Today, I felt so lonely that when I was watching a ghost show,... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2019 02:00

Today, I felt so lonely that when I was watching a ghost show, I wished my house was haunted so at least some sort of presence was with me, even if it was in another dimension. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1491

You deserved it

234

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Rock, hard place

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2196

You deserved it

399

Tweet

Share

By doneanddone - 28/2/2009 17:33 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's place until very late. He had stolen my keys as a joke at some point, but by the time I noticed, he was too drunk to remember where he'd hidden them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43652

You deserved it

8711

Tweet

Share

By Jordid - 19/8/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62543

You deserved it

4179

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 14/7/2015 17:28 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25046

You deserved it

2614

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48932

You deserved it

8879

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 23:00

Pincushion

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

548

You deserved it

1844

Tweet

Share

By leenibeani4 - 8/3/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, at the eye doctor, they asked for my birth date for the files. My dad answered quickly, "May 28, 1994." It was embarrassing to have to correct him with "April 19, 1993." Who's May 28? Way to go dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30064

You deserved it

2451

Tweet

Share

By hmmmm - 13/8/2012 12:19 - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41088

You deserved it

5435

Tweet

Share

By Beeper - 11/10/2014 19:07 - United States - Champaign

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57536

You deserved it

5201

Tweet

Share

By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16051

You deserved it

40801

Tweet

Share

By cydia123 - 10/5/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1897

You deserved it

92

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 18:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML

I agree, your life sucks

60702

You deserved it

5002

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39899

You deserved it

10406

Tweet

Share

By fack - 29/7/2015 14:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22559

You deserved it

10693

Tweet

Share

By Dang-ItsDanielle - 7/3/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

62220

You deserved it

19339

Tweet

Share

By Sleepy - 9/10/2014 14:10 - United Kingdom - Hayes

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31940

You deserved it

15581

Tweet

Share

By weldingmachine217 - 16/11/2015 21:47 - United States - Blanchard

Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28055

You deserved it

3594

Tweet

Share

By ummWhat? - 23/12/2018 02:00

Today my car was broken into. The only thing taken were condoms and lighters I had in the glove box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2075

You deserved it

186

Tweet

Share

By Dumbfuck - 25/9/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, I found out that being rhythmically challenged really really sucks. I was trying to dance around sexily for my girlfriend, and I was doing that one move where you thrust your pelvis forward, and swing you hand from side to side. I hit myself in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8701

You deserved it

26450

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 02:00

Today, I got lost in a car park, late at night, unable to find my car. I started panicking, so I called my dad. I sat down to catch my breath. After about 2 minutes, I heard a noise. I looked up to see a guy jerking off while watching me. He smiled, so I instinctively threw my backpack at his junk and he ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2202

You deserved it

241

Tweet

Share

By TheBaconater - 3/2/2013 16:22 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34546

You deserved it

2221

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/1/2013 22:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28557

You deserved it

2406

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 05:32 - United States

Today, I need to find a way to explain to my 5, 7 and 12 year old kids their uncle wants to become their aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56192

You deserved it

11509

Tweet

Share

By DabTheFuckOut - 16/9/2016 19:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12422

You deserved it

1115

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28397

You deserved it

5228

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/8/2010 07:27 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38739

You deserved it

15473

Tweet

Share

By kronin - 12/10/2010 10:59 - United States

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9938

You deserved it

39864

Tweet

Share

By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10332

You deserved it

1955

Tweet

Share

By blondie - 24/3/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22972

You deserved it

87915

Tweet

Share

By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41980

You deserved it

2905

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I discovered that just because I got my braces removed does not mean my painful mouth ulcers will stop. I now have them under my tongue. I can't even lick my lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25266

You deserved it

2614

Tweet

Share

By I'm screwed - 27/1/2015 23:46 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32520

You deserved it

2376

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33277

You deserved it

4893

Tweet

Share

By 282 - 29/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was sitting on my younger sister's bed while I was on my phone. She came in the room and pushed me off the bed, and I ended up slicing the skin under my eye. Now, my parents are forcing me to pay for the injury for "hanging off the bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks

2612

You deserved it

304

Tweet

Share

By seriously? - 22/12/2012 22:19 - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30418

You deserved it

7557

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 20:58 - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46882

You deserved it

3821

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 00:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53909

You deserved it

3352

Tweet

Share

By mudafkrmas - 18/9/2009 04:14 - Canada

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15562

You deserved it

33252

Tweet

Share

By sleepylillion - 25/4/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14126

You deserved it

1484

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/8/2019 06:01

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1814

You deserved it

186

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7819986 - Thursday 11 July 2019 2:42

They’d probably ghost you eventually.

By Levi2411 | 37

#7819985 - Thursday 11 July 2019 2:32

You're the type of character who starts playing with demons and shit, and gets everyone in the movie fucking killed.

COMMENTS

By Jjjjjjjam24 | 3

#7819977 - Thursday 11 July 2019 2:09

I feel you

By Charles J Craft | 2

#7819979 - Thursday 11 July 2019 2:14

what's your number

By Levi2411 | 37

#7819985 - Thursday 11 July 2019 2:32

You're the type of character who starts playing with demons and shit, and gets everyone in the movie fucking killed.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7819986 - Thursday 11 July 2019 2:42

They’d probably ghost you eventually.

By FtheHumanity | 17

#7820015 - Thursday 11 July 2019 4:55

Welp, some of us would theoretically kill for an empty house, so enjoy it if you can, dude.

By 1gullible_bugger | 33

#7820861 - Sunday 14 July 2019 8:58

I think the same thing sometimes.