Geek: Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook... - FML

By Anonymous - 17/08/2013 19:25 - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 609

You deserved it 40 403

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Sorry…

The runs

By snapped - 13/11/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 026

You deserved it 9 402

By Owww - 10/07/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 612

You deserved it 409

By Anonymous - 03/12/2012 18:39 - Australia - Perth

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 649

You deserved it 4 432

By CA19oo - 20/03/2012 01:03 - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 679

You deserved it 2 062

By Anonymous - 08/09/2013 06:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 949

You deserved it 5 211

By anonymous - 12/08/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 162

You deserved it 5 986

Spooky season has begun

By Anonymous - 04/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 534

You deserved it 138

By crookedteeth - 27/08/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 196

You deserved it 2 815

Strange things are afoot…

By proudestmonkey - 24/03/2009 05:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 056

You deserved it 6 514

By dykerino - 12/10/2014 00:11 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cut my hair short and he didn't want people to think he was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 631

You deserved it 7 526

By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2015 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 311

You deserved it 1 815

Fancy Hobo

By Anonymous - 29/12/2019 14:00

Today, I decided to change my name on YouTube to Fancy Hobo and then proceeded to send an email to a well-admired professor. Little did I know my email was linked to YouTube. Yes, Fancy Hobo sent a very professional email about registration for Grad School. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 1 960

By Hoggiebear - 05/10/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 327

You deserved it 5 355

By oopsididitagain - 30/11/2010 18:49 - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 939

You deserved it 30 181

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 20:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 025

You deserved it 4 479

Public freakout

By erineilis - 16/08/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, while driving into work, a guy cut me off and I yelled some nasty things out of my window at him. He heard me, followed me to work, took a baseball bat out and then chased me into the office. He also smashed my windshield on his way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 525

You deserved it 17 017

By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 684

You deserved it 4 048

By Dom - 26/05/2012 21:35 - South Africa - Kwa-zulu

Today, my apartment has been echoing all day with the wails of my cat, Butters. He's yet again managed to trap himself in the umbrella stand. In the past, he has eventually gotten himself out, but this time I think I might have to use a hacksaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 108

You deserved it 3 278

By the bleeder - 13/05/2016 05:05

Spicy

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 224

You deserved it 1 429

By cunts, cunts everywhere - 11/03/2013 11:57 - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 298

You deserved it 2 770

By disappointed - 23/09/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 181

You deserved it 14 088

By sarah - 14/07/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 301

You deserved it 10 137

By Amara1717 - 19/08/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 015

You deserved it 3 496

By johnfrank - 26/03/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 613

You deserved it 35 233

By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 004

You deserved it 24 140

By freckle82 - 12/05/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 4:30am because I forgot to turn my Blackberry off 'loud'. I woke up to find an email from my ex-boyfriend's crazy mother who had sent me pictures of her son's wedding that had happened over the weekend. I am still single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 419

You deserved it 4 501

By fat and broke - 28/06/2015 07:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 821

You deserved it 4 587

By babysitter - 17/04/2009 04:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 884

You deserved it 3 741

By no spare - 19/12/2016 19:22 - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 081

You deserved it 728

By (-,..,-) - 24/07/2015 17:24 - France

Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing". The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 979

You deserved it 1 706

By Nofatforme - 06/09/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 647

You deserved it 4 846

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 08:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 176

You deserved it 34 382

Stuck

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 967

By dragos_dgt - 02/09/2011 07:48 - Romania

Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 807

You deserved it 33 117

By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/03/2010 15:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 195

You deserved it 40 221

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 350

You deserved it 70 123

Carded B.

By Anonymous - 20/09/2019 12:00

Today, I ordered a beer with my parents at dinner. The waitress said, "Oh, happy 22nd birthday." My parents eyes got really big, and they started to blush. They'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 931

You deserved it 160

By notsurprised - 01/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 424

You deserved it 3 146

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 06:33 - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 631

You deserved it 79 791

By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - 25/07/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 132

You deserved it 520

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Top comments

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:51

Well, OP, even in WoW, cooking takes skill (points).

RivetingTaleChap 6

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:53

Log off. You might be surprised by what you can accomplish when you make a genuine effort.

