Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's...

By turdburger - 2/9/2009 05:56 - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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Intimacy

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Get me away from here, I'm dying

What did I do?

By Anonymous - 28/7/2012 22:15 - United Kingdom - Warwick

Today, my grandpa told my mom that he needs to rewrite his will soon. I jokingly said that I was going to be stinking rich when he passes away. He retorted that he's never forgiven me for rear-ending his car six years ago, and because of this, I'll never see a penny of his money. FML

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By mama75 - 17/3/2010 14:18 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2010 00:08 - France

Today, I told my best friend I was breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years. He thought it would be funny to tell her I was going to propose to her that night. She showed up telling me how much she loves me and that when we get married how great it will be. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2013 12:23 - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2015 08:48 - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

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By TeeJay - 1/6/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 11:26 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - 7/11/2013 18:42 - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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By Humiliated - 14/9/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2014 17:05 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. My date took one look at me and said pityingly, "Stuffed your bra, didn't ya? Seriously, why even bother?" The douche then started trying to lecture me on "false advertising". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 02:11 - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2011 11:04 - Australia

Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML

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By kal - 23/2/2010 16:28 - United Kingdom

Today, on Facebook, I joined a group called "I want our relationship to last." My boyfriend commented "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 20:39 - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

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By AlonsoKold - 7/4/2014 23:39 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

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By SoClose - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - 11/3/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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By Rizma - 27/11/2014 15:12 - France - Gr?ces

Today, I went off for a jog. Outside, I saw my really cute neighbour, so in an effort to appear sporty, I accelerated and kept my head up. As I got close, I smiled at him, just when a huge fly flew right up my nose. FML

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By TheoBuckner - 21/1/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

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By Highnapple - 4/3/2015 07:55 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By killmenow - 23/4/2014 14:54 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

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By Carmen - 11/4/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2013 23:01 - United States

Today, I got my very first yeast infection. Thinking she would help me, I went to my mom. Instead she began yelling about how I'm lying and it's an STD and I don't believe in the power of Jesus. FML

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By jab43 - 23/7/2011 00:57 - United States

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

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By BerzerkelyBongBabe - 23/8/2011 21:55 - United States

Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML

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By justhatelife - 9/12/2016 14:49 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back, where I work, and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML

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By Alicia - 13/5/2010 22:49 - United States

Today, my friends and I had a long fun day at the river. That was until sundown. I now have mosquito bites in places you don't want to know. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2010 12:49 - India

Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling, reflecting and enjoying the beautiful landscape. And then a monkey threw its poo at me. FML

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By Stop being healthy - 22/4/2017 22:00

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By NotFromAustralia - 8/7/2016 05:25 - United States - Denver

Today, I thought the earwig infestation that had plagued my basement apartment for weeks had finally solved itself. Turns out the black widow infestation took care of it for me. Time to move. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 00:47 - United States - Pensacola

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 26/5/2020 20:00

Expanding universe

Today, I told my BFF that I went to the store to buy medium shirts because I had gained some weight during coronavirus. He asked me, "What's the point in doing that when you're getting so fat, those wont even fit in 2 weeks?" FML

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By Noname - 16/2/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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By rawr_fml001 - 11/5/2012 23:50 - Canada - Brampton

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML

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By King_of_hearts - 4/4/2014 23:46 - United States - Plymouth

Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML

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By Noname - 28/1/2009 12:13 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:15, snow blowed and salted the driveway for over an hour, left early and drove an hour on shitty roads just to get to work on time only to be laid off. FML

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By badluck - 21/7/2014 19:31 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I was out with my boyfriend, when he started browsing wedding rings. He found a ring, proposed to me right there in front of a crowd, and then was promptly denied a payment plan. We left without a ring. FML

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Top comments

By dacho | 7

#533916 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:40

Try fucking her in the ass then.

By Glam_fml | 0

#533976 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:19

Sometimes taking a huge shit IS better than sex.

COMMENTS

By jeocon10 | 0

#533882 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:11

jeocon10 | 0

#533886 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:13

agree btw

eitsrik | 0

#534550 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 19:45

can you not tie her bow or what?
as egotistical as men are, it's very common that they don't get female partners there everytime...

CHRIS1920 | 0

#553264 - Thursday 10 September 2009 15:52

his dick is too small wounder why.

22cute | 17

#2882705 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 16:04

Why would anyone feel sorry for this man? He can't please his wife as well as shit.

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#533899 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:22

Guess you can't pleasure her fyl

10_4Franky | 0

#982509 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 14:25

Maybe she likes it up the ass. Ask her and you'll finnaly please her.

NamesIncognita | 15

#6467107 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:32

not all guys like Fucking the hole where shit comes from.

By dacho | 7

#533916 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:40

Try fucking her in the ass then.

youaresofucked | 0

#534035 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 15:39

I agree. Fuck her arse instead.

Do0dl3 | 0

#534085 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:23

yes, she obviously wants anal

NamesIncognita | 15

#6467109 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:33

not all guys like fucking the hole where shit comes from yo...Its not for everyone alright?

By Wankster | 0

#533920 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:48

That sux for you. Fyl

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#533921 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:50

Thats shity. :o

Pun intended.

By themaintroll | 0

#533935 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 13:11

YDI for studying the history of development of architecture

By saunder | 0

#533944 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 13:37

so fuck her in the ass then :P

By Glam_fml | 0

#533976 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:19

Sometimes taking a huge shit IS better than sex.

By blland | 0

#533985 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:27

do it the greek way.

By mccaincracker | 6

#533993 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:40

Go on the blue pill. :D
If you know what I mean...