Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been...

By Anon - 21/4/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I finally exchanged pictures with the woman I've been seeing online for some time now. She replied, saying "Thats not funny. Some people actually look like that." I sent my real picture, and thought I actually looked pretty good in it. FML

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Love

Understandable

Basic Instinct

Not a cheating!

By oops - 19/4/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By Macy - 11/6/2011 20:36 - Italy

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 20:08

Cash dispenser

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

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By Angry Mob - 1/2/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It only kept smelling my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, my face got intimate with several plywood boards, and I suffered lacerations and bruising. I told my friends I got the wounds from taking a few guys down in a bar fight. Now they're dragging me out into a rough part of town to give them "muscle" while they try to score some crack. FML

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By sadbride - 9/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

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By seanjohn268 - 29/11/2011 17:21 - Canada

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 23:39 - United States - Erie

Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

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By Victoria - 21/10/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

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By Sheev - 18/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Francisco

This Charming Man

Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML

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By jasondrags - 3/7/2015 13:42 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I tried to arrange my first gallery exhibition as a photography student. Not even my mother wants to come. FML

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By Snow - 7/2/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - 19/4/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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By Patricia - 1/10/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By bibi - 19/3/2012 23:43 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I went to see a dinosaur exhibition with my mum. We walked around and saw a huge dinosaur, made of plastic and rubber. She was very disappointed, saying that she thought there would be real live dinosaurs for us to see. FML

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By amythest - 13/2/2012 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

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By dead man walking? - 4/10/2015 13:21 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By Help - 16/9/2011 16:20 - Australia

Today, at work, I found a used condom in the fax machine. I'm the electrical maintenance repair for the company. I have to untangle it from the belts. FML

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By Anna - 2/7/2016 21:08 - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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By fuck off, dad - 2/1/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

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By puppielover - 21/8/2010 17:25 - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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By Nucleus - 8/10/2015 13:48 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I complained about being bored to death on Facebook. Someone took it as a suicide threat and called the police. They showed up at my apartment and my workplace. FML

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By AHole - 21/11/2012 14:03 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

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By SeriouslyDad - 22/9/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

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By lmaofuck - 26/5/2016 01:06 - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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By blondebarbie271 - 26/7/2015 23:55 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

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By ohbiebjetaime - 30/6/2012 20:09 - France

Today, a guy asked for my number at a party. As I was entering my number into his phone, my name and a picture of me popped up. I'm afraid I just met my stalker. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 20:04

More proof the system is broken

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

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By fuckMYlife94321 - 26/4/2009 16:21 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 23:01

Drained

Today, after following the directions and drinking a gallon of what can only be described as an industrial strength laxative for a scheduled colonoscopy. I shit my brains out for nearly 12 hours. The hospital then called and canceled my procedure an hour before my arrival time. FML

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By - 12/1/2020 18:00

New revelation

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By Elisa_LmR - 3/1/2014 23:28 - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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By Drew - 1/6/2019 18:00

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

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By yapDogs - 10/5/2015 01:43 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

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By SherryBaby - 29/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

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By Heart-Broken - 9/4/2015 01:58 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I was paired up with my long-term crush for a project. She introduced herself to me and asked if I was new this year. We've gone to the same school since kindergarten. FML

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Top comments

By I_am_stupid_also | 6

#131477 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:18

I think #10 is going to be getting some nasty stuff in her inbox soon.

By Green12324 | 0

#131409 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:04

Oh dang, that sucks.

COMMENTS

By MattGil | 0

#131408 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:04

ahah ouch, it sucks to be ugly

123sploosh | 0

#353939 - Tuesday 30 June 2009 6:18

i bet you are ugly. matt.

Darraghscoot | 0

#892448 - Thursday 25 February 2010 22:25

haaaahaaaaa! YDI for meeting someone online (:

prinny_fml | 0

#1025617 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 23:12

op is probably just obese which is different from ugly but worse

LaneyyLOVE | 0

#1048211 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 7:31

yea Matt, where's your picture bud?! aha.

hellokittywhore | 0

#1234594 - Friday 13 August 2010 10:43

your ego

____ __________

unrecoverable. at best. -_-

Beast962 | 4

#2646397 - Thursday 9 June 2011 6:10

Im guessing your used to it right?

By Green12324 | 0

#131409 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:04

Oh dang, that sucks.

By jenn03 | 0

#131411 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:05

aww.

By snorlax422 | 0

#131412 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:05

Ooh! FYL indeed. Well, at least you're not the only one who's apparently ugly.

By Abirys | 0

#131431 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:08

lol that stinks

By Emzoo | 0

#131432 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:08

[email protected] #1

By steinway | 0

#131435 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:09

hahahahahahahahaha

By tozfeekum | 0

#131436 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:09

we need a picture..

By Calaura9 | 0

#131450 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:11

Send me a pic! My email address is [email protected] I really want to see!

SynysterNero | 20

#5521572 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 7:00

You do realize now anyone can send you stuff right?

zach205 | 24

#5934056 - Saturday 3 May 2014 21:56

ok, I shall apply you to every spam mail website in existence

JJ_86 | 22

#5945195 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 23:11

Too late now though spending your time to spam a mailbox which most probably have not been used for 4-5 years.

By NGM_KID | 0

#131458 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 2:13

So what should i type on google to see it? troll, monster guy, stalker ugly man......? TELL ME!! lol

Cambo9000 | 0

#820413 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 3:50

Try Godzilla