Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large... - FML

By romea244 - 14/8/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

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Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

A beautiful truck decoration

Buzzing the tower

By jenA - 12/7/2012 02:40 - United States

Today, I got a sweet promotion at my job. Instead of being happy and celebrating with me, my boyfriend broke up with me because he is jealous that I'm more successful than he is. FML

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By n0taplumber - 16/11/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By wellesleybanana - 17/4/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

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By Drai Gray - 24/6/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By BadLuckBetty - 9/8/2016 11:33 - United States - Millville

Today, after weeks of flirting with the hot guy at the gym, he finally asked me to meet up with him outside. I was diagnosed with strep throat just hours before our date. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 05:00

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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By Shauna - 10/11/2012 09:02 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2011 17:22 - Canada

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

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By NoFriends - 2/8/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 00:01

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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By Ep1cF4ce - 26/7/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sleeping like a baby on our living room couch. My older brother and his friends lit my slippers on fire. While I was wearing them. They even took a video. FML

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By BarryShitpeas - 19/9/2013 15:18 - United Kingdom - Cranbrook

Today, my enjoyment of popping bubble wrap was yet again ruined by my excessive OCD tendencies. FML

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By not the scalpel - 15/9/2012 07:36 - United States - Paso Robles

Weird

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

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By Shoes - 12/6/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By regretter - 1/3/2011 01:07

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, my favorite fish died. To make things better my parents thought to take me out to dinner. We ate sushi. FML

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By iloveZELOS - 5/7/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, my boss told me he is a superhero. He has written countless comics about his crusades and adventures. I make fifty dollars an hour less than him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2011 16:09 - United States

Denied!

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

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By smiles22 - 27/11/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

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By thanksbro - 20/9/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I grabbed a handful of crackers from the kitchen, only to find it crawling with bugs. Apparently, my brother had made the same discovery earlier, but put the box of crackers back in the cupboard anyway. FML

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By Hmmmm - 20/9/2012 14:58 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

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By j - 1/3/2011 06:26

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By familypet - 9/1/2016 03:09 - United States - Vista

Today, I overheard my parents talking about our family pet. Or at least I thought they were, until my mother exclaimed, "Honestly, I don't know why we keep her." Our dog is male. FML

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By sorkin15 - 24/3/2016 21:06 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I went to Costco and the cashier asked me how I was doing so, to be nice, I asked her back. She said, "I'm fucking horrible, I'm working at Costco," nearly making me spit my drink out. FML

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By Zora - 15/7/2012 23:13 - Norway - Bergen

Today, while shopping, my six-year-old son threw a tantrum because I wouldn't buy him a video game. I ended up having to grab his arm and leave the store. He screamed that I was kidnapping him, at which point I was socked in the face and pinned to the floor by three bystanders. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2010 07:25 - United States

Today, after having been a vegetarian for 8 years because I'm opposed to cruelty to animals, I lost a bet and had to eat a whole cheeseburger. I loved it. FML

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By Brie - 5/9/2011 13:00 - United States

Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML

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By Ananimus - 26/8/2015 12:31 - United States - Peekskill

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

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By booearns - 17/4/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By honeybee2487 - 30/8/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, at work, I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. As I looked up to see what it was, a huge splash of water hit me in the face. I called mall maintenance to let them know. They told me they already knew about the leak... from the sewage line. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2017 05:00

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

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By Thanksalot - 30/11/2013 05:58 - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - 20/3/2011 23:29 - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By skiittlez713 - 20/5/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 20:00

Head, meet wall

Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2012 05:15 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

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By conchita - 10/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

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By Spraylady - 29/2/2016 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

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Top comments

By blondie1208 | 17

#3107539 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:56

spiders. gotta hate those little bitches

By glutgyoogle | 6

#3107610 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:09

I hate when the spider wins....

COMMENTS

By blondie1208 | 17

#3107539 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:56

spiders. gotta hate those little bitches

Reply

Blueglasscup | 18

#3107564 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:00

Shit what about Tarantulas?! Those fucking dicks are gigantic! -shivers in fear-

Reply

Pixxio_O | 11

#3108071 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:07

This is a continued fml from when op came home to discover that his house had been destroyed on minecraft...

Reply

Jaimegirl | 7

#3108121 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:28

Today, I was holding a knife in my right hand, all the sudden my left arm started to itch, I forgot I had a knife. FML

Reply

eshhayz | 0

#3108454 - Sunday 14 August 2011 19:28

maybe try anti-perspirant repellent ?

