Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
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Today, the medication I’ve been taking has caused me to become constipated for so long I'm now unable to go, because all my poop is a solid mass in my bowels no stool softener can touch. So a surgeon is either going up my ass with a hose and a spoon, or cutting open my stomach to remove it. FML
Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML
Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML
Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML
Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML
Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML
Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
+1 for describing it as "small child wrapped in barbed wire". I think that really adds to the imagery
kiran_fml 5
Maybe you should ask for an alternate medicine if they offer it.
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Comments (183)
perdix 31
With friends like codeine, who needs enemas? You do.
MrsPegg 45
I think it's time to tell your nurse OP. There's most likely something they can do to help you out.
SkoomaKi 28
Watch the grudge....that little "baby" will pop out like there's no tomorrow.....
loserman67 36
Number one, LOVE the nicname -- very fitting. Number two and someone already beat me to the advice, eat a couple of McDonald's burgers with a cup of coffee and hold on. You'll have the screaming ***** in no time flat. Good Luck OP, feel better.
ShyAnn29 15
It depends on when he had surgery if he can eat or not
loserman67 36
perdix - love it, love it, love it. I heard the rim shot in my head as I read your post.
Birdie_Sage 0
It will get better, I pray to the wise bird for your recovery. Ahahahah! screaming monkey.
DocBastard 40
Whatever you do, do NOT use an enema or suppository. If you had left-sided colon surgery, this is a great way to get an anastomotic leak. Only use medicine from above. You can try stool softeners, laxatives, mineral oil, milk of magnesia, magnesium citrate, prune juice, whatever. Try to minimise narcotic use. In all likelihood you have an ileus which will resolve itself. Good luck.
loserman67 36
AAAwwwwww come on Doc. From a purely medical standpoint I am sure your advice is spot on, as usual. But from a comic standpoint, why no witty remark about the "baby wrapped in barbed wire" analogy? Or no remark about anal stretching, or SOMETHING? I always look to you for excellent advice regarding medical issues and/or grammar, but also for your biting sense of humor.
DocBastard 40
Meh. I must not be feeling it today, as evidenced by my missing of Feared's Oxytocin joke above. Bleh.
ShyAnn29 15
Magnesium Citrate is nasty!! I've had to drink it several different times when I had my surgeries, but it does work very well
jazzybaby179 22
Screaming monkey lol:)
terrask 11
Should've been prescribed a mild laxative, sennosides and the likes. Go see your doctor otherwise your stitches wont last another day.
titzenpitzer 9
you're giving the writers of SAW some new ideas here...