Animals: Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would...

By ihateseagulls - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

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Animals

Walk on the wild side

Season finale

Wait, what?

By Fhhmylifeman - 11/4/2021 11:00

Geography

Today, I invited my Peruvian girlfriend to my parent’s house for dinner. They decorated the house with Mexican flag and Fiesta lanyards, and bought Taco Bell. My girlfriend is vegetarian and had to explain to them that no, Peru is not a city in Mexico. It’s been 3 hours and she won’t pick up her calls. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By Noj12345 - United States

Today, after finishing work, my friend was having a party next door and my driveway was blocked. I parked 6 houses down and went to the party for 20mins. After coming out after 3 beers, I went to move my car back to my house and go to sleep. I got a DUI for driving 30 feet. FML

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By sistermonster - France - Salon-de-provence

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By workwork

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

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By monkers - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hollywood

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

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By Tib - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By Makala - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

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By busybee - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I found out that when my room-mate agreed to babysit someone's two year old kid for money, what he really planned on doing was dumping it with me. The kid won't stop crying and screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 11:00 - United States - Arlington

Are you sure?

Today, I sent a picture of my two little nephews to my friends, who now keep telling me how my older nephew looks exactly like me. They’re starting to make awkward statements such as, “Are you sure you didn’t have sex with your sister in-law?” FML

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By Anonymous

Afterthought

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he never thought we had a future together. He just wanted to move in together so he could get "cheaper rent for a while." FML

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By max - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

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By idiot bro - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

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By this guy - United States - Alhambra

Today, I got rejected by a girl I wasn't even trying to ask out. FML

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By sadcapri96 - United States

Today, the old lady I've been taking care of and running errands for died. She hadn't paid me yet. FML

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By bcca - United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

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By shouldveknown - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

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By JL.

Today I was trying to show off to my mother about how much detail I placed into my group project that I had to do tomorrow. I then proceeded to delete the project thinking that I was just removing it from my phone.... Everyone's research and my 3 day's of hard work went with it. FML.

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By ccgundum - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

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By Sad_Happy_Gorl

Today, my boyfriend finally answered my Snapchats. He was laying on a bed with purple pillows and sheets. His are gray. FML

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By PlayboyBunny - United States

Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML

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By Tickdick - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got out of the shower and noticed a tiny leaf on my penis. With legs. Squirming. I have a new nickname. FML

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By Monkey - United States

Today, I woke up to my English bulldog standing over me, getting ready to pee. I didn't move in time. FML

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By NoUsernamHere - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

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By tim12345 - United States

Today, my friends and I rented a party bus, which broke down on the highway 45 minutes into the ride. I paid the guy for the whole four hours. He said he was going to flag down a car to get someone to help us. We saw him get into a car and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I could call him "love muffin". He asked if he could call me "muffin top". FML

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By ronniewciv

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

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By madi - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

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By he's still not convinced - United States

Today, while visiting my mother, she asked my son who his favorite parent was. As a growing boy, he chose his father. I don't mind, except she then asked, "So, whose side are you taking in the divorce?" My husband and I have no marital issues. My son refuses to believe us. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

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1173

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By leahbeuhh - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that I had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML

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By MIB - United States

Today, I awoke to banging at my door. It was my neighbor, accusing me of stealing her mail to spy on her, because apparently she thinks I must be some sort of secret agent. The cops don't believe me when I call, and she won't go away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after being yelled at by our boss because the office computer server has yet another virus, my co-worker and I did a bit of investigating. Apparently, the viruses aren't coming from client emails as we previously assumed. It seems that the problem is really our boss's porn addiction. FML

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Top comments

By Natasha14641 | 7

#2313519 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:48

Haha, a "flock of seagulls".

By docscientist | 9

#2313868 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:19

It was moderated because the 'women belonging in the kitchen' joke is overused and lowers a person's faith in humanity after reading, thus worsening the economy as the stock market crashes or something.

COMMENTS

By Natasha14641 | 7

#2313519 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:48

Haha, a "flock of seagulls".

