Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, the medication I’ve been taking has caused me to become constipated for so long I'm now unable to go, because all my poop is a solid mass in my bowels no stool softener can touch. So a surgeon is either going up my ass with a hose and a spoon, or cutting open my stomach to remove it. FML
Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML
Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML
Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML
Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML
Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML
Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML
Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
+1 for describing it as "small child wrapped in barbed wire". I think that really adds to the imagery
kiran_fml 5
Maybe you should ask for an alternate medicine if they offer it.
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Comments (183)
perdix 31
The "small child wrapped in barbed wire" is called a beazor. What a great comedic word! It's like blumpkin.
DocBastard 40
Bezoar* And bezoars are typically found in the stomach, although they can technically be anywhere in the GI tract. Sorry, Perdix. I couldn't let it go.
perdix 31
Thanks. I try to be correct with my spelling, but I think the spell-checker gives up on bezoar/beazor. I've heard they occur in the guts of people on narcotic pain-relievers, because one thing they slow down is the peristalsis that moves waste through the GI tract. Elvis and John Wayne reportedly had huge ones discovered in their autopsies.
perdix 31
Doc, I hit Wikipedia (I'm sure you love when your patients go there or to WebMD) and found an even more awesome word: fecalith, a bezoar in the colon. A shit stone!
DocBastard 40
Yup - fecaliths are very common causes of appendicitis, so I've removed several hundred of them. You can also have trichobezoars (hairballs) and phytobezoars (made of plant fibers). Google those two terms for some really disturbing images!
perdix 31
Thanks, but after the Blue Waffle, I've resisted the urge to view disturbing images. I like the idea of the bezoars caused by eating unripened persimmons. There's an obscure word!
simpleman124 1
Could be worse, it could always be worse
Chazyj 4
Damn I feel for you bro !!!
hollyisawesome 2
Try an enema!
lovebeecharmer 6
I'm allergic to it, makes me SCREAM involuntarily like I'm being murdered.
lazypopo 0
Don't feel bad I'm recovering from a bilateral hip replacement and they have me oxycodone for pain medicine. It gets me really constipated too, but that's why the surgeon put me on laxatives and stool softeners. Maybe you should let your surgeon know and he/she will prescribe you some. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
KatieSue7 10
I had this surgery as well and it was worse then when I was in labor. At least when I was in labor I got an epidural. The same thing happened to me. I would suggest going back to the doctor and telling them to prescribe you something. I went six days without going to the bathroom and it was hell. The longer you wait the more pain you will endure.
KatieSue7 10
Oh, and drink LOTS of water. No amount of stool softener will help if you don't drink water so that the medicine will have water from your body to soften the stool with!
skyeyez9 25
Drink some prune juice, it is supposed to loosen your poop and make you go easier.
sougstad 7
Better break out the KY and push that shit out! Better then getting your shit pushed in!!!