Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I thought I was waving at my neighbor, who was also waving enthusiastically back. After smiling and gesturing, I realized she was actually cleaning her windows. I was flirting with Windex. FML
Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out of her second story bedroom window, taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned, "My baby's first kiss!" FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML
Today, I was home alone, so for fun I put red lipstick on. A few minutes later, my doorbell rang. I managed to get it off before I got the door. I saw my neighbor, and had a long conversation with him. After which, I came inside and realized I had lipstick all over my teeth. FML
Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Today, I have my bedroom window covered in tinfoil, since there is an insanely bright streetlight right outside my window and nothing else works to block it so when I brought a girl back to my place and she opened the blinds, she saw the tinfoil and stared in horror. I tried to explain but she just stared and stared. FML
Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML
Today, I did the "suck your finger" trick in the car to prevent my lipstick from getting on my teeth and halfway locked eyes with a random dude outside. FML
Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
staymonkey 1
thats pretty pathetic.
rexmaxus 0
some people just need to be punched in the face. you are among them.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (458)
hatcher 0
I don't know if you've noticed, sweetheart, but Edward Cullen isn't real. Let's not even get into whether or not he's a proper vampire thingie... he's a straight up fictional character. Kissing a window is just going to show you what kissing a window is like. Why not actually go... date a real dude? You might get lucky and find one that treats you like a real person as opposed to that shitty emotionally abusive stalking thing Edward does in the book. Why are vampires all after underaged girls? I guess when you're immortal you don't HAVE to worry about statutory rape laws.
chinchy97 0
LOLZ....maybe instead of Windex, your neighbour shouldve bought you Edward Cullen ..!
haj_fml 4
No.
theta_fml 0
This comment is nearly as big of an epic fail as the original post. Just don't talk anymore. At the OP, your life is really ****** up and you should probably grow up and stop fantasizing over a retarded fictional character. And even if you do, do not post it on the Internet, because we will make fun of you.
blastvortex 4
Blast, we're gonna be hearing mindless pap about Twilight for the rest of the year, huh.... Perhaps your neighbor could buy you a life. That's what it sounds like you really need.
Envy_fml 0
#13. Your lips don't stick to glass. Metal, yes. Glass, no. #63. Yes, because everyone lives where you live. There's certainly been plenty of ice where I'm from.
AndelleRae 9
@ 13: No, her lips would not stick to an iced over window. The ice would melt too fast from the heat of her mouth to do any damage. @ 63: I don't know where you live, (if you live in Iowa like the OP, then my point is moot, and I apologize) but there have been plenty of cold mornings here where there has been frost on the grass and windows. I'm not really defending this FML though. This really is kind of pathetic. Why would you want to waste your time pretending to kiss a (made up) borderline abusive stalker?
kris4126 0
Wow, OP, you fail at just about everything. That's pretty much pathetic.
AeryFairy 10
YDI after only that first line.
mps1969 8
Wow I can only imagine what she'll try next to feel how it'd be to have sex with Edward .
KingHumanity 0
If this does not warrant a facepalm........
Rebeccasaurus 0
ou fail so epically it's almost a win