Work: Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So... - FML

By notthenaughtymaid - 04/08/2014 21:54 - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 487

You deserved it 4 331

Taking stock

Commando

BO Central

Duh.

By psb1990 - 01/09/2018 01:30

Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 3 528

Sandwiches rule

By Sebastian Bonaparte - 11/02/2021 00:30

Today, it's the fourth day since I got home from hospital in a wheelchair after a car wreck. It was also the first day that someone in my house offered to do something for me. My father-in-law visited and offered to make me a sandwich. My response? I cried. My wife and kids laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 616

You deserved it 78

By Anonymous - 14/02/2012 12:39 - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 871

You deserved it 5 812

By Anonymous - 02/07/2015 04:49 - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 200

You deserved it 10 125

By BigPurplePresent - 28/07/2009 13:34 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 932

You deserved it 18 051

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 838

You deserved it 2 939

By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 108

You deserved it 2 296

By Anonymous - 23/07/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 926

You deserved it 99 142

By LLCK - 10/12/2012 10:13 - United States - Owatonna

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 495

You deserved it 2 245

By punaise ... - 05/12/2014 02:12 - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 696

You deserved it 3 059

By sweet2u22 - 27/02/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, I told the guy I like to listen to a song that expressed how I felt about him. When he was done, I asked what he thought about it. He said it made him realize that his ex was the love of his life and that he wants to go back to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 900

You deserved it 7 511

By anonymous - 05/09/2014 16:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was about to sneeze. To avoid getting his new tablet wet, he chose to sneeze right into my face instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 923

You deserved it 3 876

Booze confused

By piliseep - 07/06/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 013

You deserved it 1 615

It's the thought that counts…

By Loveandpoetry - 31/05/2011 21:12

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 846

You deserved it 5 353

By sayno2mermaids - 04/08/2016 02:08 - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 229

You deserved it 3 193

By Ugh - 14/06/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 565

You deserved it 1 042

By cwell88 - 21/06/2015 13:29

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 663

You deserved it 1 764

By readytomingle - 15/07/2010 02:37 - United States

Today, I bought an "I love my boyfriend" t-shirt so people wouldn't think I'm single. I'm very single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 066

You deserved it 42 296

By Whatthe - 18/04/2017 20:00

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 348

By Username - 27/11/2010 02:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having a long and serious talk about maybe having a relationship, the guy I really like told me to send him a "sexy picture." I sent him a picture of me in a bra and a thong. He replied, "Yeah, you're hot!" and signed off after ten minutes of silence. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 515

You deserved it 45 911

By gamerguru13 - 21/04/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 841

You deserved it 4 238

By cynicalcindy - 19/02/2009 09:06 - United States

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out : "Are you having fun ?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 880

You deserved it 49 738

By straightasaneedle - 02/02/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 504

You deserved it 4 848

It's a conspiracy!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 939

You deserved it 2 492

Bad tipper, good shitter

By kmctl - 20/05/2015 18:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 938

You deserved it 1 986

By Target - 12/02/2013 01:42 - United States

Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 930

You deserved it 2 788

By food critic - 22/12/2016 14:26 - Australia - Ryde

Today, I saw my girlfriend's mother tagged at a restaurant, the same one I had suggested we try earlier in the week. At the time, she quickly shut me down because "that place sounds terrible". I guess she forgot that she finally added me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 683

You deserved it 582

By larsn - 03/06/2016 20:32 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 863

You deserved it 20 066

By paradox - 07/02/2009 07:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized my best friend has had it off in my apartment more times than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 294

You deserved it 5 341

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:03 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, the Salvation Army stationed one of their obnoxious bell-ringers in the mall right outside my store. My employees and I can wave goodbye to any form of sanity for the next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 794

You deserved it 5 140

By Clueless - 21/04/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 027

You deserved it 31 025

By don't cry over spilled milk - 23/11/2016 14:33 - United States - Elmendorf Afb

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 159

You deserved it 1 409

By 3 More Months - 30/09/2013 06:02 - United States - Stanford

Today, I got paired up with a coworker for a three-month project. All he talks about is how attractive my girlfriend is and what he would do with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 331

You deserved it 3 723

By Anonymous - 18/04/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 222

By Anonymous - 06/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Newtown Square

Today, after hearing the results of my spinal tap, following several scans, my doctor said discovering that I have Multiple Sclerosis was a "happy accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 884

You deserved it 1 485

By Anonymous - 13/05/2019 10:00

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 629

By unaware - 19/09/2012 04:14 - United States - Columbus

Today, I spent ten minutes looking for my cell phone in the dark, only to realize the light I was using was my cell phone's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 994

You deserved it 35 196

By killmenow - 23/04/2014 14:54 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 771

You deserved it 14 362

Stir crazy, part 16

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 05:00

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 105

You deserved it 450

By Anonymous - 04/09/2012 15:09 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 132

You deserved it 9 373

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Top comments

kangx1 28

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:47

Wow those people are so DIRTY :)

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

Do you clean clocks?

Comments

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:47

First! :D

awesomeamandas 37

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

no one cares

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

This isn't YouTube get outta here.

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:50

Ya well I care so you can fuck off

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:51

Yeah*

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:52

And?

kangx1 28

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:47

Wow those people are so DIRTY :)

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:08

Go to your room to think about what you've done

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 8:19

Buh-duh-tsss

loathingloser 14

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 8:41

Anyone see Nicki Minaj's anaconda video. Godamn!

Murkyy 15

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Tuesday 12 August 2014 5:52

That's one of the best puns ever maid.

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

Do you clean clocks?

Zero_TAlent_ 23

Tuesday 5 August 2014 15:24

I think we all read that wrong! Haha!! You got me friend!!

pessimistprime 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 21:29

I have a crack on my screen that goes right through the 'L' in clocks... yeah. :/

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

Let the thumbing down commence

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:02

I had the first comment but it was erased in case you were wondering

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:49

I guess you're attracting the wrong type of maid....

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Thursday 7 August 2014 0:21

She wants to be a maid, not hire one.

DontClickOnMe 28

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:49

Maybe try posting the ad on a different website? Also, maybe put an ad in the newspaper. Good luck. =)

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 9:01

Different Country ... if applicable ...

VonBlitzkrieg 27

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 16:10

You'd think that by now people know to steer clear of craigslist.

Slimma 20

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:52

I guess they think its all roleplay fantasy. ... weird.

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:53

They need a good cleaning themselves

tbro47 23

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Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:54

I guess it's just one of those fantasies that most guys have. It's probably disgusting to you OP but if you posted your picture or anything like that with the ad it just means that many of the people that saw it found you attractive. Add the fact that you could be their maid, and it's instant fantasy land.

Send a private message

Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:58

Looks like you're in the wrong business.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 50

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 54