Frelling | 0

#2313560 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:05

Did OP get their autographs?

broccoli2 | 0

#2313615 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:12

"mine."

trick619 | 0

#2313659 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:24

who cares? it happens to almost everyone who goes to the beach.

Ray_of_midnight | 22

#2313666 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:26

I thought OP was going to conclude the the story with, "I ran." But then again, I was just Wishing.

Natasha14641 | 7

#2313681 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:31

Hahaha, you guys.

Leebra | 6

#2313738 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:00

36 - That made me giggle.

Randuhh_17 | 4

#2313891 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:30

lol...that reminds me of that old movie..."the birds"..when birds attack!

mazzera_fml | 7

#2314098 - Friday 8 April 2011 12:36

i ran, i ran all night and day. i couldn't get away.

insanesna1l | 0

#2314241 - Friday 8 April 2011 13:18

be afraid of the hair!!

smileeee_fml | 0

#2314362 - Friday 8 April 2011 13:58

LOL haard it happens to everyone who goes beach ...

TheScreamoGirl | 0

#2315341 - Friday 8 April 2011 18:30

hahaha my thoughts exactly

iSwizzle | 4

#2315478 - Friday 8 April 2011 19:43

67 that movie rocks!

vanilla2u | 5

#2315989 - Friday 8 April 2011 22:04

aww poor sandwhich

OMG_N3RD | 0

#2316744 - Saturday 9 April 2011 1:11

KatieRawrr | 0

#2316959 - Saturday 9 April 2011 2:12

this happened to me once :( I was so hungry too sigh... bird bullies

RoxxyHustle | 7

#2317051 - Saturday 9 April 2011 2:46

damn you beat me to it!

qwaszxwesdxc | 0

#4327563 - Thursday 19 April 2012 20:20

You ranso far away (I ran)

By asselhoff | 5

#2313532 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:52

haha that's funny even though it sucks

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2314478 - Friday 8 April 2011 14:42

mine....mine....mine....mine....

By Elphieba | 4

#2313537 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:54

What of they attacked your sister?
Good thing attacked you, less damage because your bigger.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2313718 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:51

what if the little sister is bigger than the big sister?

gutzz | 0

#2313825 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:55

Great Scott!!!! I think you just made a conundrum.

Grimmerie | 31

#2314030 - Friday 8 April 2011 12:21

Janet!
Dr. Scott!
Janet!
Brad!
Rocky!
-silence-

HouseHunter | 2

#2314331 - Friday 8 April 2011 13:45

no conundrum there. I'm taller than my big brother

By clojo1112 | 0

#2313539 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:54

was it a tuna sandwich?

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2313799 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:42

2 slices of bread containing Tuna between the 2.

SuckerPunchurMom | 0

#2313821 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:50

Thank you captain obvious.
I thought it was tuna bread tuna
-.-

docscientist | 9

#2313861 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:14

You sure it isn't tuna around the edges of the bread?

Miss_Michaela | 10

#2313922 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:45

Oh. I read 'Wat is.' not was it. Sorry!!

NineFishMffns_fml | 0

#2313964 - Friday 8 April 2011 12:05

lol!! all the comments above made me laugh!! :D! hate birds :p

By HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313542 - Friday 8 April 2011 8:57

Well, get back into the kitchen and make another sandwich woman.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313629 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:15

Awww, I got moderated. D: guess sexist jokes are out just like Chuck Norris jokes.

unidentified_sta | 5

#2313663 - Friday 8 April 2011 9:25

I didn't get to read it but it was probably extremely terrible. Moderated for the sake of avoiding damage to our Humerus(es?).

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313812 - Friday 8 April 2011 10:47

well it contained words like "kitchen, woman and sandwich lol"

docscientist | 9

#2313868 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:19

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2313884 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:24

Now I can't use those jokes as well as the 'yo mama' and 'chuck norris' ones.

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2313896 - Friday 8 April 2011 11:34

That's probably for the better.

Those jokes aren't funny to anyone but the mentally inept... which is probably why a high amount of FML commenters think they are...