Work: Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

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Work

Proactive

BO Central

The Phoebe Technique

By smoothcoffee - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting in my room when my dad came in to ask if I wanted the rest of his cake. I'd made it for my cousin's wedding, and spent 2 days preparing it. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Not now, 2020

Today, I found out I have endometriosis… Which doesn't mix well with a horny boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rapid City

Today, my teen son gave me the completed manuscript of the novel he's been working on for 4 years. Surprised and excited that he showed so much dedication to something, I volunteered to read it. I'm only on page 16 and it's absolute drivel, with grammar that makes my eyes bleed. Only 281 pages to go. FML

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By DosSantos

Today, I returned from a trip to Budapest with more condoms than I had brought with me. FML

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By wrestling probs - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elgin

Today, my boyfriend showed up at my grandmother's wake in torn jeans and a Family Guy t-shirt. When I took him aside asked him what the hell he was thinking, he lost his temper and stormed out. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 23/5/2020 08:00

Superstition

Today, my mother told me I must break up with my gorgeous, brilliant, talented, kind, respectful boyfriend of 2 weeks. Why? One of his closest friends died, and he's struggling with his spiritual identity. Apparently, by being with him, I'm walking on 'unholy ground.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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3156

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By BrokenPoke - United States - Elkhart

PokeCrash

Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

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56537

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By Cellismasher - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

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By Amanda

Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML

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31250

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By JesusLaidAnEgg

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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1502

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for smiling and laughing too much. Last week, he reprimanded me for not smiling and laughing enough. FML

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By JLoRd - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML

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By snipsnip

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

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12550

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By Dildno - United States - Worcester

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

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By FML - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By dollarstorepwnr - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

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By im_radd - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a cup full of urine in the bathtub. No one in my family knows where it came from. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By fallingforfakenamesandmindgames

A dealer of both drugs and hugs

Today, I found out that the reason why the guy I took home from the bar seemed to understand everything about me instantly was because he was my ex's secret drug dealer. FML

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By lovesucks - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

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By macattack - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, feeling very distant to my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Talk about not getting the picture…

Today, I finally worked up the courage to break up with my boyfriend. His parents weren't able to pick him up for 5 hours. I ended up taking him to a movie to kill time and end on a positive note, but now he thinks we're cool and back on track. FML

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6370

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By Hesintrouble - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

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By Anna - United States - Monroe

Today, my guy friend kept complaining that no one had asked him to the dance, so he probably wasn't going to go. I suggested that we go together. He laughed until his face was bright red and said, "I don't think I'll ever get that desperate." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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By whoababy55 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

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41337

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By fuck you, bitchcake - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

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26532

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By mayhemily - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By bosssssssss765432 - United States

Today, I was at the doctor and I had to get a "finger stick" in the lab to get blood drawn. There was a 6 year old boy waiting to go next. He was terrified. His mother told him to "watch this brave girl go first." I panicked and began to hyperventilate. The boy fainted. FML

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Top comments

By mastamouse | 12

#6100881 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

I've come to realize that some people in this world just lack brains.

By ThepurpleCow | 19

#6100884 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

Stupid you are. Breed you must not.

COMMENTS

By people_annoy_me | 23

#6100879 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:27

Damn.

chadermcchaf | 16

#6100974 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:48

#32 I didn't know that there were godly rules for typing in comments in FML. Who cares? Maybe he's just speechless.

TanzWolf | 26

#6100982 - Sunday 26 October 2014 21:01

"Especially for 1st comment" why does it matter what he says if he's the first commenter?

battlehamster | 8

#6101005 - Sunday 26 October 2014 21:36

Dayaam.

MsKatieFace | 11

#6101054 - Sunday 26 October 2014 22:36

Maybe, #1 is Ron Simmons...

By mastamouse | 12

#6100881 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

I've come to realize that some people in this world just lack brains.

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6100906 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:40

Shockingly, these people are reproducing at a rapid rate, and soon stupidity will take over the world.

JMichael | 25

#6100934 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:04

The lack of knowledge hurts my brain.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6101006 - Sunday 26 October 2014 21:38

A la Idiocracy.

Truthexists1 | 12

#6101402 - Monday 27 October 2014 3:50

Lol Roflmao High five dude!!

myusername23 | 17

#6101511 - Monday 27 October 2014 5:53

You only just figured this out?

By person108 | 9

#6100882 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

some people

sayyestothedress | 24

#6101023 - Sunday 26 October 2014 22:10

Zzzzome people (failed pun)

AriettaX | 15

#6101494 - Monday 27 October 2014 5:32

Hahaha some people just dont "fly" by life! ...... ha.

By ThepurpleCow | 19

#6100884 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

Stupid you are. Breed you must not.

blackonblight | 32

#6101354 - Monday 27 October 2014 2:48

Is that the only thing you can comment?

ThepurpleCow | 19

#6102415 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 1:12

No. You should of seen what I've done. There are just a LOT of stupid people and for most of these it seem fit.

By ostfaiz | 18

#6100886 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

hope your manager becomes deaf

ninjadinos | 14

#6100909 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:40

But...why?

sarah5745 | 41

#6100914 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:45

That's a bit harsh #5

RecklessLove | 18

#6100938 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:07

I'm pretty sure he meant so the manager doesn't have to hear the lady complain anymore.

sarah5745 | 41

#6100950 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:21

Still harsh nonetheless..

Khaleesi_26 | 30

#6100955 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:22

Well #24 if that was the case then the wording for that is all wrong. #5's comment seems to imply that he agrees with the lady that yelled at your manager.