Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week,...

By chacha - 28/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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38295

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Intimacy

Insane parents

Live dumping

Rich people problems

By catwithwatermelononhead - 21/1/2018 19:00

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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4087

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By unboned - 11/5/2016 17:30 - United States - Katy

Fetishes come in all sizes

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

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18355

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2011 05:21 - Canada

Today, my boss called me into his office. Expecting a long overdue promotion, I hurried in. Instead, he told me he thought I would be perfect to take his son on a pity date, because he is at a suicide risk from depression. FML

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By sadgirl - 16/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML

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By ThisChick - 6/7/2016 17:59 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

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By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2013 07:09 - China - Shanghai

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

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By synn - 24/2/2010 05:19 - Singapore

Today, I went for a job briefing, and after that was told to do some editing for them. When I asked the person whether I was paid for the day, she laughed and said no. She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

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By yudencow - 18/9/2019 18:00

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, I contemplated the ratio of cats I have to friends I have. I need more friends. FML

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By JessMelodique - 14/12/2016 03:01

Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 05:00

Captain Dumbass

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

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By techiefIve - 14/6/2011 10:04 - United States

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

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By fuckface moron - 20/6/2020 02:17

Face value

Today, it was was my first day back at work as an esthetician. My first client refused to remove her face mask so I could perform the service. She demanded I just do her forehead, and that she’d only pay a third of the price since she’s only getting that part done. I refused and was written up by management. FML

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By disappoint - 8/12/2011 09:14 - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

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By horniness - 10/10/2009 16:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 21:54

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By pissedexworker - 18/12/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML

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By webperson04 - 27/7/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By CityGirl - 17/7/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By Chat - 4/3/2018 19:00

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

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By Lespoon - 25/2/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my mom drove my family to the desert for a themed family photo. We had to wear big frumpy old western-looking clothes in 115 degree weather. Hot and agitated, I muttered, "This is the ugliest thing I've ever had to wear." My mom, looking hurt, replied, "That's my wedding dress." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 01:46 - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

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By pantsareathing - 13/6/2015 17:10 - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, my dad has apparently decided that it's too much of a bother to put clothes on when he gets out of bed. He's been walking around in his tighty-whiteys for hours now. FML

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By imcold - 30/12/2013 07:32 - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By shreking_bawl - 14/11/2014 18:39 - Norway

Today, one of my debate opponents used the "Bill O'Reilly defense" against my arguments. This involved saying "You can't explain that" about easily explained stuff, and speaking louder and louder to drown out my voice. He ended up getting a better grade than mine. FML

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By ImNotFat - 7/8/2013 06:04 - United States - Havertown

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML

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By Lindsey - 24/5/2014 15:22 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. I had pulled out of my three point turn in a neighborhood and started driving again, thinking something wasn't quite right. The lady testing me looked over at me and said, "Sweetie, you're driving on the wrong side of the road." FML

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By Andy - 18/11/2008 21:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a smoke out on the balcony of my apartment. When I was walking back into the house, I walked straight into the large glass sliding door, loudly whacking it with my forehead, subsequently waking up my 2 other flatmates at 2.30am. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, i was trying to be sexy and sent my new bf a nude. Before we started dating I had hooked up with three of his friends which he was super insecure about. Somehow I accidentally sent it to a group chat which included five different people besides us. All of those friends were in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 21:27 - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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By nobodylovesme - 4/4/2013 06:46 - United States - Northridge

Today, it was my wedding day. Three people showed up. My mom, my dad, and the priest. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 01:16 - United States

Today, I was sick and laid up in bed, and my boyfriend decided to bring me some soup. Just as he reached the bed, he tripped over his own feet and spilled the soup all over me. FML

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By izhamilton - 20/2/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

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By anonymous - 1/10/2011 14:18 - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

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By the_emilymohr - 28/3/2020 23:00

Gourmet dinner

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

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By NonBelieber - 18/9/2013 04:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 01:55 - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

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Top comments

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693325 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:04

If you're a girl, he's cool. If you're a guy, time to switch rooms?

