Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I thought I was waving at my neighbor, who was also waving enthusiastically back. After smiling and gesturing, I realized she was actually cleaning her windows. I was flirting with Windex. FML
Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out of her second story bedroom window, taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned, "My baby's first kiss!" FML
Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML
Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML
Today, I was home alone, so for fun I put red lipstick on. A few minutes later, my doorbell rang. I managed to get it off before I got the door. I saw my neighbor, and had a long conversation with him. After which, I came inside and realized I had lipstick all over my teeth. FML
Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML
Today, I have my bedroom window covered in tinfoil, since there is an insanely bright streetlight right outside my window and nothing else works to block it so when I brought a girl back to my place and she opened the blinds, she saw the tinfoil and stared in horror. I tried to explain but she just stared and stared. FML
Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML
Today, I did the "suck your finger" trick in the car to prevent my lipstick from getting on my teeth and halfway locked eyes with a random dude outside. FML
Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML
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Top comments
staymonkey 1
thats pretty pathetic.
rexmaxus 0
some people just need to be punched in the face. you are among them.
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Comments (458)
simmo8591 0
oh dear.... why would kissing a window even me a good substitute for a fictional character? he has cold lips (presumably) but why not kiss an ice cube or a freezer or any other cold object? im pretty sure his lips arent supposed to be flat and slippery and so a piece of glass really doesnt seem like your best option
Broeman 0
Wow, you are one ******* stupid twitard. How about next you have sex with a banana you stuck in the freezer?
Sionnach 10
In defense of Twilight: Despite being a 25yo/m and not a little girl, I actually really like the books. The movies, though stupid, are pretty damn hilarious too. In defense of you... I got nothing. Seek help.
CheshireHalli 19
Thank you. I like the books. But I would never do anything like this. This girl is STUPID. YDI, OP. Not all Twilight fans are stupid, little, rabid girls... lol
Sacrilege 0
Twilight is a book and a movie; of which gives the real historical view of vampires a shitty, faggy name. Grow up.
monkeyspark 6
For the good of humanity, I am going to have to kill you.
solocredere12 4
You are an idiot. YDI
dloc1 0
That is just plain retarded. Next time find a stiff then you can use the excuse it is a dead family member. ydi
missnightmare 0
Lol, thats sad.
Buffel 0
Wait, wait... I didn't know Edward was made of glass. I guess that would explain the sparkles. So I take it you're on the necrophilia end of the necrophilia/********** Twilight character attraction scale.
tikimuppet 11
That's so sad and pathetic... when I was reading it I was thinking "please let her lips actually stick to the window"