Intimacy: Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I... - FML

By fmlfmlfml - Canada

Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. FML

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Serious times

Stomach bug?

Not good enough

By DrunkParents - United States - Billings

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

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By WTFiswrongwithme

Desperate times, desperate, dumb measures

Today, I was so desperate for human interaction that I asked a deaf girl in my class if she liked music. I actually signed it to her. FML

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By TheywearintheDIRTYlaundrybasket!

This is fine

Today, I walked into the house I share with my boyfriend and found his mum sashaying up and down the hall. When she saw me, she exclaimed, "Oh, you've got to tell me where you get your underwear from!" Yep, she was wearing my panties. Neither she nor her son could see why I would be upset by that. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML

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By itsemilyc - United States - Byron Center

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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By anon

Roll with it

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

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By Michael tee - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By breakinphones - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newton Center

Today, my daughter had a vocabulary assignment. She had to find five new words in books and movies. She was watching Shrek, so her first word was "thong". FML

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By Mia - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

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By jessiejaybee - United States

Today, while lying in bed cuddling with my cat after getting stood up, I found out that even 80-year-old Charles Manson is engaged to be married. FML

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By fml9124 - 1/3/2021 02:00

Animal lover

Today, my 14 year-old daughter threatened to run away. Why? We live in southern Arizona. In the last week, she's found a dead tarantula and a live scorpion in her bedroom. In a couple of weeks it will be rattlesnake season. She's not liking the desert much anymore, where even the plants want to hurt you. FML

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By GreatBlakWarior - 7/9/2020 08:03 - South Africa - Pretoria

Serious times

Today, after several unsuccessful job interviews, I'm starting to feel emotionally down as both my mum and myself are out of work due to Covid. I even applied as a call centre agent with a friend that offered training. He got accepted and I didn't. FML

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By beaverfever - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

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By

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

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By Bacular - United Kingdom

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

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By Lifes_a_bust - United States

Today, my cat died. But, before he could bite the dust, he left a goodbye present on my bed: a decapitated baby rabbit. FML

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By fucking_worthless_loser - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I came to a realization that the closest people to me in my life, the ones who are warm and welcoming, who're happy to see me, who honestly wanna know how I've been and how I feel, whose smiles make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, are the baristas at Starbucks, not my actual 'friends'. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

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By RS - United States - Delray Beach

Today, I tried a new hairstyle to impress a guy I like. I was pretty confident, until he took one look at me and said, "Uh... why's there an onion on your head?" So much for that. FML

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By dirtythief - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML

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By NYeeerrr

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - Australia

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By Nikki - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said "I am going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

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By mississippi123 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By roadrage - Australia

Today, I missed my University entrance exam because of heavy traffic. I was stuck at one intersection for over an hour. The real kicker? It took me less than 10 minutes to drive home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my dad hurt his back. He went to a physical therapist who gave him some exercises to do. I have to watch him lie on his back and air hump while groaning every hour on the hour for the next two weeks. FML

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By jwhizzle - Australia

Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML

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By mark807 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

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By ouch. - United States

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

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By tiffany - Canada

Today, after having lost 11 pounds following my pregnancy, I felt sexy and put on a cute outfit for my husband. When he walked into the bedroom, he ended up passing me three times, and then went to bed without a word. FML

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Top comments

By atruegem | 0

#384365 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:19

Rookie! Imagine how it would have scared him if you had made yourself noticed WHILE he was having phone sex. You passed the chance of a lifetime out of cowardice :P

By Fuck_The_Police | 0

#384388 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:35

Lol it would have been awsome if you scared him during phone sex

COMMENTS

By VintageGuitarist | 0

#384363 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:18

Why would you sneak out and pretend it never happened?

Reply

Ryozo_Kato | 0

#384409 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:58

Because, do you really feel like explaining to your brother that you were in his room the entire time he was having phone sex... Awkward..

Reply

Tkdxxxse | 0

#844192 - Thursday 11 February 2010 10:32

I would have jacked off then if he saw me I would be like I can explain........……........................ hold up let me finish lol

Reply

ruby29 | 0

#1076667 - Saturday 10 July 2010 8:46

If she told him he would get and probably get back at her bad.

Reply

fluffyzoe64 | 0

#2553085 - Monday 23 May 2011 14:12

The best solution would have been to scare him shortly after he picked up the phone as soon as the phone sex started. I think his girlfriend would have enjoyed hearing him squeal like a girl and you wouldn't have been stuck:)

By Kp_10 | 0

#384364 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:19

bahaha

By atruegem | 0

#384365 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:19

Rookie! Imagine how it would have scared him if you had made yourself noticed WHILE he was having phone sex. You passed the chance of a lifetime out of cowardice :P

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#384419 - Friday 10 July 2009 13:07

What would be even worse if the OP masturbated over them both having phone sex XD

Reply

atruegem | 0

#384472 - Friday 10 July 2009 14:05

seriously, the possibilities! It could have been the mother of all family pranks

Reply

animaniatico | 0

#384944 - Friday 10 July 2009 19:19

he could go and say, bo?
(with the interrogation mark)
or blackmail him (always works)

Reply

pleasetryagain | 0

#385823 - Saturday 11 July 2009 1:06

Agreed! Plus, if he went through with the prank before any of this started, he could have saved himself a lot of awkwardness. Why did the OP wait just because his girlfriend calls?

Reply

A83_fml | 18

#387473 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:56

perfect spot, perfect time for making goat sounds..

Reply

ScarlettFolklore | 0

#409087 - Sunday 19 July 2009 2:03

Agree! Hahahaa

By abdur | 0

#384366 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:20

lol Good Job with that! :P

By d347hm4n | 0

#384368 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:20

Quality stuff :D Keep up the good work. Something for his marriage speech.

By MadaFaka_fml | 0

#384374 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:27

lol....

By Fuck_The_Police | 0

#384388 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:35

Lol it would have been awsome if you scared him during phone sex

By Jimboom | 11

#384389 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:35

Ha ha! Wussy. Should have done it in the middle of his phone sex. Now THAT would have been funny!

Reply

sophiepento | 0

#385708 - Saturday 11 July 2009 0:24

So true.

By eliz3 | 0

#384391 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:36

Now that is a true FYL.

By SimpleSimon | 0

#384394 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:39

I agree, if you'd scared him while he was in the middle, you could probably have fucked up his sexual function for a good while. PTSD brought on by wanking... that's funny!