Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed...

By Grounded - 29/12/2010 18:50 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

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Love

Instadrama

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Non-baby fever

By jcesom - 1/8/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By shaunaaa - 17/2/2011 10:39 - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

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By Swedishsummer - 8/5/2016 21:54 - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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By Ants everywhere but my pants - 19/5/2016 02:35 - United States - Sun City Center

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 00:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

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By LonelySanta - 24/12/2009 08:18 - Australia

Today, I went home, where I live alone, from my dorm room at my university. The only Christmas cards I had received were addressed to the person that lived there before me. FML

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By ccgundum - 1/2/2014 07:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

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By Embarassedd - 26/11/2009 05:01 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were at a wedding. When the DJ announced that the bar was open, my hubby was the only one to RUN to the bar while the other husbands stayed behind to dance with their wives, eyeing us in a weird way. FML

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By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Thief

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By peepeepants - 18/8/2009 12:35 - Canada

Today, I went to get a pedicure for the first time. My feet are VERY ticklish. I reflexively kicked the poor lady in the face, as I wet my pants. FML

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By nobieb - 20/8/2013 16:28 - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 14:20 - United States - Rhodes

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2014 21:02 - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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By drpepperking10 - 2/7/2016 23:27 - United States

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

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By whyme - 8/12/2010 06:26

Today, feeling so depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, I texted a girl I had a crush on. Her response? "Can you please delete my number, you're getting annoying." FML

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By SadFoxLady - 10/6/2013 18:01 - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

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By ant_hater - 28/8/2011 18:18 - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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By Ughhhhh - 3/10/2016 16:18 - United States - Stockton

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

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By gbhlaughingstock - 18/8/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2013 01:55 - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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By medstudent - 4/2/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By desperate - 26/9/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

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By lisa - 29/11/2015 16:04 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

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By Hellish - 21/10/2016 04:11 - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

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By Tootie - 30/7/2011 06:58 - United States

Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML

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By IHateProtesters - 25/11/2014 16:13 - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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By Immafail - 20/12/2016 18:32

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By Single and wigless - 14/4/2019 04:00

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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By Noname - 18/3/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class during a boring economics lecture. I heard a whisper say "Rise and shine sleeping beauty." I thought it was my boyfriend, so i responded "Baby, what time is it? When is this F*ing class going to be over!?" it wasnt my boyfriend talking, it was my teacher. FML

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By BloodyMarry - 4/6/2013 17:53 - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2012 05:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was sitting on a rather small, uncomfortable bean bag while my friend was sitting on a nice chair. She asked if I wanted to switch seats, not so I could be more comfortable, but because she thought I was too fat and that I would burst the bean bag. FML

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By James - 22/7/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2018 22:00

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By BetterThanFake - 13/1/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I made a fake MySpace so that I could flirt with my boyfriend and see what he would do. He ended up dumping me for the fake MySpace girl. FML

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By bigryngf - 4/8/2009 22:12 - United States

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

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By jajaja - 1/3/2009 19:45 - Canada

Today, I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we dont have to worry about boys for the next two years." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was staying at my friend's house, which is next door. Our houses are the same layout, only mirrored, so tonight when I got out of bed in the dark I instinctively turned to my left, thinking I was entering the bathroom, and fell down the stairs. Three of my teeth are missing. FML

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Top comments

By Team_Buffy | 0

#743744 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:14

Why did you cancel the date? If you would of let your date show up, your mom would of seen that you were telling the truth. It could of gotten you un-grounded.

But seriously........sometimes, I think people think of the weirdest shit just to get on this site. This doesn't happen in real life.

By BlinkOnceForYes | 0

#743768 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:22

That would be one horrible mother.

But if you have no life, no friends, and no dates.. what is there really to ground you from?

COMMENTS

By xdarknightx | 0

#743713 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:07

first

TROLLINshitUP | 0

#743853 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:50

YDI for lying to your mom, you dumb unattractive bitch.

By BaBiiSpAnKy821 | 0

#743736 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:13

u must be one ugly puppy (:

MagneticGuitar | 0

#743833 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:44

You are the one to speak...

boltaction1 | 0

#843575 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:26

Seconded

Kgirl2cute | 6

#995303 - Sunday 16 May 2010 8:39

Jeez #3, no need to be a bitch!

Hommus | 0

#1017644 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:01

thirded

chelzy | 0

#1039546 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 20:22

she's not ugly. she's socially handicapped. by her face.

Brendan3693 | 0

#1342176 - Friday 3 September 2010 7:40

81 jeez that was harsh

-shakes hand- good one!

By Team_Buffy | 0

#743744 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:14

damnwtfdude | 0

#743832 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:44

That depends on whether he was going to pick her up or the other way around. I don't think it would be too nice to leave your date waiting for you to arrive.

the_stereotype | 0

#746030 - Thursday 31 December 2010 1:37

yeah, but i mean, he still could have told his date the situation and told her to come there regardless

By BlinkOnceForYes | 0

#743768 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:22

That would be one horrible mother.

But if you have no life, no friends, and no dates.. what is there really to ground you from?

dukain94 | 0

#744380 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 4:31

World of Warcraft of course.

PikaKitty | 0

#2039252 - Thursday 3 February 2011 1:28

xD!!

By QWERTYCommander | 5

#743816 - Tuesday 29 December 2010 23:38

Wow. I hope your mom apologizes. But like #4 said, you didn't need to cancel the date.

By HBubble | 2

#743870 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 0:00

ydi for letting yourself get grounded. Your Mom will never respect you if you won't stand your ground.

shadowkiss13 | 0

#744274 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 3:08

um ya if i ever tried to "stand my ground" against my mom i dont know about you but i would never see the light of day

Kgirl2cute | 6

#995304 - Sunday 16 May 2010 8:41

Same. I'd be absolutely screwed if I tried to "stand up" to my mum.

By YeahFMLxX | 0

#743873 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 0:00

[email protected] for laying it all clear for us, if your young enough to get grounded by your mom for stupid shit, the FYL for having no social life :D

By thinmint | 0

#743904 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 0:20

By sparkIy | 0

#743927 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 0:27

go anyway. sneak out of your window or whatever. it'll prove to your mom that you can get a date anyway & you won't lose the girl.
anyway, your mom is a bitch. i'll happily go on a date with you, OP

polico_wolf | 0

#743975 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 0:47

so would the girl who did agree to go an a date with him...

By suckit133 | 0

#743942 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 0:33

sparkly, your hot

myfriend_youfail | 3

#744266 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 3:01

Her hot what?
You're illiterate.

johnnyboy1928 | 0

#2084617 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 5:58

perv