Miscellaneous: Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and...

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 680

You deserved it 3 124

Miscellaneous

Different together

Clipper time

Pokémon Gone

By oogabooga9 - 08/11/2017 15:00

Today, I was clearing out the garage when a large bouncy ball rolled into the drive. Only when I blasted it full force with my foot and collapsed did I realise it was actually a bowling ball. Two of my toes are broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 694

You deserved it 4 267

By Tucker - 08/02/2010 19:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover from last night. Last night, I snuck out and went to a party at a club. To hide my hangover, I cleaned myself up and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. My mother looked at me and said, "What's that on your wrist?" I'd forgotten I'd left the wristband on from the club. I'm already grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 468

You deserved it 48 243

Seems unlikely

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 22:01 - United States - Brookville

Today, I teasingly asked my crush why he never came to visit me in my dorm. He said that all his friends there had moved out and gotten apartments, so he had no reason to go to my dorm. Oh. I thought we were friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 117

By RoyallyGrossedOut - 19/06/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't been to the dentist in two years and definitely doesn't plan on it because, "That's just how the government steals more money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 308

You deserved it 5 748

By Dr_Dolittle - 12/01/2010 15:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 348

You deserved it 5 487

By Stupidhuman - 13/04/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 485

You deserved it 2 147

By SoClose - 03/04/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 11 311

By Anonymous - 27/12/2015 00:38 - Brazil - Itaja?

Today, my father is really enjoying the iPhone my mother gave him for Christmas. He's enjoying it so much that he's already installed all sorts of dating apps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 876

You deserved it 1 573

By :| - 22/10/2013 01:40 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 099

You deserved it 2 997

Alas, poor Mickey

By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 14:00

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into it, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 336

You deserved it 210

By Anonymous - 01/07/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 802

You deserved it 34 124

By mr_flarpin - 22/08/2012 00:37 - United States - Stoneham

Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 216

You deserved it 7 519

By charlotte273 - 30/06/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 184

You deserved it 13 858

By Anonymous - 20/06/2012 05:22 - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought some beef jerky. As I put the first piece in my mouth, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is tough enough to break a tooth." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 953

You deserved it 3 524

By fmfl - 17/11/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 192

You deserved it 13 100

By Anonymous - 30/05/2016 02:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 209

You deserved it 1 423

By boblaj - 22/05/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 795

You deserved it 4 010

Sex talk

By Bellagirl - 19/07/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 413

You deserved it 5 466

By somechick - 09/12/2009 05:25 - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 286

You deserved it 6 072

By coeurdlucky - 19/10/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 129

You deserved it 3 559

By andromeda80 - 28/03/2012 13:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 416

You deserved it 2 794

By latepayer - 13/10/2009 15:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I owed my school $0.20. They decided to charge me a late fee of $20 for deferring the intial payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 803

You deserved it 4 035

You tried

By well okay then - 10/09/2012 04:39 - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 937

You deserved it 3 440

By beepbeep - 22/08/2018 03:30

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 242

You deserved it 514

Heavy

By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 08:29 - Reserved

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "Weighing my testicles… you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 496

You deserved it 2 992

By rawr_fml001 - 11/05/2012 23:50 - Canada - Brampton

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 804

You deserved it 6 955

By Anonymous - 07/05/2011 05:58 - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 964

You deserved it 8 962

By Anonymous - 26/08/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 871

You deserved it 3 886

By en3rg1zer21 - 06/08/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was peeing, and I sneezed. I looked down to see that my gum had flown out of my mouth and gotten caught in my pubes. On the upside I got a new look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 379

You deserved it 9 508

By mylifeeee - 25/02/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, in art class we finally had the critique for the self portraits we've been working on for a month. We critique a few and come to mine. Everyone is silent. Finally, one girl says "I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't look like you. You're not that pretty." Everyone nods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 027

You deserved it 5 684

By me - 18/06/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 708

You deserved it 3 821

By whattheheck - 04/06/2012 04:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 056

