By Thescarlettfox - 16/2/2020 01:00

Monster in my bathroom

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Nice neighborhood

Who's a good boy?

By InPain - 17/10/2019 16:00

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By womboman - 30/7/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, it started pouring while I was in the middle of a pizza delivery. I had to stand out in the rain for ten minutes while an old redneck dude wearing nothing but camo boxers fumbled around for the exact change to pay the bill. I think seeing his junk was supposed to count as my tip. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2012 07:00 - United States

Today, I had an hour long meeting with my manager where she informed me the reason I had not been promoted is because she felt that people would not like to work for me, because I would, "make them do their job." FML

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By oheyimsarahh - 16/2/2011 15:30 - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

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By The Last One - 11/3/2012 06:39 - Canada

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

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By Poopie - 29/1/2011 06:06 - Canada

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 22:59 - United States - Dallas

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

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By mynameislor - 9/2/2010 14:26 - Canada

Today, my mum was saying she needs to gain weight because she was underweight according to her doctor. She then said she's going to eat like me in order to gain more weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

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By AntiAxe - 29/11/2010 06:23

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By drixxy - 29/8/2012 15:01 - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - 24/6/2016 14:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, I decided to lay out topless in my fenced-in backyard. For about an hour, everything was going great until I sneezed and my creepy, middle-aged neighbor said "bless you". From my bushes. FML

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By Naked and Afraid - 17/8/2018 23:00 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

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By Username - 20/7/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

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By coolguy - 6/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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By Julian - 22/12/2008 07:45 - France

Today, my girlfriend complained that I don't kiss her often enough. The problem is her breath. It's disgusting. I gently answer: 'Well, you don't kiss me often either!". So now she keeps kissing me. FML

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By Noname - 7/2/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By NotAThief - 14/8/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 21:43 - France

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, add her new boyfriend to her friends and changed her status to "I'm so happy". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 21:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 00:36 - United States - Panama City

Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2013 15:03 - United States - Houston

Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

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By Not That Old - 28/7/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

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By Loveless - 23/8/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

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By bitchimgay - 22/7/2012 16:48 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I went to my local coffee shop. I soon witnessed the girl making my drink apparently dislodge a wedgie from her ass-crack and then sneeze into her hands. When I confronted her, she loudly accused me of "visually molesting" her. FML

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By TheyObjectToTheUnholyUnion - 29/1/2016 12:51 - United States - Rochester

Today, I received yet another letter from a relative bitching me out for not involving my parents in my wedding. The parents who showed no interest in our relationship and then yelled at my fiancé and me when we announced it to them, calling us stupid, naive, heathens, and mentally ill. FML

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By not even - 21/7/2016 11:20 - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

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By silvercity09 - 26/5/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

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By sly - 25/10/2010 22:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to come over and surprise me. When he got to my apartment and heard the shower running, he decided get in and join me. I was walking my dog, my mother is in town for the weekend. FML

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By Shantwozzlah - 26/3/2012 16:15 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me by maniacally zooming in and out of traffic while we were on his motorcycle. His mood turned to anger when I nervously admitted to having voided my bowels. FML

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By sup - 1/7/2019 20:00 - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2014 04:04 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML

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By sadkid - 25/9/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

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By unhappystudent - 14/12/2016 12:32 - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, after a long night of studying, my roommate and her friends decided it would be fun to throw a mini party in my room at 7am. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By Iwtumn - 30/4/2015 18:15 - Austria - Deutschlandsberg

Today, a guy asked me for my number. Now I deeply regret giving it to him, because he won't stop sending me Bible quotes and pictures of Jesus. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2015 07:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

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Top comments

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7882918 - Sunday 16 February 2020 2:03

Clean the bathroom you filthy animal...

By jc1015 | 21

#7882924 - Sunday 16 February 2020 3:33

stop trying to get your broom to stand up on its own and use it to sweep.

Comments

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7882918 - Sunday 16 February 2020 2:03

Clean the bathroom you filthy animal...

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7882921 - Sunday 16 February 2020 2:30

and have a happy New year.

By jc1015 | 21

#7882924 - Sunday 16 February 2020 3:33

stop trying to get your broom to stand up on its own and use it to sweep.

By Kraths | 8

#7882927 - Sunday 16 February 2020 4:39

Tuft enough

By tabby cat tidbit | 5

#7882935 - Sunday 16 February 2020 6:37

spiders are awesome, grow a pair.

By alycion | 38

#7882974 - Sunday 16 February 2020 11:06

Hair spiders are scarier than real sometimes. You start looking for bald spots if they are that big.

By KittenShitz | 10

#7883121 - Monday 17 February 2020 2:42

I was excited at big and black I’m the same sentence. You let me down