Work: Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 38

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

26/10/2014 05:17

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 196

You deserved it 2 486

Dysfunctional

Good kid

Judge not lest ye be judged

Revenge is sweet yogurt

By Doomed - 24/07/2021 08:02

Spicy

Today, my coworker made up a story about me “sexually harassing” her and filed a complaint to my boss. All because I took the last plastic spoon from the breakroom, and she couldn’t eat her yogurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 72

29/07/2015 06:15

Spicy

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 842

You deserved it 9 693

04/06/2016 07:41

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 400

You deserved it 2 437

11/09/2010 00:39

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 801

You deserved it 41 935

14/05/2010 04:33

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 071

You deserved it 32 280

Disgusting

By ocdeane - 01/10/2019 22:00

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 245

What a cozy moment.

By ratfaced - 12/10/2017 07:00

Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 641

You deserved it 357

23/01/2010 16:14

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share a toothbrush with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 732

You deserved it 6 259

18/12/2016 23:58

Today, while cooking supper with my boyfriend, we both smelled something funny. He tasted the sauce I was making, then asked me to taste it because something was off. I guess the burned teflon of our cheap pot mixed with Rotel just doesn't work that well. Now we're having dry chicken and plain noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 741

You deserved it 660

04/07/2016 17:59

Today, I had to awkwardly sit next to my ex and her mother on a 2-hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 417

You deserved it 2 273

28/11/2009 04:13

Today, my mom came home and told me she was going back to college. She's going to the community college that a lot of the graduates from my school go to. She has biology with my ex. They're lab partners and have to do take home labs together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 629

You deserved it 2 677

13/11/2011 22:46

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 325

You deserved it 58 441

10/02/2010 05:11

Today, a white guy tried to teach me to use chopsticks properly. I'm Chinese and have been using them since I could eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 703

You deserved it 4 863

26/12/2009 22:00

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 513

You deserved it 3 174

29/07/2014 07:58

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 129

You deserved it 69 435

12/01/2012 10:14

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 727

You deserved it 2 432

04/01/2015 01:30

Today, I went into labor and got my husband drive me to the hospital. Instead of staying by my side, he rushed back home for a World of Warcraft raid. His excuse? His friends were counting on him and they'd be pissed if he let them down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 162

You deserved it 5 901

19/04/2011 00:48

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 704

You deserved it 8 424

20/04/2013 23:08

Today, I overheard the guy I like talking to one of his friends about me. His friend asked if he and I were dating, to which he replied, "No way, dude. I have standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 696

You deserved it 4 862

06/04/2009 05:07

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 470

You deserved it 63 492

09/03/2011 22:27

Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 305

You deserved it 4 536

27/06/2009 04:05

Today, I told to my son that I'm pregnant. After I'd told him, he looked up and yelled, "Fuck this shit!" and walked out of the room. My son is nine years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 007

You deserved it 28 856

22/11/2017 13:00

Today, I booked my holiday flights. There's 700 miles between the small country I live in and the family I'm visiting, normally one 3-hour flight. Thanks to hurricanes Irma and Maria, the only available route traverses 1700 miles and will take 26 continuous hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 340

You deserved it 303

This woman's work

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 17:02

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 81

20/03/2011 23:29

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 756

You deserved it 15 661

15/12/2009 08:10

Today, I was excited when I saw a missed call. It wasn't my ex-boyfriend finally willing to talk, it was the creepy guy I met on the bus in November who I haven't seen since but has written me poetry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 065

You deserved it 6 584

19/10/2018 17:30

Today, I discovered that my dog knows how to lock doors. This wouldn't have been a problem if anyone in my house every carried a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 309

You deserved it 602

07/10/2009 02:07

Today, I was walking my dog when, as usual, he did his business in the grass and stepped off to the side. I squatted and reached for the bag when my dog spotted another canine. He lunged forward in excitement and I landed face forward in the feces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 734

You deserved it 4 088

10/11/2015 05:52

Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 064

You deserved it 3 749

12/11/2013 23:57

Today, my mom showed my girlfriend a picture of me crying when I pooped in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 882

You deserved it 5 220

08/03/2009 19:08

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 424

You deserved it 10 843

06/08/2012 11:20

Today, my girlfriend told me she was over her addiction and wished to quit cold turkey. I cancelled all my plans to stay home and support her. She didn't mean her tobacco addiction, no no. Her corn chip addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 289

You deserved it 2 854

27/05/2012 13:20

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 204

You deserved it 2 609

10/09/2009 15:58

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 603

You deserved it 3 140

Family extension

By now what - 26/07/2020 05:01

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 679

You deserved it 180

21/09/2018 06:00

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 539

You deserved it 618

12/12/2014 19:52

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 826

You deserved it 7 946

13/02/2009 00:54

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 165

You deserved it 43 452

02/11/2014 04:51

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 034

You deserved it 7 599

19/06/2012 10:51

Today, I found out that my husband and my cat have something in common; they both like to lick themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 206

You deserved it 2 728

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

I've come to realize that some people in this world just lack brains.

ThepurpleCow 19

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

Stupid you are. Breed you must not.

Comments

people_annoy_me 23

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:27

Damn.

chadermcchaf 16

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Sunday 26 October 2014 20:48

#32 I didn't know that there were godly rules for typing in comments in FML. Who cares? Maybe he's just speechless.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 21:01

"Especially for 1st comment" why does it matter what he says if he's the first commenter?

battlehamster 8

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Sunday 26 October 2014 21:36

Dayaam.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 22:36

Maybe, #1 is Ron Simmons...

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

I've come to realize that some people in this world just lack brains.

BigLatchZatch 14

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:40

Shockingly, these people are reproducing at a rapid rate, and soon stupidity will take over the world.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 20:04

The lack of knowledge hurts my brain.

laden_swallow09 34

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Sunday 26 October 2014 21:38

A la Idiocracy.

Truthexists1 12

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Monday 27 October 2014 3:50

Lol Roflmao High five dude!!

myusername23 17

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Monday 27 October 2014 5:53

You only just figured this out?

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

some people

sayyestothedress 24

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Sunday 26 October 2014 22:10

Zzzzome people (failed pun)

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Monday 27 October 2014 5:32

Hahaha some people just dont "fly" by life! ...... ha.

ThepurpleCow 19

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:28

Stupid you are. Breed you must not.

blackonblight 32

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Monday 27 October 2014 2:48

Is that the only thing you can comment?

ThepurpleCow 19

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Tuesday 28 October 2014 1:12

No. You should of seen what I've done. There are just a LOT of stupid people and for most of these it seem fit.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

hope your manager becomes deaf

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:40

But...why?

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:45

That's a bit harsh #5

RecklessLove 18

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Sunday 26 October 2014 20:07

I'm pretty sure he meant so the manager doesn't have to hear the lady complain anymore.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 20:21

Still harsh nonetheless..

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Sunday 26 October 2014 20:22

Well #24 if that was the case then the wording for that is all wrong. #5's comment seems to imply that he agrees with the lady that yelled at your manager.

RecklessLove 18

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Sunday 26 October 2014 21:33

Please explain to me how it implies that.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

This is why I don't eat outside.

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

That's crazy OP. That lady lacks intelligence and needs help lol

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:14

what does OP mean?

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

You should have killed the flies by smacking them across their face. Some people are just dumb. Social Darwinism needs to take place.

austincain117 16

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:29

People are so stupid sometimes

rainbowsandshit1 20

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Sunday 26 October 2014 19:30

Wow just wow