Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had... - FML

By baron - 1/6/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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Instadrama

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Ghosted

By Silentshdw13 - 14/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By liz - 21/5/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

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By flustered - 28/7/2009 22:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit. FML

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By Robyn_mori - 31/1/2020 05:00 - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

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By :/ - 12/3/2016 11:36 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I talked to my high school sweetheart after 12 years. He confessed that he's been single ever since we broke up, never got over me, and that to this day he loves me dearly. I'm a married mother of two. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By itchtoscratch - 4/7/2016 04:14

Today, I get more pleasure out of scratching my balls than I do out of any sexual activity with my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 12:11 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend told me that if he was to break up with me, he would do it in a crowded location so I couldn't start to cry or make a scene. FML

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By IEatDammit - 30/1/2009 03:26 - Canada

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

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By ledentist - 12/9/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

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By yikes - 2/3/2013 15:32 - United States

Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML

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By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Buffalo

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

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By notyourmummy - 12/11/2015 09:09 - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

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By bill219 - 7/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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By Beestings - 24/3/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

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By j0natron - 3/2/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was taking the elevator down with a group of people. It stopped on the 2nd floor and I said "What asshole can't take the steps from the 2nd floor?" Then a kid in a wheelchair got on. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

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By feeling dusty - 11/3/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

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By Crashed - 1/1/2014 18:21 - United States - Evans

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. My wife got pissed when I didn't immediately check on her, but rather the other driver. That other driver was my daughter. FML

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By shyshy96679 - 20/6/2011 22:42 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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By AlyCo55 - 22/10/2018 05:00

Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML

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By Lorky - 8/5/2020 02:00 - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

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By Chedder - 26/6/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By sostupid - 10/10/2009 19:22 - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

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By penguins - 13/11/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, I found out that in the three years I've been dating my boyfriend, his parents have secretly been going through all of his emails, including the ones I've sent him with "sexy" pictures attached. I can't look his parents in the eye without being reminded that they've both seen me naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I noticed my 5-gallon glass vase/aquarium was leaking at the base. When I went to move the vase so I could transfer everything to a new aquarium, the bottom completely detached, sending water, sand, sea shells and fish crap everywhere. FML

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By daddy-o - 14/3/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called and said she had great news. Turns out I've cured her of that illness she gets every month. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 08:47 - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

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By crazyjohnny - 1/6/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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By foops - 2/2/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By turdburger - 2/9/2009 05:56 - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

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By suckstobeme - 16/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By queenofdeath - 16/1/2010 18:16 - Israel

Today, I wanted to remove my mustache hair with hot wax. The hair is still there, but my skin is all burnt dark brown. Tomorrow is my first day at school. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 19:58

Today, I wore flip-flops to work. Just as I walked onto the elevator, they made a sound very close to that of a fart. About 10 seconds later, some asshole let out a silent but deadly fart, earning me a bunch of disgusted looks. FML

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By dadum - 27/1/2011 07:17 - Australia

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 01:50 - United States - Guthrie

Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML

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By shit_fer_luck - 16/12/2014 16:35 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

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Top comments

By ilovefmlife | 0

#251955 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

By RiverRelic | 0

#251987 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 0:01

She's telling you because you are the "sweet" guy who will now take care of her and her bastard. She puts out for tools but she'll let you get a taste now because of this accident. "You're such a sweet caring guy. I'm glad I have you around. I'll never be that stupid again." I'd say run, but chances are, if you are that guy you'll just be the sucker. Then, when you are watching the kid, she'll be letting another tool tap that.

Comments

By jessxoxo28 | 5

#251923 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

omg.... thats sucks...
whose the daddy?

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1041691 - Thursday 24 June 2010 18:58

Damn datsphucked sorry bud.

-Ł

Reply

Lx416 | 0

#1041692 - Thursday 24 June 2010 18:59

Wait, does her name happen to be Precious...? LMAO because that happend to a person I know

-Ł

Reply

kofinater | 3

#1428793 - Monday 20 September 2010 2:28

Idk, about a daddy, this sounds like Jesus's story to me :D

Reply

sonasonic | 34

#5974412 - Friday 13 June 2014 21:00

man are you so lucky! dump that cheating bitch!

By Niahbby | 0

#251926 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:52

Then theres no need for DNA tests

Reply

kiki123_55555 | 0

#960155 - Thursday 18 March 2010 1:29

#2. yeah. save some cash

By Burner2K0 | 0

#251929 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

The art of betrayal. :)

By HeyitsPheddy | 0

#251937 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

flockz | 19

#3595911 - Thursday 17 November 2011 3:38

apples?

Reply

the_enigma1019 | 1

#5178109 - Friday 23 November 2012 18:35

Aardvarks?

Reply

coolsunshinebear | 14

#5399808 - Sunday 10 March 2013 19:36

they're not married

Reply

PSYqualiac | 17

#6138264 - Monday 8 December 2014 0:39

Aflac?

By null_fml | 11

#251943 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

crandall | 0

#3555720 - Monday 7 November 2011 23:07

Thanks captain obvious

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4251837 - Tuesday 3 April 2012 1:01

Your name should be Dull*

Reply

Ted10003 | 3

#4738577 - Friday 27 July 2012 7:14

NOOOOO

Reply

ArcheryCole99 | 12

#5424255 - Thursday 28 March 2013 6:42

Thank you for enlightening us.

By ilovefmlife | 0

#251955 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:56

oh #5 your a smart one nothing gets by you.

Reply

ImSoSloth | 0

#3757334 - Monday 19 December 2011 21:57

you're*

By calicokitea | 0

#251972 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

At least you don't have to worry about it being yours or not! :)

By penizulaface | 0

#251974 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:58

#5

your quick wit amazes me.
i think i love you.

By Luckster | 0

#251977 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

Time to find a new girlfriend.

By jm88 | 0

#251980 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:59

#4, why be involved with a "shmashmorshion" with that ho? Drop herrrrrrrrrr