Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it...

By Jesus - 27/9/2011 02:03 - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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Health

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Tense

By Ewwwwww - 4/2/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

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By Damn - 6/12/2016 20:12

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

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By Jake - 7/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, my mom told me that Walmart had called and I had an interview at 9:30. I went to Walmart. They told me they didn't have any interviews set up. I went back home and listened to the voice-mail on her cellphone. It was the Subway in Walmart. I've been looking for a job for 3 months. FML

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By dumbluck - 16/3/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, I was driving in stop and go traffic and passed two accidents in the process. I got nervous and decided to change routes to avoid getting hit. As I was trying to find an alternative route on my GPS, I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By yerbuagalapagos wonder - 6/2/2009 21:50 - Ecuador

Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished, the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for two minutes. FML

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By fatcat - 5/9/2018 16:30 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

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By Lisa - 19/8/2018 23:30

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

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By Meg - 15/7/2011 22:24 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 23:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML

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By Bridget - 11/5/2013 04:01 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I found out I have something in common with three other girls. We all have the same boyfriend. FML

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By Mike - 31/10/2009 04:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

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By GracieGirl - 4/10/2019 06:00

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Lonley Lesbian - 17/6/2020 02:02

Bye bye love, hello loneliness

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush out. Also today, she changed her Facebook status to "In a relationship." I'm so damn lonely. FML

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By twatstick - 21/8/2013 17:30 - United Kingdom - Worksop

Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML

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By irony - 16/8/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

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By HaliMali - 22/2/2015 18:21 - United States - Hastings

Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By moms a baby - 31/3/2014 02:44 - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

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By Katy3225 - 6/6/2018 15:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

First Impression

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

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By thatgirl34 - 9/2/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML

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By cargaljen - 7/8/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Immaculatedream - 27/7/2013 07:56 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2015 10:16

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

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By fiftyshardsofbroccoli - 26/10/2012 17:58 - United States

Today, my grandma took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. After explaining the mechanics in excessive detail, she said I shouldn't be afraid to sleep around. Apparently, I need to be comfortable with the man who'll be "conning me into blowing him for the next 50 years." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 09:01 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

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By Loki16 - 2/6/2016 08:40 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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By fatty punani - 5/6/2020 08:00

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

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By Bob - 20/6/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was from myself: a positive pregnancy test. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 21:45 - United States - Plainsboro

Today, while life-guarding in a 55+ community, I greeted a man by saying: "Good morning Sir!" He responded with, "Cut the shit kid, I'm not that fucking old." FML

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By Neutered - 27/11/2012 19:52 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

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By anon - 23/11/2011 22:53

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

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By anonymous - 20/3/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By ShockBait - 22/8/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

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By ijustwantpizza - 7/1/2015 12:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was having a cheat meal after 2 weeks of strict dieting. When I opened the pizza box, I saw a cockroach. It'd been baked into the cheese. FML

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By coffee - 7/3/2013 13:44 - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2012 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I drove home from work, only to find both my next-door neighbours loudly arguing in the middle of my driveway. I got out and asked them what the hell was going on, only to find out one of their inbred kids had put a brick through my back window, and each is claiming the other did it. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 3/2/2019 12:00

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. Ihe first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

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By youngsamoo92 - 7/12/2016 04:32 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

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By DumbassRoaster - 10/7/2016 19:44 - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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Top comments

By Miss_Kristen | 10

#3354229 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:27

Why would you kill it with your bare hands?!

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3354270 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:30

How does someone mistake a sharp pointed object with an 8 legged arachnid. You are not the sharpest tool in the shed, although a hammer might have been nice.

COMMENTS

By Miss_Kristen | 10

#3354229 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:27

Why would you kill it with your bare hands?!

construction | 7

#3354952 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:39

Why not? Makes it more satisfying lol

LiyIa_fml | 8

#3355224 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:31

Well... At least you don't have spider guts all over your hand...

rexgar2000 | 10

#3355343 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 15:19

well isn't that smart.

TROLLFACEdotJPG | 5

#3355455 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 15:59

Didn't you read his name he's Jesus for god sake.

opendoorclosed | 8

#3355466 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:05

"I RECKON IT'S ONE OF THEM STICK SHAPPED SPIDERS, MAH!"

drawmesunshine | 17

#3355845 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:39

I like spiders. They eat the bad things like mosquitos and flies. And most of them are harmless to people.

OP, YDI for trying to kill a spider.

ihavenosoul | 4

#3355927 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:04

82- the spider would do the same thing OP tried to do of it had humans in it's house.

NameTitleHere | 0

#3357226 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 23:51

Lool, I read it wrong. I thought OP used their Head! And I was thinking, " Why not use your hands?!"

fishing12345 | 2

#3357589 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 1:10

You don't?

ihavenosoul | 4

#3358118 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:26

She uses the force to kill spiders.

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#3358137 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:29

who else keeps getting the image in their minds?

nonye | 2

#3358611 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 5:27

Ouch!!!!!!!

Po1ntBlank | 0

#3361064 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:13

LMAO. His username is jesus, and he had his hand impaled on a nail. crusifcation anyone?

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4473579 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:13

That's what I said.

By banman12321 | 6

#3354233 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

Owned?

lerouxmaster | 7

#3354879 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:19

Nailed.

piehunter1 | 0

#3355161 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:04

^^ I see what you did there. :D

Bravo11 | 14

#3356527 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 20:47

Jesus, I bet that hurt.

By cBlackout | 13

#3354240 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

A very sharp spider indeed.

stevenJB | 25

#4111403 - Thursday 1 March 2012 22:10

A very sharp...witted spider, If you will.

By BeatlesObsessed | 12

#3354244 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

Hahaha, we have to admit that it's happened to all of us before as well. :p

construction | 7

#3354961 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:40

Cant say that I confused a sharp nail for a 6 legged spider

Caitlyn36 | 8

#3354977 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:45

Uhm, spiders have 8 legs :/

drawmesunshine | 17

#3355818 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:33

Unless he's twice an amputee.

SteelCladAngel | 0

#3356002 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:37

Can't say I've ever spiked a nail through my hand trying to swat a spider.
I use a vacuum, a book or a spiffy little handheld bug zapper...

tweetbaby14 | 17

#3357106 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 22:49

No some of the more twisted people rip legs off of spiders.... Could even have 3 legs.

And I can't say that I've done the same...

lajaynay | 15

#3358728 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 5:57

Technically... Spiders have 6 legs and 2 arms. Their front 'legs' are used as arms.

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3362734 - Thursday 29 September 2011 1:51

Smart ass...

victoria114 | 6

#4452541 - Friday 18 May 2012 20:44

I could bet you that didnt happen to you... I dont think many people on earth think a nail is a spider... /:s

By baseballplaya5 | 7

#3354253 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

slick5880 | 22

#3355144 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 13:52

You really can't be dumb enough to put your phone number in your profile.

tmmundy | 17

#3355179 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:11

#61...oh but he can and is, lmao. can't imagine the phone calls or texts this guy has gotten from doing this. I bet it will be a FML soon. LMAO

ReynshineCutting | 10

#3355734 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:14

Not to mention his email address is his name. Poor dumb kids.

tweetbaby14 | 17

#3358026 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:08

And then your info was mysteriously given to a bunch of dirty old dudes in NAMBLA.

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3354270 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:30

How does someone mistake a sharp pointed object with an 8 legged arachnid. You are not the sharpest tool in the shed, although a hammer might have been nice.