Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML
Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML
Today, while my roommate was taking a bath, I became horribly sick out of nowhere. Since the bathroom was occupied, I ended up having explosive diarrhea in an Amazon box in my bedroom, which I immediately ran out to the dumpster. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML
Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML
Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
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Top comments
RoxyRaccoon 4
I love the way this was worded. :}D
XxKeLs3yxX 0
that sucks
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Comments (133)
Smilzen 0
Actually, I'd say your life is awesome--mainly because you still have one. Seafood kills 43% of the people who eat it, and the BAD seafood casualty rate is something like 99.7%. You also probably have at least three incurable parasitic infections of the testes now.
gotpromise 0
Loving these stats.
knibbsy 4
I wonder if those are the same parasites that cause non-uniform male Fallopian tube growth which have an odor comparable to nutella and the texture of a graphing calculator? I'm pretty sure about that one.
amymarie13 0
I don't believe those statistics. if they were true seafood would be rare or illegal
fml_2015 0
Thats not that bad
mickle1026 0
you've been worshiping the porcelin gid? lmao xDxD
Epic_Phale615 0
fyl, but the wording is funniez as hell, roflcopter.
astro_plastic 0
Aww, the mods didn't appreciate my bulimia joke. How about they delete all the woman/gay jokes too then? First amendment my ass.
perdix 31
a_p, you've got to learn FML's G-spots (aka the GTFO spots). It turns out that mentioning specific diseases gets your stuff kicked off with extreme prejudice. Remember the one a few days ago about the boyfriend who suddenly went OMNOMNOMNOM while kissing the OP. I suggested that he may have a mild form of the syndrome that starts with T and rhymes with barrettes. It was actually an informed guess. You know what the FML mods thought of it? GTFO!
Intoxicunt 6
Didi should really consider changing that pic. :D
imjaysaysno 0
That's why once your suposte to eat sea food right away, it doesn't keep well.
Miko159 0
Dude fyl for sure, for having the Screaming *****.
yuesler 0
gosh.
kathyfan 0
Whats with all these FML's where the people try to say something clever in the end? So annoying!!
Kiara41 0
Obviously the admins enjoy the "creative spark". It's probably the only reason why a lot of these recent ones are published. Anyway, OP, don't keep seafood in the fridge. *facepalm* How's that for post-cognition?
TALLY388 0
well had you bought them that day? coz if not it's SO YDI