Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had... - FML

By baron - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By SetoAyumi - United States

Today, a neighbor came by while I was cooking. She asked for some of my cheese, so I gave her a big slice and told her I only had cheddar. She angrily refused to accept the slice, and made her way to my fridge. She then yelled at me for not having an assortment of cheeses. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to the airport with my mom, who requested a wheelchair for me, since I have a broken leg. I'm 24. Embarrassed, I insisted I push myself around, instead of an airline assistant doing it. A few seconds later, I crash into the same airline assistant, who then falls back into my lap. FML

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By bittersweet - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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By saywhat - United States - Yakima

Today, I refused to go down on my boyfriend of 9 months. He then shoved me off the couch and, half crying, yelled that I was the third girl this week to turn him down. After sobbing for a bit, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I need you to do this so I can prove my manhood." FML

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By oh ffs - United States

Today, I met with my Bolivian friend, who's vacationing here for a few weeks. Eager to show him how welcoming we are in the USA, I took him home and introduced him to my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Bolivia? That's in Europe, right? We saved your asses in World War 2." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Cupertino

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

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By oops - Australia - Newtown

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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By moron - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my hair straightener. The good news is I caught it. The bad news is I caught it by the iron itself. FML

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By Mandoune - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

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By yes, yes it does :( - United States

Today, I was waiting on a Canadian tourist at work, and he bought some of the most expensive stuff on the menu. I was excited about maybe getting a big tip, so I casually said that in the USA, waiters make most of our money off tips. The guy just snorted, "Sucks to be American, eh?!" and left. FML

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By - United States - Salem

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

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By me

Today, I thought it would be funny to hide behind the ice machine at work and jump out randomly and scare people. This resulted in my first victim whacking me in the head with a skateboard. FML

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By dumbass stereotypes

The Gordon Ramsey of Racism

Today, I was chatting with a guy on a dating site. He accused me of being a liar and trying to catfish him after I told him I like my steak medium-rare. According to him, that can’t possibly be true because black people only eat their steaks well done. No exceptions. What an idiot. FML

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By Sloppy Cashmere - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By Derek

Today, I found out that my kids are both my half-brothers, and the fertility tests my wife had us do a few years ago showed that I'm sterile. She didn't tell me until I found the test results in her desk and asked her about it. FML

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By Gears

Close shave

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By DD - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML

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By ellie - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

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By Not Jewish - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

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By replik - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

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By awkwardgayboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was flirting with a really hot guy at a track meet and I gave him my number. When I asked him what school he went to he replied, "Oh, I don't go to school, We're from the juvenile corrections facility." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

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By abigiggles

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

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By ThatOneGuy

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend, who's already made two threats against my life, informed me that she now has a concealed carry permit. FML

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By The_Waffle - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

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By penny-dropping - United States

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

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By muffin - Austria

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

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By areyouserious - United States

Today, I caught myself yelling at the girl in the porn I was watching for looking at the camera every other second. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

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By Dutchee - Netherlands

Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML

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By Charles Booth - 9/4/2021 14:00 - United States

Kids will be kids

Today, my 14 year-old got a 5-day suspension for fighting. He stood up for an 7th grader who was getting picked on. While the poor kid was eating lunch, they were messing with him when my son stepped in. There were some words said, then a fight. He feels terrible for fighting but I think he was in the right. FML

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Top comments

By ilovefmlife | 0

#251955 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

By RiverRelic | 0

#251987 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 0:01

She's telling you because you are the "sweet" guy who will now take care of her and her bastard. She puts out for tools but she'll let you get a taste now because of this accident. "You're such a sweet caring guy. I'm glad I have you around. I'll never be that stupid again." I'd say run, but chances are, if you are that guy you'll just be the sucker. Then, when you are watching the kid, she'll be letting another tool tap that.

COMMENTS

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#251923 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

omg.... thats sucks...
whose the daddy?

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1041691 - Thursday 24 June 2010 18:58

Damn datsphucked sorry bud.

-Ł

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1041692 - Thursday 24 June 2010 18:59

Wait, does her name happen to be Precious...? LMAO because that happend to a person I know

-Ł

Reply

kofinater | 3

#1428793 - Monday 20 September 2010 2:28

Idk, about a daddy, this sounds like Jesus's story to me :D

Reply

sonasonic | 34

#5974412 - Friday 13 June 2014 21:00

man are you so lucky! dump that cheating bitch!

By Niahbby | 0

#251926 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

Then theres no need for DNA tests

Reply

kiki123_55555 | 0

#960155 - Thursday 18 March 2010 1:29

#2. yeah. save some cash

By Burner2K0 | 0

#251929 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

The art of betrayal. :)

By HeyitsPheddy | 0

#251937 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

flockz | 19

#3595911 - Thursday 17 November 2011 3:38

apples?

Reply

the_enigma1019 | 1

#5178109 - Friday 23 November 2012 18:35

Aardvarks?

Reply

coolsunshinebear | 14

#5399808 - Sunday 10 March 2013 19:36

they're not married

Reply

PSYqualiac | 17

#6138264 - Monday 8 December 2014 0:39

Aflac?

By null_fml | 11

#251943 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

crandall | 0

#3555720 - Monday 7 November 2011 23:07

Thanks captain obvious

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4251837 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:01

Your name should be Dull*

Reply

Ted10003 | 3

#4738577 - Friday 27 July 2012 7:14

NOOOOO

Reply

ArcheryCole99 | 12

#5424255 - Thursday 28 March 2013 6:42

Thank you for enlightening us.

By ilovefmlife | 0

#251955 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

Reply

ImSoSloth | 0

#3757334 - Monday 19 December 2011 21:57

you're*

By calicokitea | 0

#251972 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

At least you don't have to worry about it being yours or not! :)

By penizulaface | 0

#251974 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

#5

your quick wit amazes me.
i think i love you.

By Luckster | 0

#251977 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

Time to find a new girlfriend.

By jm88 | 0

#251980 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

#4, why be involved with a "shmashmorshion" with that ho? Drop herrrrrrrrrr