Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad.... - FML

By melon squash - 11/9/2016 10:15 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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Proactive

Bad news

Non-baby fever

By Olorin - 12/8/2010 23:21 - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 20:38 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

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By Muralove - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

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By WaitedOut - 3/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

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By maxkeyftw - 17/10/2013 05:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

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By sleeper - 2/3/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I had to say "Put away your burrito," "that ruler is not a light saber," and "stop making dog noises" all in the same sentence at work. I teach Advanced Placement Calculus to high school seniors. FML

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By footstuck - 13/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Winterville

Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML

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By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 22:00

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By so unsexy - 4/8/2016 21:32 - United States - Seattle

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 06:00

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By Toaster - 30/7/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

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By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

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By CyberPsycho - 28/7/2016 16:24 - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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By Andrew - 28/8/2011 22:37 - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

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By lacy - 1/3/2014 08:23 - United States - Louisville

Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

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By scribbler8 - 14/10/2011 09:35 - Canada

Today, at work, a customer asked for my number. When I declined, he made a huge scene, shouting and scaring other customers. He tipped me seven cents. FML

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By thatsnotacat - 21/11/2013 17:52 - Australia - West End

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML

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By corfan01 - 5/10/2009 11:11 - United States

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

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By claustrophobic - 4/5/2016 19:03 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

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By FuckPollen - 8/7/2015 11:01 - United Kingdom - Hartlepool

Today, I attended a work interview. My hay fever has been flaring up during the hot weather, causing my throat to swell up and make me short of breath, which I explained. The woman interviewing me told me I was unsuccessful, as customers wouldn't be able to understand someone with my 'disability'. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By hangman - 1/8/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

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By Hapaboy808 - 8/7/2020 23:01

The final countdown

Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML

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By Noname - 14/2/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

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By Jennifer Sara Harms - 19/8/2019 00:01

Today, I made a 6-hour trip just to go to the wrong art festival. I have to go back and make the same trip again tomorrow. FML

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By TabbyCat87 - 18/10/2019 16:00

Cursed lake

Today, our boat broke down in the middle of a lake at sunset. We called our friend for help, and his truck and trailer got stuck in mud at the boat ramp. We called the sheriff's office to tow his vehicle out of the mud. The tow strap broke. FML

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By mommyfairy - 12/3/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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By gj09 - 22/11/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By BreakingTheMood - 13/11/2013 18:08 - Finland - Vanda

Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 20:36 - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By wasntworththedrive - 20/1/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

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By bopbop - 20/5/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, my brother came out to our family as being gay. My mother starting crying because "She wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML

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By HeatoN - 22/12/2008 01:44 - Germany

Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 21:57 - United States - Dewitt

Today, my 4 year old son groped my breasts and said, "This is what daddy told me to do." FML

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By swimmonster81 - 25/12/2015 21:22

Today, my mother told me how she managed to afford all of the expensive Christmas presents we got. She took out extra money when applying for my student loans. FML

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By nooo - 5/2/2015 00:00 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I got a wedgie after a workout class. As I was walking, I used my gym bag to discreetly unwedgie it, and then turned around to check that no one was there. The cute guy that I had a crush on last year was right behind me, and by the look on his face, it wasn't discreet. FML

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Top comments

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6688052 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:28

On the plus side your wording is top notch.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6688055 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:34

That sounds terrible, but I laughed pretty hard at the term "fruit cheese."

I wish you luck getting it cleaned up. You definitely don't want that smell sticking around.

COMMENTS

By Bassam24 | 21

#6688051 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:26

Holy shit that must suck...good luck cleaning it.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6688052 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:28

On the plus side your wording is top notch.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6688374 - Monday 12 September 2016 23:25

OP may not have a future as a watermelon farmer, but as an author? There's a chance.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6688055 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:34

That sounds terrible, but I laughed pretty hard at the term "fruit cheese."

I wish you luck getting it cleaned up. You definitely don't want that smell sticking around.

By hkhan24 | 23

#6688061 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:38

It must have been left there a long time to get that bad.

By klutzyduck1 | 24

#6688064 - Monday 12 September 2016 9:40

Bright side: you could be the next Gallagher. His exploding watermelons don't have anything on your trick! I feel bad, that's going to be awful to clean. And from your description of the grossness, you will probably never eat watermelon again.

By meghanclean | 17

#6688079 - Monday 12 September 2016 10:47

I'm in awe with your description... that's disgusting.

By awildwhisper | 30

#6688089 - Monday 12 September 2016 11:03

Very good use of adjectives for visual stimulation.

By species4872 | 19

#6688105 - Monday 12 September 2016 12:00

You do realize that because of the watermelon escapade most of the audience has now left.

By TabooSushi | 24

#6688111 - Monday 12 September 2016 12:38

Keep all possible windows/sources of ventilation open for as long as possible for a good while. It's probably the only way the smell will eventually dissipate.

By hanslicktenstein | 21

#6688136 - Monday 12 September 2016 14:37

try getting a high pressure hose and spraying it out

Reply

thatweirdasian | 22

#6688445 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 4:38

Yes, let's just flood the kitchen instead.