Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about...

By mydadforgetsme - 4/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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Miscellaneous

All in the family

White line fever

The opposite of a good idea

By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

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By Is McDonald's Hiring? - 23/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was sternly told that if I didn't pass more students, I would be out of a job. I then went to my class to collect papers, and was stymied by how I could be giving passing grades to the 12 of 24 who didn't turn anything in. College students. FML

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By nolongerengaged - 3/2/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 10:48 - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By Exhausted - 28/11/2011 06:07 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I was called an 'inconsiderate scum bucket' by my neighbour because I allowed my loud alarm to go on too long before silencing it. The only reason that I sleep through my alarm is because I have to wear earplugs as they have their TV on maximum volume until 4am. FML

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By microtech - 13/12/2011 17:33 - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 00:32 - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

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By Haley. - 26/3/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2015 07:46

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Not for cheating or for flirting, but because I wear tighty whities. FML

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By emopoe - 6/9/2011 15:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend let me know that when we met, he wouldn't have even talked to me if I was as fat as I am now. But lucky for me, he stays with me because, "there's love or something." FML

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By car - 21/8/2010 05:25 - Australia

Today, after a costly fix for my brakes that failed a while back as I was going down a hill, I found a $130 bill in the mail attached to a speed camera photo of me shitting myself. FML

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By jane smith - 1/7/2010 12:11 - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2017 13:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I egged my cheating ex’s car. Actually, I should clarify; I egged my cheating ex’s sister’s car, thinking it was his. She gave me a black eye and knocked out two of my teeth while my ex laughed his ass off. FML

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By WasntMe - 17/7/2013 23:15 - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

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By Saucy - 26/6/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

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By jellybean - 6/11/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, there was something itching me in my bed, it was the tag to my pillow case. I ripped it off, very hard and slipped and punched myself right in the face. I broke my nose. FML

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By Cherub - 3/5/2009 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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By dogsickftl - 31/10/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my hammer outside after putting up my 'for sale' sign in front of my house. I realised and went outside to get it. The hammer had been used to smash my car window and steal stuff inside. FML

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By Smittynumerouno - 28/10/2016 03:13 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

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By anonymous - 20/12/2010 11:23

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

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By Idktbh - 18/11/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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By I wasn't being clingy geez - 23/10/2016 17:18 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "too clingy". I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks and texted her first once. Guess that's still too much for her. FML

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By ronniewciv - 30/12/2011 07:48

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Woodland

Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML

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By Sidney - 5/11/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

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By frustrated - 1/6/2009 07:06 - Hong Kong

Today, I met my boyfriend in Hong Kong after being apart for almost 6 months. We got to our room and got right down to business. I was just about to come when a voice came over the PA system in the room. "This is just a fire alarm test, sorry for any inconvenience." FML

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By terrible kenny - 30/1/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By Anonymoose - 19/8/2016 20:06

Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

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By soontobesingle - 19/3/2013 11:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my gorgeous, smart, perfect new boyfriend has an unusual fetish. It doesn't involve me at all actually. Just a Labrador. This is probably a deal breaker. FML

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By danman - 14/4/2013 22:20 - United States

Today, I was taking a walk, when an elderly lady in a motorized wheelchair slammed into me from behind. There was plenty of room to pass by, but noooo, trying to run me down like a dog, then giving me the finger and yelling "Watch where you're walking!" is so damn preferable. FML

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By "Mel Hahn" - 17/9/2017 16:00

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 04:58 - United States

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

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By lolwut - 15/1/2012 18:17 - United States

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

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By liynda - 6/5/2011 01:49 - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

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By her mom raised her - 17/5/2014 17:30 - Mexico

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 02:56 - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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By TheComedyAudio - 6/4/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

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By mannnnn2717 - 20/12/2009 22:41 - Australia

Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML

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By buttcrack - 18/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6453773 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:35

Get out your birth certificate and a list of whatever you want. He's going to have to make up for that one somehow op.

By arano | 29

#6453754 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Just remember to forget his birthday. When he says something, tell him he's obviously too old for birthdays.

Comments

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6453751 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Did he also try to make you apologise for being born?!

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#6453753 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Why would you even need to lie about your birthday??

Mauskau | 35

#6453789 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:50

Umm, free stuff, being noticed for a change (likely in OP's situation), free stuff.

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6453983 - Thursday 5 November 2015 8:07

Sounds like it's time to move out.

Annelmeye | 13

#6454120 - Thursday 5 November 2015 12:20

OP probably can't do that.

Um_bye | 21

#6454737 - Friday 6 November 2015 2:53

I don't get things on my birthday ?

By arano | 29

#6453754 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Just remember to forget his birthday. When he says something, tell him he's obviously too old for birthdays.

tayfray7 | 10

#6453903 - Thursday 5 November 2015 4:59

One must be very talented to remember to forget something. O_O

Shadowpartner | 11

#6454618 - Friday 6 November 2015 0:11

As talented as Shakira, I'd say

By MasterTron | 24

#6453756 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Sounds like someone's going senile

By brenton490 | 19

#6453762 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

So no free cake?

By anniemeece | 23

#6453766 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:31

Happy birthday!

By brendejafulable | 40

#6453771 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:34

maybe a prank.

By unanimousangel | 9

#6453772 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:35

Well we see who's the favorite haha

By cutycat136 | 28

#6453773 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:35

Get out your birth certificate and a list of whatever you want. He's going to have to make up for that one somehow op.

By bbackensto | 17

#6453774 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:36

Father of the year award goes to.....

Not your dad.
Sorry OP, happy birthday!