Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my... - FML

By Omi - 20/10/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

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Dangling modifier

Abuse

Night terrors

By well then... - 15/6/2013 05:04 - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

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By Candy - 20/5/2010 12:37 - United States

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

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By Annakins - 6/6/2010 18:31 - United States

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

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By Passtheicecream - 25/1/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By loser - 8/1/2015 21:26 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

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By FailedSniper - 22/3/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having I shot at him with the sniper gun I bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was ok. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

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By lilithfaye - 2/11/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, my newly ex-fiancé, the father of my 5-year-old child, moved out of state with no warning. I just spent my last $500 paying off his car, and the rent is due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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By nerd - 3/3/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By American Idiot - 20/9/2016 19:25 - United States - Duluth

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

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By Abcporn - 25/9/2013 23:22 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

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By Tyrez - 14/8/2015 23:38 - United States - Boulder

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

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By daydreamer - 29/7/2012 05:12 - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

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By Tootsy_Roll_Pop - 23/5/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

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By Thanks everyone - 28/8/2013 22:35 - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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By WitchQueenLiz - 28/6/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

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By Jessika - 7/8/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By lsta - 4/5/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I donated blood for the first time, and all the nurses kept complimenting on how good my veins were. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in the past 2 months. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2013 18:39 - United States - East Northport

Today, at soccer tryouts, the coach made us run the entire practice. I ran the whole two hours ahead of everyone. When the tryout ended, I vomited due to dehydration. I didn't make the team. The coach's reasoning: "Only the weak throw up". FML

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By awkwardpineapples - 8/1/2015 03:13 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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By fucktelstra - 17/3/2016 11:42 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By notworthy - 25/1/2010 09:32 - New Zealand

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

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By Bogrbon - 21/4/2020 14:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up

Today, since we can’t go out due to the quarantine, my wife decided she wanted to shave my back with a razor. Two hours later, I have a sore back and I look like I'm wearing the front half of the worlds ugliest sweater vest. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 23:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

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By onething - 8/7/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 19:17 - United States - Bristol

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML

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By "vinyl_mermaid" - 2/3/2017 14:00

Exterminators are expensive

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

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By WastedTime - 7/8/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

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By jenny2989 - 7/6/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I reached behind my couch to plug my phone charger in. My arm got stuck and I had to wait for my roommate to get home to help me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2018 14:30

Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML

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By Dragoness11 - 27/3/2014 14:12 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, my gynecologist told me that the ecosystem in my vagina is unbalanced, and that I have to do some reconstruction. Uhm what? FML

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By Mr. Headshot - 25/4/2011 05:01

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 23:49 - United States - Eudora

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

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By Username - 23/12/2010 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was in a store with my dad. He completely lost his temper and began yelling at the store owners. For some reason, he then removed his shirt in protest. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#630249 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:30

With the Nintendo DS ruined, you can get some homework done, slackass!

By himiranda | 4

#630280 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:42

It's kind of common sense to not hold anything by the lid :/

r.i.p DS

COMMENTS

By AngelRaven89 | 0

#630177 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:04

aww sorry man :( Im sure your not the only one to have done that as im sure the sides are HOT!

Reply

too_much_fun | 0

#630442 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 1:27

No, you're dreaming.

Reply

Tsukasa_fml | 0

#630975 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 6:03

You're actually third. The comment system just glitched.

Reply

Luky_fml | 0

#632613 - Thursday 22 October 2009 5:46

hmmm, whatever?

Reply

billyhirvine09 | 0

#977843 - Sunday 11 April 2010 16:36

ydi for having a nintendo ds

Reply

jjessen | 20

#5388451 - Friday 1 March 2013 16:32

The Nintendo DS is the shit! Second only to the gameboy advance

By letthemxeatcake | 0

#630180 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:05

You should've put the soup on a dish...

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#2749027 - Friday 24 June 2011 13:44

Irony thy name is OP

By Luky_fml | 0

#630184 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:06

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#630204 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:14

but soup in a DS is not so awesome.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#630224 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:21

Yeah.
DS is awesome.
But DS is fried.
Soup is awesome.
But soup is spilled.
Do you see the dilemma?

Reply

Luky_fml | 0

#630231 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:23

hmmm, i think i get it.
DS is a not so awesome bowl

Reply

Danhickey | 0

#1213191 - Monday 9 August 2010 19:19

intoxicunt? I like it

By Witchcraft_fml | 4

#630218 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:19

The laws of expansion, contraction, and gravity are not as fun as a Nintendo DS!

By crystalelizabeth | 0

#630226 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:21

you're an idiot -____-

By perdix | 29

#630249 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:30

With the Nintendo DS ruined, you can get some homework done, slackass!

By ericm_fml | 0

#630251 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#630271 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:40

You're never too old to play Nintendo.
There is a SNES in my living room that I still use.

Reply

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#630274 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:40

NO ONE is too old to own a DS! :E

Besides that, he said he was walking back to his desk "to do homework", which probably means he was at home.

Reply

iluvsidney | 0

#843626 - Thursday 11 February 2010 5:44

I have to say that iPod touches are 900%%% better than ds's I don't see u on fml on a ds??? just sayin 

Reply

chocolatewhite | 0

#2622383 - Sunday 5 June 2011 5:51

youre a dumbass.
"i was doing my homework"would leave me to believe hes in the right age zone to have a ds. @[email protected]

Reply

Pyroaid | 11

#6001527 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 10:16

3DS/DS master race!

Reply

Azazel166 | 9

#6700187 - Friday 7 October 2016 22:19

dude iPods suck. I mean you may not have all the apps but you have all the old games that made them great

By himiranda | 4

#630280 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:42

It's kind of common sense to not hold anything by the lid :/

r.i.p DS

Reply

alexanderzzz | 0

#633525 - Thursday 22 October 2009 21:02

agreed, the ds shall never be forgotten
rofl

By sabsguitarist77 | 0

#630282 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:43

Wow, you're a dumbass. That's kinda common sense, eh?

By gwobble | 0

#630291 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 23:48

Even if you didn't know the lid wasn't secure, it seems pretty obvious to me that holding soup over expendive electronics is really asking for trouble.