Miscellaneous: Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Dementia or hate? You decide

Give me my drugs!

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

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By assumed

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

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By holyshitbatman - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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By madelynn - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I found out that I've been using a "Trick Scale" that my family bought to boost my self esteem so I'd think I was losing weight. I found this out at my physical, where I learned I have actually gained ten pounds. FML

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By IngenuityAbsent - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, I met my boyfriend's adoptive family. There was his mom and several brothers, one of whom tried to hit on me. They tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me, and his mom told me I'll probably get knocked up by the brother who hit on me. FML

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By TordNorski - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I finally had a day off in two weeks and I was excited about getting to sleep in. At 5am, my mom came in and knocked loudly. When I asked her what she wanted, she said she was checking to see if I was asleep. FML

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By CA - Norway

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

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By

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

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By ProudASDmom - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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By emma209 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

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By mischalucksux - United States

Today, I finally have a job I love with amazing people I call family and a fantastic boss. I've been here 8 months, and I'm doing a great job, I feel like I could work here forever! My most recent project? Printing our "Store closing sale" signs for liquidation. We permanently close in 7 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

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By Colton - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By embarrassed2 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tickled me. In between laughs, I warned him that I was going to pee myself. He didn't believe me. After I actually did, he suggested we use a "safety word" from now on so that he will know when I'm being serious. FML

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By awkwardpineapples - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML

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By Arthur - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Monica

She used me

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

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By save the koalas? uhh - Australia - Brisbane

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

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By I-Love-My-Wife - 14/1/2021 10:56

My booze

Today, it's my wife's birthday. She also sleepwalks, sleep eats and sleep drinks. This morning, her subconscious remembered it was her birthday and wanted to celebrate in style. I found my $200 bottle of Johnny Walker Blue was missing 3". She doesn't remember drinking it. I'm so glad she enjoyed it. FML

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By whiskynexttimeplease - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, my husband kindly offered to take me on a brewery tour. Turned out the brewery is owned by his ex-girlfriend and there was no tour after all. Just me standing awkwardly for 25 minutes while he chatted to her about her family and stuff they used to do together. FML

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By pharmn00b - United States

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

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By kerripjones - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

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By bruised - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

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By RestlessDiesel - United States - Hudson

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

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By Fatty - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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By SKG95

Today, I had a flight to Philadelphia, but it got canceled due to bad weather. I booked another, which got delayed. After waiting for almost 12 hours at the airport, I boarded, just to have a super annoying toddler kicking my seat from behind. FML

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By hawaiianlovechild - United States

Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. FML

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By SailorVenus93 - 26/2/2021 02:01 - United States - Fredericksburg

No pain, no gain

Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without feeling pain afterwards. FML

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By levi Glasscock - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

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By why?

Unreasonable demands

Today, my close friend who’s always been incredibly vocal about how much she hates children, never wants to be around them or have anything to do with them, stopped speaking to me. She’s incredibly "hurt" that I asked another friend to be my unborn child's godmother instead of her. FML

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Top comments

By Amateur_Dank | 17

#6375851 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:36

I would take the bitching just to watch someone farting their way into consciousness... these are the moments we live for

By tygerarmy | 35

#6375848 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:35

Tell your dad to quit farting around.

COMMENTS

By MisterKnowItAll | 15

#6375846 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:34

He just doesn't want to think he's getting old.

Reply

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6375901 - Sunday 9 August 2015 8:24

hmm, how's that relevant to his age, again? It can happen to anyone regardless of age or gender.

Reply

igive | 29

#6375956 - Sunday 9 August 2015 10:31

It even happens to my dog.

By Cads1 | 24

#6375847 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:35

Why were you there to even see what happened? Unless you were screwing around that is.

Reply

cupcakebruh | 21

#6375864 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:45

He could have been in the living room taking his nap on the couch. I don't think my dad has ever taken a nap in his own bed..

By tygerarmy | 35

#6375848 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:35

Tell your dad to quit farting around.

By rnarshmallow | 21

#6375849 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:35

I'd record it next time.

Reply

Pacers13 | 11

#6376324 - Sunday 9 August 2015 21:30

Well she probably wasn't expecting him to do that.

By Amateur_Dank | 17

#6375851 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:36

I would take the bitching just to watch someone farting their way into consciousness... these are the moments we live for

By 20bricks | 28

#6375853 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:37

Fart on him to prove dominance.

By enginsteve | 17

#6375854 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:38

My dog does the same thing! lol

By Greattitan2 | 13

#6375855 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:39

I guess farts can be silent and deadly

Reply

katydid91 | 31

#6375959 - Sunday 9 August 2015 10:57

This particular fart was clearly not silent but was quite deadly.

By ChristinePi | 36

#6375869 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:51

The bitching was his way of acknowledging that it was true and him being embarrassed about it. Sorry OP, your dad is just ashamed of himself that that happened.

By beeferjay | 34

#6375870 - Sunday 9 August 2015 7:53

hes been eating way to many twinkies... twinkies on the brain

Reply

katydid91 | 31

#6375960 - Sunday 9 August 2015 10:59

Was this a reference to something? And are you certain that it isn't you that has Twinkies on the brain?