Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends... - FML

By rainydays79 - 23/1/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

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Tense

Gas giant

Overbearing much?

By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 01:00

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

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By sadsenior - 13/3/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was excited because I was going to get my college decisions back. I put all of the letters in order of my preference. Didn't get into my first choice. Denied from my second choice. Rejected from my third choice. Wait listed on my back-up. Accepted for a job at Target. FML

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By 11lyss1 - 23/5/2011 04:26

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

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By kandi - 4/5/2009 07:34 - Philippines

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I decided to sit on the glass case protecting cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2018 19:00

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

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By worksux - 5/1/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 16:33 - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 00:10 - United States

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

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By anonymous - 24/5/2016 03:41 - United States - Manchester

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2015 05:35

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

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By heartbroken - 4/12/2013 18:39 - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

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By birthdayboy - 19/6/2019 16:22

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

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By seachelle - 7/5/2019 20:00

Today, the guy I've been seeing posted about having relationship problems and arguments with his girl. I've been in the hospital for surgery for the past few days and have been unable to talk to him. Before this, he told me I was the only one. Guess not. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - 3/9/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

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By emma209 - 24/1/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

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By rach - 19/5/2013 22:33 - United States - Roy

Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML

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By aces10 - 25/1/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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By off-balance - 16/1/2016 15:00 - Finland

Today, as I was trying to get off a crowded train, some asshole pushed past me hard enough to nearly knock me over. My bag hit a preschool kid standing behind me, and I missed my stop trying to apologize to him. His mom yelled at me all the way to the next stop. FML

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By "ali927truthh" - 12/1/2020 03:00

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By - 5/1/2020 03:00

Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By Sarah - 17/12/2012 12:25 - United States - Statesboro

Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I caught him installing cameras in my bathroom. FML

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By Gem - 5/4/2013 11:04 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 02:02

Mind your beeswax, Karen

Today, I was carrying some bags out of a store, and my shirt had scooted up a little. I had no free hands, so I ignored it. A woman stopped me to tell me that bare midriffs are only attractive on skinny girls, "not fat ones." I'm 6 months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 08:03 - United States

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By internetadvice - 1/4/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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By marz88 - 24/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

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By adopted apparently - 23/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

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By hobosarea-holes - 14/8/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, I picked up a penny off the street for good luck on my job interview. A few seconds later, a hobo beat me up, took my wallet, and ran off. The whole ordeal made me late for the interview. So much for good luck. FML

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By disappointedjamaican - 31/8/2014 18:44 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

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By leftoutdrunk - 5/5/2012 18:12 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

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By Audrey - 21/7/2020 14:01

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

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By nottililgirl - 4/9/2009 03:24 - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By TommyNoFeet - 4/12/2017 06:00

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By God the smell - 9/8/2018 22:00

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

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By Ouch - 12/8/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By sbutler - 14/7/2011 20:14 - United States

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

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Top comments

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#794032 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Among your group of friends? You really think your soloness is exclusive to that group? I think you're probably just straight up alone there

By intensitive | 11

#794034 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Do you cry after flushing away your friends?

COMMENTS

By Thefog | 0

#794019 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:06

first!

Reply

christa953 | 12

#1009706 - Friday 28 May 2010 2:22

wtf is wrong with you?? I don't think you deserve friends

Reply

NickPortrayed | 0

#1010359 - Friday 28 May 2010 17:08

these "im a loser, pity me" FMLs are driving me fucking crazy

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#1026990 - Friday 11 June 2010 3:51

he's names the cleveland

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1155598 - Thursday 29 July 2010 7:12

correction- you are the only person in the WORLD who names their bowel movements

Reply

MaeeFlowers | 0

#1279381 - Saturday 21 August 2010 11:01

#149

Your comment made me laugh.

and seriously? Why would you think it wired that they don't? YOU'RE THE FREAK IN THIS SITUATION. I hope your friends never find out.

