Work: Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So... - FML

By notthenaughtymaid - United States - Cedar Bluff

Today, I posted an ad online for house cleaning services. So far, all fifteen responses have been solicitations for sex. FML

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There's no helping some people

True hero

Sounds like a catch

By blahmina - United States

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

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By dilligaf - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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By goodbyefriend - United States - Worcester

Today, after a few weeks of smuggling a baby caterpillar into work every day just to make sure it ate and stayed alive long enough to turn into a butterfly, it finally did. Before it could fly free, a bird turned it into a snack. FML

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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By muffinmen1022 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

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By JimiHendrix - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By EmBAREassed - United States

Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

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By Damn You Fortnite

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

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By BurnedByAWaiter

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

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By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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By Noctium - 2/9/2020 14:08 - Australia - Bentley

Anxiety

Today, I realised exactly how bad my social anxiety has gotten when I had a panic attack watching someone ask someone else out on a fictional show. FML

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By Kathryn - United States

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By Eskyew - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 02:02

Father, you mean father

Today, I found out wife has two baby daddies for our two kids. I’m neither one’s baby daddy. FML

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By SezzyJ - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:59 - United States - West Yellowstone

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

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By Bnewlove - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, a customer threatened to smash my face in because I wouldn't give him a veteran's discount on a donut. He looked like he'd eaten his way out of fat camp, and it seemed the only action he'd seen was fighting his way into a lard factory. Still, he swung fast, and I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in an attempt to spice up our relationship, I tied my boyfriend up and did a strip tease for him. I pulled my skirt down over my heels and tripped as I tried to step out of it. Not only did I pull a muscle in my leg but I elbowed him in the groin. So much for spice. FML

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By Screwupify - United States

Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

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By baby names

Today, I helped a lady give birth on the train. She was so happy she asked if she could name the baby after me, but as I told her my name she visibly turned her nose up at it, turned to her husband, and suggested naming it after his grandfather instead. FML

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By chlorinesmells - United States

Today, a kid I taught to swim became my new boss, at the pool that I have worked at for nine years. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 04:01

Unfair

Today, I had to do a presentation. No one else in my group showed up, so I had to do it alone. I was given a failing grade for presenting by myself, and therefore not being a "team player". FML

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By Joey - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

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By DatAss

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

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By Disappointed

Today, my brother came up with what he thought was a genius idea for how to make money. I then had to explain to him that insurance fraud is illegal. FML

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By BurnBabyBurn - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

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By dumbass - United States

Today, I sprained my ankle trying to prove that I can walk in high heels. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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By bandcamp926 - United States

Today, after the two week winter break, I went back to school to find that the bookbag that I'd left in my car was covered in some creepy, pink gooey stuff. Under the freezing conditions, my lotion had exploded all over my notes and bag. FML

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By Anonymous

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML

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By lkvetched - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By turnedintoinsomniac - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

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Top comments

By kangx1 | 28

#6028099 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:47

Wow those people are so DIRTY :)

By buckdharma | 36

#6028100 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

Do you clean clocks?

COMMENTS

By SiRiSpartan | 12

#6028098 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:47

First! :D

Reply

awesomeamandas | 37

#6028101 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

no one cares

Reply

AllStache | 11

#6028102 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

This isn't YouTube get outta here.

Reply

SiRiSpartan | 12

#6028106 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:50

Ya well I care so you can fuck off

Reply

SiRiSpartan | 12

#6028107 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:51

Yeah*

Reply

Journiexo | 18

#6028108 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:52

And?

By kangx1 | 28

#6028099 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:47

Wow those people are so DIRTY :)

Reply

QQMorePlox | 18

#6028142 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:08

Go to your room to think about what you've done

Reply

BrettB321 | 15

#6028181 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 8:19

Buh-duh-tsss

Reply

loathingloser | 14

#6028194 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 8:41

Anyone see Nicki Minaj's anaconda video. Godamn!

Reply

Murkyy | 15

#6034829 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 5:52

That's one of the best puns ever maid.

By buckdharma | 36

#6028100 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

Do you clean clocks?

Reply

Zero_TAlent_ | 23

#6028400 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 15:24

I think we all read that wrong! Haha!! You got me friend!!

Reply

pessimistprime | 4

#6028752 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 21:29

I have a crack on my screen that goes right through the 'L' in clocks... yeah. :/

By SiRiSpartan | 12

#6028103 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:48

Let the thumbing down commence

Reply

SiRiSpartan | 12

#6028133 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:02

I had the first comment but it was erased in case you were wondering

By karatekid97 | 17

#6028104 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:49

I guess you're attracting the wrong type of maid....

Reply

Zerizle | 19

#6029729 - Thursday 7 August 2014 0:21

She wants to be a maid, not hire one.

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#6028105 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:49

Maybe try posting the ad on a different website? Also, maybe put an ad in the newspaper. Good luck. =)

Reply

Anata_fml | 10

#6028201 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 9:01

Different Country ... if applicable ...

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6028457 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 16:10

You'd think that by now people know to steer clear of craigslist.

By Slimma | 20

#6028109 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:52

I guess they think its all roleplay fantasy. ... weird.

By Journiexo | 18

#6028112 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:53

They need a good cleaning themselves

By tbro47 | 23

#6028113 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:54

I guess it's just one of those fantasies that most guys have. It's probably disgusting to you OP but if you posted your picture or anything like that with the ad it just means that many of the people that saw it found you attractive. Add the fact that you could be their maid, and it's instant fantasy land.

By Drskitz | 7

#6028123 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 6:58

Looks like you're in the wrong business.