Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week,...

By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38319

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Intimacy

Serious times

Messed up

Sounds lovely

By anonymous - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38000

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 02:02

What's your damage?

Today, I put my car in the garage last night so it wouldn't get damaged by a huge thunderstorm. Golf clubs fell on it while it was stowed away. FML

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1125

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306

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By Anonymous - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21009

You deserved it

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By Tanner - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38314

You deserved it

3654

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By idrow

Today, a bear dragged my neighbor's garbage across the street and stopped right in the middle of my front yard, where it proceeded to scatter the contents and have a feast. When it was finished, it took a massive dump on my lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2931

You deserved it

187

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

896

You deserved it

155

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By BeautifulDisastre - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29405

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I went to college, where I'm studying for my dream job. Despite getting up at 5am to catch the earliest bus into town, I arrived ten minutes late. My professor knows my circumstances, but is still threatening to kick me off the course if I don't "arrive on time like everyone else." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43723

You deserved it

7971

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By cmart_9 - United States - Clayton

Today, my girlfriend got a detention for public display of affection. We go to different schools. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60078

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4455

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By Anonymous - United States - Escondido

Today, I have the flu. I had to wash the dishes, cook dinner, take out the trash, and take care of the laundry, all while my wife sat around watching TV, because she was "too tired". I work 8 hours a day. She's a college student. She doesn't see what's so unfair about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42260

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36991

You deserved it

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By greaaaatt. - United States

Today, I found out that I get to spend the next two weeks at my grandparents house, which smells like cat litter, while the rest of my family takes a cruise through the Carribean. They can't afford to take a ninth person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41860

You deserved it

2911

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 05:01

Not prepared enough

Today, I had a maths test and I realised that I'd studied the wrong topics. The teacher said the test would be difficult and I stayed up till 1 a.m. just to be prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

646

You deserved it

459

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By Anonymous - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49106

You deserved it

2888

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By SailorVenus93 - 20/3/2020 06:00

Be reasonable, people

Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1980

You deserved it

116

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By yegworstdrivers - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell violently ill half an hour into a flight. I got sick so suddenly that I projectile vomited all over my clothes and the seat in front of me, and to top it all off, I also got diarrhea. Eight more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2599

You deserved it

168

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39281

You deserved it

7653

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By NO NO NO - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56311

You deserved it

5315

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By baron - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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131304

You deserved it

7539

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By nomoreart - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29326

You deserved it

5190

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By Looking4ajob - United States - Jackson

Today, I asked my manager what NSFW stands for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10504

You deserved it

4169

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By StillFriendless

Today, I was so desperate for a friend that I posted a Craigslist ad to find one. Now my phone's filled with spam and I still don't have any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9594

You deserved it

2767

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51910

You deserved it

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By lonerjik - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30041

You deserved it

10728

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By Dopeydancer - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36114

You deserved it

13001

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By Inthedumps - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44794

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Scared shitless

Today, I stayed after hours studying in the medical library. I was the only one left, and as I was leaving through the glass doors, I saw a person's reflection behind me. I screamed, jumped, fell into the doors, smashing my head. I'd actually seen the reflection of a medical demonstration dummy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34887

You deserved it

11946

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By wow - United States - Gilbert

Today, my boyfriend got angry and threatened to dump me, all because I wouldn't give in to his demands not to go to a birthday sleepover with my friends. He seriously thinks it's going to turn into some kind of lesbian orgy and that I'll cheat on him. Thanks, PornHub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57084

You deserved it

7167

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By ElaborateScheme - United States - Palm Beach Gardens

Today, I was feeling a little bored so I decided to go outside for once. Living in Florida is nice and all except for the fact that right now I'm putting ice over two snake bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12636

You deserved it

1117

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By flattened

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61521

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 05:02

Might never happen, love

Today, I was blocked by a girl I like. She said I was mean for not understanding why she hates when people tell her to smile. I worked as a waiter and hated when people told me to smile all the time. Yet I'm the one who doesn't understand, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1030

You deserved it

261

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35076

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16920

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By sliceddice - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39352

You deserved it

3714

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By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20479

You deserved it

3220

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By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36894

You deserved it

2496

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By my patience is starting to crack

Today, while working at a retail, I was checking on a customer who had been in one of the dressing rooms for over an hour. After knocking for 10 minutes, I unlocked the door myself, only to find the customer sitting on the floor, smoking crack. This isn't even the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3889

You deserved it

220

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21091

You deserved it

119426

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By leaaaa 223 - 14/7/2020 23:01

Take, is gift

Today, I woke up to yet another severed rat head next to my bed, which I have to dispose of yet again. Cats are seriously weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1196

You deserved it

273

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By Anonymous - United States - Ossining

Today, we buried my mom. I walked past my sister's husband just in time to hear him mutter: "Hope the fire's nice and hot down there, you old hag." I told my sister. She wouldn't believe me and accused me of trying to start drama. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26156

You deserved it

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By tryingtostealmyheart

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

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24049

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Top comments

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693325 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:04

If you're a girl, he's cool. If you're a guy, time to switch rooms?

