Animals: Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew...

By Sting - United States - Manassas

Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew upwards and got hit by the rotating fan. It then immediately decided to take it's revenge by stinging me. FML

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Animals

There's no helping some people

BO Central

Always call first

By Joe - United States

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, in college, we were asked at what age girls tend to become physically attractive. Wrongly thinking the answer was in relation to puberty, I said "Umm... 11 or 12?" Now everyone thinks I'm some kind of pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 23:01

Like the beginning of a porno

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

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By goo - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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By poorbeauty - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML

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By really - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By Char - United Kingdom - Gravesend

Today, whilst at work, I had a woman come in with a problem with the seat in her car not moving backwards or forwards. There was a dildo stuck in the chair rail. FML

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By tylah - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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By a - United States

Today, I walked across my kitchen to go get my mom a blanket after she shoveled snow. I slipped and caught the kitchen chair with my side, landed on the floor and almost fracturing my knee cap. She then told me she wasn't cold. FML

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By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/1/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Mystery

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

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By soapypete - United States

Today, before a big client pitch I went into their office bathroom to quickly slick down my hair. It had two identical automatic faucets, one for water and one for hand soap. Now my hair is full of soap, and smells like industrial strength lavender. FML

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By g'day cunt - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got on Facebook and realized the only two friend requests I've had in 2 months are both from my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By Anonymous

Sexless in Seattle

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

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By kippis05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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By Fag_Hag - United States

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

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By f.a.t. - Australia

Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML

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By meunluckycharms - Canada - Toronto

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

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By Powerless - Australia

Today, I had a planned 12-hour power cut for maintenance work, which I'd forgot all about. In need of a shower before work, I spent 45 minutes boiling pots of water on the stove to take a lukewarm, 6-inch deep bath, before realizing my water heater runs on natural gas and was working fine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By massachusettsan - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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By hatetodisappoint - United States

Today, I called my very overprotective father, and he took the time to tell me how proud he was of me for finally finding a good and respectable boyfriend. And that he was sorry he misjudged. I was calling for bail money to get my "good, respectable" boyfriend out of jail. FML

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By squizzlebee - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By maced face - United States

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

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By ShylaMarie - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

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By leaaaa 223 - 14/7/2020 23:01

Take, is gift

Today, I woke up to yet another severed rat head next to my bed, which I have to dispose of yet again. Cats are seriously weird. FML

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By MEW - United States

Frustration level: infinity

Today, I was working drive thru and took a huge order. When the people pulled around to the window, they handed me a stack of coupons. None of the coupons were even related to what they ordered. They made me change their order to fit the coupons because they couldn't read. FML

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By undateable - 18/10/2020 02:01 - United States

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Today, I tried to drown out the petulant whining of my idiot coworker as he droned on and on about how, “bitches don’t appreciate good men.” He’s 35, lives at home, still uses the term 'friendzone' and has the hygiene of a sewer-dwelling ogre. I was written up for for snapping and yelling at him. FML

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By anonymous2.0 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I asked my husband to come upstairs to our bedroom, thinking I could get some "special time." It ended up with us arguing about his mother, and him falling asleep cuddling my pillow while sucking his thumb. FML

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By fuck - United States

Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML

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By FattestUgliestPerson - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

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By cj123 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

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By kana__ - Japan

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

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By what_a_loner - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

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Top comments

By Misschrissyv | 7

#6590154 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:16

Wasps are assholes.

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6590168 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:37

Wasps aren't sending their best
They're sending crappy flyers, vengeful stingers, and some, I assume, might help pollinate our flowers

COMMENTS

By krazy789 | 28

#6590143 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:04

Wrong place at the wrong time

By dorothy675 | 15

#6590144 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:08

Better *wasp* out next time.

Sayeret_Matkal | 18

#6590208 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 8:56

What?

Arkham_Callabero | 15

#6590223 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 9:42

That didn't make any sense

Snickers4 | 16

#6590963 - Thursday 28 April 2016 4:54

Guys it's a pun for "watch"

Kidd_Ant | 18

#6591162 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:57

Boooo.

By fvckyolifekys | 6

#6590149 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:10

rip

By wheresmymary | 22

#6590152 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:15

Hopefully you're not allergic

By may14th | 26

#6590153 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:15

I usually wake up with a wasp in my room every morning during the summer and for some reason they always gravitate towards the fan. Idiots.

By Misschrissyv | 7

#6590154 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:16

Wasps are assholes.

By TigranPet | 24

#6590155 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:19

At least they only sting once.

Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6590195 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 8:27

Wasps can sting more than once. That's why they're more agressive than bees.

doodycakes | 16

#6590463 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 16:17

Ohhhhh nooooo they sting multiple times and it hurts like a motherfucker

Pop_And_Lock | 14

#6591964 - Friday 29 April 2016 4:40

Bees only sting once, wasps can do it multiple times.

By frenzyfusion1122 | 13

#6590156 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:22

That's a real, stinger. Sorry OP hope you feel better!!!

By jawarston | 24

#6590160 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:24

Where was Ant Man when you needed him

Kitouran | 30

#6590375 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 14:28

Ant-Man can't control wasps.

Ungrateful_Imp | 9

#6590669 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 21:16

But isn't Ant-Man's main antagonist (in the movie) Yellowjacket? And isn't that a species of wasp?

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6590168 - Wednesday 27 April 2016 7:37

Wasps aren't sending their best
They're sending crappy flyers, vengeful stingers, and some, I assume, might help pollinate our flowers

maxthebigseal | 21

#6590790 - Thursday 28 April 2016 0:05

I wonder how many people got the reference.

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6590993 - Thursday 28 April 2016 5:24

Enough to get some likes and downvotes lol