Reply

muzzr11 | 4

#3108551 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:03

It's funny how so many people are completely oblivious to how retarded they are haha

Reply

andy_l | 14

#3108720 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:56

Moral of the story: don't have fucking cactuses in the house.

Reply

androiddestroya | 7

#3110399 - Monday 15 August 2011 4:43

ugh... arachnaphobia

Reply

ilikesupras | 0

#3124860 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 9:52

you're hot.

By HarryMcC | 1

#3107546 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:57

I can say I know your pain hope it wasn't a big cactus.

Reply

BeastMode5 | 0

#3107566 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:01

Go back and read the FML honey. -.-

Reply

fruitschinpo | 0

#3107595 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:07

lol. it clearly stats LARGE cactus. what are you !? blind !?

Reply

fruitschinpo | 0

#3107606 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:09

states* ^^^^

Reply

HarryMcC | 1

#3107618 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:10

Sorry, I apologise =)

Reply

fruitschinpo | 0

#3107665 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:19

worries man =D

Reply

flagg1888 | 3

#3107692 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:26

actually it was a piece of a large cactus, so the size is not defined

Reply

sxe_beast | 11

#3108482 - Sunday 14 August 2011 19:39

"I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus."

...I was taking out a LARGE CACTUS. That's indicative of the cactus itself being large.

Reply

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3109264 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:40

45, it says after that 'as I wa throwing the pieces away' Dont need to be a jackass.

By Autosaver | 15

#3107556 - Sunday 14 August 2011 15:58

Ouch! Hope you feel better. Spiders can be a pain in the butt sometimes. :|

Reply

Zareen | 0

#3773725 - Friday 23 December 2011 2:13

Like always...

Reply

Zareen | 0

#3786550 - Sunday 25 December 2011 16:18

Always be a pain in the butt...spiders...

By glutgyoogle | 6

#3107610 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:09

I hate when the spider wins....

Reply

CDABXXX | 5

#3112941 - Monday 15 August 2011 14:13

You must hate Spiderman.

By bawlerr75 | 9

#3107615 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:10

Well y would you even do that lmfao aha:D that made my day aha

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3109273 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:42

Aha me too aha

Reply

bawlerr75 | 9

#3109951 - Monday 15 August 2011 2:48

It was funny who does that lol but have slammed my hand on the car door while entering the doctors office lol but at least I was already at the doctors office.lol so I probably shouldn't be talking. Aha

By ImmaB3AST | 7

#3107625 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:12

Spider-1, Dumb person trying to beat it with a cactus-0.

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#3108700 - Sunday 14 August 2011 20:51

Beat it with a cactus . . . maybe that's how the other guy scabbed his penis

Reply

ImmaB3AST | 7

#3109182 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:01

Jerking too hard with a cactus? That's more than a scab.

Reply

bawlerr75 | 9

#3109206 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:10

Omg yuu have such an amazing smile :)

By MangoRico1 | 1

#3107627 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:12

Ninja spider... Better sleep with one eye open now...

By NomOnShroomz | 14

#3107639 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:14

So you ripped off a piece of the cactus and tried (and failed) to hit the spider with it?

Reply

ImmaB3AST | 7

#3107719 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:32

It says she was picking up prices to throw away.

Reply

seeunexttuesdays | 6

#3108100 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:19

Pieces* xD

Reply

ImmaB3AST | 7

#3108150 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:35

I said that but for some reason it went to a completely different comment. (the one of the guy who moderated this). And I was just like... Fuck it.

By dstivers | 0

#3107641 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:14

They make items for situations like these. I believe they're called fly swatters. You should look into getting one.

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#3107645 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:15

I believe those are for flies.

Reply

carlieee1 | 8

#3107728 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:34

15- I'm pretty sure you can use them for whatever the fuck you want.

Reply

carlieee1 | 8

#3107731 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:34

15- I'm pretty sure you can use them for whatever the fuck you want.

Reply

meatwad63 | 0

#3107921 - Sunday 14 August 2011 17:21

Yes as I also carry a flie swatter everywhere I go -.- please don't be stupid.

Reply

jellitonoctopus | 19

#3108110 - Sunday 14 August 2011 18:21

fly*

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#3109275 - Monday 15 August 2011 0:43

Who kills a spider with a fly swatter? -__-

Reply

1vdog | 0

#3110532 - Monday 15 August 2011 5:54

Butt scratcher?

By acquiesce | 6

#3107646 - Sunday 14 August 2011 16:16

Ouch.