By facefirst | 0

#693335 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:06

That blows.

COMMENTS

By giiiiinge | 0

#693311 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

DameGreyWulf | 0

#693360 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:13

LOL
Nice, nice, very nice.
[edit] Ah, the comment I replied to said "Dreams do cum true." Damn you, Faulty Comment System!

I wonder if he pretended it never happened because he didn't want you finding out or because he found himself oddly disturbed by how much he enjoyed it.
(And I mean the latter regardless of gender; think about if your friend (I would assume you'd be friends if you were room mates) just randomly came in, half asleep, and started giving you oral? Confusingly good)

skulldrix | 0

#705144 - Saturday 5 December 2009 1:14

LMAO!!!

giiiiinge | 0

#731369 - Tuesday 22 December 2009 12:11

ooh i was first and i didn't even notice :) at least this is one less FML that doesn't have FIIIIIIRST!!! as a comment -.- :L

PoopTrainDix | 0

#911665 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 20:10

are you a girl!?

megamuffin128 | 0

#979761 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 13:47

regardless of whether your a guy or a girl maybe your dreams are trying to tell you something

DemonicFatty | 2

#1160040 - Friday 30 July 2010 5:56

sleepover at my house

sexycourtcourt | 0

#1523200 - Saturday 9 October 2010 19:48

haha I've done that before lol it was hella funny

giorgi0202 | 9

#5697735 - Tuesday 1 October 2013 14:18

American girls are such whores they cant even stop sucking dick in their sleep

By giiiiinge | 0

#693315 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693325 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Zoroark899 | 6

#4559248 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 23:35

Pretty sure it is a guy. I don't think they put opposite genders as roommates. :)

ahti546 | 11

#4692424 - Monday 16 July 2012 1:41

It may not be a college dorm, could just an apartment, in which case most don't care.

acciofrenchhorn | 16

#5866199 - Sunday 23 February 2014 5:28

What I want to know is why it would be ok if they were a girl?

supersitter | 11

#5971729 - Wednesday 11 June 2014 3:20

You mean not if you're a girl/guy, but if you are interested in guys/girls, right?

By Clitastrophe | 0

#693331 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Clitastrophe | 0

#693334 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Clitastrophe | 0

#693343 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:09

I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with FML today. I just don't.

By facefirst | 0

#693335 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:06

That blows.

gods_hunter10 | 0

#840392 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 7:09

that is an oxiemoron... nice job *high fives*

imcannedfruit | 0

#874545 - Saturday 20 February 2010 5:48

You're so punny!!! :)

xxroseyxx | 0

#1507324 - Wednesday 6 October 2010 16:01

ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha good one!

mayumm | 0

#1669069 - Tuesday 9 November 2010 1:40

WIN @ 6
&& look at the picture to ..... lol

cupcake10101 | 0

#2251096 - Sunday 27 March 2011 22:09

I love puns :)
and nice picture

almostalbino | 10

#2645579 - Thursday 9 June 2011 2:04

that's not an oxymoron... fail

dyschordia | 0

#2665813 - Sunday 12 June 2011 15:29

No - that's not an oxymoron. That's a pun. But I guess if you don't know how to spell the word you probably don't know how to define it, either...

h8rs_get_at_me | 4

#3845009 - Saturday 7 January 2012 15:12

105- i agree

mckibabe | 7

#4357258 - Thursday 26 April 2012 9:35

Yah your life really sucks.

By mykehawke | 0

#693338 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:07

you can be my roommate anytime 

weissesengel | 0

#2004087 - Tuesday 25 January 2011 0:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

idontcare8l | 3

#3310709 - Monday 19 September 2011 8:53

ahem let me correct you , smart!

By HunterB0y | 0

#693391 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By a192837465 | 0

#693393 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:25

wow that would be amazing. lol free blow jobs everynight and no worries

By MorlekEngel | 0

#693396 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:26

Damn.... Is he attractive? mmmmmm sleep sex...... Oral sex. Whatever.

By blland | 0

#693414 - Saturday 28 November 2009 23:36

your life is a dream.