Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and...

By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 17:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

True hero

Boozehound alert

By Deceptive Dog 1242 - 23/8/2018 14:30 - United States

It's Cat-Dog!

Today, I pulled something out of my tiny 6 month old puppy's mouth, thinking it was a cord that he had gotten a hold of. As it turns out, it was a baby mouse he had caught and killed. FML

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By Brenda Trejo - 17/1/2018 01:30

Today, my fiancé asked his 13-year-old sister what role she wanted in our upcoming wedding. Her response was "Saying I object!" FML

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By mammamia - 27/4/2009 12:54 - United States

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

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By xxxzzzooo - 2/1/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

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By thrifty gone wrong - 28/1/2013 17:24 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I received a birthday present from a friend. It was the very same gift I gave to her for Christmas. FML

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By "Mel Hahn" - 17/9/2017 16:00

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

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By firsttimer69 - 20/3/2009 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

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By Thanh Quang - 31/1/2011 05:58

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 16:18 - United States - Surprise

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

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By not-religious - 17/12/2013 09:16 - United States

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

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By aggghghgh - 14/5/2016 08:51

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

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By Anon - 13/8/2009 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By lopez - 16/12/2008 03:58 - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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By SomeDJ - 12/8/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

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By Meetingman - 20/12/2016 08:36

Today, our company did a photo-session for the website. The photographer was limping, and I immediately asked what's wrong with him. Then I noticed he was on a prosthetic. FML

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By secretsmakefriends - 15/10/2013 21:43 - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

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By anonymous - 23/4/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, my grandma and I were watching the Ranger's playoff game. As Henrik Lundqvist received a standing ovation from the crowd after blocking 38 shots, she says to me, "Check out his equipment!" My 80-year old grandma just commented on Henrik Lundqvist's package. FML

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By pop, pop - 8/5/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while working the night shift. It took me 3 hours and a whole lot of dirty looks while walking home before I looked in a mirror and saw my cockbite of a coworker had drawn a swastika on my forehead while I was asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 18:15

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

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By aabadaba - 1/4/2013 05:23 - United States - La Mirada

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

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By aswamk - 19/12/2015 05:01 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

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By atetoeate - 27/8/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

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By flowerman - 26/12/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I had to drive my girlfriend to the hospital because she had a severe allergic reaction to the flowers I brought her. FML

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By EggHead - 31/12/2015 04:38 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2019 12:00

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 14:06 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

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By da man - 11/2/2009 11:38 - Canada

Today, my friend was picking on me at school by constantly tapping on my shoulder. At recess I had enough. I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, and I drove my elbow into what I thought was my friends stomach. It was my Principal. FML

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By mrmarshall - 17/5/2019 05:44

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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By Noname - 30/12/2009 16:53 - Australia

Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

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By shanson - 7/11/2016 14:06 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By Username - 16/4/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

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By Jess - 30/5/2009 12:48 - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By fuckedbyretail - 2/2/2013 14:53 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

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By Flora - 17/4/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

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By ineedanewjob - 9/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

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By NewMom - 16/8/2017 20:00

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

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By Waffle - 9/3/2011 15:47

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

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By ThankYou! - 22/12/2015 05:50 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to meet a guy that i had already started to be involved with at a bar. We laughed, kissed and had a great time, until he admitted he was just doing all of this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Guess who was waiting for me outside. FML

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Top comments

By footballfreak65 | 6

#5498568 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

By Wizardo | 33

#5498579 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

COMMENTS

By Tavers | 19

#5498566 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

Well, that sucks.... Ok I'll shut up now.

Zen_Mei | 17

#5498653 - Sunday 19 May 2013 23:24

Please and thank you!!

AlliFaye17 | 3

#5498718 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:20

Funny XD

n4ture | 20

#5498806 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:57

shut up.

Tavers | 19

#5503971 - Thursday 23 May 2013 20:39

To be honest, I made the comment to see how many thumb downs I could get.

By footballfreak65 | 6

#5498568 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:46

i think you should also have her connect with your fist

xXNerrrdXx | 16

#5498906 - Monday 20 May 2013 2:06

have them both connect to your fist**

ozpunker | 20

#5498979 - Monday 20 May 2013 3:12

Repeatedly.

weezypanda420 | 22

#6447250 - Thursday 29 October 2015 0:38

Agreed!

By Wizardo | 33

#5498579 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:48

I think you should disconnect his penis and then the relationship. Adultery is a big no-no here.

silencebabyy | 23

#5498594 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

nothing92x | 13

#5498724 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:27

Someone needs a thesaurus.

perdix | 29

#5498799 - Monday 20 May 2013 0:55

#3, but it is the "currency of the realm" at some other adult dating sites. ;)

silencebabyy | 23

#5498858 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

interesting33 | 36

#5498887 - Monday 20 May 2013 1:55

I agree - I'm not sure either

sig4life | 18

#5499247 - Monday 20 May 2013 7:48

Well no matter, they are married now. Time to connect divorce papers to him, maybe even a hospital.

Wizardo | 33

#5499353 - Monday 20 May 2013 10:20

#31 I assume you are a wealthy man in the sense you have a vast accumulation of this 'currency of the realm'? *twirls moustache*

greeneyedx | 23

#6252790 - Sunday 5 April 2015 6:01

Still cheating :/

By mpj13 | 8

#5498590 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Double whammy. Ouch.

By NeinKittenz | 20

#5498591 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:51

Connect your husband to divorce papers.

By spunkylady | 24

#5498592 - Sunday 19 May 2013 22:53

I agree with #2... What is it with women now days thinking they're SO COOL cuz they are home wreckers...

yryilmaz | 13

#5498904 - Monday 20 May 2013 2:05

I really don't think that women think that it's "SO COOL" to home wreck...

ileenefudge | 29

#5499054 - Monday 20 May 2013 4:25

I know one that is proud to be one but she acts more like a little girl than a woman. My ex and her were made for each other since they both refuse to grow up.

SpamPam | 18

#5499094 - Monday 20 May 2013 4:50

To me it's the one who actually has a commitment to honor who takes the responsibility of "home wrecking" in these situations.

DjeePee | 24

#5499484 - Monday 20 May 2013 13:05

And to me, it's both. If you're in a relationship, you don't fuck around. Want to have sex with other people? Ignore your desire and be faithful/start only open relationships/end your monoamorous relationship, but don't ever fuck around. And if you're single, don't fuck anyone who's already taken. Have some self-respect and respect for the real partner and keep your pants closed.