Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I thought I was waving at my neighbor, who was also waving enthusiastically back. After smiling and gesturing, I realized she was actually cleaning her windows. I was flirting with Windex. FML
Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out of her second story bedroom window, taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned, "My baby's first kiss!" FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML
Today, I was home alone, so for fun I put red lipstick on. A few minutes later, my doorbell rang. I managed to get it off before I got the door. I saw my neighbor, and had a long conversation with him. After which, I came inside and realized I had lipstick all over my teeth. FML
Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Today, I have my bedroom window covered in tinfoil, since there is an insanely bright streetlight right outside my window and nothing else works to block it so when I brought a girl back to my place and she opened the blinds, she saw the tinfoil and stared in horror. I tried to explain but she just stared and stared. FML
Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML
Today, I did the "suck your finger" trick in the car to prevent my lipstick from getting on my teeth and halfway locked eyes with a random dude outside. FML
Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML
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Top comments
staymonkey 1
thats pretty pathetic.
rexmaxus 0
some people just need to be punched in the face. you are among them.
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Comments (458)
alicenjay 0
I'm sorry. Edward Cullen will not be your boyfriend. He doesn't exist. And it bothers me how often I have had to say that in the last dew days.
cornsnake 0
damn twilight fangirls. just another reason to hate twilight.
BlueberryPies 0
I would really like to believe that this is a fake FML, generated purely for comic value, but something in my heart tells me that there really are Twilight fans out there who are so insanely obsessed that they would do silly, strange things like the scenario mentioned above. Hopefully for you, you will one day realize that Edward Cullen is NOT REAL. And if even if he was, haven't the books provided enough evidence that he is a terrible, abusive boyfriend? I guess the portion of American youth that is attracted to men will forgive abusive behavior if their man sparkles in the sun.
z411811 0
do u know they have vampire fleshlights? google that shit. I hate my country
melxmel 0
Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. FML
ihmMehHA 0
I LUV twilight and all of u guys need to crawl in a hole a rot cuz Edward Cullen well Robert Pattinson is hot. Yah maybe that was really stupid but y'all need to shut up about stupid twilight fans cuz the friqqn books r amazing so don't hate!
monnanon 14
Im sorry but i have to disagree, there is nothign about twilight that is good
Melpomene_fml 0
And considering your spelling and grammar, you are too stupid to be taken seriously. I'd suggest reading Bram Stoker's Dracula to illustrate what a "REAL" vampire is (as in true to the archetype), but I doubt your IQ can handle it. Also, the reason why Twilight fans are stupid is because the franchise is stupid. Have fun fantasizing about your abusive, sparkly, stalkerish undead lover.
KayleeFrye 39
119 -Is it really that difficult to type an entire word? Why do people insist on butchering the English language? Honestly, are you just lazy, or do you truly not know how to spell? While I am not a Twilight fan myself, I can sort of see why some people (especially squealing teenage girls) are so interested in it. Well, actually, scratch that, I have no idea why so many people are interested in that tripe. To me, Twilight is a lame soap opera with "sparkling." And yes, I actually DID read the first book, so I'm not just saying this. Give me Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel any day! At least Spike was cool! Even Angel had his awesome moments, when he wasn't brooding too much. The OP is a moron. Why would you kiss a window? Even if Edward whats-his-face was real, I would think that kissing him would NOT be like kissing glass.
marrajane 0
For starters honey, learn basic spelling and grammar. You're not really inspiring us to put any stock in anything you say. Secondly, you're demonstrating the point a lot of people are actually making, not necessarily about the books specifically, but more about the fans of the books. I'm a fan of the books, but you and people like you make it very difficult to remain a fan.
fancypantsninja 0
hey leave her alone ...i dont agree with her about twilight but nobody cares about grammar in this generation (im from texas and we say "yall" all the time...its like required or something)
marrajane 0
#130 Yes, BtVS was awesome. I love Joss Whedon. Ask anyone I know, Joss Whedon is my favourite writer/director/series creator. But again, I don't take my appreciation and my love of his work to creepy stalk-Joss-Whedon-and-go-make-out-with-inanimate-objects-to-what-it's-like-to-kiss-him levels.
marrajane 0
#202 It's not the "y'all" we're jumping on her case for. Read every word other than "y'all" and you'll see our issue.
citygirlnomore 0
that is kinda stupid lol im not obsessed with edward cullen but when i first read the book(quite a while ago) i would also fantasize about him NOT because he SPARKLES or is a VAMPIRE but hes my type(and many other girls') because he is tall, good looking, somewhat silent and mysterious and gorgeous, we girls just like to fantasize of that kind of a guy, ok? so u guys or girls who are complaining that twilight is shit and edward is a gay fag and NOT REAL(WE KNOW HES NOT ******* REAL), wont u all just shut the **** up now with the whining
BeautifulDawn 0
I laughed pretty hard at this. And yeah, we know he's not real. Just nice to imagine he is, that's all.
andyroxs 2
i only needed to read the first sentence before YDI'ing it.
volleyball101 0
nice cover though :)