Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and...

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

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Miscellaneous

White line fever

DINOSAURS!!

Headache

By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By MyNameIsNotJeff - 8/5/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2014 01:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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By CptZoe - 29/2/2012 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

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By aswamk - 19/12/2015 05:01 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

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By Oops - 18/11/2018 21:00 - United States

Today, I had diarrhea and shit myself. During my wedding. In my wedding dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend and he brushed my hair out of my eyes. Then he smiled and said "Your eyes are two different colors right now. One's blue, one's green..." I was so happy he still noticed the little things. Then he finished his sentence with "...ya know, like a dog." FML

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By nozVail - 20/11/2015 23:52 - United States

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

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By NoRingForMe - 18/7/2012 17:03 - United States - Stamford

Today, I went into hysterics and started crying when my boyfriend pulled out a Tiffany's box at dinner. Then I found out he'd used the old box to make the $15 earrings he bought seem more "special." FML

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By Nomoreballs - 10/7/2012 23:10 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

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By Oh. - 23/7/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 06:12

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

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By Sl3vin - 19/1/2010 14:17 - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

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By tbeemcgeebee - 1/8/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2012 07:10 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML

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By Marymary - 27/8/2019 20:00

Kids say the dumbest things…

Today, my cousins and I were walking past bars, choosing one go to. I recently got my hair cut short and thought it was cute. A little boy walking beside us looked at me and said, "Are you a boy?" His mother shushed him and said, "No dear, she's just flat-chested." FML

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By andy - 1/1/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter was looking at a magazine cover with a well endowed model showing off her clevage. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up will I have big round boobies like her or tiny pointy ones like you?" FML

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By My_Cow_kiM - 28/4/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I told my mom I'm severely allergic to my cat and that the doctor told me it would be best to get rid of the cat. Somewhat jokingly, I told her it was either me or the cat. She chose the cat. She was serious too. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex. Over breakfast, she said it was the most intense, primal and mind-blowing sexual experience she ever had. Problem is, I don't remember a damned thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 02:32 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

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By munnyfish - 7/11/2009 07:16 - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I open my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friends place with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

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By DaChief - 31/5/2016 03:17 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 22:58 - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML

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By sciencenat - 14/1/2016 06:36 - France - V?lizy-villacoublay

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2012 16:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML

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By TotallyDoneDating - 2/5/2018 05:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By anonymous - 20/6/2013 01:09 - United States - Houston

Today, I helped an elderly lady put a bookshelf in her car. She then thanked me by hitting me with her car as she drove out of the parking lot. FML

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By Che_likes_you - 12/12/2014 15:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

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By loueb17 - 15/2/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - 1/6/2016 05:02 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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By wardsl195 - 30/12/2016 05:55 - United States - Seaford

Today, a guy came to install a modem in my apartment. He needed to get to the jack behind my TV stand, so I helped him move it. Once the stand was moved, I saw a used condom that was hidden underneath. My cat must have pulled it out of my garbage weeks ago. There's no way the guy didn't see it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 16:07

Greased Lightning

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

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By FrOsTy25 - 13/4/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 17:39 - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

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By jack - 15/6/2016 09:56 - France - Ajaccio

Today, I invited the girl I like out for a meal. She replied, “Sorry, I already have plans”. I asked her what they were. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.” FML

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By HotelNA614 - 1/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Mason

Today, while working at a hotel, I had a guest return his room key in my hands for once instead of throwing it on the counter. Progress, right? Except that it was covered in snot. FML

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By Divorcee - 15/7/2019 04:02

Today, I learned that my wife had been cheating on me. What's worse? My kids found out three months before I did, and told me that they like him better than me. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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Top comments

By footballfreak65 | 6

#5498568 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

By Wizardo | 33

#5498579 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

Comments

By Tavers | 19

#5498566 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

Well, that sucks.... Ok I'll shut up now.

Zen_Mei | 17

#5498653 - Sunday 19 May 2013 23:24

Please and thank you!!

AlliFaye17 | 3

#5498718 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:20

Funny XD

n4ture | 20

#5498806 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:57

shut up.

Tavers | 19

#5503971 - Thursday 23 May 2013 20:39

To be honest, I made the comment to see how many thumb downs I could get.

By footballfreak65 | 6

#5498568 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

xXNerrrdXx | 16

#5498906 - Monday 20 May 2013 2:06

have them both connect to your fist**

ozpunker | 20

#5498979 - Monday 20 May 2013 3:12

Repeatedly.

weezypanda420 | 22

#6447250 - Thursday 29 October 2015 0:38

Agreed!

By Wizardo | 33

#5498579 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

silencebabyy | 23

#5498594 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

nothing92x | 13

#5498724 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:27

Someone needs a thesaurus.

perdix | 29

#5498799 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:55

#3, but it is the "currency of the realm" at some other adult dating sites. ;)

silencebabyy | 23

#5498858 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

interesting33 | 36

#5498887 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:55

I agree - I'm not sure either

sig4life | 18

#5499247 - Monday 20 May 2013 7:48

Well no matter, they are married now. Time to connect divorce papers to him, maybe even a hospital.

Wizardo | 33

#5499353 - Monday 20 May 2013 10:20

#31 I assume you are a wealthy man in the sense you have a vast accumulation of this 'currency of the realm'? *twirls moustache*

greeneyedx | 23

#6252790 - Sunday 5 April 2015 6:01

Still cheating :/

By mpj13 | 8

#5498590 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Double whammy. Ouch.

By NeinKittenz | 20

#5498591 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Connect your husband to divorce papers.

By spunkylady | 24

#5498592 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

I agree with #2... What is it with women now days thinking they're SO COOL cuz they are home wreckers...

yryilmaz | 13

#5498904 - Monday 20 May 2013 2:05

I really don't think that women think that it's "SO COOL" to home wreck...

ileenefudge | 29

#5499054 - Monday 20 May 2013 4:25

I know one that is proud to be one but she acts more like a little girl than a woman. My ex and her were made for each other since they both refuse to grow up.

SpamPam | 18

#5499094 - Monday 20 May 2013 4:50

To me it's the one who actually has a commitment to honor who takes the responsibility of "home wrecking" in these situations.

DjeePee | 24

#5499484 - Monday 20 May 2013 13:05

And to me, it's both. If you're in a relationship, you don't fuck around. Want to have sex with other people? Ignore your desire and be faithful/start only open relationships/end your monoamorous relationship, but don't ever fuck around. And if you're single, don't fuck anyone who's already taken. Have some self-respect and respect for the real partner and keep your pants closed.