Miscellaneous: Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends... - FML

By rainydays79 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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Triage

Empathy

The past that suits you best

By jwz - Netherlands

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

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By likearacehorse - United States - Franklin Lakes

Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML

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By FUCKFACECUNT - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

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By EaglEye

Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

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By dinosaur - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

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By Queerbait - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By Mina

Today, my son came home from school with a catastrophic report card. When I asked him for explanations, he replied, "I'm hesitating between family environment and heredity." FML

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By off to the whorehouse, then - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2020 13:58

You dingdong!

Today, I was copying an assignment from my friend and was feeling confident that I was gonna pass. I later found out I copied his name too, so the teacher failed us both. He won't talk to me now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

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By justdoingmyjob - United States

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from her study abroad a week ago. FML

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By sketchball - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By Charlie8u347 - United States

Snow day

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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By unlucky - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

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By assumed

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

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By banned - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

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By thanksad - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

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By hulio88

Today, after years of hard work, I had an interview at the highest ranking university in the world 800 miles from where I live. It snowed heavily for the last 2 days closing every road, railway, and airport causing me to miss the interview. There is no rescheduling. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

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By Nickel

Today, my mom's friend came over. She brought her son and claimed that we could have bonding time. I ended up chasing the five-year-old around the house for an hour. After they'd left, my mom saw that the little kid had broken a lamp and a clock. She then said I had to pay for it using my money. FML

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By freezingtodeath - United States

Today, I ran into Target's dressing rooms to try pants on, leaving my full cart outside. An employee thought it had been left there, and took it to put the stuff back. My coat, hat, gloves were in it. I had to walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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By good job bf - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

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By captainlame - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

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By MommyLovesMe - United States

Today, I learned why my credit score is so low. My mom stole my identity almost three years ago. Her excuse? "You didn't need good credit for anything anyways". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML

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By feelthesting - Mexico - Aguascalientes

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By -_-" - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

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By Max - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

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By "Kaluhaluha"

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

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By ACAB - Australia

Officer McGiggles

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

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By Arthur B.

Adapt, improvise, overcome

Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML

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Top comments

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#794032 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Among your group of friends? You really think your soloness is exclusive to that group? I think you're probably just straight up alone there

By intensitive | 11

#794034 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Do you cry after flushing away your friends?

COMMENTS

By Thefog | 0

#794019 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:06

first!

Reply

christa953 | 12

#1009706 - Friday 28 May 2010 2:22

wtf is wrong with you?? I don't think you deserve friends

Reply

NickPortrayed | 0

#1010359 - Friday 28 May 2010 17:08

these "im a loser, pity me" FMLs are driving me fucking crazy

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#1026990 - Friday 11 June 2010 3:51

he's names the cleveland

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1155598 - Thursday 29 July 2010 7:12

correction- you are the only person in the WORLD who names their bowel movements

Reply

MaeeFlowers | 0

#1279381 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:01

#149

Your comment made me laugh.

and seriously? Why would you think it wired that they don't? YOU'RE THE FREAK IN THIS SITUATION. I hope your friends never find out.

Reply

OwN3d3d | 0

#2740779 - Thursday 23 June 2011 6:36

i think u may be the only one in the world that does that o.O

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3115848 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:19

150= common sense

Reply

spaerro | 8

#3141493 - Friday 19 August 2011 21:27

Your roommate put up an FML for this, OP.

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#3524186 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 13:58

Takin a develyn

Reply

ohmylanta22 | 5

#3550923 - Sunday 6 November 2011 20:05

187, I love that movie!

Reply

CrazyV | 22

#3654316 - Monday 28 November 2011 22:15

Completely agree with you. wtf. thats so disgusting

Reply

kenleybunch | 15

#5214054 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 17:49

You're probably the only person in Pennsylvania who names your bowel movements.

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5329147 - Friday 18 January 2013 7:31

Are you Sheldon Cooper?

By ClaireXX | 0

#794020 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:07

well... everyone has quirks. I have never heard of this one, but everyone has a strange habit or two. Don't feel bad. :)

Reply

beccartist | 1

#794031 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

a strange habit? it's plain gross to name your dumps.

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#794177 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:00

My next one is gonna be "rainydays79"....

Reply

HoesInaBox | 0

#794406 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:37

what happens if you have diarrhea?

Reply

HeresReality | 0

#794875 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:55

I agree with #5

why did you even bring this up? perhaps you should have just posted "I'm retarded FML"

Reply

wandaax03 | 0

#795608 - Sunday 24 January 2010 15:50

hahaha! girlygirl666 wins

Reply

anonymsspermdonr | 0

#797205 - Monday 25 January 2010 7:51

i just got done dropping midas 22 in the big porcelain bowl and in five minutes will be pushing out a load that i am probably gonna name the punisher because i ate peanuts earlier.

Reply

anonymsspermdonr | 0

#797213 - Monday 25 January 2010 7:59

actually nvm, i had to name it "the slippery satan" because instead of being solid it was liquid fire

Reply

nurgletr0n | 0

#799545 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:00

that is soo nasty but the names, they are fucking hilarious!

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#980407 - Friday 16 April 2010 17:00

ummm wow

Reply

krispybacon4321 | 23

#6190720 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 0:51

@57, it shall be named squirt.

By ICallKyo | 3

#794024 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:07

probably because that's disgusting.

Reply

princev | 0

#2363529 - Sunday 17 April 2011 19:17

exactly

Reply

KatherineAnne | 7

#4345799 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:21

Ya think? O_o

By Tuptup_fml | 0

#794029 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:08

Then I'm obviously not your friend.

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#794032 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Among your group of friends? You really think your soloness is exclusive to that group? I think you're probably just straight up alone there

By intensitive | 11

#794034 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Do you cry after flushing away your friends?

Reply

DikkeMelkers | 0

#794229 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:15

Lmfao.

Reply

F_ur_life_douche | 0

#794415 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:45

holy shit! he flushed Johnny! o god and Billy too!

Reply

MizzMe | 0

#795128 - Sunday 24 January 2010 8:04

lmao... Im literally laughing right now... haha

Reply

Amortenia | 0

#796649 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:53

Lol! Win.

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983632 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:17

lol 58

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#4074705 - Thursday 23 February 2012 0:44

Oh my god, you flushed Kenny

Reply

Scarlettkiss | 8

#4626845 - Thursday 28 June 2012 19:43

Lol soo funny

By Horney4her69 | 0

#794050 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:13

your group is the whole world population on this one.

By GermanKat | 1

#794061 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:16

looooooool #6 !!!!!!

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#794064 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:18

OP, get help!

By ily1210 | 10

#794071 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:21

thats disgusting!
who does that?