Intimacy: Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed:... - FML

By crazystuff23 - United States

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

I agree, your life sucks

81558

You deserved it

5811

Tweet

Share

Walk on the wild side

Who's a good boy?

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 23:06 - United States - Hesperia

First Dates

Today, a guy took me on a date to McDonald’s. I smiled, but told him politely that I don’t eat fast food. He called me a stuck-up snob and a high maintenance gold digger who didn’t deserve him. I’m neither. I have IBS and greasy food sets me off. I had to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1209

You deserved it

121

Tweet

Share

By Foster_Em - United States

Today, I was coming home from a date, I saw my ex standing in my drive-way. He had dumped me 2 months ago saying he couldn't talk me. To make him jealous, I made out with my new guy before greeting him. Turns out he couldn't talk to me because he had had cancer and had been afraid to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20187

You deserved it

79105

Tweet

Share

By fired - Australia

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33787

You deserved it

2654

Tweet

Share

By fml_seriouslyfml - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27526

You deserved it

43310

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54833

You deserved it

11386

Tweet

Share

By Taraa3 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25064

You deserved it

5013

Tweet

Share

By thechimpchapter - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31358

You deserved it

7143

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/1/2020 03:00

So painful

Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2398

You deserved it

384

Tweet

Share

By wetandpantsless - United States

Today, I got invited to a big upperclassmen party that underclassmen don't normally get invited to. I was feeling really good when I got there and saw that the girl I'm in love with was there. They stole my pants and gave me a swirly. Her reaction was to post pictures on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38444

You deserved it

6079

Tweet

Share

By Rainman - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46732

You deserved it

14264

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29148

You deserved it

2914

Tweet

Share

By hard worker

Today, I gave my boss 2 weeks notice for me leaving work, as I had received a better job offer with twice the pay. I thought he took it well until I heard him mutter under his breath, "About fucking time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16202

You deserved it

1598

Tweet

Share

By freshman - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10140

You deserved it

59966

Tweet

Share

By yes i meant ex-boyfriend - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56276

You deserved it

5708

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31844

You deserved it

17247

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1258

You deserved it

76

Tweet

Share

By OfficeFatty - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks

35645

You deserved it

4953

Tweet

Share

By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44973

You deserved it

4477

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40250

You deserved it

5470

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my father described me as "the sort of sucker women marry then cheat on all the time." My mother agreed with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38154

You deserved it

3592

Tweet

Share

By doggybag - Canada

Today, I was walking my dogs. I had a doggy bag, and was holding it closed, then breathing in it, so it would blow up. My dogs 'went', so I picked it up and kept walking. As I was heading home, I absent-mindedly started blowing into the bag again. Everything ended up in my mouth and on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12744

You deserved it

80743

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5952

You deserved it

614

Tweet

Share

By Sabre

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5041

You deserved it

284

Tweet

Share

By heartsick - United States - Davenport

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24541

You deserved it

3018

Tweet

Share

By Anonyme - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, on a train, I nearly choked while sleeping with my mouth wide open. The little old lady sitting opposite me was entertaining herself by throwing little pieces of balled-up tin foil into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47880

You deserved it

7730

Tweet

Share

By anyoi - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29205

You deserved it

3414

Tweet

Share

By sadass - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that my feet smell. He was in the next room at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20890

You deserved it

8268

Tweet

Share

By LeaveHimAlone - United States - Elkridge

Today, I have to take time off from work to take part in an intervention because my sister's obsession with the guy from Harry Potter has crossed over into illegality. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43399

You deserved it

3444

Tweet

Share

By noname1025 - United States - Lamar

Today, I realized my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately, so to show him how much I care, I got a tattoo with his name on it. He hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8578

You deserved it

53932

Tweet

Share

By Scott - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37184

You deserved it

6372

Tweet

Share

By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9400

You deserved it

35373

Tweet

Share

By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39857

You deserved it

8819

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33346

You deserved it

3339

Tweet

Share

By DirtyCharmed - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38585

You deserved it

2617

Tweet

Share

By not getting laid - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was hitting on a girl, and I was sure I could get her to sleep with me. When she finally gave in and was putting her number into my phone, she called my mom and asked her if she raised me to "sexually harass women." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24027

You deserved it

90586

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 05:02

#1 Dad of the day

Today, according to my husband, our son is at the difficult age where he can finally speak fluent English, but is still too childishly dumb to say anything interesting, intelligent or frankly worth listening to at all. There are times I wish I was a divorced single mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1163

You deserved it

391

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27398

You deserved it

6894

Tweet

Share

By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33889

You deserved it

4201

Tweet

Share

By Bengemon825 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24600

You deserved it

4129

Tweet

Share

By Alex - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my mom's funeral. My sisters and I were sitting in the front row. The funeral director, whom we had met with twice before, was going around greeting everyone. When she got to us, she asked where our mom was. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks

62737

You deserved it

3397

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By leandra12 | 0

#251345 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:02

That's why you shouldn't be facebook friends with your parents.

By bluedoll | 1

#251350 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:03

That is why there are certain people in my life I refuse to be friends with on Facebook. But hey, finding out your parents like it in the A.M isn't as bad as it could be. They could be fans of "Sex on other people's bed" or something. How do you think you got here? Magic?

COMMENTS

By cherrytwiz | 0

#251342 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:02

O.o
fyl

Reply

Me_Muahahaha | 0

#339010 - Thursday 25 June 2009 7:37

Not onnly do you have u rents on facebook but u think this is fml worthy wow... fail.

By schadenfreudeFTW | 0

#251343 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:02

LOL!
glad my parents are divorced :]

Reply

xXCODGODXx | 11

#2965790 - Sunday 24 July 2011 19:00

u shouldnt be glad about that

Reply

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3545848 - Saturday 5 November 2011 17:13

Yeah, them having sex and loving eachother is a lot better than them being divorced and hating eachother.

By leandra12 | 0

#251345 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:02

That's why you shouldn't be facebook friends with your parents.

By hscx1017 | 0

#251347 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:03

HAHAHAH

By davidomke | 0

#251348 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:03

ROFL!

By bluedoll | 1

#251350 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:03

That is why there are certain people in my life I refuse to be friends with on Facebook. But hey, finding out your parents like it in the A.M isn't as bad as it could be. They could be fans of "Sex on other people's bed" or something. How do you think you got here? Magic?

By Glam_fml | 0

#251352 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:04

Eh, parents need lovin' too. Sure, children don't want to hear about it, but it's not really a FML. At least you know your parents still love each other!

By Praesse | 0

#251353 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:04

Oh, poor you. Parents should always remember how horrible it was to know this kind of stuff about their own parents.
Anyway, you should know better than having your parents on facebook.

By OmgItsAnaBeatriz | 0

#251354 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:05

Well, At Least Your Parents Love Each Other :D

Reply

ronton | 4

#1275185 - Friday 20 August 2010 13:20

Unless it's morning sex with other people.. haha!

By Turnip_Girl | 0

#251358 - Monday 1 June 2009 20:05

Is that before or after your mother makes your breakfast?