Today, I took a dump in the woods at a secluded lake. I used the leaves of a seemingly harmless tree to clean myself. However, I was unaware that the leaf was poisonous. It feels like a thousand hornets are attacking my ass-crack. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in Poison Ivy. FML
Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML
Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML
Today, I eagerly jumped into a pile of leaves, only to discover via the stench that the neighborhood cats have obviously been using it as their makeshift litter box. FML
Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML
Today, I tested out my new paintball gun by firing a few rounds into some thick bushes. Nothing could've prepared me for the angry swarm of hornets whose nest I'd apparently shot. I'm in so much pain. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
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Top comments
team_cookies 11
I bet that's a pain in the ass
hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14
always. bring. toilet. paper.
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Comments (107)
AnthonyWheeler15 24
I can't even imagine how much that must hurt, be strong it'll pass!
SoulAmeliorate 16
I bet you'll leaf the area now.
msworldwide 8
I'm wondering why you even were in that situation, unprepared..
ElatedEarthling 15
Sometimes I go out with my friends (wasted usually) and decide to go to random places late at night. This could happen to anybody else who does that.
lyssgross 16
#24, that's just stupid. What happens if you get lost and your phone is dead from not being charged all night?
MacMonster 10
First of all, #24, you're 19, you shouldn't be getting wasted. Second of all, you're a girl, if you were to pass out and be found by a not so friendly person you're screwed.
ElatedEarthling 15
Thank you, internet stranger, for informing me of what I need to do. I shall live by your advice forever!
ElatedEarthling 15
Also, 73, I don't believe you have the knowledge to tell me who I am. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I'm some weak defenseless girl who can be taken advantage of. I'm no idiot, I don't go out with strangers. Just to clarify, by wasted I meant high. Technically nobody is supposed to smoke weed, so my age shouldn't be a factor.
kimg0885 23
Don't feel so dumb op I live in the desert area of so cal ; poison ivy isn't something I would be able to identify. Lesson learned don't wipe with stuff you aren't sure about.
middlenamefrank 8
Leaves of three, let them be!
roachyroo 5
Leaves of four smoke some more
Zebediabolical 45
I'm kinda curious. What do you smoke that has four leaves? Please don't say pot.
DanqGirlxoxo 13
YDI for not being lady like. Sorry OP.
ManInTheMachine 20
Because needing to take a shit is abnormal behavior for a woman.
DanqGirlxoxo 13
Not the fact that she TOOK a shit , more the fact that it was in the woods without even being prepared. Should've known better. Lol everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Thank you for it :)
ManInTheMachine 20
Thank you for the clarification, as now that I actually see what you were trying to say, I agree. :) Yes, she definitely should've been prepared, as I imagine she knew full well where she would be and for how long. But for me anyway, that doesn't deem it "not lady-like"; Just being stupid and unprepared.
DanqGirlxoxo 13
Your right. I Should've been more specific.
RedPillSucks 33
You can't always be prepared for everything... Lets say, its a gorgeous moonlit night. Your boyfriend suddenly looks you deep in the eyes... BF: honey, you're as beautiful as the moonlight. Lets go for a stroll. OP: Great. Let me just get some toilet paper just in case I need to take a dump. This is unlikely to be her response, yet at some point, she may need to take a dump.
emeraldisle 30
35 - you're
Fatguineapig 13
Common.
Giuls 17
That totally stings.
booboohoney 12
One time I found myself in a situation with no tp.... I just ripped off my undies and used those though....
etishuman22 32
Ring of fire.