Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML
Today, I sent my husband out for baby formula and cocoa butter to soothe my boobs from breastfeeding. He came back with powdered milk and deep heat rub. AND he still wanted praise for at least having tried to get what I asked for. I would kill him, but I need his wages while I'm on maternity. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML
Today, my fiancee asked me to text her a grocery list. I asked for meat, fruit, vegetables, you know, the staples. She came back with tons of sugar cereal, pop tarts, cookie dough, and other unhealthy crap. We have no other food, our monthly budget is gone, and junk food gives me horrible stomach cramps. FML
Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML
Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
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Top comments
krysxkatastrophe 14
Ice cream is awesome! I'm lactose intolerant too, but I don't care when it comes to that!
knights95 9
But they have cheese in them. Fail.
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Comments (294)
blackvyper 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Sounds like you should ditch the lactose intolerance act.. It's getting old. Peanut allergies, gluten free... what the f*ck is going with all of you? Where were the lactose intolerant cavemen? What's next?
Bobissmall 13
Erm, i'm fairly sure cavemen ate raw meat, grass, and other random vegetables they could find. Quite possibly they did have milk, but then i suppose once they found out that milk didn't agree with them... they stopped drinking it?
zonbieman 0
i know right? next people will claim that they have things like "cancer" and "diabetes". we all know cavemen never had either of those problems. gawd! /end sarcasm
silvereye12 7
you win.
finalyearsofhate 22
you need to do research on that because you sound ignorant. most people are lactose intolerant and don't realize it. there are varying degrees, and it is not something comfortable to deal with.
sovetskiy 8
How would any person know whether or not a caveman had a food allergy? Would it ever be possible to prove that? Perhaps the cavemen ate the foods they were allergic to when they were a child and died? Don't blame people for their allergies. -a guy who's allergic to peanuts
Ins0mau 20
The funny thing is, the ability to consume dairy WITHOUT problems is a relatively recent evolution. So ALL cavemen would be lactose intolerant. :-p
geeksaresexy 18
School was a very long time ago for #32.. He probably forgot about the whole evolution thing.
MissCharlotte_fml 26
Great! With this logic I can completely disreard my allergies to peanuts! Well I'm going to go eat some peanuts... everyone cross your fingers I don't die!! *end sarcasm*
BarbieGirl1671 0
You have a ******* awesome boyfriend. Good luck.
gallensteinc 0
I believe she was using sarcasm
lyri10 0
how is this an fml
NeverShoutDana 13
You really hooked a winner.. ;P
the88thpianoman 3
Step one: have an abortion and dump his childish ass. Step two: ??? Step three: profit!
zonbieman 0
I'm having fun thinking about what step two is
dreamering 16
Step four: Please don't comment when you're on crack.
jackassiddy 8
Step 2- have sex for money
jackassiddy 8
Step 2- have sex for money
JustKeepOnHatin 7
if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself
Bobissmall 13
*Grumble about FML's stupid commenting system*
dreamering 16
Beers too.
Beck2209 0
You're carrying this guy's kid...
sheethapins 13
The ice cream is for the foodsome. Who needs icy hot lube when you got tasty treats that do the same thing?