Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about...

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

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Work

Does it taste good?

Yappy neighborhood

Headache

By InTheDoghouse23 - 24/8/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

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By kayt240 - 4/5/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By estranger - 3/1/2014 22:36 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

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By boobs are for baby - 5/6/2018 11:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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By "lildale92" - 5/11/2019 02:00

So cute

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

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By Are you f*cking kidding me - 12/6/2013 06:10 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my bike. As I'm rolling through an intersection, some asshat in a pickup runs the red light and hits me. Instead of getting out and helping me, the guy hops out, takes a look at me lying in the street, steals my hat and drives off. That was my favorite hat. FML

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By PJ - 5/1/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

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By facingit - 8/11/2010 10:32 - Australia

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - 8/8/2015 22:52 - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By Ouch - 21/1/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By rink.attendant.6 - 21/6/2012 15:40 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

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By Delicious - 21/3/2016 02:09 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I used fly spray on my muffin tray instead of olive oil. FML

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By not_relaxed - 25/10/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I returned from vacation. Because of rain, I spent 3 days sitting in a hotel room, watching a TV with bad reception. I'm now less relaxed that if I'd have just stayed home, because that wouldn't have cost me $500, and my TV has more than 15 channels. So much for my first vacation in 5 years. FML

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By -.- - 13/4/2014 22:16 - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

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By Pissssd - 31/8/2009 01:56 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a job at a pharmaceutical lab. During the interview, I said something about a past work experience that made the interviewers think that I would enjoy doing something similar to that... so they gave me a warehouse job instead. I have a degree in chemistry and biology. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - 18/7/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By Agathus - 10/11/2011 14:35 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

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By NotASquirrel - 12/3/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

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By bm - 11/2/2009 19:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I were looking at pictures from the beach. She goes, "That is a REALLY ugly picture of Michelle" (my cousin). The picture was of me. FML

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By ohnoooooo - 3/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched my boyfriend's band play a gig. I also found out he pulls the same faces playing the bass as he does when we have sex. FML

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By Stolemylady - 4/6/2012 07:05 - Australia

Today, while at my ex-girlfriend's wedding, I had to hear her explain how she met the love of her life. This happened in the four years we were dating. FML

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By goodbye-college - 15/8/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

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By higgles15 - 5/6/2012 19:42 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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By secretninja64 - 21/8/2014 03:47 - United States - Saint Francis

Today, I got fired after three days at my new job. They told me it was because of downsizing. They were still interviewing people and had a help wanted sign in the window. FML

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By Mervin22 - 29/1/2011 04:10 - Australia

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2013 18:10 - United States

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

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By neverhealthy - 1/10/2019 02:01

Which toppings?

Today, I read that food cravings are only supposed to last a couple of minutes. I have been craving and dreaming about pizza for a month straight, and the urge is only getting stronger. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By Sewert_5 - 10/11/2015 16:16

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

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By jacky tu - 16/10/2010 03:06 - United States

Today, I got grounded because I didn't go to my dog's birthday party. FML

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By ontherun2012 - 14/2/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

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By awkwardmandy - 11/3/2016 18:28 - United States - Okeene

Today, my ex-boyfriend decided to humiliate me by confessing to my dad in detail what he and I had done together and "apologizing" for taking my virginity. FML

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By hustled - 24/8/2012 00:05 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

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By - 20/1/2017 09:25

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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By alexis89 - 26/5/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

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By Sonic - 29/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By rachiej8 - 10/6/2012 04:13 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

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By NotSoYoung - 17/6/2009 16:35 - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

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Top comments

By mastamouse | 12

#6100881 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

I've come to realize that some people in this world just lack brains.

By ThepurpleCow | 19

#6100884 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

Stupid you are. Breed you must not.

Comments

By people_annoy_me | 23

#6100879 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:27

Damn.

chadermcchaf | 16

#6100974 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:48

#32 I didn't know that there were godly rules for typing in comments in FML. Who cares? Maybe he's just speechless.

TanzWolf | 26

#6100982 - Sunday 26 October 2014 21:01

"Especially for 1st comment" why does it matter what he says if he's the first commenter?

battlehamster | 8

#6101005 - Sunday 26 October 2014 21:36

Dayaam.

MsKatieFace | 11

#6101054 - Sunday 26 October 2014 22:36

Maybe, #1 is Ron Simmons...

By mastamouse | 12

#6100881 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

I've come to realize that some people in this world just lack brains.

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6100906 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:40

Shockingly, these people are reproducing at a rapid rate, and soon stupidity will take over the world.

JMichael | 25

#6100934 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:04

The lack of knowledge hurts my brain.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6101006 - Sunday 26 October 2014 21:38

A la Idiocracy.

Truthexists1 | 12

#6101402 - Monday 27 October 2014 3:50

Lol Roflmao High five dude!!

myusername23 | 17

#6101511 - Monday 27 October 2014 5:53

You only just figured this out?

By person108 | 9

#6100882 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

some people

sayyestothedress | 24

#6101023 - Sunday 26 October 2014 22:10

Zzzzome people (failed pun)

AriettaX | 15

#6101494 - Monday 27 October 2014 5:32

Hahaha some people just dont "fly" by life! ...... ha.

By ThepurpleCow | 19

#6100884 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

Stupid you are. Breed you must not.

blackonblight | 32

#6101354 - Monday 27 October 2014 2:48

Is that the only thing you can comment?

ThepurpleCow | 19

#6102415 - Tuesday 28 October 2014 1:12

No. You should of seen what I've done. There are just a LOT of stupid people and for most of these it seem fit.

By ostfaiz | 18

#6100886 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

hope your manager becomes deaf

ninjadinos | 14

#6100909 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:40

But...why?

sarah5745 | 41

#6100914 - Sunday 26 October 2014 19:45

That's a bit harsh #5

RecklessLove | 18

#6100938 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:07

I'm pretty sure he meant so the manager doesn't have to hear the lady complain anymore.

sarah5745 | 41

#6100950 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:21

Still harsh nonetheless..

Khaleesi_26 | 30

#6100955 - Sunday 26 October 2014 20:22

Well #24 if that was the case then the wording for that is all wrong. #5's comment seems to imply that he agrees with the lady that yelled at your manager.