Miscellaneous: Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and...

By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

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Miscellaneous

Non-baby fever

Noise

Mind your own beeswax

By _Emilyy - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By heycutie - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

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37655

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By purpletulip - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my customer complained to me that there were no scallops in her dish when it was "clearly stated on the menu." Finally, after she ran out of breath, I had to show her that the menu said scallions. She didn't understand, screamed at me and then walked out on her bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11119

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By thebeachisthatway - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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36124

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By Annoymous - Australia

Today, walking home from work, I saw a little boy crying, so I crouched down to his eye level. I asked him what was wrong, his reply was to kick me in the groin. FML

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43408

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By Dipping Tired - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

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By Anonyme - France

Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML

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32137

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By tbeemcgeebee - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By Brinty - Australia

Today, I found out that whenever a mistake is made at my work, my boss assumes that it was me, unless indicated otherwise, but he has never said anything to me about it because of my 'learning disorder'. I don't have a learning disorder. FML

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By divorcee - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27998

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By Alexis

Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML

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6574

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By choke on a dick, sir - United States - Portland

Today, my boss came around to my way of thinking. He called our customers a "bunch of assholes" and to kick them out if they gave me trouble. When a lady began yelling at me for "setting the damn prices too high" I told her to leave. My boss soon bitched me out for being unprofessional. FML

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41566

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By sexandanxiety - Canada - Stittsville

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

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34525

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By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19485

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By Anonymous

Today, I had diarrhea in a public bathroom. When I was finished, I noticed that someone had pissed all over the toilet paper. FML

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46340

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By MoxyR12 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I really liked. Things were going pretty well. I got a call from his number and excitedly answered it. It was his girlfriend asking if he was bothering me because he likes to text random people when he's drunk. FML

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48567

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By Sleepy - United States - Apo

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

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27412

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By Noob - United States - Houston

Today, I restarted my desktop computer at work. Nobody told me, but it turns out that my computer holds the licenses used for all programs on the server. Needless to say, a lot of people hate me right now. It's only my fifth day here. FML

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4702

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By Whoops

Today, my mom decided she wants to try a new family bonding experiment: Being naked around the house for an entire week. She wants us all to eat dinner, watch tv, etc. completely naked. She says she will ground me and my siblings if we don't try it. FML

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5065

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By rejected - United States - Milpitas

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML

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57670

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. 20 minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

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By Hit-and-Run - Mexico - Ju?rez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By kidswithnomanners - United States

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

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32248

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By AE86Turbo - United States

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, "Nice try." FML

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29710

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By charlotte273 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By Humpday - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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14051

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 20:00

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2277

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By Alec - United States

Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

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17979

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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21326

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By bet a woman would've been thanked - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51014

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By NeverDrinkingAgain - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20619

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By Anonymous

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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1447

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By anonymous

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5260

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By not eyelid - Spain - Manresa

Today, at work, I quickly bought plane tickets on an iPad. I should have taken my time doing it, because now, thanks to autocorrect, I have two tickets for a girl with the first name of Eyelid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10028

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 23:01

That's a new one!

Today, I found out that the guy I was talking to for over a year, who told me he was dying from Covid, is perfectly fine and he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

909

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103

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By Grauncho - United States - Chicago

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

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Top comments

By footballfreak65 | 6

#5498568 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

By Wizardo | 33

#5498579 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

COMMENTS

By Tavers | 19

#5498566 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

Well, that sucks.... Ok I'll shut up now.

Zen_Mei | 17

#5498653 - Sunday 19 May 2013 23:24

Please and thank you!!

AlliFaye17 | 3

#5498718 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:20

Funny XD

n4ture | 20

#5498806 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:57

shut up.

Tavers | 19

#5503971 - Thursday 23 May 2013 20:39

To be honest, I made the comment to see how many thumb downs I could get.

By footballfreak65 | 6

#5498568 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

xXNerrrdXx | 16

#5498906 - Monday 20 May 2013 2:06

have them both connect to your fist**

ozpunker | 20

#5498979 - Monday 20 May 2013 3:12

Repeatedly.

weezypanda420 | 22

#6447250 - Thursday 29 October 2015 0:38

Agreed!

By Wizardo | 33

#5498579 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

silencebabyy | 23

#5498594 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

nothing92x | 13

#5498724 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:27

Someone needs a thesaurus.

perdix | 29

#5498799 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:55

#3, but it is the "currency of the realm" at some other adult dating sites. ;)

silencebabyy | 23

#5498858 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

interesting33 | 36

#5498887 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:55

I agree - I'm not sure either

sig4life | 18

#5499247 - Monday 20 May 2013 7:48

Well no matter, they are married now. Time to connect divorce papers to him, maybe even a hospital.

Wizardo | 33

#5499353 - Monday 20 May 2013 10:20

#31 I assume you are a wealthy man in the sense you have a vast accumulation of this 'currency of the realm'? *twirls moustache*

greeneyedx | 23

#6252790 - Sunday 5 April 2015 6:01

Still cheating :/

By mpj13 | 8

#5498590 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Double whammy. Ouch.

By NeinKittenz | 20

#5498591 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Connect your husband to divorce papers.

By spunkylady | 24

#5498592 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

I agree with #2... What is it with women now days thinking they're SO COOL cuz they are home wreckers...

yryilmaz | 13

#5498904 - Monday 20 May 2013 2:05

I really don't think that women think that it's "SO COOL" to home wreck...

ileenefudge | 29

#5499054 - Monday 20 May 2013 4:25

I know one that is proud to be one but she acts more like a little girl than a woman. My ex and her were made for each other since they both refuse to grow up.

SpamPam | 18

#5499094 - Monday 20 May 2013 4:50

To me it's the one who actually has a commitment to honor who takes the responsibility of "home wrecking" in these situations.

DjeePee | 24

#5499484 - Monday 20 May 2013 13:05

And to me, it's both. If you're in a relationship, you don't fuck around. Want to have sex with other people? Ignore your desire and be faithful/start only open relationships/end your monoamorous relationship, but don't ever fuck around. And if you're single, don't fuck anyone who's already taken. Have some self-respect and respect for the real partner and keep your pants closed.