Work: Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at...

By blondieforlife - 04/11/2014 03:38 - United States - Racine

Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 445

You deserved it 3 570

Work

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Gonna need more details, please

Real friends

By anonymous - 07/03/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 2 733

By Anonymous - 14/04/2017 02:00

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 094

You deserved it 364

By Anonymous - 31/01/2013 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years decided to buy a $2500 taxidermied wolf on eBay. This is the same guy who refuses to get engaged because it would "cost too much right now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 875

You deserved it 5 747

By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/09/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 798

You deserved it 1 909

By Anonymous - 05/12/2018 03:30 - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 388

You deserved it 225

By biotch - 06/06/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 624

You deserved it 6 381

By LadyGagasLOVER - 08/08/2010 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 699

You deserved it 3 509

Check these out, guys!

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 13:59

Today, instead of forwarding my male boss my Covid screening results, I sent him and the entire leadership team an email offer for testosterone boosters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 686

By Anonymous - 16/04/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 079

You deserved it 11 224

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 09:13 - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 098

You deserved it 7 771

By Anonymous - 16/06/2019 00:01

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 204

Busted

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 05:06 - United States - El Paso

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 560

You deserved it 5 747

By Anonymous - 27/01/2010 02:28 - France

Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 790

You deserved it 30 612

By Anonymous - 03/08/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 943

You deserved it 1 934

Happy Thanksgiving!

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 14:08 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my daughter repeated what she had heard her grandma say when asked to say grace. It happened to be, "Dear God, why the fuck did we invite all these assholes to Thanksgiving?" I don't want to attend any more family gatherings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 125

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 16:54 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was babysitting. As I went to leave the bathroom, someone grabbed the knob and pulled the door shut. I figured it was one of the kids and told them to knock it off. A second later, the grip let off. There was no one there and the kids were still asleep. I don't know what to think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 588

You deserved it 1 790

By livvlynette - 27/02/2010 10:15 - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 065

You deserved it 4 243

By Kait - 05/04/2012 04:13 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 070

You deserved it 3 460

Bored

By Anonymous - 22/01/2012 11:44 - Australia

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 286

You deserved it 7 232

Right in the cussy

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 10:07 - Australia

Today, at work, the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 443

You deserved it 3 229

By Anonymous - 18/06/2019 06:44

Today, I was in a public toilet taking a dump. I then noticed someone trying to peep under the door, so I kicked them in the head as hard as I could. Turned out it was a 5-year-old looking for his parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 1 381

By Marcipaud - 05/05/2016 17:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 548

You deserved it 977

By MitchRapp - 04/03/2016 22:11 - United States

Today, my brother asked me what I want for my birthday, so I said that we could just hang out. He told me I should ask for something more realistic, like a gift card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 998

You deserved it 1 640

By Anonymous - 17/05/2013 20:10 - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 036

You deserved it 13 452

By shikushiku - 03/08/2016 03:12 - United States - Plano

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 292

You deserved it 961

By blondebarbie271 - 26/07/2015 23:55 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 283

You deserved it 14 398

By make america date again - 10/02/2016 17:49 - United States - Blacklick

Today, after months of daily migraines and doctor's visits, I've now been told that my "temporary" hearing loss has nothing to do with my migraines, nor is it temporary at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 603

You deserved it 1 368

By bullllllshittttt - 06/03/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 333

You deserved it 6 541

By ZG_Rules - 20/03/2015 14:38 - Netherlands - Wageningen

Today, I disproved a scientific theory created by my supervisor. He was furious and said that I shouldn't have tried to disprove him. He told me to continue working with his theory and now he threatens to fire me if I publish my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 599

You deserved it 2 953

By Nick - 29/06/2012 21:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 209

You deserved it 6 691

By M - 20/09/2015 23:59 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 145

You deserved it 2 505

By notyourfriend - 09/09/2014 01:26 - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 342

You deserved it 3 440

Relatable, unfortunately

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I realized that I'm at the age that whenever I mention a friend of the opposite gender, my family's first response is asking whether that friend is single. I've already accepted no one will want a pathetic freak like me, so their poking around what few friends I have makes it awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 122

By addie - 03/03/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 149

You deserved it 3 056

Caring parenting

By cinder - 16/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Denver

Today, and every day I decide to get therapy for my severe depression, my parents spring a workload of chores on me, which mentally exhausts me to the point I can’t do anything. Including start my therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 059

You deserved it 217

By ChevRooon - 27/01/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 126

You deserved it 38 949

By kay51 - 24/11/2012 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 755

You deserved it 27 370

Pseudoscience [gone sexual!!]

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 18:01

Today, I went to a chiropractor and got a membership just because I was desperate to be touched by a man after being single for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 265

Whoops

By Anonymous - 06/05/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom - Dewsbury

Today, I was asking my best friend to tell me all the boys she’d had sex with, because I thought she had slept with my boyfriend. She accidentally said my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 393

You deserved it 518

By unknown - 15/09/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 109

You deserved it 6 078

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Top comments

MeanBeagle 22

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:01

would have been more impressed if they left a treadmill at your desk

britt1033 4

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:00

that is absolutely horrid op. your weight is no ones concern but yours.

britt1033 4

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:00

that is absolutely horrid op. your weight is no ones concern but yours.

lakaiskate 12

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:40

What about their doctor?

pinkster2014 25

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:59

#17 - True, but besides their doctor, it's not people's job to decide what to do about her weight and health, especially her co-workers.

britt1033 4

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 16:53

I was not talking about medical professionals I was talking about ops co workers. how would you feel if that happened to you? and no where does it state that op has any medical problems or is seeing a doctor about their weight...

rocker_chick23 27

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 16:58

#17: It is obvious that #1 was talking about the co-workers, not the doctors.

HarshD9619 34

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 17:30

My motto for life: Eat whatever you want. If people judge you about your weight, eat them too

cinskeep43 15

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 20:28

although... depending on the circumstances, fellow passengers on an elevator might be extremely concerned. but I doubt the issue is that bad. and op I'm sorry your coworkers are jerks

juturnaamo 29

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Wednesday 5 November 2014 0:10

I was on an elevator with a (somewhat large) date, and a small Asian woman was staring at him. He looked at the data plate, did some counting on his fingers, and said "Don't worry, we're under the limit."

MeanBeagle 22

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:01

would have been more impressed if they left a treadmill at your desk

ComoEsJuan 24

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:02

Seems urine for a long day, OP.

jack_jill05 14

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:02

Boooo.

pinkster2014 25

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 16:02

Wrong FML

ahippienamedrae 10

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 17:20

You tried. Peece out.

igive 29

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 17:36

You tried too. PEACE out. Ah, wait a second! Peece...PEEce. It was a pun yes?

keifman7 17

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:02

Well it's a good time to start!

jack_jill05 14

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:04

when(if) youre ever ready, youll loose weight, its your choice, not theirs.

britt1033 4

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:07

Ya but who says op is ligatimly over weight? I mean assumptions go a long way but they make you look kinda ass-ish.

cinskeep43 15

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 20:30

assume ass-u-me to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME

RageWolf16 31

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:04

It isn't really their problem but they probably mean the best

MeanBeagle 22

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:06

free stuff.

False_Stupidity 41

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 23:43

That was my first thought too.

Alittleghosty 3

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:11

Well....your coworkers are dicks

awkwardlysmiles 12

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Tuesday 4 November 2014 15:18

That's awful of them, why do they care about your weight so much? I say, tomorrow bring in a fresh batch of hot out of the oven donuts and don't share with any of them! Although this isn't helping with any weight issues you may or may not have, the revenge would be worth it. You can just burn off the carloies tomorrow or so...