By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 17:01

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

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Instadrama

All over the place

Call CPS!

By Bawsack - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

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By VidyaGameCollector - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, because money is a little tight, I decided to sell one of my retro video game consoles. The family member that initially gave me it to me saw the ad on Facebook and demanded I give it back to them. FML

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By "refines"

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 17:00

Call CPS!

Today, I discovered via my webcam that my brother believes in teaching babies to self-soothe, which in practice means ignoring my baby until she stops crying, only changing the nappy once in the 7 hours I was at work, and forgetting to feed her at all because he’s too busy watching Netflix. FML

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By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

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By 1ndustrytx - United States

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

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By khaoslife - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By Bbrooks88 - United States

Today, I finalized my new car purchase after three months on the job at a new company. Two hours later, I was informed that my position has been eliminated. I have two weeks to find a new job or I'm completely screwed. FML

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By oops.

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous

LOL AWKS

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

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By robincakes94 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

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By kat - United States

Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

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By 713 - United States

Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML

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By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

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By stink - Australia - Sydney

Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML

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By bobuhbeartoe - United States

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I went to see my guidance counselor. I was supposed to hear from my college about a scholarship by October 3rd. I was worried since it was already the 2nd so I went to talk to her. She never turned in my nomination. Goodbye $80,000 scholarship. FML

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By blah - France

Today, it's officially been two weeks since I found out I have mono. It's also been two weeks since anyone has visited me, called me, or even emailed me. The real kicker? I'm now fired from my job because they can't believe I can have mono twice in one year. I guess I'm just lucky that way. FML

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By mrmarshall

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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By dis_bee_leaf - Canada

Today, I sent out a text saying "Smile! You're beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise." to most of my contacts. I got one reply, from my best friend, saying, "Are you fucking stupid?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 00:11 - Canada - Toronto

Timing

Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML

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By well damn - United States - Columbus

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

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By Cathy - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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By candice - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By ohray - Turkey - Kibris

Today, I popped into the shower hoping to come out all warm and clean. Something was very wrong with the pipes, and I came out smelling like sewage instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By wtfjusthappened - United States - Redmond

Today, I went down on the girl of my dreams. While I was down there, I started to put on a condom. As I came back up to start having sex, she told me she couldn't cheat on her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

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By coco - Canada

Today, I was on a very crowded bus, standing near the back door. People had to get off at the stop, and being near the door, I had to step off the bus, allowing the people to exit. I was about to enter back into the bus, the door closed and the bus driver took off, leaving me stranded. FML

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By imabadperson - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

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By mamagelmane - France - Vervezelle

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

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By Nicoleanne

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were exchanging some naughty pictures. I accidentally sent one to everybody on my contacts, including my ex, my boss, and even Pizza Hut. FML

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By potheadloljk - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7915954 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 17:13

Sounds like a ...

... wait on it ...

... shitty situation! Yow!

By Chazzster | 20

#7915972 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 19:01

Miralax in Apple juice - repeat daily.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7915954 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 17:13

Sounds like a ...

... wait on it ...

... shitty situation! Yow!

By Chazzster | 20

#7915972 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 19:01

Miralax in Apple juice - repeat daily.

Reply

Yudith | 20

#7916231 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 20:49

If it doesn't work, Miralax in apple juice with beans, whole wheat bread, a breakfast of Bran Buds and All Brand with prunes, bran muffins and lots of veggies with a nutritionist visit on the side.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7915983 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 20:35

So is my 2 year old!!!

By Christina Winden | 18

#7916049 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 1:51

Might want to talk to a doctor about that.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7916067 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 6:10

A gastroenterologist or a psychiatrist?

By Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7916245 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 21:40

I have Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis, I know the feeling. Hang in there. There are plenty of meds to help regulate your system. Best of luck OP!

By ojoRojo | 24

#7916284 - Thursday 25 June 2020 0:39

I’m 31 weeks pregnant so I feel that