Intimacy: Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's...

By turdburger - Australia

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Late term

Modernity

By ifhehadadickforaheaditdbefuckingsmall - Cyprus - Strovolos

Today, my husband was arrested for having sex in public. FML

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50595

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By regret - Australia - Warrnambool

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By Fox_Undercover - United States - Wareham

Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By a.white - United States - Cheltenham

Today, a classmate's mother called my phone, threatening to have my dorm room raided for drugs. Why? She saw our text messages discussing where he would pick up the textbook I borrowed and thought it was the new "code name" for weed. FML

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By Jerry - 4/1/2021 10:58

Best thing to do

Today, I walked in on my wife and my buddy from work. They didn’t even stop. I just went to a motel to get drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 02:00

Looks aren't everything

Today, I was watching "My 600-lb Life". Most of the people on the show are married or in relationships. I cant even find a relationship. FML

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

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By Traveler

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By bloody - United States

Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML

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By zappy - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall with a couple of friends. While walking through the parking lot, we saw a very dirty car. You couldn't even see the inside of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." After doing so, the driver got out of the car. FML

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By ;)loganberry(; - United States

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

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By Erica - Australia - Sydney

Today, not only did I find out that my 13 year old daughter is pregnant, I found out that she did it on purpose ‘to prove that she’s responsible’. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By Kellie - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. His hot co-worker came to have a beer with us, and I knew my best friend would think he was gorgeous. I wanted to take a picture of him without knowing, so i tried to hold up my phone and pretend to be texting. The flash went off. FML

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By jake - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

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By kingkarnie - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

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By busted - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I told my mum that the reason I hadn't contacted her for 3 days was that my internet was broken, when in reality I'd gone off for a dirty weekend with the guy I'm having sex with. I forgot my older sister worked for my internet provider. FML

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By minnie - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

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By ToddesPizza - United States - Coos Bay

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I was watching a video about spiders. When I felt a tickle on my foot, I kicked hard in panic. It was one of our newborn kittens walking. I almost killed it. FML

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

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By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

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By scarred_sibling - United States

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

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By Honest mistake

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By ... - France

Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!" FML

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By Surewhatever

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By scared - United States

Today, I went on a date at a restaurant with a guy. When he promised I wouldn't have to pay the bill, I didn't think he meant we'd be dining and dashing. FML

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30304

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my Mum has spent the money she's been saving for my wedding on moving house. She called saving for a wedding for me a 'pointless cause' as it's probably never going to happen now. I'm only 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 19:58

Tetchy

Today, my partner got mad at me for forgetting to turn off the bedroom light when coming back from brushing my teeth, and has chosen to sleep in our spare bedroom over it. FML

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727

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By thegrandchawhee - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By never-even-owned-a-car - 30/8/2020 17:02

Broke

Today, it's the tenth anniversary of me getting my driver's license. My record is perfect: no accidents, no tickets. Today is also the tenth anniversary of the last time I drove a car. FML

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Top comments

By dacho | 7

#533916 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:40

Try fucking her in the ass then.

By Glam_fml | 0

#533976 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:19

Sometimes taking a huge shit IS better than sex.

COMMENTS

By jeocon10 | 0

#533882 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:11

jeocon10 | 0

#533886 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:13

agree btw

eitsrik | 0

#534550 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 19:45

can you not tie her bow or what?
as egotistical as men are, it's very common that they don't get female partners there everytime...

CHRIS1920 | 0

#553264 - Thursday 10 September 2009 15:52

his dick is too small wounder why.

22cute | 17

#2882705 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 16:04

Why would anyone feel sorry for this man? He can't please his wife as well as shit.

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#533899 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:22

Guess you can't pleasure her fyl

10_4Franky | 0

#982509 - Tuesday 20 April 2010 14:25

Maybe she likes it up the ass. Ask her and you'll finnaly please her.

NamesIncognita | 15

#6467107 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:32

not all guys like Fucking the hole where shit comes from.

By dacho | 7

#533916 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:40

Try fucking her in the ass then.

youaresofucked | 0

#534035 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 15:39

I agree. Fuck her arse instead.

Do0dl3 | 0

#534085 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 16:23

yes, she obviously wants anal

NamesIncognita | 15

#6467109 - Sunday 22 November 2015 2:33

not all guys like fucking the hole where shit comes from yo...Its not for everyone alright?

By Wankster | 0

#533920 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:48

That sux for you. Fyl

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#533921 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 12:50

Thats shity. :o

Pun intended.

By themaintroll | 0

#533935 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 13:11

YDI for studying the history of development of architecture

By saunder | 0

#533944 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 13:37

so fuck her in the ass then :P

By Glam_fml | 0

#533976 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:19

Sometimes taking a huge shit IS better than sex.

By blland | 0

#533985 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:27

do it the greek way.

By mccaincracker | 6

#533993 - Wednesday 2 September 2009 14:40

Go on the blue pill. :D
If you know what I mean...