Work: Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?"... - FML

By candy - 11/02/2016 12:24 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I greeted my boss with, "Looking good, did you lose weight?" He responded that no, he'd just purchased larger pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 093

You deserved it 3 954

Compromises

Plumbed out

Need warmth

By jalisc512 - 21/08/2014 20:16 - United States - Aurora

Today, my boss threatened to write me up, after I made a slightly rude joke about a coworker everyone hates. A while later, a colleague told me the same joke. Turns out my boss had gone around telling it to everyone else and taking all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 366

You deserved it 5 487

By momolee - 07/07/2012 19:13 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, a woman asked why my daughter doesn't look remotely like me. I just smiled and shrugged it off, but the truth is that she looks exactly like I did before I got my botched plastic surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 990

You deserved it 42 302

By blah! - 08/12/2013 13:19 - United States - Newington

Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 561

You deserved it 4 086

By LaurahLunatic - 05/09/2009 06:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my cat has been laid more times than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 064

You deserved it 6 009

By ordinaryday - 22/05/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 183

You deserved it 3 311

By mishie1 - 21/02/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 647

You deserved it 2 913

By Anonymous - 21/09/2013 04:07 - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 091

You deserved it 3 508

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 23:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 727

You deserved it 32 163

By ididntdoanythingaight - 02/08/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 070

You deserved it 6 122

By PlsForget - 18/08/2016 21:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 600

You deserved it 1 278

Hangry

By Broke as hell - 07/04/2020 23:00

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 138

By ThatSped - 18/02/2016 03:22 - Canada - Moncton

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 895

You deserved it 4 873

By Polmkk - 14/02/2019 15:00 - United States

Today, I was walking along a crowded pier when I stopped to read a sign next to an oddly placed bush. Not even two seconds later, a man popped out of the bush and made me wet myself. People were filming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 628

You deserved it 5 418

By gjh - 19/01/2009 03:20 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 775

You deserved it 13 304

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 07:02 - United States

Today, Child Protective Services came to my house, because my 7-year-old son told people at school that he was uncomfortable sleeping in his uncle's bed. I had to explain to them that the uncle in question died 2 years ago, and that's why it felt weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 319

You deserved it 2 772

By Ouch - 22/05/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 365

You deserved it 13 221

By Emily - 12/11/2012 18:12 - United States - Hayward

Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 941

You deserved it 2 951

By Hurtingincanada - 17/10/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 057

You deserved it 184

By iamchazzi - 01/12/2017 18:30 - United States - Madison

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 478

You deserved it 558

You tried…

By Trapfail - 09/08/2021 04:01

Today, I claimed I was pregnant to get back at my ex and the girl he cheated on me with. I tagged him in my "ultrasound" pic, saying it was his baby, hoping she would dump him. Turns out there’s this thing called "reverse image search" and he posted the Google page where I got the ultrasound from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 4 828

By Anonymous - 24/01/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 701

You deserved it 8 841

By Insanity - 09/04/2015 05:28 - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 084

You deserved it 7 725

Winds of change

By sting - 03/06/2017 04:00

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 998

You deserved it 706

By Anonymous - 19/11/2013 16:50

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 365

You deserved it 2 896

By Brooke - 14/08/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 712

You deserved it 2 332

By ProudMama - 08/01/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 204

You deserved it 3 231

By Anonymous - 14/04/2015 07:21 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 741

You deserved it 4 419

By Rejected - 03/10/2016 16:00 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I told my wife that she gets 100% of me and I keep nothing from her. She told me she doesn't want it and that I should get counseling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 640

You deserved it 1 258

By Octobre - 07/03/2010 01:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 570

You deserved it 27 975

By dracer - 04/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years who I helped through drug rehab and find employment in my office left me for someone else. His explanation was that now that his "head is not clouded with chemicals" and he "makes decent money", he wants to settle down with someone worthy of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 852

You deserved it 3 950

By Anonymous - 12/01/2010 07:45 - United States

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 193

You deserved it 23 703

By vargasm - 18/01/2009 12:12 - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 042

You deserved it 3 624

By Anonymous - 14/05/2016 14:26 - Italy - Bologna

Today, my dog apparently vomited straight down a heating vent while I was out. The stench was so bad that when I got home and the smell hit me, I threw up too. Looks like I'll be spending a few days with my mother as the house airs out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 861

You deserved it 1 252

By random - 15/06/2011 14:23 - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 404

You deserved it 3 170

By QuickieGirl - 16/09/2011 11:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized my girlfriend thinks that the goal of sex is to get it over with as quickly as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 267

You deserved it 6 079

By oopsididitagain - 30/11/2010 18:49 - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 939

You deserved it 30 180

By believe me now?? - 22/01/2016 20:55 - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, my girlfriend read an FML by some guy about fight he had with his nutjob of a girlfriend. It was so bizarrely similar to a fight we had recently that she accused me of not having any balls and bitching about her to strangers. It wasn't even my story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 621

You deserved it 2 047

By kb - 01/02/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 052

You deserved it 2 430

By Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant - 21/08/2016 13:53

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 462

You deserved it 1 553

By loser - 10/10/2009 20:45 - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 578

You deserved it 61 177

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Top comments

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:24

That's one way of cheating the system. I wish that I would have thought of that. In all seriousness though, it's usually not wise to bring up weight at all, unless, you have a very close relationship with someone.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:24

Well did his pants not fit him properly before?

Comments

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:24

Well did his pants not fit him properly before?

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Thursday 11 February 2016 23:12

That is definitely one hole you won't be able to dig yourself out of, OP.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Thursday 11 February 2016 18:24

That's one way of cheating the system. I wish that I would have thought of that. In all seriousness though, it's usually not wise to bring up weight at all, unless, you have a very close relationship with someone.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:25

Maybe you did a good thing asking that

BlueBaronBitch 22

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:26

Should have complimented his pants after, was a risky question from the start

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:31

Don't comment on peoples' weight unless you ask them to - there's way too many ways to upset people. Even if he had lost weight, it could have been due to anything from depression and stress to cancer or an eating disorder.

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Friday 12 February 2016 6:49

In other words, don't ask people anything

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Friday 12 February 2016 13:48

You can bring up other topics at Thanksgiving besides controversial politics and you can compliment people on qualities besides their amount of body fat. Avoiding riskier topics sometimes isn't a total blanket.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:32

Very confused, someone explain please?

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:34

His boss purchased pants larger than normal, OP noticed and assumed his boss had lost weight. Which he didn't.

INDYSTRUCTABLE 43

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Thursday 11 February 2016 20:00

how was that confusing? it was pretty straight forward...

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Thursday 11 February 2016 20:09

19, I was confused as to how she didn't notice he was wearing larger pants.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 20:34

probably didn't notice the size difference on the tag. Unless they only sell pants by color coded sizes in Canada...

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Thursday 11 February 2016 21:54

25, I can confirm that we do not.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:40

Just say..well my compliment still stands. Nice trousers.

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:40

So what? You were just trying to be nice is all

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:40

Same effect with zero effort. Next time, compliment him on his cunning.

sturschaedel 27

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Thursday 11 February 2016 18:43

Well, that's another solution to the problem.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 42

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 146

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 1 022