Love: Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed...

By Grounded - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

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Love

Taking stock

Mother of the year

Dangling modifier

By Taylor - United States - Dubuque

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

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By scammed - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

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By lanu - United States

AAARGH

Today, I woke up sweating and gasping for air after having a terrible nightmare. The nightmare involved my deceased mother-in-law bitching me out for being a bad influence on her daughter and threatening to cut my nuts off. Even in death, she won't leave me be. FML

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By Vahootie - United States

Today, my parents refused to visit me at college because "the flights are too expensive." They are currently shopping for a new car to replace my mother's two-year-old Porsche. FML

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By lizzardbreath - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By lemonlime66

Look Before You Leap

Today, while sitting in a busy store waiting area with my brother he went to the bathroom and came back with his hands cupped saying he found a mouse. He then threw it on the magazine in my lap. I jumped up screaming and flailing about while everyone stared and laughed. It was a piece of cotton. FML

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By usmcgirl - United States

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Mo I Rana

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

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By A girl - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovenia - Domzale

Grandma rocks!

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a visit to my grandma. We ended up playing Scrabble. In between passing wind that smelled like rotting eggs, she kept playing the filthiest words she could, and yelled at me whenever I checked to see if they were in the Scrabble dictionary. FML

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By deerslayer559

Today, while playing golf, I hit my ball near some tall grass along the edge of the water. Unbeknownst to me, there was an alligator hiding in the grass. He growled at me during my shot, causing me to put the ball directly into the pond. Alligator: 1 Me: 0. FML

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By alison89430 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

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By iheartmorons - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - Latvia

Today, I went to move my girlfriend's car. I failed to notice that the snow packed under the front bumper is actually ice. After a bit of struggle I managed to move the car. The bumper, however, is now a separate entity. FML

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By Cultus

Today, I went into the tanning room at work, where the lady in there last had decided the trash can was a toilet and pooped in it. Before she sat, she took the time to wrap the edges in paper towels, I guess in case anyone else had done this before her. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Limalia - Switzerland

Today, one week after my girlfriend berated me for not being invested enough in our relationship, I proposed to her. Her answer? "I meant give me an orgasm, not a ring!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a woman slipped on the ice in front of me. Instinctively, I caught her before she fell. Instead of thanking me, she whirled around and asked me if my *expletive* mother had taught me to grope women inappropriately. FML

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By Jlhfan90 - United States

Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML

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By CouldBeALoser - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

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By epictothemax - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By MySistersDogisStupid

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By no_leather_of_any_kind - United States

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

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By Infadel - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By Simon Cowell

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

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By eslteacher - Korea Republic of

Today, while teaching English in Korea, my boss gave me a birthday present from her and all of my co-workers. It was a really fancy box. It had very nice wrapping. It had a pretty bow. It was kind of heavy. It was 6 bottles of dandruff shampoo. FML

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By Shnur - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

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By Embarrassed

Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML

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By dirty deeds - 31/5/2020 14:00

Still better than the Cats movie

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

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By bitty - United States

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

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By veggiegal - United States

Today, I found a bone in my sandwich. It was a veggie burger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my printer to work because the one in my office is broken. When I tried to leave, my boss stopped me and accused me of stealing it from the office. Nobody would believe me when I explained. Now my boss has a new printer. FML

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By okthen - United States - Pittsburgh

One day with him

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years...by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Huntingtown

Smooth criminal

Today, my neighbor's son siphoned the fuel out of my lawn mower and put it in his car. What he didn't realize is that the fuel mixture I use in my lawn mower would ruin his car engine. His dad says it's my fault and actually insists I should pay his pissant son's repair bill. FML

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By awkword - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By fuuuuck - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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Top comments

By Team_Buffy | 0

#743744 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:14

Why did you cancel the date? If you would of let your date show up, your mom would of seen that you were telling the truth. It could of gotten you un-grounded.

But seriously........sometimes, I think people think of the weirdest shit just to get on this site. This doesn't happen in real life.

By BlinkOnceForYes | 0

#743768 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:22

That would be one horrible mother.

But if you have no life, no friends, and no dates.. what is there really to ground you from?

COMMENTS

By xdarknightx | 0

#743713 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:07

first

TROLLINshitUP | 0

#743853 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:50

YDI for lying to your mom, you dumb unattractive bitch.

By BaBiiSpAnKy821 | 0

#743736 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:13

u must be one ugly puppy (:

MagneticGuitar | 0

#743833 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:44

You are the one to speak...

boltaction1 | 0

#843575 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:26

Seconded

Kgirl2cute | 6

#995303 - Sunday 16 May 2010 8:39

Jeez #3, no need to be a bitch!

Hommus | 0

#1017644 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:01

thirded

chelzy | 0

#1039546 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 20:22

she's not ugly. she's socially handicapped. by her face.

Brendan3693 | 0

#1342176 - Friday 3 September 2010 7:40

81 jeez that was harsh

-shakes hand- good one!

By Team_Buffy | 0

#743744 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:14

damnwtfdude | 0

#743832 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:44

That depends on whether he was going to pick her up or the other way around. I don't think it would be too nice to leave your date waiting for you to arrive.

the_stereotype | 0

#746030 - Thursday 31 December 2009 1:37

yeah, but i mean, he still could have told his date the situation and told her to come there regardless

By BlinkOnceForYes | 0

#743768 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:22

That would be one horrible mother.

But if you have no life, no friends, and no dates.. what is there really to ground you from?

dukain94 | 0

#744380 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 4:31

World of Warcraft of course.

PikaKitty | 0

#2039252 - Thursday 3 February 2011 1:28

xD!!

By QWERTYCommander | 5

#743816 - Tuesday 29 December 2009 23:38

Wow. I hope your mom apologizes. But like #4 said, you didn't need to cancel the date.

By HBubble | 2

#743870 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 0:00

ydi for letting yourself get grounded. Your Mom will never respect you if you won't stand your ground.

shadowkiss13 | 0

#744274 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 3:08

um ya if i ever tried to "stand my ground" against my mom i dont know about you but i would never see the light of day

Kgirl2cute | 6

#995304 - Sunday 16 May 2010 8:41

Same. I'd be absolutely screwed if I tried to "stand up" to my mum.

By YeahFMLxX | 0

#743873 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 0:00

[email protected] for laying it all clear for us, if your young enough to get grounded by your mom for stupid shit, the FYL for having no social life :D

By thinmint | 0

#743904 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 0:20

By sparkIy | 0

#743927 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 0:27

go anyway. sneak out of your window or whatever. it'll prove to your mom that you can get a date anyway & you won't lose the girl.
anyway, your mom is a bitch. i'll happily go on a date with you, OP

polico_wolf | 0

#743975 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 0:47

so would the girl who did agree to go an a date with him...

By suckit133 | 0

#743942 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 0:33

sparkly, your hot

myfriend_youfail | 3

#744266 - Wednesday 30 December 2009 3:01

Her hot what?
You're illiterate.

johnnyboy1928 | 0

#2084617 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 5:58

perv