Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates... - FML

By LilyL - 6/6/2010 21:53 - United States

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

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Business savvy

What did I do?

Ambien conversations are the worst

By JohnBlack - 12/6/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By damn you Ambien - 3/8/2016 05:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

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By jack1057 - 14/7/2020 05:01

Black Lives Matter

Today, I was on my way home and there were BLM protestors, who I have no problem with, but my car was parked where they were and I had to sit there for three hours until they left so I could drive off. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

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By suckstobeme - 16/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By FMlovelife - 28/6/2012 15:28 - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

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By skipperpop - 11/8/2016 22:24 - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

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By kibblegirl - 6/6/2019 00:01

Today, I was so hungry that my mouth started watering during a dog food commercial. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2014 21:38 - Australia - Granville

Today, I took a look at my 9-year-old daughter's diary, thinking it would be full of cute stuff. Instead, it was full of hateful rants against me and my husband, as well the boys at her school, who she called gay because none of them ever hit on her. It seems I've failed as a parent. FML

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By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

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By nothowscienceworks - 13/11/2015 07:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 11:10 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, the rollercoaster I was on stuck upside down for a few minutes. I shat myself in terror. Then, gravity took effect. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - 16/5/2012 03:05 - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By boudinette - 15/4/2015 10:14 - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

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By zevil - 18/11/2008 16:54 - Peru

Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression, I spend a lot of time getting ready and by the time I get to the place we were supposed to meet she isn't there anymore. I call her to see where she is. She's in bed with another guy and says "I was REALLY waiting for you". FML

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By Entheatus - 10/8/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By NotTheSoulMate - 26/9/2013 06:54 - United States

Today, even though I don't necessarily believe in soul mates, I found out my wife does. She met hers a few weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 01:13 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2015 06:40 - United States - Cary

Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML

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By tillyg15 - 2/5/2012 11:18 - United Kingdom - Droitwich

Today, I had to ring up our local competitors to get prices for paint. I pretended I'd just bought a house and was doing it up, and I actually got excited about doing up a make-believe house. FML

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By 1ndustrytx - 4/9/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 21:24 - Portugal - Alg

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity. When he saw blood, he panicked and started crying, convinced that he was bleeding out. FML

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By nurse - 13/9/2019 02:01 - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By MrsFart - 18/8/2018 01:30

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 17:33 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML

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By - 17/1/2020 18:00

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By footfood - 27/6/2011 14:56 - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 17:20 - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

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By jonas_93 - 5/4/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I went to a club with a couple of my friends. I met a really cute guy and we were getting along pretty well. We eventually exchanged numbers. Later on I decided to call him and set up a date. The number he gave me was the Rejection Hotline number. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 14:00 - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

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By Stuckism - 15/9/2009 17:16 - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By klv8 - 7/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I logged onto facebook to realize that my boyfriend is now listed as single. News to me. FML

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By gj09 - 22/11/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By Eli - 14/1/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

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By wmhh26 - 14/7/2019 00:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

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Top comments

By GoPlayInTraffic | 2

#1022094 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:05

At least its roomates. I just got home from a busy day and I want to cook supper but until I could start I had to move dumped purse contents from the stove top, papers, tissues, makeup, crap, along with dirty dishes from the work area next to the stove. And for my own sanity I brought dirty dishes from the living room, as well as threw away several used facial tissues that were laying around. I cleaned Friday. It's only Sunday and I was barely home yesterday. I have a messy wife. FML4life

By Thunderbender | 2

#1021996 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:17

Life just said fuck yo couch

COMMENTS

By ScooterScott | 0

#1021994 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:16

Sucks for you

Reply

vexxcis | 0

#1021999 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:18

Screw your roommates! Tell them to clean it up!

Reply

chrissycrunk | 0

#1022010 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:20

your like the doormat for these people huh xD

Reply

rawrcupcakesz | 0

#1022014 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:21

chrissy buddy lol hi!!

OP stop bitching its not an FML

Reply

Weird_Gurl7504 | 0

#1022017 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:22

hold up you spent HOURS?!?! geez

Reply

zilepo | 1

#1022025 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:26

I agree with 4. Make them clean it up :)

Reply

IchbinSyn | 0

#1022027 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:26

Get some new Roomates

Reply

ScooterScott | 0

#1022039 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:31

Anyone wanna make me a fan sign? Doesn't have to be fancy. 4_ P. _a___b_ __y. Fill in the blanks.

