Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML
Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML
Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML
Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML
Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
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Top comments
RoxyRaccoon 4
I love the way this was worded. :}D
XxKeLs3yxX 0
that sucks
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Comments (133)
mistyeyes 0
i love the way you wrote this lmao
abalgatti 0
#40 that is actually a euphemism, not an analogy
sammichpls1231 5
haha nice wordplay. fyl a little bit
tipple 0
This is called food poisoning - that's part of life - not FML.
smartman136 8
thts y u should always buy fresh
Jarnii 0
dude seriously go to a docter u probaly gonna have tapeworms
nessalujin 0
Ahh!That sucks, OP; I feel for you.
stewpididiot 11
OMFG. Somali Pirate Bad !?!?! #42 yer killin me . I'm gonna need to send you a dry cleaning bil. that was some funny shit!!
stewpididiot 11
#77 you totally contradickted yourself. go back and read your shit again. smoke a bowl AFTER you read it. hhahhahahahah there should NEVER be leftover seafood . friigitated or not. it is designed to try to kill you.
stewpididiot 11
frigitated!!! I just made that up!!!! LOFL !!!!!!!