Miscellaneous: Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about...

By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Smooth criminal

Money management

By lonely

Today, my boyfriend blocked me from every form of contact. He told my friend that we broke up, but never told me. I still have his clothes in my house. FML

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3077

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By ewicsmelly - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

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By bm - United States

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

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38063

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By SweetDreamsTibi

Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML

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2150

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML

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14440

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By tftm - United States - Elmhurst

Today, my uncle keeps spamming me on Facebook with friend suggestions. Most of them are people he met on porn sites. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last.

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By Garrett - United States

Today, I was on my computer when the girl that I really like instant-messages me. I went to type back, accidentally pressed control-V, and posted an entire article on how to remove genital warts. FML

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15984

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after getting an expensive haircut, I showed it to my boyfriend. Instead of saying, "Wow, those bangs look great on you" he said, "Wow, you look really good when you don't show your forehead." FML

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27503

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By bugger

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

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By ksa - Poland - Katowice

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

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By singleasapringle - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went back to my high school for an event with some of my friends, both of which are in relationships. Whilst there we saw our favorite teacher, who hugged us and said, "I heard you have a boyfriend! And so do you!" And then she turned to me and said, "And... And you're doing great things!" FML

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19866

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By dentinpalevo - Cyprus

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

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27863

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By hrtbrkn - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because "god told him to." What god didn't tell him was that I would check his e-mail and find all the e-mails to and from his new girlfriend. FML

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51178

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By NocturnalFox - Czech Republic - Plzen

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

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25806

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By Maria - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

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36715

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7641

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By taz

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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1323

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By brodinn - United States - Florence

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

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43240

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By harrypottermuch - Canada

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

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17305

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By Immaculatedream - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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64071

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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24708

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By Anonymous

Beautiful

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

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1328

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 17:01

Can't compete

Today, my husband told me, "Your job is easy! You do nothing but play and have fun with children all day." Mind you, I'm a toddler teacher and have 10 children in a day. When I come home from work, he complains he’s tired because he was watching our only child who's a toddler. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

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7178

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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1477

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By Funyearahead - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

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15557

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By Whyme - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By poop_mcqueen - United States

Today, I bought a cool new pair of sunglasses. I wore them today, and all day I kept getting comments about how much I looked like Ozzy Osbourne and John Lennon. I'm a girl. FML

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34354

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By moosemay - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML

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37540

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By cagel - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

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34668

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37572

You deserved it

5142

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By smellsofeggs - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

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28981

You deserved it

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By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31413

You deserved it

4607

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By Anonymous - United States - Winona

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16679

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By has an old monitor - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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33824

You deserved it

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By littlefella - United States - Novato

Today, I was taking a piss when a old lady somehow managed to wander in. She blushed, chuckled and apologized, "Sorry, little fella!" before leaving. I don't know what size she was commenting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7096

You deserved it

814

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By Baby eater - United States - Clarksville

Today, I told my 4-year-old neighbor that I'm pregnant. His response was to attack me with a stick "for swallowing a baby." Three people had to pull him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51375

You deserved it

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By Sonic - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6453773 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:35

Get out your birth certificate and a list of whatever you want. He's going to have to make up for that one somehow op.

By arano | 29

#6453754 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Just remember to forget his birthday. When he says something, tell him he's obviously too old for birthdays.

COMMENTS

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6453751 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Did he also try to make you apologise for being born?!

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#6453753 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Why would you even need to lie about your birthday??

Mauskau | 35

#6453789 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:50

Umm, free stuff, being noticed for a change (likely in OP's situation), free stuff.

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6453983 - Thursday 5 November 2015 8:07

Sounds like it's time to move out.

Annelmeye | 13

#6454120 - Thursday 5 November 2015 12:20

OP probably can't do that.

Um_bye | 21

#6454737 - Friday 6 November 2015 2:53

I don't get things on my birthday ?

By arano | 29

#6453754 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:29

Just remember to forget his birthday. When he says something, tell him he's obviously too old for birthdays.

tayfray7 | 10

#6453903 - Thursday 5 November 2015 4:59

One must be very talented to remember to forget something. O_O

Shadowpartner | 11

#6454618 - Friday 6 November 2015 0:11

As talented as Shakira, I'd say

By MasterTron | 24

#6453756 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

Sounds like someone's going senile

By brenton490 | 19

#6453762 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:30

So no free cake?

By anniemeece | 23

#6453766 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:31

Happy birthday!

By brendejafulable | 41

#6453771 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:34

maybe a prank.

By unanimousangel | 9

#6453772 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:35

Well we see who's the favorite haha

By cutycat136 | 28

#6453773 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:35

Get out your birth certificate and a list of whatever you want. He's going to have to make up for that one somehow op.

By bbackensto | 17

#6453774 - Thursday 5 November 2015 1:36

Father of the year award goes to.....

Not your dad.
Sorry OP, happy birthday!