Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends... - FML

By rainydays79 - 23/1/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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Crowded House

Fear factor

Yappy neighborhood

By babylove - 11/4/2014 21:58 - South Africa

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

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By CapNCook - 24/7/2013 09:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, a co-worker verbally abused me because I yawned. His excuse was that, "It's contagious". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 02:55 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

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By curseyousuperman - 1/4/2015 16:20 - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

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By cousin of the groom - 7/8/2018 01:30

Today, I stood too fast, got dizzy, and fell over. I fell on the grandmother of the bride, pushing her into the wedding cake table. Cake ruined, grandmother in hospital for a broken arm, and everybody mad at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2014 09:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wooden floor gave me a splinter on the bottom of my foot. I don't have the flexibility nor the eyesight to find it. FML

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By levit - 8/6/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 14:53 - United States - Pekin

Today, I was at a football game with my boyfriend. I said my hands were getting cold, hoping he'd hold them. He replied, "Uh, they make pockets for a reason..." and physically showed me how to put my hands in my pockets. FML

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By MrsKSB - 11/11/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

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By Moody - 28/10/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

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By washed - 11/10/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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By Job Seeking - 22/1/2013 11:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

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By shelly - 8/3/2012 22:23 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

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By jeffnn - 24/12/2016 04:18 - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 18/5/2019 12:30

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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By not a dumbass pothead - 8/4/2014 22:04 - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 04:01

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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By R281780 - 14/2/2016 15:53 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

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By Lewis - 4/9/2010 11:02 - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

She dared to say ...

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

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By tango-c - 17/3/2016 19:56 - United States - Parker

Today, I sent a cover letter in which I bragged about my exceptional attention to detail. After it was sent, I noticed the company name and address were from a different job application. FML

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By Hotsauce887 - 29/3/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By aelia_oups - 31/12/2013 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

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By achoo - 27/4/2009 12:52 - United States

Today, I brought back the puppy I adopted for my family. I spent months doing all the research on puppy care with two young children, and at least five hundred dollars for the dog, the supplies, toys... the whole bit. Turns out everyone's allergic to her. FML

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By TBaggins00 - 21/6/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, as I was texting a friend, I was going to warm up some cold pizza. As I got finished with a text I put the pizza in the microwave and set the timer. After the timer ran out, I opened the door and smelled burnt plastic. Turns out phones aren't meant to be in the microwave. FML

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By roadkill0321 - 7/11/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By BlackRavenWings - 21/11/2010 22:36 - United States

Today, I noticed a picture in an elderly patients room, of a pretty girl in a bikini. Trying to be funny and lighten the mood, I said, "Looks like you have some good eye candy to help you recover faster." With a stern look he replied, "That's my granddaughter." FML

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By Cat Piss - 15/12/2013 16:58 - United States - Lavon

Today, I was woken up to the sound of my cat peeing on the pillow next to mine. When I yelled at him, he jumped over my face and off the bed. He was still peeing the entire time. FML

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - 30/7/2014 04:41 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By thanksfyi - 2/7/2011 21:51 - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

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By tomcat69 - 11/7/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year old son's request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn't have friends sleep over. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

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By jab43 - 23/7/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 20:00

Silver linings

Today, I went to a dispensary to find relief for my chronic back pain. Turns out THC and my anxiety don't mix. I've been freaking out/paranoid/hyper diligent all night. I'm out $200, but at least thanks to my panic, I forgot my back pain. FML

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By zaneey - 17/1/2009 18:41 - Australia

Today, I decided to quit smoking and put on a nicotine patch. I decided to have one last cigarette and ended up sick at the doctors with nicotine poisoning. FML

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By Craig Thompson - 20/4/2017 21:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

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By balls - 2/10/2015 05:49 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

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Top comments

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#794032 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Among your group of friends? You really think your soloness is exclusive to that group? I think you're probably just straight up alone there

By intensitive | 11

#794034 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Do you cry after flushing away your friends?

Comments

By Thefog | 0

#794019 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:06

first!

