Miscellaneous: Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's... - FML

By fml...really - United States

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

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Serious times

Oh, hai!

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By wahwah - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

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By ThisPerson - Canada

Today, my 53 year-old art teacher told me she's excited about going clubbing this weekend. I'm excited about watching a special on the History Channel. FML

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By alchy - United States

Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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By mikki bee - United States - Reno

Today, I decided to start jogging and exercising, so I had a wonderful workout before work. Then I broke my foot at work. Goodbye exercising. FML

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By Shelle - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

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By phreshrice - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokémon and Bionicles in his room. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 16:01 - United Kingdom

Can't catch a break

Today, I’ve been working 4 months to cover people isolating, so I was finally looking forward to a Saturday of fishing, a date night then a lazy Sunday watching TV. Only my wife who, as soon as she heard I had a whole weekend free, handed me a list of vital house jobs that need doing, “NOW NOW NOW.” FML

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By heterolifepartner - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?" FML

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By GidleyWife - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

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By useless pos - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went out to buy a bottle of wine and some condoms. As the cashier scanned the condoms, she snickered and muttered, "Yeah right." She was right; I really was just desperate to look like I have a sex life. I got so upset that I left my items and walked out with tears in my eyes. FML

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By kevdev - United States

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

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By No Action Fighter - United States

Freaked out

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

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By jentea - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

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By Eh.. - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

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By FD4

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

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By notagoodjoke - United States - Vincentown

Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "is the tiny one in your pants?". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

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By unknown - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

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By ac13 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how excited I was to drive 12 hours to see him and his new house. His girlfriend answered. FML

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By SebastianMiko - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By gotta love my momma - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

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By madamefuxalittle - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

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By yrfavweapon - United States

Today, after two hours, I finally got my very cranky, sick baby to fall asleep. Five minutes later, a neighbor started shooting off fireworks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

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By XxDanno316xX - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

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By DSM - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

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By LiquorChick - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

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By vela9002 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By guest - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

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By Luke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

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By rejectedson - United States

Today, my father got married. He left me a voicemail to tell me all about it. FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By LIFT - 23/7/2020 08:01

Ant life

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

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By brows - United States

Today, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a korean salon. I have never been there before and it's hard to understand their accents. The women asked me if I wanted "them all off". Not fully understanding what she said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

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Top comments

By Dubstep_fml | 1

#690900 - Friday 27 November 2009 15:42

this fml is full of shit.

By jw90 | 18

#690990 - Friday 27 November 2009 16:41

why do birds always seem to shit on human beings? someday we should just shit on them back and see how
they like it. yea...that'll show em to poop on me.

COMMENTS

By chris_fml1 | 0

#690740 - Friday 27 November 2009 12:49

first

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#1373544 - Thursday 9 September 2010 2:04

that's a pretty shitty situation!! I'm so fucking punny and original!

Reply

TheTweaker | 0

#2099219 - Saturday 19 February 2011 7:49

Well this just means that you will have a shitload of good luck.

By Sakata_Gintoki | 0

#690746 - Friday 27 November 2009 12:51

Maybe you should make it faster next time.
First post.

By Esnedon | 0

#690756 - Friday 27 November 2009 12:56

Contrary to popular opinion, being first does not make you instantly cool and awesome.

Looks like the geese launched a counter-attack.

By Rishy | 0

#690757 - Friday 27 November 2009 12:56

@chris_fml1 Nobody gives a shit. Same with you #2

Wow, unlucky for you. The worst I've had is a pigeon crapping on my hands.

By pattheaninal | 9

#690758 - Friday 27 November 2009 12:57

Third. That sucks, well at least you got a shower =D

By nokillnobeepbeep | 0

#690862 - Friday 27 November 2009 14:57

What!? They were just giving back. It is the circle of life!

By kingston52 | 0

#690898 - Friday 27 November 2009 15:41

its not that bad
geese shit is very dry and solid, it comes off easily at least, unlike any other birds shit

By Dubstep_fml | 1

#690900 - Friday 27 November 2009 15:42

this fml is full of shit.

Reply

snowgun10 | 0

#690923 - Friday 27 November 2009 16:03

Lol Indeed.

By coolsteve | 0

#690906 - Friday 27 November 2009 15:47

shit

By Person1233 | 12

#690919 - Friday 27 November 2009 16:01

I have sympathy for you, OP. My town has an abnormal amount of those fuckers and they fly in a line in the sky around 200 ft long. Anytime someone sees them, they all know to duck and cover instinctively XD