Intimacy: Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week,...

By chacha - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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38340

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Serious times

A tad unfair

By Fired

We could be heroes…

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

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31961

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By SnuggieOverload - United States

Today, I finally found out that someone had stolen my debit card and maxed it out. The good news? Whoever it was forgot to change the address on the card, so everything they bought online has been shipped to me. The bad news? I've received 16 snuggies so far, and I'm still counting. FML

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48748

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By spockswifey - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband who asked for a divorce four days ago announced his engagement on Facebook. His new woman's profile picture is my engagement ring. FML

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49681

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2021 20:02 - Germany

Today, on Hoarders…

Today, my mom’s house is so dirty and cluttered, there's hardly any space left for actually living in it. Two months ago, she intended to finally organize and tidy up. Now, she's bought a trailer and is simply moving into that instead. FML

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763

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2021 02:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

How could you?

Today, I saw the Steelers throw the game to the Browns. I get it, you don't want to go to the Superbowl, but could you try being more realistic than staged wrestling? FML

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260

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By knee pain - United States

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

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72969

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By caughttt - United States

Never cross the streams

Today, I drove my ex-boyfriend home from dropping his car at the garage for new tires. On the way, I drove past my house where my boyfriend was sitting in the driveway ready to surprise me. My boyfriend watched us drive by. FML

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By aherdofpigs - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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50013

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By Alwayshappens2me - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

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42235

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By Local Welsh

Today, my husband's cousin told me it's a tradition that I should have sex with the eldest male cousin (him) as a rite of passage, and I probably don't know this being of foreign origin. I emigrated here and met my husband when we were 6. FML

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3616

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By tsukinoie - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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45531

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By Normal - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

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36164

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By threw my underwear out too - United States - Hyde Park

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

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5765

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

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58669

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3527

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By LittleRed - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29889

You deserved it

4244

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By henley

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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11702

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33420

You deserved it

2795

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By ShadowJack - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. She didnt look away and we stared at each other for a while; then she asked me what I wanted from McDonalds. FML

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41299

You deserved it

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By John

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

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37570

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By sis - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4929

You deserved it

283

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By serverdessert - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48457

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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42540

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35362

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By my arms hurt - United States - San Diego

Phone holder

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1133

You deserved it

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By firemansam - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Advent calendar time!

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16516

You deserved it

29651

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By nametag - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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50774

You deserved it

3909

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By rejected - United States

Smoke signals

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1508

You deserved it

200

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By p!$$3D0FF - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8904

You deserved it

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By reptar2009 - United States

Today, my parents found cigarettes in my car. After a long argument lasting over an hour, I convinced them that they weren't mine and that I don't smoke. A few minutes later, I went to work. Guess who decided to visit me during my smoke break. FML

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8377

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By Anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34898

You deserved it

2629

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By sadwife - United States

Today, I woke up and my husband said he got me a gift for our 1 year anniversary and it was on the table. We laid around cuddling and when I finally got up I was expecting to walk out to beautiful bouquet of flowers. I got two pack of cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47538

You deserved it

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By StarDust5921 - United States - Utica

Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12772

You deserved it

2146

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By spellbound - Australia - Perth

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38490

You deserved it

4079

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By ray - Canada

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32476

You deserved it

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By chicoallen - United States

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27888

You deserved it

2205

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

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63009

You deserved it

10922

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By Anonymous

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2290

That could've happened to me

256

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

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5440

You deserved it

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Top comments

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693325 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:04

If you're a girl, he's cool. If you're a guy, time to switch rooms?

By facefirst | 0

#693335 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:06

That blows.

COMMENTS

By giiiiinge | 0

#693311 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

DameGreyWulf | 0

#693360 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:13

LOL
Nice, nice, very nice.
[edit] Ah, the comment I replied to said "Dreams do cum true." Damn you, Faulty Comment System!

I wonder if he pretended it never happened because he didn't want you finding out or because he found himself oddly disturbed by how much he enjoyed it.
(And I mean the latter regardless of gender; think about if your friend (I would assume you'd be friends if you were room mates) just randomly came in, half asleep, and started giving you oral? Confusingly good)

skulldrix | 0

#705144 - Saturday 5 December 2009 1:14

LMAO!!!

giiiiinge | 0

#731369 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 12:11

ooh i was first and i didn't even notice :) at least this is one less FML that doesn't have FIIIIIIRST!!! as a comment -.- :L

PoopTrainDix | 0

#911665 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 20:10

are you a girl!?

megamuffin128 | 0

#979761 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 13:47

regardless of whether your a guy or a girl maybe your dreams are trying to tell you something

DemonicFatty | 2

#1160040 - Friday 30 July 2010 5:56

sleepover at my house

sexycourtcourt | 0

#1523200 - Saturday 9 October 2010 19:48

haha I've done that before lol it was hella funny

giorgi0202 | 9

#5697735 - Tuesday 1 October 2013 14:18

American girls are such whores they cant even stop sucking dick in their sleep

By giiiiinge | 0

#693315 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:01

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693325 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Zoroark899 | 6

#4559248 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 23:35

Pretty sure it is a guy. I don't think they put opposite genders as roommates. :)

ahti546 | 11

#4692424 - Monday 16 July 2012 1:41

It may not be a college dorm, could just an apartment, in which case most don't care.

acciofrenchhorn | 16

#5866199 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:28

What I want to know is why it would be ok if they were a girl?

supersitter | 11

#5971729 - Wednesday 11 June 2014 3:20

You mean not if you're a girl/guy, but if you are interested in guys/girls, right?

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693331 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Clitastrophe | 0

#693334 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Clitastrophe | 0

#693343 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:09

I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with FML today. I just don't.

By facefirst | 0

#693335 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:06

That blows.

gods_hunter10 | 0

#840392 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 7:09

that is an oxiemoron... nice job *high fives*

imcannedfruit | 0

#874545 - Saturday 20 February 2010 5:48

You're so punny!!! :)

xxroseyxx | 0

#1507324 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 16:01

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha good one!

mayumm | 0

#1669069 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 1:40

WIN @ 6
&& look at the picture to ..... lol

cupcake10101 | 0

#2251096 - Sunday 27 March 2011 22:09

I love puns :)
and nice picture

almostalbino | 10

#2645579 - Thursday 9 June 2011 2:04

that's not an oxymoron... fail

dyschordia | 0

#2665813 - Sunday 12 June 2011 15:29

No - that's not an oxymoron. That's a pun. But I guess if you don't know how to spell the word you probably don't know how to define it, either...

h8rs_get_at_me | 4

#3845009 - Saturday 7 January 2012 15:12

105- i agree

mckibabe | 7

#4357258 - Thursday 26 April 2012 9:35

Yah your life really sucks.

By mykehawke | 0

#693338 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:07

you can be my roommate anytime 

weissesengel | 0

#2004087 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:22

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

idontcare8l | 3

#3310709 - Monday 19 September 2011 8:53

ahem let me correct you , smart!

By HunterB0y | 0

#693391 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:24

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By a192837465 | 0

#693393 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:25

wow that would be amazing. lol free blow jobs everynight and no worries

By MorlekEngel | 0

#693396 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:26

Damn.... Is he attractive? mmmmmm sleep sex...... Oral sex. Whatever.

By blland | 0

#693414 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:36

your life is a dream.