Reply

christa953 | 12

#1009706 - Friday 28 May 2010 2:22

wtf is wrong with you?? I don't think you deserve friends

Reply

NickPortrayed | 0

#1010359 - Friday 28 May 2010 17:08

these "im a loser, pity me" FMLs are driving me fucking crazy

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#1026990 - Friday 11 June 2010 3:51

he's names the cleveland

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1155598 - Thursday 29 July 2010 7:12

correction- you are the only person in the WORLD who names their bowel movements

Reply

MaeeFlowers | 0

#1279381 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:01

#149

Your comment made me laugh.

and seriously? Why would you think it wired that they don't? YOU'RE THE FREAK IN THIS SITUATION. I hope your friends never find out.

Reply

OwN3d3d | 0

#2740779 - Thursday 23 June 2011 6:36

i think u may be the only one in the world that does that o.O

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3115848 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:19

150= common sense

Reply

spaerro | 8

#3141493 - Friday 19 August 2011 21:27

Your roommate put up an FML for this, OP.

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#3524186 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 13:58

Takin a develyn

Reply

ohmylanta22 | 5

#3550923 - Sunday 6 November 2011 20:05

187, I love that movie!

Reply

CrazyV | 22

#3654316 - Monday 28 November 2011 22:15

Completely agree with you. wtf. thats so disgusting

Reply

kenleybunch | 15

#5214054 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 17:49

You're probably the only person in Pennsylvania who names your bowel movements.

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5329147 - Friday 18 January 2013 7:31

Are you Sheldon Cooper?

By ClaireXX | 0

#794020 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:07

well... everyone has quirks. I have never heard of this one, but everyone has a strange habit or two. Don't feel bad. :)

Reply

beccartist | 1

#794031 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

a strange habit? it's plain gross to name your dumps.

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#794177 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:00

My next one is gonna be "rainydays79"....

Reply

HoesInaBox | 0

#794406 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:37

what happens if you have diarrhea?

Reply

HeresReality | 0

#794875 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:55

I agree with #5

why did you even bring this up? perhaps you should have just posted "I'm retarded FML"

Reply

wandaax03 | 0

#795608 - Sunday 24 January 2010 15:50

hahaha! girlygirl666 wins

Reply

anonymsspermdonr | 0

#797205 - Monday 25 January 2010 7:51

i just got done dropping midas 22 in the big porcelain bowl and in five minutes will be pushing out a load that i am probably gonna name the punisher because i ate peanuts earlier.

Reply

anonymsspermdonr | 0

#797213 - Monday 25 January 2010 7:59

actually nvm, i had to name it "the slippery satan" because instead of being solid it was liquid fire

Reply

nurgletr0n | 0

#799545 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:00

that is soo nasty but the names, they are fucking hilarious!

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#980407 - Friday 16 April 2010 17:00

ummm wow

Reply

krispybacon4321 | 23

#6190720 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 0:51

@57, it shall be named squirt.

By ICallKyo | 3

#794024 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:07

probably because that's disgusting.

Reply

princev | 0

#2363529 - Sunday 17 April 2011 19:17

exactly

Reply

KatherineAnne | 7

#4345799 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:21

Ya think? O_o

By Tuptup_fml | 0

#794029 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:08

Then I'm obviously not your friend.

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#794032 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Among your group of friends? You really think your soloness is exclusive to that group? I think you're probably just straight up alone there

By intensitive | 11

#794034 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Do you cry after flushing away your friends?

Reply

DikkeMelkers | 0

#794229 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:15

Lmfao.

Reply

F_ur_life_douche | 0

#794415 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:45

holy shit! he flushed Johnny! o god and Billy too!

Reply

MizzMe | 0

#795128 - Sunday 24 January 2010 8:04

lmao... Im literally laughing right now... haha

Reply

Amortenia | 0

#796649 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:53

Lol! Win.

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983632 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:17

lol 58

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#4074705 - Thursday 23 February 2012 0:44

Oh my god, you flushed Kenny

Reply

Scarlettkiss | 8

#4626845 - Thursday 28 June 2012 19:43

Lol soo funny

By Horney4her69 | 0

#794050 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:13

your group is the whole world population on this one.

By GermanKat | 1

#794061 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:16

looooooool #6 !!!!!!

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#794064 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:18

OP, get help!

By ily1210 | 10

#794071 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:21

thats disgusting!
who does that?