Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large... - FML

By romea244 - 14/8/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Who's a good boy?

Headache

By Chels - 4/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML

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By phansmootchie - 20/12/2011 08:14 - United States

Today, I lost my keys. My roommate locked me out, then yelled at me when I made her come home to let me in. I tore my room apart searching for them, and even went out to search my locker room. When I got home, I glanced at my wall only to find my keys hanging on the hook I set up specifically for them. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2015 21:52 - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

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By Facebook - 13/6/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I logged into facebook for the first time in a month. I had only 3 new notifications, they were to tell me that the poker application I used on there "missed me" and wanted to give me 10,000 free chips. My poker app talks to me more than my friends. FML

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By kggggg - 12/8/2010 11:00 - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I noticed her brother had a bit of an accent. I laughingly said "Is it me or does your little brother have an accent?" She stared and replied with "No, he has autism." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Backwards ass logic

Today, my boyfriend told me that it's "disgusting" to wash your "rear end" and that he has never, and will never, do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2015 06:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

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By ljcxo17 - 1/7/2011 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

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By miss cranky pants - 30/10/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my gynecologist was having trouble with my exam due to me being "too tight." I'm 24. After the explanation of having been pretty inactive in over a year, she exclaimed, "Damn, girl, we really need to find you a boyfriend!" Yeah, tell me about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 02:35 - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

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By Gemma - 3/11/2010 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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By jordansquared - 21/12/2018 16:00

Today, I received a Christmas card from my husband’s parents and found for the 7th straight year I wasn’t included on the card. Instead they included a picture of my husband’s ex-girlfriend holding my baby. I’ve already received messages asking if he’s back together with her. No. No he’s not. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2016 10:39 - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By melissa1028 - 18/10/2014 02:23 - United States

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2018 22:00

Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML

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By Mike - 7/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 10:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By monster in law. - 17/12/2014 07:35 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

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By oops - 19/4/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By Wannabees - 3/4/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

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By DayamyWuzHere - 24/11/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do." FML

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By GrossedOut - 11/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By xharmonyx - 24/4/2012 08:29 - United States

Today, I paid for someone else's pee so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

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By brokenheart - 21/5/2018 19:00

Lust at First Sight

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years is leaving me for someone he met once at graduation 2 days ago. Apparently it was a magical "love at first sight" experience. FML

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By accident - 14/2/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

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By - 27/2/2020 18:00

Not really a good idea

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

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By johncabbot25 - 23/12/2011 10:53 - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

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By Jessie - 25/11/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, during my boyfriend's family reunion, I started my period but didn't have any tampons. I asked my boyfriend to ask his mom if she had any. I sat on the toilet waiting, then heard him loudly ask his whole family "Does anybody have a tampon my girlfriend can have?" FML

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By derped-out sperm - 1/4/2014 21:41 - Ireland

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

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By hoogimo - 24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2012 18:43 - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

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By ouch - 9/2/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 14:51 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend had 3 birthday parties for herself over the weekend. I wasn't invited to any of them. When I asked her why, she said I "didn't fit in" to any of the groups that were at the parties. All my other friends were invited. FML

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By SailorVenus93 - 29/10/2019 20:00

Giddy approval!

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

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By imamonster1992 - 24/12/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 05:00 - United States

Drama abounds

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

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By very analytical - 26/6/2015 19:56 - United States - Ashland

Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML

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By avoid the sour cream - 30/12/2013 06:14 - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By gwengas - 30/7/2014 06:51 - France - Saint-ouen-des-alleux

Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML

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Top comments

By blondie1208 | 17

#3107539 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:56

spiders. gotta hate those little bitches

By glutgyoogle | 6

#3107610 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:09

I hate when the spider wins....

Comments

By blondie1208 | 17

#3107539 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:56

spiders. gotta hate those little bitches

Reply

Blueglasscup | 18

#3107564 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:00

Shit what about Tarantulas?! Those fucking dicks are gigantic! -shivers in fear-

Reply

Pixxio_O | 11

#3108071 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:07

This is a continued fml from when op came home to discover that his house had been destroyed on minecraft...

Reply

Jaimegirl | 7

#3108121 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:28

Today, I was holding a knife in my right hand, all the sudden my left arm started to itch, I forgot I had a knife. FML

Reply

eshhayz | 0

#3108454 - Sunday 14 August 2011 19:28

maybe try anti-perspirant repellent ?

