Health: Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it...

By Jesus - Canada

Today, I saw what I thought was a spider. Wanting to kill it as quickly as possible, I smacked my hand against the wall with force. It was a nail. FML

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Health

Out of it

Business savvy

What did I do?

By tumblrinas_at_work - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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By Toothless_Lasagna

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

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By GM38 - United States - Melbourne

Today, I divorced my husband of 20 years. The only positive thing about my day was my pregnancy test. Yes, it was his. FML

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By Sebastian - United States

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, my sister still refuses to pay back all the money she owes me because she once bought me something from the dollar menu at McDonald's. FML

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By jake - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By yosmurf

Smooth.

Today, I finished taking a huge dump at the public restroom at the mall. When I got up to wipe, my wrist clipped my butt and knocked my brand new Apple Watch into the toilet. FML

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By MaydayManic - United States

Today, I finally went to my boyfriend's house to meet his family. When they were giving me a tour of the house, I noticed a Nazi flag on my boyfriend's bedroom door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

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By Al Staten

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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By NoFriends - 6/10/2020 16:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Social media was a mistake

Today, my husband deleted the Messenger app, because he doesn't use it a lot, and people can text him. That's fine, but he didn't tell any of his contacts that. All his friends think he's blocked them. He's now pouting, because no one's texting him. He's not on Facebook, so no-one sees him there either. FML

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By fu2then - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

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Volcanic eruption

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By ohdamn - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was at my job life-guarding, when a woman pushed the spine-board over, hitting me on the back of my head. She laughed, but I now have a concussion and a stiff neck, and my co-workers can't stop laughing at the "irony." FML

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By nicetoknow - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

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By heytherexo - United States

Today, while showering, my 3 year old son comes to the bathroom and puts on all my makeup. Once I got out of the shower, I got a camera I had and took a few adorable shots. Afterward, I sent the images to all my friends and family. Then I realized the reflection on the mirror was me fully naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my professor what happened to the assignment I gave him several weeks ago. Turns out he lost it, and graded me zero as a result. Now if I want a mark, he says I'll have to hand-write it all over again, but that I "probably shouldn't bother," because it was "a bit shit, really." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

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By Notadrugdealer

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

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By Mary

Today, I tried to go down the stairs two steps at a time. I slipped, fell flat on my ass, and busted my lower lip against my overbite. When I tried to get up, I realized I had also peed my pants. FML

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By he's mine - United Kingdom - Harpenden

Today, I found my sister's wedding book. Inside it was a list of potential grooms; she'd written down all of my ex-boyfriends. And my fiancé. We're getting married in three weeks. FML

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By probablydeadbymidnight - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

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By booboo300

Today, I picked up my gardisal 9 hpv update shot that my doctor prescribed and discovered that not only do I need three of them, they are $200 a piece. The guy I was dating that was the reason I needed the booster broke up with me on Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By NoBasement4U - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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By annoyed - United States

Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML

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By GyroUpgraded - United States - Portland

Today, after driving to three drug testing clinics that were approved for my job, each one declined me saying they dont do testing anymore. Now I have to drive another 25 miles to see if someone will say, "You're clean." FML

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By jtaylor94 - Canada

Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said "is your dad home?" I replied "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML

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By goddamitme - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

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By Anonymous

Waxing pubical

Today, I was waxing my legs and somehow dropped an enormous dollop of hot wax on my naked crotch. I refused to yank it off, but still had to cut it off with scissors. So now I have a huge patch of pubic hair way shorter than the rest of it. It looks a right mess FML

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949

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By groom - France

Today, I cut my nice and tasty home-made sandwich in half to give to a homeless man. He tasted it, pulled an unimpressed face, and then stuck it in his pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I was playing Draw Something with my girlfriend, when I decided to start a game with some other people. She immediately accused me of "cheating" on her, and still refuses to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 08:00

Poisoned chalice

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

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Top comments

By Miss_Kristen | 10

#3354229 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:27

Why would you kill it with your bare hands?!

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3354270 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:30

How does someone mistake a sharp pointed object with an 8 legged arachnid. You are not the sharpest tool in the shed, although a hammer might have been nice.

