Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in Poison Ivy. FML
Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML
Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML
Today, I eagerly jumped into a pile of leaves, only to discover via the stench that the neighborhood cats have obviously been using it as their makeshift litter box. FML
Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML
Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
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Top comments
team_cookies 11
I bet that's a pain in the ass
hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14
always. bring. toilet. paper.
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Comments (107)
jannatanelle 5
so do you think it was just the back or front to back ? might have more than one itchy orifice.
Enslaved 38
When hiking, I was told to always stay away from the shiny looking leaves. Those are more likely to be the poisonous ones. Something about the oils that are difficult to come off your skin. Maybe next time sacrifice a sock instead.
JoshuahColins 19
As a last resort you could always just wipe with your underwear then toss em. Better to be commando than regretful of putting poisonous leaves in your butt.
lexxiii 17
You obviously never saw the Fairly Odd Parents as a kid. Cosmo taught me that seemingly is never the way to go.
thewife5 19
I go hiking and camping a lot. There is always a roll of toilet paper in my backpack. I would never want to go through that pain op:/
BauerMegan 31
Rule of thumb: Always bring back up toilet paper or kleenex with you whenever time outdoors will be spent!
Radoh 3
Rule #1 of wilderness trekking. Don't rub something on your person if you don't know what it is.
ironichalibut 24
You should leave shutting in the woods to the bears.
AngrySailor 17
Let's drop you in the woods for a couple days and let you think about your comment.
bigwill420 11
I would used my sock
Swimgal333 0
Wow that sucks for u u should get cream for that