You deserved it 3 461

Knock knock

By iHateMyRoommate - 28/07/2021 11:59 - United States - Loveland

Today, I had to tell an adult man that, even though he’s friends with my roommate and the door is unlocked, he should definitely wait until someone answers the door before letting himself in. I almost shot him because he was rooting through my shit looking for his phone he'd "lost". FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 91

By emogurl - 22/07/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 811

You deserved it 28 156

By ScottyB - 22/12/2014 08:05 - United States - Peabody

Today, my girlfriend of two years asked me why I would never tie her shoes for her. I confessed to her my deep hatred of feet. Later, I woke up from a nap next to my girlfriend. With her feet in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 640

You deserved it 6 603

By wtf bro - 20/05/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 018

You deserved it 3 602

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 17:02 - United States - Houston

Today, I finally got the chance to meet this wonderful guy I met on a dating site. She was very excited to see me, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 850

You deserved it 5 583

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 20:19 - United States - Renton

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 658

You deserved it 2 209

Debate bro

By Fuck Trump. - 03/05/2021 14:01

Today, after a supervisor, who is a Donald Trump fanatic, kept pestering us with the subject, I decided to debate with him, never swearing or disrespecting him at all. I was fired, presumably for disrespecting a supervisor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 493

Issues

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 04:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me I’m clearly turning into my mother. I turned round to have a go at him when I stopped, thought about it, and realised he’s completely right. I’m just like her. Now I’m so depressed, I don’t know if I want booze, a relaxing bath or a really long, ugly crying session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 380

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Top comments

footballfreak65 6

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

Wizardo 33

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

Tavers 19

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

Well, that sucks.... Ok I'll shut up now.

Zen_Mei 17

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Sunday 19 May 2013 23:24

Please and thank you!!

AlliFaye17 3

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Monday 20 May 2013 0:20

Funny XD

n4ture 20

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Monday 20 May 2013 0:57

shut up.

Tavers 19

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Thursday 23 May 2013 20:39

To be honest, I made the comment to see how many thumb downs I could get.

footballfreak65 6

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

xXNerrrdXx 16

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Monday 20 May 2013 2:06

have them both connect to your fist**

ozpunker 20

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Monday 20 May 2013 3:12

Repeatedly.

weezypanda420 22

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Thursday 29 October 2015 0:38

Agreed!

Wizardo 33

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

silencebabyy 23

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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nothing92x 13

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Monday 20 May 2013 0:27

Someone needs a thesaurus.

perdix 29

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Monday 20 May 2013 0:55

#3, but it is the "currency of the realm" at some other adult dating sites. ;)

silencebabyy 23

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Monday 20 May 2013 1:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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interesting33 36

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Monday 20 May 2013 1:55

I agree - I'm not sure either

sig4life 18

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Monday 20 May 2013 7:48

Well no matter, they are married now. Time to connect divorce papers to him, maybe even a hospital.

Wizardo 33

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Monday 20 May 2013 10:20

#31 I assume you are a wealthy man in the sense you have a vast accumulation of this 'currency of the realm'? *twirls moustache*

greeneyedx 23

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Sunday 5 April 2015 6:01

Still cheating :/

mpj13 8

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Double whammy. Ouch.

NeinKittenz 20

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Connect your husband to divorce papers.

spunkylady 24

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Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

I agree with #2... What is it with women now days thinking they're SO COOL cuz they are home wreckers...

yryilmaz 13

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Monday 20 May 2013 2:05

I really don't think that women think that it's "SO COOL" to home wreck...

ileenefudge 29

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Monday 20 May 2013 4:25

I know one that is proud to be one but she acts more like a little girl than a woman. My ex and her were made for each other since they both refuse to grow up.

SpamPam 18

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Monday 20 May 2013 4:50

To me it's the one who actually has a commitment to honor who takes the responsibility of "home wrecking" in these situations.

DjeePee 24

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Monday 20 May 2013 13:05

And to me, it's both. If you're in a relationship, you don't fuck around. Want to have sex with other people? Ignore your desire and be faithful/start only open relationships/end your monoamorous relationship, but don't ever fuck around. And if you're single, don't fuck anyone who's already taken. Have some self-respect and respect for the real partner and keep your pants closed.