Animals: Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft...

By Zannanana - 30/10/2018 05:00

Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 735

You deserved it 325

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Same thing different taste

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 093

You deserved it 5 860

By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - 18/04/2015 19:34 - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 406

You deserved it 4 714

By Anonymous - 09/06/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 219

You deserved it 1 145

Polly Want a Wax

By Baldy - 07/09/2017 13:00

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 689

You deserved it 649

Yummy

By EwwwwYuck - 03/08/2020 02:02

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 331

By ShiddyDiddy - 26/06/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 195

Polly wanna latte

By Anonymous - 20/11/2023 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I thought I'd make my own coffee at home to save money. As I was grinding the beans, my flatmate's pet parrot decided to join the party and imitate the noise of the coffee grinder. For an hour. I ended up with a headache, a half-finished cup of coffee, and a parrot that now thinks it's a barista. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 140

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 02/03/2013 00:54 - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 780

You deserved it 3 125

Impressive

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 425

You deserved it 19 334

By Dog Person Now - 31/05/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 766

You deserved it 505

whiskey'swino 15

Tuesday 30 October 2018 6:08

Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able.

Dave_Davington 33

Tuesday 30 October 2018 5:23

Polly really really wants a cracker, apparently.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 33

Friday 12 October 2018 3:20

Can't... breathe... too... funny...

Dave_Davington 33

Tuesday 30 October 2018 5:23

Polly really really wants a cracker, apparently.

whiskey'swino 15

Tuesday 30 October 2018 6:08

Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able.

Jeremy Phillips 18

Tuesday 30 October 2018 11:03

Weird flex but okay.

Takegami 22

Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:36

Your... parrot...?

fde2blknimout 18

Tuesday 30 October 2018 18:38

At least something gets turned on by your hair bun

mekiswrite 21

Tuesday 30 October 2018 20:15

It might be time to get him a friend.

Taurus_ChicKa 36

Saturday 3 November 2018 17:02

I wasn't aware that parrots had the ability to **********.

MythyPan 3

Tuesday 6 November 2018 23:27

what type of bird? also be careful, try to stop it

Keywords

Relatable Health Public freakouts Music Scams Geek Poopoo peepee Awkward Jewelry Bikes Cops Transportation Family Fight Kids Miscellaneous AITA Mother in law Love Relationship advice Social Media Art Work Students Birds Sleep Animals Noise Mental health Contraception

The Top

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and I was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 758

You deserved it 15 561

Today, I'm an ectomorph who struggles to gain, let alone maintain weight. Our politicians made food so much more expensive in the last three years, I can no longer afford a consistent amount of protein and to fill my fridge with vegetables. I can barely afford to make balanced meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 131

The Top

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 365

You deserved it 4 457

Today, I got an exercise wheel for my cat. He took a nap on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 585

You deserved it 301

Today, I popped a pimple while stopped at a red light. When I looked over the woman in the car next to me was laughing, and had her camera phone out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 160

You deserved it 16 814

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 242

You deserved it 3 973

Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 690

You deserved it 18 296

Today, I travelled in a shared taxi on the winding roads of the Peruvian Andes. The guy next to me felt sick and started to throw up. In Peru, they shove 8 people into a 5-seater car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 86