Comments

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:51

Well, OP, even in WoW, cooking takes skill (points).

tsent8 15

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Sunday 18 August 2013 3:17

Op is taking baby steps. Hopefully after defeating 30 food critics and bringing their sacred spices back. He will have enough XP to cook some scrambled eggs.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 7:11

Not really. If you're literate, you should be able to prepare a meal. Mac and cheese and hot dogs is a meal. The instructions for preparing them are on the package. I don't know why people are so forgiving of OP's incompetence. The way I see it, not knowing how to cook is like not being potty trained. I don't understand how one can function in life not knowing how to operate a stove. I mean, we all need to eat everyday.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 7:24

I don't understand how one can function in life not knowing how to take a joke. I mean, we all need to laugh everyday.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 9:04

Perhaps OP was never taught any sort of cooking skills by his parents. It is very easy to learn and requires trial and error.

boxbrandon11 20

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Sunday 18 August 2013 9:15

Im guessing you have 600 cooking

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Sunday 18 August 2013 17:22

He could always make ramen.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:53

That's what the cooking channel is for.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:53

LOL if I'm paying for wow I'm definitely not paying for cable every month.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 7:20

Yeah, who can afford food anyways if you play WoW.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 17:53

There's always Create on public TV ^^ So many delicious foods are made there, especially in the Test Kitchen.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:53

wow

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 18 August 2013 3:10

cod.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:58

huh

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Sunday 18 August 2013 5:47

kay

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Sunday 18 August 2013 6:30

ydi

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 18 August 2013 11:28

gta4

Hollandiscrazy 12

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Sunday 18 August 2013 16:34

gtav

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Sunday 18 August 2013 19:54

Bf3

threer 30

Monday 19 August 2013 1:09

Heh.

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Monday 19 August 2013 22:47

Idk

RivetingTaleChap 6

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:53

Log off. You might be surprised by what you can accomplish when you make a genuine effort.

euphoricness 28

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:05

But if I log off I'll never get to level archaeology!

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:15

That's almost inspiring.

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:23

'Log off'. Haha, easier said than done.

Alihb 16

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Sunday 18 August 2013 5:19

Log off? OF VIDEO GAMES!?!? BLASPHEMY!

NoFlippinWai 24

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Sunday 18 August 2013 7:07

WoW is an addiction. There is a support group for it. I used to play 19 hours a day, its a cumpulsion at its very least.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 10:46

One simply does not just, "log off" of W.o.W.

threer 30

Monday 19 August 2013 1:12

One does not simply..

The_9th_Doctor 18

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:53

take a cooking class

amDes 11

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Sunday 18 August 2013 3:39

OP cooking isn't really hard... when something starts to burn either take it off the heat or stir it. When making more complicated dishes follow a recipe. If you are cooking while playing wow at the same time then that is probably the problem....

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:08

Probably interferes with raid times.

Alihb 16

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Sunday 18 August 2013 8:06

I take a cooking class, I call it Breaking Bad.

rememberkids 14

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Sunday 18 August 2013 10:54

There's always Kraft Dinner or Mr Noodles!

ZombieInConverse 13

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:55

Maybe you should get off the computer and take a cooking class.

binger_gitch 12

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Saturday 26 April 2014 23:02

Yeah, but the Internet is fun.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:56

Wow.

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 18 August 2013 11:29

Scroll up 3.

threer 30

Monday 19 August 2013 1:13

Yes, but this one has grammar!

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Monday 19 August 2013 6:58

I don't play the game but isn't it WoW? If I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me!

Gothicbunnyx3 16

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:56

Go outside and do something productive. Life's more important than sitting on the computer all day .

Archay 13

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Sunday 18 August 2013 3:08

What if his life is sitting behind a computer

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:09

what is this outside you speak of I have never heard of it before.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:11

Says the girl commenting on a FML post.

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:29

But who wants real life when I can be a blood elf druid?

militarybrat 21

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Sunday 18 August 2013 4:41

Im letting my nerd flag fly. Unless u did a bazinga and i cant tell, you cant be a blood elf druid unfortunately.

chelseaaababyyy 17

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Sunday 18 August 2013 7:22

Shit, meant night elf. Got it cofused with my blood elf hunter /:

DKjazz 20

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Sunday 18 August 2013 8:07

39- I'm pretty sure it's a scam.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 9:28

What I do, is take my laptop to the beach...

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Sunday 18 August 2013 11:51

39 the graphics are good but the gameplay is terrible!

Gothicbunnyx3 16

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Sunday 18 August 2013 17:52

That awkward moment when I was at the beach commenting on this post.

Archay 13

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Monday 19 August 2013 1:32

How were u being productive at the beach?

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Sunday 18 August 2013 2:57

It takes skill to never have been able to successfully coock a meal.

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Sunday 18 August 2013 6:48

I guess it also takes skill to spell correctly

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Sunday 18 August 2013 9:03

Tell me, what is a "coock"

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Sunday 18 August 2013 3:00

I'm thinking maybe your priorities are slightly askew.... You dont wanna turn into those guys that die at the computer for lack of food

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 11

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 168

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 94