By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 17:01

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1225

You deserved it

117

Tweet

Share

The best cat

Does it taste good?

Hello everyone!

By NotSteve - 18/4/2009 08:19 - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57450

You deserved it

11130

Tweet

Share

By WHY - 1/4/2016 00:58 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I planned on "breaking up" with my best friend by confessing my love for her, hoping she would feel different and move on. She reciprocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8936

You deserved it

32725

Tweet

Share

By Pool-less - 4/9/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45881

You deserved it

2367

Tweet

Share

By Zanovitch - 13/8/2013 20:19 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47925

You deserved it

4248

Tweet

Share

By Bad Cat - 29/5/2019 14:00

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1651

You deserved it

231

Tweet

Share

By Beccarr - 1/7/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, it was boiling hot so my boyfriend and I decided to sunbathe in the garden and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. Not only is my back so burnt that I can't lie down, I also have a white hand print on my upper back where my boyfriend had left his arm while we slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15632

You deserved it

45510

Tweet

Share

By notpregnant - 21/12/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33782

You deserved it

13932

Tweet

Share

By VHBJ - 16/6/2015 16:13 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31698

You deserved it

3484

Tweet

Share

By axel519 - 31/12/2011 02:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27918

You deserved it

3035

Tweet

Share

By Bacon0426 - 4/7/2016 21:03 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12648

You deserved it

1086

Tweet

Share

By NotSoComfortable - 17/12/2015 09:10 - Italy - Pontecchio Polesine

Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27638

You deserved it

2400

Tweet

Share

By Single - 4/12/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23936

You deserved it

2931

Tweet

Share

By whatevershit - 13/5/2012 06:28 - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23196

You deserved it

2979

Tweet

Share

By person123abc - 9/12/2010 05:35 - United States

Today, I sat in my room on the computer instead of attending the party of the year. I got kicked out because I wasn't invited. The party was in my back yard, hosted by my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36255

You deserved it

4088

Tweet

Share

By IB6UB9 - 28/11/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66016

You deserved it

6939

Tweet

Share

By me - 13/1/2011 20:48 - United States

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39098

You deserved it

7746

Tweet

Share

By Moosh - 1/1/2010 11:12 - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35812

You deserved it

4067

Tweet

Share

By WHOO HOO AIDS - 1/6/2013 18:52 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I realised half my underpants were missing. In related news, my slob of a housemate hasn't washed hers in several weeks, and has been stealing mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48509

You deserved it

3709

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 21:07 - United States

Today, I was anxiously waiting for the guy I had a crush on to pick me up for our first date. He shows up with his son, whom I never knew about, and takes us to Chuck E. Cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30710

You deserved it

5351

Tweet

Share

By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/5/2018 20:30

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

I agree, your life sucks

4038

You deserved it

179

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32187

You deserved it

3387

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 01:26 - United States - Tulsa

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39896

You deserved it

3536

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/9/2013 19:50 - United States

Today, I had to visit a client because his printer had broken down. After driving for an hour, then being screamed at about how horrible my company's service is, I walked over to his printer and found the problem: there was no paper loaded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51253

You deserved it

3105

Tweet

Share

By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32788

You deserved it

3506

Tweet

Share

By baconistasty27 - 1/8/2014 05:33 - United States - San Diego

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40164

You deserved it

5108

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 16:34 - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54556

You deserved it

6916

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24004

You deserved it

12645

Tweet

Share

By eggs - 28/2/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53219

You deserved it

9168

Tweet

Share

By eggnoodles - 13/12/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I woke up to find myself drenched in piss after a long night of drinking. I immediately sprang into action, tossing my bedding in the washer and hopping into the shower. Running late for work, I threw on a nice dress and got into my car. Guess who also peed in the drivers seat? FML

I agree, your life sucks

7962

You deserved it

52879

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew on the ground. It was night-time and there weren't many people around, so for a laugh, I picked it up and tossed it behind me as hard as I could. It hit someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8305

You deserved it

53778

Tweet

Share

By Juliet - 12/4/2013 00:40 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50301

You deserved it

6505

Tweet

Share

By Rusty - 12/12/2015 00:49 - United States

Today, I did slightly below average on my programming project. Aside from it being unnecessarily difficult, I also couldn't focus on it due to problems at home. After I confided in my colleague about it, I heard him mutter, "I knew women are crappy programmers". FML

I agree, your life sucks

23033

You deserved it

2730

Tweet

Share

By This sucks - 11/10/2017 04:30

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2535

You deserved it

584

Tweet

Share

By stoopidRUnner - 24/2/2009 02:15 - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65475

You deserved it

13454

Tweet

Share

By Kate - 23/4/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57664

You deserved it

3189

Tweet

Share

By Anstice - 5/10/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39516

You deserved it

15418

Tweet

Share

By meh - 17/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1955

You deserved it

4668

Tweet

Share

By Rrae - 25/2/2019 02:00

Today, I'm at the ER for my first ever UTI and potential other "down there" issues. Yesterday I got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2106

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By Eureka! I still lose.... - 9/2/2018 19:00

Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4805

You deserved it

262

Tweet

Share

By Today - 7/9/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35191

You deserved it

6558

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7915954 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 17:13

Sounds like a ...

... wait on it ...

... shitty situation! Yow!

By Chazzster | 20

#7915972 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 19:01

Miralax in Apple juice - repeat daily.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7915954 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 17:13

Sounds like a ...

... wait on it ...

... shitty situation! Yow!

By Chazzster | 20

#7915972 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 19:01

Miralax in Apple juice - repeat daily.

Reply

Yudith | 20

#7916231 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 20:49

If it doesn't work, Miralax in apple juice with beans, whole wheat bread, a breakfast of Bran Buds and All Brand with prunes, bran muffins and lots of veggies with a nutritionist visit on the side.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7915983 - Tuesday 23 June 2020 20:35

So is my 2 year old!!!

By Christina Winden | 18

#7916049 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 1:51

Might want to talk to a doctor about that.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7916067 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 6:10

A gastroenterologist or a psychiatrist?

By Elizabeth Burley | 21

#7916245 - Wednesday 24 June 2020 21:40

I have Crohn's Disease and Ulcerative Colitis, I know the feeling. Hang in there. There are plenty of meds to help regulate your system. Best of luck OP!

By ojoRojo | 15

#7916284 - Thursday 25 June 2020 0:39

I’m 31 weeks pregnant so I feel that