Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML
Today, I sent my husband out for baby formula and cocoa butter to soothe my boobs from breastfeeding. He came back with powdered milk and deep heat rub. AND he still wanted praise for at least having tried to get what I asked for. I would kill him, but I need his wages while I'm on maternity. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML
Today, my fiancee asked me to text her a grocery list. I asked for meat, fruit, vegetables, you know, the staples. She came back with tons of sugar cereal, pop tarts, cookie dough, and other unhealthy crap. We have no other food, our monthly budget is gone, and junk food gives me horrible stomach cramps. FML
Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML
Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
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Top comments
krysxkatastrophe 14
Ice cream is awesome! I'm lactose intolerant too, but I don't care when it comes to that!
knights95 9
But they have cheese in them. Fail.
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Comments (294)
SteelCladAngel 0
sounds like what my husband does. :-/
Sunny_Eclipse 6
Sounds like a great dad-to-be. (If he is the baby's daddy.)
Rainbow_dumpster 28
Where's DocBastard when you need him?
DocBastard 40
I'm trying to avoid the mayhem, death, and destruction that once was the FML comment section.
Rainbow_dumpster 28
U serious? I miss reading your funny comments, Doc. Too bad there are angry trolls in this comment section. :(
DocBastard 40
Fear not, Dumpy. I'm getting back into the swing of things. The trolls have been running around unchecked for too long. Too long!
dreamering 16
Well said doc. I thought I was the only one having this impression.
Rainbow_dumpster 28
Thanks for the Assurance, Doc. Hope to see you soon. :)
bloodshedblack 5
well at least you have hot pockets.
nanner6206 24
For the love of rainbows!! How many times...? Hotpockets have CHEESE and OP is lactose INTOLERANT!
nanner6206 24
For the love of rainbows!! How many times...? Hotpockets have CHEESE and OP is lactose INTOLERANT!
dblue 0
JERRY JERRY JERRY!!! xD
Gandalf_22222 1
If you had just kept your legs together you would not be in this pradicament
BlondeSyd 0
stfu. that's her boyfriend. she can do whatever she wants. bitch.
TheDrifter 24
Yeah, if she wants a mutated miniature version of herself it's her right! He'd better be ready to pay for it though. After all, doing what she wants is more important than any damned consequences.
katt_is_here 24
I'm pretty sure it takes 2 people to make a baby....******* misogynist asshole.
missIrene 6
Haven't had a hot pocket in a cool minute danggggg now I want one
RandOmPhyXiO 5
what a prick
Rainbow_dumpster 28
Ah 30, that's funny. I miss those commercials. xD
InAmbrose 5
do any of u know that hot pockets have cheese in them too? hello, that's dairy. I'm lactose intolerant too, and can only have dairy in moderation. :/ sorry OP. your bf is a jerk.