Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had... - FML

By baron - 01/06/2009 17:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 427

You deserved it 7 544

Our house, in the middle of our street

Own it

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 14/08/2019 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 474

You deserved it 122

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 01:55 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 852

You deserved it 1 989

By kwill256 - 15/09/2016 10:21 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my partner, which resulted in us breaking up and me leaving. I drove for half an hour before I realised I had left my handbag, purse and licence at his place. I had to go ask for it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 217

You deserved it 3 012

It's not permanent

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 02:02

Today, I have really big insecurities, and the ONLY thing I like about myself is my hair. I got it permed yesterday, and just now I used shampoo on it, and my hair is falling out. All 12” of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 302

By shitttyyyday - 14/01/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 758

You deserved it 4 359

By Girl - 17/03/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 605

You deserved it 5 113

Keep your distance

By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 65

By GirlishMan1883897 - 24/07/2010 10:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 076

You deserved it 74 625

By Madi - 30/11/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 625

You deserved it 3 590

By CouldBeALoser - 17/09/2016 18:26 - United States - West Tehama County

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 873

You deserved it 1 065

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 254

You deserved it 8 687

By Anonymous - 18/09/2013 21:47 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 670

You deserved it 4 815

Make the most of it

By Godmish - 02/01/2009 05:37 - France

Spicy

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend, saying, "Do you remember the last time we slept together?" I replied straight away, "Of course, it was great!" To which she replies, "I hope you made the most of it, because it was the last time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 209

You deserved it 2 681

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 965

You deserved it 47 129

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 518

You deserved it 2 403

By Anonymous - 27/08/2014 03:19 - United States - Topeka

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 090

You deserved it 46 927

By smoker - 26/01/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 442

You deserved it 30 306

By OMFG I LOVE MLP - 24/08/2012 21:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, my friends set me up on a blind date. I thought it went well, and while saying our goodbyes, I leaned in to give her a kiss. She pulled way, laughed, "I'm not drunk enough for that," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 851

You deserved it 3 769

By Unhappymothersday - 17/05/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 456

You deserved it 2 151

By Anonymous - 03/02/2012 22:49 - United States

Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 983

You deserved it 8 799

School's out

By Madilyne13 - 28/07/2021 07:59 - United States - Groveport

Today, I realized that I'm not cut out for school when I flunked out… in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 592

You deserved it 107

By Anonymous - 27/08/2012 18:20 - United States - Burlington

Today, I'm apparently so desperate for companionship that my body has subconsciously synced my period with the girl who works in the cubicle adjacent to mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 330

You deserved it 2 941

By RinoaHeartilly - 28/11/2018 03:00

Today, like every day she works, my roommate once again put on a ton on perfume before work because she doesn't shower. She's gone, but this smell will be here for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 501

You deserved it 239

By Elayne Warthen - 25/04/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 173

You deserved it 519

By Anonymous Cunt - 24/11/2012 19:38 - Netherlands - Blaricum

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 948

You deserved it 17 577

Who'd want that?

By ... - 14/04/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 990

You deserved it 179

By Bex - 15/03/2016 07:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 416

You deserved it 1 499

By Muscle - 06/03/2009 21:07 - Canada

Today, I flew home early from a two month trip to Europe to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. When I got to his house with a home baked cake from scratch and a quilt with slik-screened pictures from my trip, his roommate answered the door and said "Oh sorry, he's out with his girlfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 940

You deserved it 3 940

By vicgal - 14/08/2009 18:33 - Canada

Spicy

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 905

You deserved it 10 649

By hot_mess88 - 04/07/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 011

You deserved it 2 570

By lsta - 04/05/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 965

You deserved it 4 410

By chieftain - 09/05/2012 19:34 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 184

You deserved it 5 661

By ShitStirringSon - 15/08/2013 02:02 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 024

You deserved it 7 241

By anonymous - 25/01/2016 14:09 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 002

You deserved it 2 026

By notyourcleaner - 13/01/2015 11:06 - Malaysia - Puchong

Spicy

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 026

You deserved it 2 669

By xswitch74 - 16/03/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 488

You deserved it 4 198

By anonymouss - 24/05/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I collided heads at a soccer game and needed 13 stitches in my head. I texted all my contacts to let them know I was in the hospital. I got back one response that said "bitch got what you deserve" it was from my cousin. No one else ever texted me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 463

You deserved it 26 329

By Tickettoride - 04/05/2013 10:24 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 971

You deserved it 16 232

By IB6UB9 - 28/11/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 063

You deserved it 6 950

By annony-moose - 06/02/2010 18:48 - France

Today, I was feeling hungry, so I went to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal. I found hundreds of weevils festering in my Lucky Charms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 816

You deserved it 4 276

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 0:01

She's telling you because you are the "sweet" guy who will now take care of her and her bastard. She puts out for tools but she'll let you get a taste now because of this accident. "You're such a sweet caring guy. I'm glad I have you around. I'll never be that stupid again." I'd say run, but chances are, if you are that guy you'll just be the sucker. Then, when you are watching the kid, she'll be letting another tool tap that.

Comments

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

omg.... thats sucks... whose the daddy?

Lx416 0

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Thursday 24 June 2010 18:58

Damn datsphucked sorry bud. -Ł

Lx416 0

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Thursday 24 June 2010 18:59

Wait, does her name happen to be Precious...? LMAO because that happend to a person I know -Ł

kofinater 3

Monday 20 September 2010 2:28

Idk, about a daddy, this sounds like Jesus's story to me :D

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Friday 13 June 2014 21:00

man are you so lucky! dump that cheating bitch!

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

Then theres no need for DNA tests

kiki123_55555 0

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Thursday 18 March 2010 1:29

#2. yeah. save some cash

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

The art of betrayal. :)

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

flockz 19

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Thursday 17 November 2011 3:38

apples?

the_enigma1019 1

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Friday 23 November 2012 18:35

Aardvarks?

coolsunshinebear 14

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Sunday 10 March 2013 19:36

they're not married

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Monday 8 December 2014 0:39

Aflac?

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 7 November 2011 23:07

Thanks captain obvious

XanderScythe 11

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:01

Your name should be Dull*

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Friday 27 July 2012 7:14

NOOOOO

Old unused 13

Thursday 28 March 2013 6:42

Thank you for enlightening us.

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

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Monday 19 December 2011 21:57

you're*

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

At least you don't have to worry about it being yours or not! :)

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

#5 your quick wit amazes me. i think i love you.

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

Time to find a new girlfriend.

jm88 0

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Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

#4, why be involved with a "shmashmorshion" with that ho? Drop herrrrrrrrrr

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 504

You deserved it 98

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 768