Reply

muzzr11 | 4

#3108551 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:03

It's funny how so many people are completely oblivious to how retarded they are haha

Reply

andy_l | 14

#3108720 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:56

Moral of the story: don't have fucking cactuses in the house.

Reply

androiddestroya | 7

#3110399 - Monday 15 August 2011 4:43

ugh... arachnaphobia

Reply

ilikesupras | 0

#3124860 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 9:52

you're hot.

By HarryMcC | 1

#3107546 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:57

I can say I know your pain hope it wasn't a big cactus.

Reply

BeastMode5 | 0

#3107566 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:01

Go back and read the FML honey. -.-

Reply

fruitschinpo | 0

#3107595 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:07

lol. it clearly stats LARGE cactus. what are you !? blind !?

Reply

fruitschinpo | 0

#3107606 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:09

states* ^^^^

Reply

HarryMcC | 1

#3107618 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:10

Sorry, I apologise =)

Reply

fruitschinpo | 0

#3107665 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:19

worries man =D

Reply

flagg1888 | 3

#3107692 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:26

actually it was a piece of a large cactus, so the size is not defined

Reply

sxe_beast | 11

#3108482 - Sunday 14 August 2011 19:39

"I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus."

...I was taking out a LARGE CACTUS. That's indicative of the cactus itself being large.

Reply

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3109264 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:40

45, it says after that 'as I wa throwing the pieces away' Dont need to be a jackass.

By Autosaver | 15

#3107556 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:58

Ouch! Hope you feel better. Spiders can be a pain in the butt sometimes. :|

Reply

Zareen | 0

#3773725 - Friday 23 December 2011 2:13

Like always...

Reply

Zareen | 0

#3786550 - Sunday 25 December 2011 16:18

Always be a pain in the butt...spiders...

By glutgyoogle | 6

#3107610 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:09

I hate when the spider wins....

Reply

CDABXXX | 5

#3112941 - Monday 15 August 2011 14:13

You must hate Spiderman.

By bawlerr75 | 9

#3107615 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:10

Well y would you even do that lmfao aha:D that made my day aha

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3109273 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:42

Aha me too aha

Reply

bawlerr75 | 9

#3109951 - Monday 15 August 2011 2:48

It was funny who does that lol but have slammed my hand on the car door while entering the doctors office lol but at least I was already at the doctors office.lol so I probably shouldn't be talking. Aha

By ImmaB3AST | 7

#3107625 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:12

Spider-1, Dumb person trying to beat it with a cactus-0.

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#3108700 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:51

Beat it with a cactus . . . maybe that's how the other guy scabbed his penis

Reply

ImmaB3AST | 7

#3109182 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:01

Jerking too hard with a cactus? That's more than a scab.

Reply

bawlerr75 | 9

#3109206 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:10

Omg yuu have such an amazing smile :)

By MangoRico1 | 1

#3107627 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:12

Ninja spider... Better sleep with one eye open now...

By NomOnShroomz | 14

#3107639 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:14

So you ripped off a piece of the cactus and tried (and failed) to hit the spider with it?

Reply

ImmaB3AST | 7

#3107719 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:32

It says she was picking up prices to throw away.

Reply

seeunexttuesdays | 6

#3108100 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:19

Pieces* xD

Reply

ImmaB3AST | 7

#3108150 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:35

I said that but for some reason it went to a completely different comment. (the one of the guy who moderated this). And I was just like... Fuck it.

By dstivers | 0

#3107641 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:14

They make items for situations like these. I believe they're called fly swatters. You should look into getting one.

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3107645 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:15

I believe those are for flies.

Reply

carlieee1 | 8

#3107728 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:34

15- I'm pretty sure you can use them for whatever the fuck you want.

Reply

carlieee1 | 8

#3107731 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:34

15- I'm pretty sure you can use them for whatever the fuck you want.

Reply

meatwad63 | 0

#3107921 - Sunday 14 August 2011 17:21

Yes as I also carry a flie swatter everywhere I go -.- please don't be stupid.

Reply

jellitonoctopus | 19

#3108110 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:21

fly*

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3109275 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:43

Who kills a spider with a fly swatter? -__-

Reply

1vdog | 0

#3110532 - Monday 15 August 2011 5:54

Butt scratcher?

By acquiesce | 6

#3107646 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:16

Ouch.