Reply

OwN3d3d | 0

#2740779 - Thursday 23 June 2011 6:36

i think u may be the only one in the world that does that o.O

Reply

EvilCupcake8361 | 9

#3115848 - Tuesday 16 August 2011 2:19

150= common sense

Reply

spaerro | 8

#3141493 - Friday 19 August 2011 21:27

Your roommate put up an FML for this, OP.

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#3524186 - Tuesday 1 November 2011 13:58

Takin a develyn

Reply

ohmylanta22 | 5

#3550923 - Sunday 6 November 2011 20:05

187, I love that movie!

Reply

CrazyV | 22

#3654316 - Monday 28 November 2011 22:15

Completely agree with you. wtf. thats so disgusting

Reply

kenleybunch | 15

#5214054 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 17:49

You're probably the only person in Pennsylvania who names your bowel movements.

Reply

lolfood | 24

#5329147 - Friday 18 January 2013 7:31

Are you Sheldon Cooper?

By ClaireXX | 0

#794020 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:07

well... everyone has quirks. I have never heard of this one, but everyone has a strange habit or two. Don't feel bad. :)

Reply

beccartist | 1

#794031 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

a strange habit? it's plain gross to name your dumps.

Reply

girlygirl666 | 0

#794177 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:00

My next one is gonna be "rainydays79"....

Reply

HoesInaBox | 0

#794406 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:37

what happens if you have diarrhea?

Reply

HeresReality | 0

#794875 - Sunday 24 January 2010 5:55

I agree with #5

why did you even bring this up? perhaps you should have just posted "I'm retarded FML"

Reply

wandaax03 | 0

#795608 - Sunday 24 January 2010 15:50

hahaha! girlygirl666 wins

Reply

anonymsspermdonr | 0

#797205 - Monday 25 January 2010 7:51

i just got done dropping midas 22 in the big porcelain bowl and in five minutes will be pushing out a load that i am probably gonna name the punisher because i ate peanuts earlier.

Reply

anonymsspermdonr | 0

#797213 - Monday 25 January 2010 7:59

actually nvm, i had to name it "the slippery satan" because instead of being solid it was liquid fire

Reply

nurgletr0n | 0

#799545 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:00

that is soo nasty but the names, they are fucking hilarious!

Reply

vollyball921 | 0

#980407 - Friday 16 April 2010 17:00

ummm wow

Reply

krispybacon4321 | 23

#6190720 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 0:51

@57, it shall be named squirt.

By ICallKyo | 3

#794024 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:07

probably because that's disgusting.

Reply

princev | 0

#2363529 - Sunday 17 April 2011 19:17

exactly

Reply

KatherineAnne | 7

#4345799 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:21

Ya think? O_o

By Tuptup_fml | 0

#794029 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:08

Then I'm obviously not your friend.

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#794032 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Among your group of friends? You really think your soloness is exclusive to that group? I think you're probably just straight up alone there

By intensitive | 11

#794034 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:09

Do you cry after flushing away your friends?

Reply

DikkeMelkers | 0

#794229 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:15

Lmfao.

Reply

F_ur_life_douche | 0

#794415 - Sunday 24 January 2010 1:45

holy shit! he flushed Johnny! o god and Billy too!

Reply

MizzMe | 0

#795128 - Sunday 24 January 2010 8:04

lmao... Im literally laughing right now... haha

Reply

Amortenia | 0

#796649 - Monday 25 January 2010 1:53

Lol! Win.

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983632 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 5:17

lol 58

Reply

P374RD3D | 9

#4074705 - Thursday 23 February 2012 0:44

Oh my god, you flushed Kenny

Reply

Scarlettkiss | 8

#4626845 - Thursday 28 June 2012 19:43

Lol soo funny

By Horney4her69 | 0

#794050 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:13

your group is the whole world population on this one.

By GermanKat | 1

#794061 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:16

looooooool #6 !!!!!!

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#794064 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:18

OP, get help!

By ily1210 | 10

#794071 - Saturday 23 January 2010 23:21

thats disgusting!
who does that?