COMMENTS

By Miss_Kristen | 10

#3354229 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:27

Why would you kill it with your bare hands?!

construction | 7

#3354952 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:39

Why not? Makes it more satisfying lol

LiyIa_fml | 8

#3355224 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:31

Well... At least you don't have spider guts all over your hand...

rexgar2000 | 10

#3355343 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 15:19

well isn't that smart.

TROLLFACEdotJPG | 5

#3355455 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 15:59

Didn't you read his name he's Jesus for god sake.

opendoorclosed | 8

#3355466 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 16:05

"I RECKON IT'S ONE OF THEM STICK SHAPPED SPIDERS, MAH!"

drawmesunshine | 17

#3355845 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:39

I like spiders. They eat the bad things like mosquitos and flies. And most of them are harmless to people.

OP, YDI for trying to kill a spider.

ihavenosoul | 4

#3355927 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:04

82- the spider would do the same thing OP tried to do of it had humans in it's house.

NameTitleHere | 0

#3357226 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 23:51

Lool, I read it wrong. I thought OP used their Head! And I was thinking, " Why not use your hands?!"

fishing12345 | 2

#3357589 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 1:10

You don't?

ihavenosoul | 4

#3358118 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:26

She uses the force to kill spiders.

worldcupcheer17 | 0

#3358137 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:29

who else keeps getting the image in their minds?

nonye | 2

#3358611 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 5:27

Ouch!!!!!!!

Po1ntBlank | 0

#3361064 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 18:13

LMAO. His username is jesus, and he had his hand impaled on a nail. crusifcation anyone?

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4473579 - Thursday 24 May 2012 0:13

That's what I said.

By banman12321 | 6

#3354233 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

Owned?

lerouxmaster | 7

#3354879 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:19

Nailed.

piehunter1 | 0

#3355161 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:04

^^ I see what you did there. :D

Bravo11 | 14

#3356527 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 20:47

Jesus, I bet that hurt.

By cBlackout | 13

#3354240 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

A very sharp spider indeed.

stevenJB | 25

#4111403 - Thursday 1 March 2012 22:10

A very sharp...witted spider, If you will.

By BeatlesObsessed | 12

#3354244 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:28

Hahaha, we have to admit that it's happened to all of us before as well. :p

construction | 7

#3354961 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:40

Cant say that I confused a sharp nail for a 6 legged spider

Caitlyn36 | 8

#3354977 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 12:45

Uhm, spiders have 8 legs :/

drawmesunshine | 17

#3355818 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:33

Unless he's twice an amputee.

SteelCladAngel | 0

#3356002 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 18:37

Can't say I've ever spiked a nail through my hand trying to swat a spider.
I use a vacuum, a book or a spiffy little handheld bug zapper...

tweetbaby14 | 17

#3357106 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 22:49

No some of the more twisted people rip legs off of spiders.... Could even have 3 legs.

And I can't say that I've done the same...

lajaynay | 15

#3358728 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 5:57

Technically... Spiders have 6 legs and 2 arms. Their front 'legs' are used as arms.

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3362734 - Thursday 29 September 2011 1:51

Smart ass...

victoria114 | 6

#4452541 - Friday 18 May 2012 20:44

I could bet you that didnt happen to you... I dont think many people on earth think a nail is a spider... /:s

By baseballplaya5 | 7

#3354253 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

slick5880 | 22

#3355144 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 13:52

You really can't be dumb enough to put your phone number in your profile.

tmmundy | 17

#3355179 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 14:11

#61...oh but he can and is, lmao. can't imagine the phone calls or texts this guy has gotten from doing this. I bet it will be a FML soon. LMAO

ReynshineCutting | 10

#3355734 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 17:14

Not to mention his email address is his name. Poor dumb kids.

tweetbaby14 | 17

#3358026 - Wednesday 28 September 2011 3:08

And then your info was mysteriously given to a bunch of dirty old dudes in NAMBLA.

By s0m3guy2010 | 21

#3354270 - Tuesday 27 September 2011 8:30

How does someone mistake a sharp pointed object with an 8 legged arachnid. You are not the sharpest tool in the shed, although a hammer might have been nice.