Work: Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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Work

Walk on the wild side

Who's a good boy?

On yer bike

By Michael tee - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

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By Wellthisishawkward - United States

Today, as I was driving, a bird swooped down, right in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to react, and so I had to listen to my wife cry the rest of the way home. She kept talking about how it bounced off the windshield and how it probably had a family. FML

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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By Mitch - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, while I was working my shift at the store, my girlfriend appeared and asked to talk to me. Once we were alone, she burst into tears and started sobbing. Turns out someone's dad died in her favorite TV show and she wanted some comfort. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

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By meet Chloe - Australia

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2020 14:01 - United States

Invasion

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

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By CreepedOut - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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By nl4 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

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By Dina - France

Today, whilst chatting with my mum on MSN, she unintentionally sent me an animated emoticon of a penis jerking off repeatedly. I don't even want to know the type of conversation she was having. FML

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By mala_19 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML

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By Don’t Think About It.

Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML

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By xmeatballx21 - United States

Today, I received a phone call from my old boss asking me why I wasn't at work, to which I responded, "Because you fired me yesterday". He didn't say anything, and hung up. FML

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By fmlguy

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my fiancée's OCD hit a new low when she screamed at me for flicking the light-switch off "the wrong way". This led to her flicking it on and off about a dozen times, followed by a twenty-minute lecture on how to do it "properly". We're getting married next month. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 20:00

It's mine now

Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML

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By Dmessmer1 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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By Ravhi Karia - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

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By microlovin - United States - Pasadena

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By Kylie - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By drchinky888 - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML

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By J. Homen - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By MissKitty

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

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By imawesomeokay - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

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By tenniemo

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

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By ambiiii - United States - Marble Falls

Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML

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By Ann - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. While I was at the store, an employee came up to me and said, "You're beautiful!" When I came home I told my husband what had just happened. My husband then asked, "What was wrong with him?" FML

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By Holls - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

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By cuteloser - Australia

Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

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By joe - France

Today, the only man who has ever fallen in love with me is bald. FML

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By mehdi-online

Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML

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By Matei - Romania - Bucharest

Red tape

Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for my two month anniversary, my boyfriend surprised me with a "present". He then lifted his pant leg. He had carved my initials into his leg with a knife. FML

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Top comments

By kmck09 | 0

#132427 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:37

I was fired from Hollister without ever being told.. I wouldn't worry about it, they're a screwed up company.

By Loe_307 | 0

#132378 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:02

Hope you stood up for yourself.

COMMENTS

By doch_fml | 4

#132286 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:12

Ouch

matt5217 | 4

#1076077 - Friday 9 July 2010 21:40

comment moderated

sports_chika | 0

#1092204 - Thursday 15 July 2010 4:42

way to get off on the right foot! ha anyway sorry op, I hope you got things straightened out.

By Lapras_LvL20 | 0

#132300 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:18

Boned.

By zargon | 1

#132308 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:20

YDI for being enough of a tool to work at Hollister.

By ohhhhshizzz | 0

#132353 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:43

#3: stfu.

I love Hollister.
And that sucks, I hope you let him know that you never knew you got the job.

By Loe_307 | 0

#132378 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:02

Hope you stood up for yourself.

DigitalFusion | 4

#3078756 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 15:19

At least number 6 stood up for himself.

By imadonkeymoo | 0

#132379 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:02

I have an erection

RoryStorm239 | 0

#970391 - Monday 29 March 2010 6:26

Ahaha!

ryguy997 | 0

#995877 - Monday 17 May 2010 4:11

why hasn't 6 been moderated yet?

By Jimboom | 11

#132391 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:06

They must have spoken to someone to tell you that you had the job. Otherwise how did they know you accepted it? Maybe a forgetful roommate/parent/sibling who forgot to give you the message?

Either way I am sure your new boss will understand.