By facefirst | 0

#693335 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:06

That blows.

COMMENTS

By giiiiinge | 0

#693311 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

DameGreyWulf | 0

#693360 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:13

LOL
Nice, nice, very nice.
[edit] Ah, the comment I replied to said "Dreams do cum true." Damn you, Faulty Comment System!

I wonder if he pretended it never happened because he didn't want you finding out or because he found himself oddly disturbed by how much he enjoyed it.
(And I mean the latter regardless of gender; think about if your friend (I would assume you'd be friends if you were room mates) just randomly came in, half asleep, and started giving you oral? Confusingly good)

skulldrix | 0

#705144 - Saturday 5 December 2009 1:14

LMAO!!!

giiiiinge | 0

#731369 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 12:11

ooh i was first and i didn't even notice :) at least this is one less FML that doesn't have FIIIIIIRST!!! as a comment -.- :L

PoopTrainDix | 0

#911665 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 20:10

are you a girl!?

megamuffin128 | 0

#979761 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 13:47

regardless of whether your a guy or a girl maybe your dreams are trying to tell you something

DemonicFatty | 2

#1160040 - Friday 30 July 2010 5:56

sleepover at my house

sexycourtcourt | 0

#1523200 - Saturday 9 October 2010 19:48

haha I've done that before lol it was hella funny

giorgi0202 | 9

#5697735 - Tuesday 1 October 2013 14:18

American girls are such whores they cant even stop sucking dick in their sleep

By giiiiinge | 0

#693315 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693325 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zoroark899 | 6

#4559248 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 23:35

Pretty sure it is a guy. I don't think they put opposite genders as roommates. :)

ahti546 | 11

#4692424 - Monday 16 July 2012 1:41

It may not be a college dorm, could just an apartment, in which case most don't care.

acciofrenchhorn | 16

#5866199 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:28

What I want to know is why it would be ok if they were a girl?

supersitter | 11

#5971729 - Wednesday 11 June 2014 3:20

You mean not if you're a girl/guy, but if you are interested in guys/girls, right?

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693331 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Clitastrophe | 0

#693334 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Clitastrophe | 0

#693343 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:09

I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with FML today. I just don't.

By facefirst | 0

#693335 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:06

That blows.

gods_hunter10 | 0

#840392 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 7:09

that is an oxiemoron... nice job *high fives*

imcannedfruit | 0

#874545 - Saturday 20 February 2010 5:48

You're so punny!!! :)

xxroseyxx | 0

#1507324 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 16:01

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha good one!

mayumm | 0

#1669069 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 1:40

WIN @ 6
&& look at the picture to ..... lol

cupcake10101 | 0

#2251096 - Sunday 27 March 2011 22:09

I love puns :)
and nice picture

almostalbino | 10

#2645579 - Thursday 9 June 2011 2:04

that's not an oxymoron... fail

dyschordia | 0

#2665813 - Sunday 12 June 2011 15:29

No - that's not an oxymoron. That's a pun. But I guess if you don't know how to spell the word you probably don't know how to define it, either...

h8rs_get_at_me | 4

#3845009 - Saturday 7 January 2012 15:12

105- i agree

mckibabe | 7

#4357258 - Thursday 26 April 2012 9:35

Yah your life really sucks.

By mykehawke | 0

#693338 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:07

you can be my roommate anytime 

weissesengel | 0

#2004087 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

idontcare8l | 3

#3310709 - Monday 19 September 2011 8:53

ahem let me correct you , smart!

By HunterB0y | 0

#693391 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By a192837465 | 0

#693393 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:25

wow that would be amazing. lol free blow jobs everynight and no worries

By MorlekEngel | 0

#693396 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:26

Damn.... Is he attractive? mmmmmm sleep sex...... Oral sex. Whatever.

By blland | 0

#693414 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:36

your life is a dream.