Health: Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it...

By Jesus - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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14511

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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79561

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By xkellybabyyx - United States

Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, "you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing". I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML

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14848

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By screwedupkid

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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23457

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By Anonymous

There's insane and then there's this guy

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

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2090

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By Anonymous

Today, after planning 4 months in advance and spending almost $600 to cover everyone's tickets to the event center, all of my siblings decided to bail on my 30th birthday celebration because driving 3 hours is too much. FML

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4183

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By Someguy - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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By itchtoscratch

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

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14779

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3054

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By shyshy96679 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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46002

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By Madison Ostermeier

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

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1494

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By MrZhang - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By makin bacon

Bad smell

Today, my idiot roommate read somewhere that bacon grease could be used on squeaky doors and windows. Now, we're desperately trying to scrub the rancid goop out of door hinges and window tracks. Our whole place smells like rotten pig ass and death! FML

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2044

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By SebastianMiko - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

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47941

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By ConfusedGirl - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

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25040

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By firstdategoals - United States

Today, I went on my very first date. We went out to eat dinner and everything went great! Afterwards, I went to drop him back off at his house. I backed out of his driveway and got stuck in a ditch. His dad had to come out and tow me out. So that's how I met my boyfriend's parents. FML

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27073

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By Virginy - France

Send help

Today, I got stuck in my building's elevator. I pushed the emergency button, which made a ringing noise. After about half an hour, I heard someone yell, "Stop pushing that button, my kids are sleeping." FML

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36759

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By Anonymous - Norway - Trondheim

Today, I went to the airport after saying goodbye to my, for some reason, giggling boyfriend. I learnt why he was so cheerful when I opened my purse in front of the guards, only to find pink-furry handcuffs, and a huge dildo. They pretended not to know what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57155

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By alone_forever - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

I agree, your life sucks

77715

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

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27183

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By scaredypants123 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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38341

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

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39399

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found myself crying in the bathroom because I started to feel lonely and depressed. My mother came into the bathroom, hearing me cry and gave me an hour long speech about what a beautiful human being I am... And to not forget to lose weight. FML

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30458

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By idk what to do - 4/3/2021 00:30

Single life

Today, I'm 22 year-old woman, and my entire family thinks something is wrong with me because I've never been in a relationship. I'm starting to believe them. FML

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845

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122

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By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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5011

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Right in the miniature tree

Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML

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5490

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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1016

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152

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By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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44944

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By Mom - United States

Today, my son decided to come out of the closet by wearing a shirt that said "Mom, I'm gay" to the family reunion. FML

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45788

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By craZycatLady - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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33254

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming "I meant it!" FML

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37593

You deserved it

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By Anya - Japan - Fukuoka

Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "that's what you get." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8600

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By john - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

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29114

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By Anonymous - United States - Mariposa

Today, I found out that the money that my wife claims went into repairing her car engine actually is going towards helping her pay for a divorce. FML

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40629

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

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33432

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By muddygal - United States

Stuck

Today, while driving with my family, the car got stuck in a large patch of mud. My family of seven decided that I, the fifteen year old girl, would be best suited to push it out. After slipping, falling, and getting completely covered in mud, they finally called a tow truck. FML

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37148

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By AlwaysTired - United States - San Carlos

Today, I was officially diagnosed with OCD. My mother's reaction? "That's not possible, she's a fucking slob." FML

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24250

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a nice, relaxing hot stone massage. Instead I got second degree burns on my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29592

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

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38877

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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41143

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By ouch.... - United States - Duxbury

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

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43075

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Top comments

By Miss_Kristen | 10

#3354229 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:27

Why would you kill it with your bare hands?!

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3354270 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:30

How does someone mistake a sharp pointed object with an 8 legged arachnid. You are not the sharpest tool in the shed, although a hammer might have been nice.