Reply

FML_Leet | 0

#1022042 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:32

Get Cleaning!

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#1022083 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:56

that must have been a big can or a small kitchen

Reply

FTC_Socialist | 3

#1022084 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:57

I agree with 27. This would be after I shit on their coats, though.

Reply

seanreddog | 4

#1022118 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:25

Wipe it up. You're a slob too if you haven't cleaned it before, and an extra couple minutes cleaning shouldn't be a big deal since you've already spent hours on it.

Reply

MnBran6 | 0

#1022126 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:34

Dane Cook ftw

Reply

skullbashd | 3

#1022137 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:43

she's a women it's her job

Reply

katTKD | 0

#1022141 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:47

looks like it's time to wash dishes....just put on some music and have fun with it lol I like washing dishes

Reply

sukhdeep | 4

#1022173 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:19

lol Sorrry! I would clean it for you if I could! (only if u gave me 20 bucks)

Reply

tjrocks1294 | 0

#1022174 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:19

fyl

Reply

TokioxxHotel | 0

#1022202 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:45

lmao at the Dane cook reference.
'SOMEBODY SHIT ON THE COATS!'

Reply

#1022217 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:56

Damn...that sucks. FYL.

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022218 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:57

I love Dane Cook :) and op that sucks, make them clean it up you don't deserve that.

Reply

120796gators | 0

#1022220 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:58

so u cleaned for hours how about u let ur roomates get the soda this time(yes I no they won't clean it up)

Reply

edgerrin00 | 0

#1022221 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:59

ya just leave it there and if they complain tell them that since you cleaned up their mess they gotta clean up yours

Reply

TokioxxHotel | 0

#1022224 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:08

oh, and I hope 9 is missing all of this so they don't have to deal with your guys' little comments. narcassistic bastards.

Reply

TokioxxHotel | 0

#1022226 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:10

wrong post. lmao.

Reply

zakkyzebra | 11

#1022228 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:11

piss on their beds.

Reply

alex0689 | 1

#1022235 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:15

f u skullbashd

Reply

sweetlybroken11 | 2

#1022242 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:21

niceeee 77
and that sucks, be like i tried! now its ur turn OP (:

Reply

catsareahmazing | 0

#1022244 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:22

Gotta love roomates.

Reply

AbnormalAshley | 0

#1022262 - Monday 7 June 2010 4:40

OP's Roommates probably shook it up

Reply

NotMeh | 0

#1022372 - Monday 7 June 2010 5:58

Oh noes!

Reply

justj2010 | 0

#1022381 - Monday 7 June 2010 6:20

u rock. I forgot how much music helps with everything. thx for the reminder. hell, even Dexter had background music.

Reply

tencentsakiss | 19

#1022434 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:22

"the floor is all sticky"
"I just came"
hehe I had to add another Dane cook reference

Reply

missmurderx | 8

#1022439 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:25

mm hello there number 9 :D
gorgeous, hahh.
teehee I love Dane cook :D
not so kool aid is my favourite :)

Reply

tencentsakiss | 19

#1022443 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:28

also Daniel tosh is also awesome. even before tosh.0

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1022450 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:36

What a slob
Tsk tsk
Now your roommate
There's a rolemodel
Stop fucking up >.>

Reply

theboss_ishere | 0

#1022457 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:43

sucksssss

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022473 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:06

dude, every girl on this thread is hot. you should all marry me.

Reply

kidsanchez1 | 4

#1022477 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:10

Samantha you a pimp or something marring every girl on here?

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022482 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:18

lol, damn straight :) dont tell Jess though! she hates when I cheat on her.

Reply

LoganBballin16 | 0

#1022486 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:22

54 you are very preatty ;-)

Reply

kidsanchez1 | 4

#1022489 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:24

lol so during the day your all hers but during the night you get all the other girls and act like it never happens the next day and you do that daily right?

Reply

LoganBballin16 | 0

#1022490 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:25

Sam you are beautiful how old r u I can't tell from ur pic..

Reply

kybabyy | 4

#1022493 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:29

The soda will take all of ten minutes to clean!
You just wanted to complain about your slob roommates.

Sammie your new picture is gorgeous (:
And you're right. Pretty much all the girls under # 1 are pretty. I didn't look at the rest of the page. Stupid small pixels

Reply

shezzamezza | 0

#1022497 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:30

That is why I always tap the lid of a can before opening it for about half a minute. Prevents THAT from happening. 

