Intimacy: Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's...

By turdburger - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

Taking stock

Our house, in the middle of our street

By post valentines depression

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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By Milly

Today, it's my birthday, and my coworkers gave me a $75 gift card to a restaurant chain near my house. Later in the evening, I found out the chain of restaurants abruptly closed. All of them. FML

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By needanotherbed - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

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By badadvise - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

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By jojolovesyou134

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

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By Stupid_Chick - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By indierocklove - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

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By CaptBlood - 4/5/2021 14:01

Shady dealings

Today, my wife says she's not hiding money from me but I checked our joint bank account, which I no longer use, and find she's been transferring money in-and-out of 3 accounts, while taking money from me and getting payday loans to cover it. FML

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By aqua88 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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By Jason - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By frownyface - United States

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

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By dislocated

How romantic!

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

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By ugh - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

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Early show

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

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By notacashier - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

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By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/6/2020 02:02

Dietitian is the recognized title

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

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By sunny_ca559 - United States

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Are you sure?

Today, after a long therapy session, in which I poured out all my feelings of how happy and in love I am with whom I believe to be my soul-mate, my shrink asked me if I was sure this guy wasn't a figment of my imagination. FML

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By gtfoocd - United States

Today, my extremely OCD girlfriend wouldn't have sex with me because my bedroom wasn't "properly symmetrical." FML

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By phillyfan4life - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

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By callmeclarence - United States - Valencia

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my boss decided that, because I got dragged into a vacation that I didn't even want to go on, she was going to take a promotion back before she even gave it to me. I don't know what's worse, losing the promotion or going on that crappy vacation. FML

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By Sick As Hell - United States - Urbandale

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I discovered that no matter how hot and exhausted you are, being blasted in the face with a high pressure hose is always more painful than refreshing. FML

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By blackntangirl - United States

Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML

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By sophhiee - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML

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By tannerpaul

Today, I went to the hospital as my girlfriend's emergency contact. When I saw her, she was under a blanket because she had no pants. She had a seizure in a guy's bed and he brought her here. He's here and she wants us both to stay. FML

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By "BunnysKitty"

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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By retailshell - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By Foolish - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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By Chris21 - United Kingdom - Bolton

Fast Cars

Today, a drunk driver totalled my new Audi. Who was the drunk driver? My dad. FML

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By Sad ex-wife - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By LoveSucks

Today, I went on a blind date. All my date would talk about was how he was 'really his own best friend'. FML

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By sniper foxeh

Today, my younger sister and I were camping when, during the middle of the night, she asked me if I could take her to the toilets as she was scared. I told her to go by herself or go behind the tent. Thirty seconds later, she peed on me. FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By OutOfWork.OutOfTime - United States - Cookeville

Today, I had my first job interview since graduating from university. The person who interviewed me informed me that not using my degree after two years practically makes it null and void. I guess instead of being a financial advisor at the company, I could always be a janitor there. FML

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By cjbutterfly96 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML

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Top comments

By dacho | 7

#533916 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:40

Try fucking her in the ass then.

By Glam_fml | 0

#533976 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:19

Sometimes taking a huge shit IS better than sex.

COMMENTS

By jeocon10 | 0

#533882 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:11

jeocon10 | 0

#533886 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:13

agree btw

eitsrik | 0

#534550 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 19:45

can you not tie her bow or what?
as egotistical as men are, it's very common that they don't get female partners there everytime...

CHRIS1920 | 0

#553264 - Thursday 10 September 2009 15:52

his dick is too small wounder why.

22cute | 17

#2882705 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 16:04

Why would anyone feel sorry for this man? He can't please his wife as well as shit.

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#533899 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:22

Guess you can't pleasure her fyl

10_4Franky | 0

#982509 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 14:25

Maybe she likes it up the ass. Ask her and you'll finnaly please her.

NamesIncognita | 15

#6467107 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:32

not all guys like Fucking the hole where shit comes from.

By dacho | 7

#533916 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:40

Try fucking her in the ass then.

youaresofucked | 0

#534035 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 15:39

I agree. Fuck her arse instead.

Do0dl3 | 0

#534085 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:23

yes, she obviously wants anal

NamesIncognita | 15

#6467109 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:33

not all guys like fucking the hole where shit comes from yo...Its not for everyone alright?

By Wankster | 0

#533920 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:48

That sux for you. Fyl

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#533921 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:50

Thats shity. :o

Pun intended.

By themaintroll | 0

#533935 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 13:11

YDI for studying the history of development of architecture

By saunder | 0

#533944 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 13:37

so fuck her in the ass then :P

By Glam_fml | 0

#533976 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:19

Sometimes taking a huge shit IS better than sex.

By blland | 0

#533985 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:27

do it the greek way.

By mccaincracker | 6

#533993 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:40

Go on the blue pill. :D
If you know what I mean...