Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I... - FML

By fmlfmlfml - 10/7/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I snuck into my brother's room to scare him. Just as I was about to go for it, his girlfriend calls. I had to sit there motionless listening to my brother having phone sex, then wait for him to go to sleep and sneak back out to pretend it never happened. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Who's a good boy?

Assumptions

By BannedfromFriend - 20/5/2015 23:21 - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 04:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML

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By jigglypuff100 - 20/12/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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By Dezzy - 3/11/2014 19:06 - United States - Springfield

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend a surprise striptease. After I turned around, I heard him murmur "Oh, wow." I turned back around, only to find him watching a gif of a cat falling into snow in slow motion. FML

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By GiveMeCake - 2/12/2018 22:00

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

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By parentalissues - 15/2/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 22:24 - United States - Southlake

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

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By killmyself - 23/1/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - 26/6/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By Makala - 3/12/2011 08:15 - Egypt

Today, in geometry class, we were working in dead silence. Apparently my phone wasn't on vibrate, and I received 25 texts all at once, while it blasted "Hakuna Matataaaa" out of my back pocket. They weren't even texts from friends, just Facebook notifications. FML

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By mylovelifeisanepicfail - 12/3/2015 13:53 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By howcanihelpyou - 14/8/2018 20:45 - United States - Wantagh

Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML

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By in this day and age.... - 27/3/2016 16:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, the first words I heard from my "good, Christian" future mother-in-law included a salvo of curse words and a hushed rant about "them dirty Jews". I'm culturally Jewish. This bodes well. FML

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By kids are meh - 16/5/2016 21:47 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

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By Sam - 20/8/2010 05:34 - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

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By emmey - 23/7/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By Oblivious - 8/5/2009 19:39 - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my husband named our daughter after his favorite porn star. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 14:59 - United States - Newark

Today, I found out what a bottle of regurgitated wine looks like on white bedsheets. FML

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By I'veRunOuttaPatience - 31/8/2018 03:30

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

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By Kilimanjaro - 3/4/2012 04:41 - France

Today, the war against the pigeons on my veranda reached a new level. To try and get them to clear off, I gave my window pane a short, sharp knock. It broke into several shards, and not one of the totally oblivious birds moved. Pigeons 1, Me 0. FML

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By anon - 31/1/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By crap - 19/6/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I woke up extremely hungover. I couldn't find my car keys so I went out to my car to see if I had locked them inside. I walked back to the door of my apartment barefoot and empty handed, only to find that I had locked myself out of the apartment. FML

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By ShowOff - 11/3/2010 08:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

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By spacemanspiff78 - 31/10/2011 15:07

Today, while standing in line at the supermarket, I reached past my wife to get a pack of gum. She jokingly did the "battered wife flinch" to get a laugh, and smiled at me from behind her hand. The cop staring at us obviously didn't notice the smile and definitely didn't think it was funny. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2016 15:30 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

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By TheCrackerNinja - 26/11/2010 00:55 - United States

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

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By jshi8 - 4/8/2011 14:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2012 05:22 - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML

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By MrsRODixon - 5/3/2015 12:38 - United Kingdom - Pencoed

Today, I received an urgent call from my son's nursery asking me to collect him, saying he was, "lethargic, complaining about being ill and crying". I get there and he's running around, playing and admits he just wanted to come home. They still made me take him home. FML

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By unbirthday - 18/7/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2015 14:24 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 00:02

Missing the point 101

Today, I told my mom I lost 30 pounds because of an eating disorder. She told me to keep up the good work. FML

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By ChiefKoala - 27/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Rockwood

Vibrate mode

Today, my stomach growled so loudly in class that my professor told us to make sure our phones were silenced. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:49 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 17:26 - Canada - Uxbridge

Today, I'm insanely hungover from a long night of drinking. I'm going to my nephew's baptism in an hour as his godmother. FML

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Top comments

By atruegem | 0

#384365 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:19

Rookie! Imagine how it would have scared him if you had made yourself noticed WHILE he was having phone sex. You passed the chance of a lifetime out of cowardice :P

By Fuck_The_Police | 0

#384388 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:35

Lol it would have been awsome if you scared him during phone sex

Comments

By VintageGuitarist | 0

#384363 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:18

Why would you sneak out and pretend it never happened?

Reply

Ryozo_Kato | 0

#384409 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:58

Because, do you really feel like explaining to your brother that you were in his room the entire time he was having phone sex... Awkward..

Reply

Tkdxxxse | 0

#844192 - Thursday 11 February 2010 10:32

I would have jacked off then if he saw me I would be like I can explain........……........................ hold up let me finish lol

Reply

ruby29 | 0

#1076667 - Saturday 10 July 2010 8:46

If she told him he would get and probably get back at her bad.

Reply

fluffyzoe64 | 0

#2553085 - Monday 23 May 2011 14:12

The best solution would have been to scare him shortly after he picked up the phone as soon as the phone sex started. I think his girlfriend would have enjoyed hearing him squeal like a girl and you wouldn't have been stuck:)

By Kp_10 | 0

#384364 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:19

bahaha

By atruegem | 0

#384365 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:19

Rookie! Imagine how it would have scared him if you had made yourself noticed WHILE he was having phone sex. You passed the chance of a lifetime out of cowardice :P

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#384419 - Friday 10 July 2009 13:07

What would be even worse if the OP masturbated over them both having phone sex XD

Reply

atruegem | 0

#384472 - Friday 10 July 2009 14:05

seriously, the possibilities! It could have been the mother of all family pranks

Reply

animaniatico | 0

#384944 - Friday 10 July 2009 19:19

he could go and say, bo?
(with the interrogation mark)
or blackmail him (always works)

Reply

pleasetryagain | 0

#385823 - Saturday 11 July 2009 1:06

Agreed! Plus, if he went through with the prank before any of this started, he could have saved himself a lot of awkwardness. Why did the OP wait just because his girlfriend calls?

Reply

A83_fml | 18

#387473 - Saturday 11 July 2009 16:56

perfect spot, perfect time for making goat sounds..

Reply

ScarlettFolklore | 0

#409087 - Sunday 19 July 2009 2:03

Agree! Hahahaa

By abdur | 0

#384366 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:20

lol Good Job with that! :P

By d347hm4n | 0

#384368 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:20

Quality stuff :D Keep up the good work. Something for his marriage speech.

By MadaFaka_fml | 0

#384374 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:27

lol....

By Fuck_The_Police | 0

#384388 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:35

Lol it would have been awsome if you scared him during phone sex

By Jimboom | 11

#384389 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:35

Ha ha! Wussy. Should have done it in the middle of his phone sex. Now THAT would have been funny!

Reply

sophiepento | 0

#385708 - Saturday 11 July 2009 0:24

So true.

By eliz3 | 0

#384391 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:36

Now that is a true FYL.

By SimpleSimon | 0

#384394 - Friday 10 July 2009 12:39

I agree, if you'd scared him while he was in the middle, you could probably have fucked up his sexual function for a good while. PTSD brought on by wanking... that's funny!