By Thescarlettfox

Monster in my bathroom

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

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There's no helping some people

Stress level: 2020

Thanks Felicia

By embaressed - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

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By Wrongtoilet - Singapore

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend because he's been working extra hard these last two months. I went to his house only to find him in bed with another girl. Standing there, with fifteen roses in my hands, all he could say was, "Thank you, can you put them in a vase?" FML

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By BlazefireSaber - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By Christina - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

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By jodibut - United States

Today, I put my boyfriend's t-shirt on and took sexy pictures with nothing else but panties. I then sent him the pictures. His reply was, "Can you wash that when you're done?" FML

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By jerk_ex_boyfriend - United States - Narberth

Today, I overheard my boyfriend talking to his mom about me. It sounded like they were planning something for me, like a marriage. They were planning how to break up with me. FML

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By earths_venus - Australia

Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

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By Immafail

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made the discovery that I'm in a true love triangle; both of my girlfriends are dating one another. FML

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By coolkid111 - United States

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

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By Bill Harrison - United States

Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML

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By Headless - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML

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By desocrates - United States

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

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By randomguy - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

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By Detroitman125

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By Mike Messenger - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

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By romedizzle - Canada

Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML

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By failallday - Australia - Brisbane

Today, one of my customer's pipes were blocked. As I went to unblock it, about a handful of used condoms collided with my face. I don't know if I should be disgusted by this or disgusted by my customer. FML

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By DuCkBuBbLeS - United States

Today, I returned from a half-month long trip to China with a group of friends. After throwing myself into my mother's arms and bursting into tears, she stops me to say 'Listen...these last couple of weeks have been some of the best I've ever had. Can we try to keep it like that?' FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML

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By Backinzi - United States

Today, my 17 pound cat fell from a counter. It wouldn't have been a big deal if he didn't try to use my leg as a tree to cling onto on the way down. FML

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By ohforchristssake - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 02:02

Hurry up!

Today, my wife told me not to rush her during packing for our upcoming move. She's lived in the house for 30 years and apparently needs to reminisce over every single item. FML

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By 2nd best - 6/11/2020 11:01 - United States

Who the fuck asked you?

Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML

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By fax4voice3 - 3/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Greenwich

The climate is whack

Today, it was an unusually warm day after many weeks of typical subfreezing temperatures, so my family and I went for a walk in the park. We all came back with mosquito bites. FML

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By anthony512 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after a sleepless night, I fell asleep at my work desk. When I awoke, I found my co-workers had duct taped me to my chair. I was yelling at them to untape me, when our boss came in, scolded me for fucking about on the job, and left without saying a word to my colleagues. FML

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By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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By PanFace - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved out and took all his things with him. He also took some things that didn't belong to him, namely my rent money. My landlord comes tomorrow. FML

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By Sigh - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mother what I thought about religion. I've been raised catholic. I told her I was converting to Wicca, to which she sort of nodded and walked away. I went into my room to study with my earbuds in, music loud. I walked out to see a cross nailed above my door. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

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By DontBeRude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

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By thankful

Today, I was tripped downstairs as a "joke" by my little brother. When I was yelling in pain from my broken arm, my mom was lecturing me to be thankful "one goddamn day a year". She also thinks I'm lying just to hide that I'm clumsy and my brother is innocent. He won't admit it. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

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By Scorned Employee - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

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By shook - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

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By not anymore - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

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By number2 - United States

Today, my friends and I were walking past a bar. There were a few cute guys "rating" every girl that walked by with number cards. My friend, who is a guy, got an 8. I got a 2. FML

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Top comments

By rotflqtms_ | 19

#7882918 - Sunday 16 February 2020 2:03

Clean the bathroom you filthy animal...

By jc1015 | 23

#7882924 - Sunday 16 February 2020 3:33

stop trying to get your broom to stand up on its own and use it to sweep.

COMMENTS

By rotflqtms_ | 19

#7882918 - Sunday 16 February 2020 2:03

Clean the bathroom you filthy animal...

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7882921 - Sunday 16 February 2020 2:30

and have a happy New year.

By jc1015 | 23

#7882924 - Sunday 16 February 2020 3:33

stop trying to get your broom to stand up on its own and use it to sweep.

By Kraths | 16

#7882927 - Sunday 16 February 2020 4:39

Tuft enough

By alycion | 38

#7882974 - Sunday 16 February 2020 11:06

Hair spiders are scarier than real sometimes. You start looking for bald spots if they are that big.

By KittenShitz | 12

#7883121 - Monday 17 February 2020 2:42

I was excited at big and black I’m the same sentence. You let me down