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022509 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:50

135: lol yeah pretty much!:) no it's just when she's not around, I got caught yesterday though!
136: I'm 13, lol.
ky!: why thankyou:D but I will never be as gorgeous as you buttercup!

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1022511 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:53

Stop pretending you don't want me
>.>
You can only resist my smexy pic for so long

Reply

kidsanchez1 | 4

#1022512 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:56

Samantha there is no way you are 13 I would if thought 15 or 16

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022515 - Monday 7 June 2010 8:59

lol want to see my birth certificate?:) 1997 bitchess. yeah I know, sometimes I can't even believe it. I don't act 13 either. lol, someone thought I was 18 once.

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1022517 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:00

142
Then again most people cannot fathom the fact that I'm under 18
People don't look their age sometimes

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022518 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:01

oh and ky, do you have the same colored walls as me?:)

Reply

kidsanchez1 | 4

#1022522 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:05

well that's cool a 13 year old pimpwho gets all the girls and dosent look her age

oh Samantha you got to remember keep your pimp hand strong remember that next time your girls argue with you

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022532 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:08

oh I always keep it strong no worries ;) hahahh.

Reply

kidsanchez1 | 4

#1022554 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:12

alright that's how you got to have it

ps ms.Jessie just got on

Reply

samantha_durano | 6

#1022576 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:21

lol, thanks for the heads up!:) so no more asking hot girls out for the moment.

Reply

kybabyy | 4

#1022612 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:37

Aww you're sweet Sammie! I think we're atleast even. Thats why I'm your favorite;) my walls are bluee (: I love it.

P.S hi Loren!

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1022618 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:39

Lol ky WTF
Where have you been?

Reply

kybabyy | 4

#1022650 - Monday 7 June 2010 9:52

Ohhh, out and about.
I decided to try having a life for a little while. =D

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1022696 - Monday 7 June 2010 10:21

O believe me so have I
I try to quickly add a quip every so often on my iPod, but other than times like this I rarely am on here for a sustained period

Reply

TokioxxHotel | 0

#1023041 - Monday 7 June 2010 17:09

143- I look older in person. I'm 15 and I was mistaken for 18. XD Its pretty funny.

Reply

songsparrow | 0

#1023181 - Monday 7 June 2010 21:59

A women? What a dumbass you are!

Reply

glen12 | 0

#1023215 - Monday 7 June 2010 23:07

just get a mop or paper towl it would take u 3 minutes co on

Reply

junior_serb | 4

#1023227 - Monday 7 June 2010 23:41

what the shit is it supposed to be #22.

By Ali_Br_fml | 33

#1021995 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:16

wow, who's the slob now? j/k

Reply

wreckem881 | 0

#1022456 - Monday 7 June 2010 7:43

rule 1 ... never clean up after your POS roomates lol

By Thunderbender | 2

#1021996 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:17

Life just said fuck yo couch

By fsxman1 | 11

#1022000 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:18

hahaha you deserve fat ass

Reply

justj2010 | 0

#1022384 - Monday 7 June 2010 6:21

a fat ass is scrumptious.

By hubbabubbba | 0

#1022001 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:18

:( their fault!!!! it's ok. make them clean it up 

By KoRn_Freak | 0

#1022003 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:19

AughtshfO;HDRKGHSR!
That sux mucho! D:
I would have totaly gone and beat them all up and kicked them out! :)

By Macromartyr | 3

#1022007 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:20

University roommates suck

Reply

JGood08 | 1

#1022175 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:22

yea no shit, like my roomates are cool but messy as hell

By deviousstang | 0

#1022013 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:21

Did u shake it up??? lol make ur roomates help jeez

By illmatic2 | 16

#1022022 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:25

this is a real quick fix. I could clean it up in less then 2 minutes.

Reply

Famousxxx | 0

#1022036 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:30

I know right.

Reply

amandalovee | 0

#1022071 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:49

it doesn't take or it shouldn't take u that long,.....

Reply

seanreddog | 4

#1022130 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:38

Exactly.

Reply

Sammyb123 | 0

#1022359 - Monday 7 June 2010 5:52

52- I miss the photo collage of your cats :(

Reply

seanreddog | 4

#1022413 - Monday 7 June 2010 6:58

Maybe I'll put a new one up tomorrow idk

By jeans2tite | 0

#1022029 - Monday 7 June 2010 1:27

WOW!