COMMENTS

By Miss_Kristen | 10

#3354229 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:27

Why would you kill it with your bare hands?!

construction | 7

#3354952 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:39

Why not? Makes it more satisfying lol

LiyIa_fml | 8

#3355224 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:31

Well... At least you don't have spider guts all over your hand...

rexgar2000 | 10

#3355343 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 15:19

well isn't that smart.

TROLLFACEdotJPG | 5

#3355455 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 15:59

Didn't you read his name he's Jesus for god sake.

opendoorclosed | 8

#3355466 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:05

"I RECKON IT'S ONE OF THEM STICK SHAPPED SPIDERS, MAH!"

drawmesunshine | 17

#3355845 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:39

I like spiders. They eat the bad things like mosquitos and flies. And most of them are harmless to people.

OP, YDI for trying to kill a spider.

ihavenosoul | 4

#3355927 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:04

82- the spider would do the same thing OP tried to do of it had humans in it's house.

NameTitleHere | 0

#3357226 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 23:51

Lool, I read it wrong. I thought OP used their Head! And I was thinking, " Why not use your hands?!"

fishing12345 | 2

#3357589 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 1:10

You don't?

ihavenosoul | 4

#3358118 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:26

She uses the force to kill spiders.

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#3358137 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:29

who else keeps getting the image in their minds?

nonye | 2

#3358611 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 5:27

Ouch!!!!!!!

Po1ntBlank | 0

#3361064 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:13

LMAO. His username is jesus, and he had his hand impaled on a nail. crusifcation anyone?

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4473579 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:13

That's what I said.

By banman12321 | 6

#3354233 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

Owned?

lerouxmaster | 7

#3354879 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:19

Nailed.

piehunter1 | 0

#3355161 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:04

^^ I see what you did there. :D

Bravo11 | 14

#3356527 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 20:47

Jesus, I bet that hurt.

By cBlackout | 13

#3354240 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

A very sharp spider indeed.

stevenJB | 25

#4111403 - Thursday 1 March 2012 22:10

A very sharp...witted spider, If you will.

By BeatlesObsessed | 12

#3354244 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

Hahaha, we have to admit that it's happened to all of us before as well. :p

construction | 7

#3354961 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:40

Cant say that I confused a sharp nail for a 6 legged spider

Caitlyn36 | 8

#3354977 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:45

Uhm, spiders have 8 legs :/

drawmesunshine | 17

#3355818 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:33

Unless he's twice an amputee.

SteelCladAngel | 0

#3356002 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:37

Can't say I've ever spiked a nail through my hand trying to swat a spider.
I use a vacuum, a book or a spiffy little handheld bug zapper...

tweetbaby14 | 17

#3357106 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 22:49

No some of the more twisted people rip legs off of spiders.... Could even have 3 legs.

And I can't say that I've done the same...

lajaynay | 15

#3358728 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 5:57

Technically... Spiders have 6 legs and 2 arms. Their front 'legs' are used as arms.

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3362734 - Thursday 29 September 2011 1:51

Smart ass...

victoria114 | 6

#4452541 - Friday 18 May 2012 20:44

I could bet you that didnt happen to you... I dont think many people on earth think a nail is a spider... /:s

By baseballplaya5 | 7

#3354253 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:29

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

slick5880 | 22

#3355144 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 13:52

You really can't be dumb enough to put your phone number in your profile.

tmmundy | 17

#3355179 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:11

#61...oh but he can and is, lmao. can't imagine the phone calls or texts this guy has gotten from doing this. I bet it will be a FML soon. LMAO

ReynshineCutting | 10

#3355734 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:14

Not to mention his email address is his name. Poor dumb kids.

tweetbaby14 | 17

#3358026 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:08

And then your info was mysteriously given to a bunch of dirty old dudes in NAMBLA.

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3354270 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:30

How does someone mistake a sharp pointed object with an 8 legged arachnid. You are not the sharpest tool in the shed, although a hammer might have been nice.