Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would...

By ihateseagulls - 7/4/2011 23:28 - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Emergency haircut

Don't shoot the messenger

By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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By freakfreak12345 - 19/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 10:49 - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By divorced - 7/3/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband's house and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave and she clung to his girlfriend and said 'Mommy, I don't want to leave.' She wasn't talking to me. FML

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By missinformed - 18/5/2017 12:00

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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By samaris - 8/7/2016 21:19

Today, 5 months after doing a shoot for a stock photo site, someone finally used one of my photos. In an article about meth abuse. FML

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By andy - 28/1/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

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By cockfist - 4/3/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

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By bubbles - 12/10/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a bubble bath, and had my iPod touch on the side of my bathtub so I could listen to my music. My dog walked up to the side of the tub, looked me in the eye, and nudged my iPod into the water. FML

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By YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THE CUSTOMER - 20/7/2013 17:47 - United States - Sherwood

Today, at work, a woman came up to the snack bar and ordered a pretzel with no salt. When I served her the food, she angrily complained about it having no salt, followed by her throwing the whole thing in my face. FML

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By StillTooYoung - 20/1/2013 13:13 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By fail - 18/8/2013 04:41 - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By anonynomi - 19/11/2015 17:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By Laserbeaver - 29/9/2013 13:00 - United States - Milton

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

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By John - 19/5/2011 04:27

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

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By Lonely - 18/3/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 17:44 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

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By Noname - 15/3/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

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By why lie - 4/6/2020 20:00

Age ain't nothing but a number

Today, my boyfriend renewed his driver's license and showed me the picture. I told him he needed to go back because they'd put the wrong birthdate. Turns out the idiot forgot he’s been lying to me about his age the whole time we’ve been together. He’s not actually 30. He’ll be 43 in two months. FML

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By Kmcc - 22/4/2019 12:00

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 22:27 - United States

Today, I was supposed to hear back from a major scholarship competition. After months of waiting, during which my parents were convinced I had won, I discovered that my entry had never been received. Apparently the woman I had confirmed with had had a long day, and lied so that she could go home. FML

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By new name - 6/11/2012 22:03 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

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By Jess - 5/12/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, as I was running from the cops I jumped behind a bush to hide. Turns out it was a massive thorn bush. I later had the most painful shower I have ever experienced. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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By oh dear - 25/10/2009 09:06 - France

Today, my daughter threw a can of hairspray into the fireplace because she saw someone do it on YouTube. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

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By southernluxe - 4/9/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 06:15

Today, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me. Why? I was late for our date. We arrived at the restaurant together. FML

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By argh - 24/2/2010 06:29 - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

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By jazzybell - 21/11/2011 00:29 - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

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By Debbie - 23/2/2009 14:16 - United States

Today, I drove to a job interview. I had to sneeze, but because I was driving on the highway, I didn't let go of the wheel to cover my mouth. I didn't know the sneeze was a "productive" one until I was sitting in the interview, looked down at my new blouse and saw the giant lugie sitting there. FML

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By turning red - 27/7/2013 01:14 - United States

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2011 14:29 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

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By Anyom - 27/7/2016 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine 3 weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealer ship to pick me up. She backed in to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By blech - 8/12/2014 23:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2014 11:40 - Australia - Applecross

Today, my daughter asked me how long she had to put her 2-minute noodles in the microwave for. FML

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By afather - 14/6/2015 13:41 - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By phones - 16/1/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

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Top comments

By Natasha14641 | 7

#2313519 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:48

Haha, a "flock of seagulls".

By docscientist | 9

#2313868 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:19

It was moderated because the 'women belonging in the kitchen' joke is overused and lowers a person's faith in humanity after reading, thus worsening the economy as the stock market crashes or something.

Comments

By Natasha14641 | 7

#2313519 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:48

Haha, a "flock of seagulls".

Frelling | 0

#2313560 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:05

Did OP get their autographs?

broccoli2 | 0

#2313615 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:12

"mine."

trick619 | 0

#2313659 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:24

who cares? it happens to almost everyone who goes to the beach.

Ray_of_midnight | 22

#2313666 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:26

I thought OP was going to conclude the the story with, "I ran." But then again, I was just Wishing.

Natasha14641 | 7

#2313681 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:31

Hahaha, you guys.

Leebra | 6

#2313738 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:00

36 - That made me giggle.

Randuhh_17 | 4

#2313891 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:30

lol...that reminds me of that old movie..."the birds"..when birds attack!

mazzera_fml | 7

#2314098 - Friday 8 April 2011 12:36

i ran, i ran all night and day. i couldn't get away.

insanesna1l | 0

#2314241 - Friday 8 April 2011 13:18

be afraid of the hair!!

smileeee_fml | 0

#2314362 - Friday 8 April 2011 13:58

LOL haard it happens to everyone who goes beach ...

TheScreamoGirl | 0

#2315341 - Friday 8 April 2011 18:30

hahaha my thoughts exactly

iSwizzle | 4

#2315478 - Friday 8 April 2011 19:43

67 that movie rocks!

vanilla2u | 5

#2315989 - Friday 8 April 2011 22:04

aww poor sandwhich

OMG_N3RD | 0

#2316744 - Saturday 9 April 2011 1:11

KatieRawrr | 0

#2316959 - Saturday 9 April 2011 2:12

this happened to me once :( I was so hungry too sigh... bird bullies

RoxxyHustle | 7

#2317051 - Saturday 9 April 2011 2:46

damn you beat me to it!

qwaszxwesdxc | 0

#4327563 - Thursday 19 April 2012 20:20

You ranso far away (I ran)

By asselhoff | 5

#2313532 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:52

haha that's funny even though it sucks

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2314478 - Friday 8 April 2011 14:42

mine....mine....mine....mine....

By Elphieba | 4

#2313537 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:54

What of they attacked your sister?
Good thing attacked you, less damage because your bigger.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2313718 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:51

what if the little sister is bigger than the big sister?

gutzz | 0

#2313825 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:55

Great Scott!!!! I think you just made a conundrum.

Grimmerie | 31

#2314030 - Friday 8 April 2011 12:21

Janet!
Dr. Scott!
Janet!
Brad!
Rocky!
-silence-

HouseHunter | 2

#2314331 - Friday 8 April 2011 13:45

no conundrum there. I'm taller than my big brother

By clojo1112 | 0

#2313539 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:54

was it a tuna sandwich?

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2313799 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:42

2 slices of bread containing Tuna between the 2.

SuckerPunchurMom | 0

#2313821 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:50

Thank you captain obvious.
I thought it was tuna bread tuna
-.-

docscientist | 9

#2313861 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:14

You sure it isn't tuna around the edges of the bread?

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2313922 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:45

Oh. I read 'Wat is.' not was it. Sorry!!

NineFishMffns_fml | 0

#2313964 - Friday 8 April 2011 12:05

lol!! all the comments above made me laugh!! :D! hate birds :p

By HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313542 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:57

Well, get back into the kitchen and make another sandwich woman.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313629 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:15

Awww, I got moderated. D: guess sexist jokes are out just like Chuck Norris jokes.

unidentified_sta | 5

#2313663 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:25

I didn't get to read it but it was probably extremely terrible. Moderated for the sake of avoiding damage to our Humerus(es?).

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313812 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:47

well it contained words like "kitchen, woman and sandwich lol"

docscientist | 9

#2313868 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:19

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313884 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:24

Now I can't use those jokes as well as the 'yo mama' and 'chuck norris' ones.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2313896 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:34

That's probably for the better.

Those jokes aren't funny to anyone but the mentally inept... which is probably why a high amount of FML commenters think they are...