Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The...

By Biggie - 2/2/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, during a snowstorm, I opened my car door to get out. The wind snapped it wide open, then immediately changed course and swung it back at me just as I stepped out, spilling an entire hot cup of coffee all over me. FML

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Transportation

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Banished

Freak out

By ameliaruth09 - 22/1/2015 22:36 - United States - Milford

Today, while breast feeding my 7 month old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML

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By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 13:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

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By Aerostar - 16/6/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

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By ADanceWithDavos - 7/7/2014 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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By bullsonyourface - 30/9/2019 20:00

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By insultedguy - 3/1/2011 17:28 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - 19/9/2017 16:00

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By ReallyUniverse?? - 18/3/2018 19:00

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By DJ - 7/4/2013 18:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML

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By mylifesucks123 - 3/5/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I was driving to the grocery store with my 7 year-old son. When I was approaching a stop sign, I look next to me and see a guy with a triangle shaped head. I tell my son "Look at the guy with the triangle head." My window was open. So was his. FML

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By inappropes - 10/8/2017 16:00

Today, I got an angry text from a random number calling me a lying piece of shit. I then realized that was the first person to text me in weeks. I ended up having a fake argument with someone because I was so lonely. FML

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By birdfoooo - 29/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

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By sheilob - 24/3/2012 23:06 - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

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By Disgruntled ADP - 26/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Dallas

Today, we moved desks for the umpteenth time, and my supervisor stuffed me in a corner by the door with no one around to talk to. The worst thing is I hear the badge reader beep every few seconds. It's already driving me crazy. FML

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By hitmutefirst - 3/2/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By TJ - 8/8/2012 11:23 - United States - Lacey

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

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By BadNurse - 11/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

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By Bex - 15/3/2016 07:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in front of a group of family, friends, and acquaintances, a guy I hadn't talked to in about two years asked me how rehab was going. In the monstrous silence that followed, I had to awkwardly explain that I work at a nursing home that also functions as a rehabilitation center. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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By beautyschool22 - 11/6/2012 23:39 - United States

Today, I talked to my father for the first time in several years. I proudly told him that I have been attending Beauty School. He looked me up and down and said, "Doesn't look like you've learned much." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By Terra - 19/11/2016 05:14

Today, I logged on Facebook and saw my friend who'd been engaged, then broke the engagement, then got back together announce their new wedding date: three days before my wedding. She also sent me a message asking if I'd move my date. We've been planning our wedding for two years. She got engaged six months ago. FML

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By cbarr98 - 6/6/2015 01:00 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - 28/2/2014 20:01 - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By owmyballs - 17/12/2009 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2013 17:41 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 15:30

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By gerontofuck - 15/4/2014 21:55 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

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By coffeeburns - 19/7/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I was at a Starbucks drive-thru and was grabbing a hot coffee when I got rear ended and my car hit the vehicle in front of me which deployed my airbag. Hot coffee can really burn when it hits your face at a high rate of speed. FML

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By collegebroke - 22/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 11:40 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

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By ILoveLamps - 25/3/2015 06:26 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that my friend's family has been using red paper to help his little brother with his potty training. "Aim for the red!" they would say to him. I guess today was a bad day to wear red pants. FML

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By itrustedsnapeallalong - 28/8/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

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By CrappyValentine - 14/2/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By Pool-less - 4/9/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors took it upon themselves to knock down the fence we shared, and putting up a new one. Thus fencing my pool into their yard. When I asked them why, he replied, "We thought you weren't coming back." I was gone for 4 months tending to my sister with breast cancer. FML

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By Username - 21/7/2011 11:14 - United States

Today, my dad came home and said that he was so inspired by hip hop dancers on TV that he decided to take a hip hop dance class. He signed up for the class that my girlfriend teaches. FML

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By kerry - 20/1/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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Top comments

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2037547 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:58

Well at least you were warm for a little bit.

By DocBastard | 38

#2037720 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:52

Your coffee was committing suicide. I'd like to think it's because it couldn't bear the cold any longer, but I'm sure you know the truth that it just couldn't stand you.

COMMENTS

By crankg | 3

#2037527 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:54

Fuuuuuuuurst

By Ummmmyeah | 0

#2037528 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:54

that sucks:(

Jonny26 | 0

#2037761 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 20:11

That was mother nature punishing him for being gay.....mother nature hates the gays

james2323 | 0

#2037777 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 20:18

at least she/he was warm

daaron | 3

#2038516 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 22:24

luckily that's all you got at least your warm some peolple actually get hurt when door slams them

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#2041011 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:03

that. is. HILARIOUS.

yellow_jello | 3

#4945927 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 21:47

51-im guessing op did get hurt,they had a door slam on them and a hot drink spilt all over them

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2037536 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:58

ystrdy I dd. FML

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2037603 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:12

mawdraytrs sck!(;

Sirin_fml | 46

#2037607 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:14

NO U.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2037618 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:17

nuh yu! dnt denye t!

DenisV95 | 2

#2038705 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 23:17

I don't understand what he wrote D:

Severn_fml | 0

#2040183 - Thursday 3 February 2011 5:51

Sirin obviously changed it

breena25 | 0

#2040557 - Thursday 3 February 2011 8:30

it's ok 57, I don't get it either D:

mshooter | 0

#2041031 - Thursday 3 February 2011 12:16

trolling is a form of art

megaaann_fml | 9

#2068567 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:10

he said 'moderators suck', i think.

By crankg | 3

#2037540 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:58

i said fuuuurst why was it deleted ?

Zmeilerr | 22

#2037569 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:04

Read the rules.

brianjman14 | 22

#2037581 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:08

Because you touch yourself at night.

The_Moustache | 6

#2037589 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:09

Prepare to get Internet-Attacked.

By cristal_ace | 0

#2037545 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:58

it's better than being in Chicago right now lol

auzzrage | 1

#2037790 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 20:24

Australia FTW!!!!

turtle4938 | 0

#2037943 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 21:14

YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAA

Person1233 | 12

#2039649 - Thursday 3 February 2011 3:10

Isn't Australia being hit by a Cyclone? o.o

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2040594 - Thursday 3 February 2011 8:45

Try living in northern Canada. We don't even know what the sun looks like... :'( *sniffle*

JaydnGage | 0

#2040954 - Thursday 3 February 2011 11:30

82 - It's an orange/yellow ball. I'm sure you'd have seen it in movies.

megaaann_fml | 9

#2068602 - Friday 11 February 2011 3:21

@#68, only Queensland was hit really hard. When it reached other states, it had died down from a category 5 cyclone to a category 2. But the whole country got bad storms and small floods.

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2037547 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:58

Well at least you were warm for a little bit.

jneverearley | 0

#2037725 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:55

And his door didn't the car next to him. That happened to me once. Thank goodness no damage was done. In Texas the wind barely ever dies down. U can hear it howling day and night.

OhShuttup | 0

#2039966 - Thursday 3 February 2011 4:48

I'm trying to understand the first sentence

By poisonflower | 6

#2037551 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:59

I live in Chicago :( FML.

By mematteden | 2

#2037554 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:59

that sounds like a super sweet time man lol

By areyouforcereal | 7

#2037556 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:00

at least you only spilled your coffee and didn't break a bone or something.

By BoCo_fml | 9

#2037559 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:00

That's coffee abuse! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Just kidding, hopefully you didn't get too burned. Don't you hate it when the weather seems to be against you.