Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had... - FML

By baron - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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Understandable

Dicks aplenty!

Phantom pooper

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

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By maddy - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By thankssiren - United Kingdom - Sandiacre

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

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By Kali

Say it ain't so, please

Today, I went to go meet my boyfriend at a restaurant to tell him it just wasn't working out. Before I could do so, he proposed. I had to tell him no, so he started to cry and ran out. Everyone looked at me like some kind of monster. FML

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By allwaysbuggedinheaven - United States

Today, I returned home to find out that my new and very expensive computer had overheated. I confronted my mom, and she told me that she had covered up the fan because she didn't like the noise. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

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By espylone - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

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By stupidpolicia - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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By Jessi - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I finally got to see my boyfriend, after two months apart. As we hugged, he lifted me up and spun me around like in the movies. It would have been really romantic if I hadn't hit a little boy while he was riding past on his bike. I've just traumatized a little kid. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself, I got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying "your cat is fat". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 04:18 - United Kingdom

Issues

Today, my boyfriend told me I’m clearly turning into my mother. I turned round to have a go at him when I stopped, thought about it, and realised he’s completely right. I’m just like her. Now I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I want booze, a relaxing bath or a really long, ugly crying session. FML

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By iams

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

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By bm128902 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was going around saying that she tries to give time off to the other managers so they can spend time with their family and significant others. She looked at me and said she doesn't for me because I have no one special to spend time with. FML

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By hhaghigh - 14/3/2020 00:08 - United States

Blending Nemo

Today, I was draining the water from my fishbowl out into the kitchen sink. The fish was still in it and decided to go with the flow, literally, right into the garburator. I was too scared to stick my hand down there to save it; instead I panicked and turned the garburator on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By buddy - United States

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

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By killmenow - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I actually slipped on a banana peel, cartoon-style, breaking my kneecap and dislocating my hip. I will never hear the end of this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I found out my roommate Skypes my friends on my laptop when I'm away. Not only that, he covers his face and shows them his junk. My friends no longer answer Skype calls from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous

Power move

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 03:00

Error!

Today, I called my cell phone tech support to help with my Samsung device. They sent me contact info for Apple support. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

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By jdawn99 - United States - Arkansas City

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

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By 3lavyaa - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

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By dukemisery - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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By notgoodenough - United States

Today, we were going around the table, telling everyone what we were thankful for. My girlfriend said she was thankful for her vibrator, because I can't please her like it can. My family thought this was funny. FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, I finally summed up the courage to break up with my abusively controlling girlfriend. I don't know what I was thinking, but instead of leaving as a free man, I left as an engaged one. FML

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By anon

Roll with it

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

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By CatLady

Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML

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By walllflower - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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Top comments

By ilovefmlife | 0

#251955 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

By RiverRelic | 0

#251987 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 0:01

She's telling you because you are the "sweet" guy who will now take care of her and her bastard. She puts out for tools but she'll let you get a taste now because of this accident. "You're such a sweet caring guy. I'm glad I have you around. I'll never be that stupid again." I'd say run, but chances are, if you are that guy you'll just be the sucker. Then, when you are watching the kid, she'll be letting another tool tap that.

COMMENTS

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#251923 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

omg.... thats sucks...
whose the daddy?

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1041691 - Thursday 24 June 2010 18:58

Damn datsphucked sorry bud.

-Ł

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1041692 - Thursday 24 June 2010 18:59

Wait, does her name happen to be Precious...? LMAO because that happend to a person I know

-Ł

Reply

kofinater | 3

#1428793 - Monday 20 September 2010 2:28

Idk, about a daddy, this sounds like Jesus's story to me :D

Reply

sonasonic | 34

#5974412 - Friday 13 June 2014 21:00

man are you so lucky! dump that cheating bitch!

By Niahbby | 0

#251926 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

Then theres no need for DNA tests

Reply

kiki123_55555 | 0

#960155 - Thursday 18 March 2010 1:29

#2. yeah. save some cash

By Burner2K0 | 0

#251929 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

The art of betrayal. :)

By HeyitsPheddy | 0

#251937 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

flockz | 19

#3595911 - Thursday 17 November 2011 3:38

apples?

Reply

the_enigma1019 | 1

#5178109 - Friday 23 November 2012 18:35

Aardvarks?

Reply

coolsunshinebear | 14

#5399808 - Sunday 10 March 2013 19:36

they're not married

Reply

PSYqualiac | 17

#6138264 - Monday 8 December 2014 0:39

Aflac?

By null_fml | 11

#251943 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

crandall | 0

#3555720 - Monday 7 November 2011 23:07

Thanks captain obvious

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4251837 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:01

Your name should be Dull*

Reply

Ted10003 | 3

#4738577 - Friday 27 July 2012 7:14

NOOOOO

Reply

ArcheryCole99 | 12

#5424255 - Thursday 28 March 2013 6:42

Thank you for enlightening us.

By ilovefmlife | 0

#251955 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

Reply

ImSoSloth | 0

#3757334 - Monday 19 December 2011 21:57

you're*

By calicokitea | 0

#251972 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

At least you don't have to worry about it being yours or not! :)

By penizulaface | 0

#251974 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

#5

your quick wit amazes me.
i think i love you.

By Luckster | 0

#251977 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

Time to find a new girlfriend.

By jm88 | 0

#251980 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

#4, why be involved with a "shmashmorshion" with that ho? Drop herrrrrrrrrr