Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft... - FML

By Zannanana - 30/10/2018 05:00

Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

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Trust

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

This is fine

By hunterchik - 29/9/2018 15:30

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

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By - 19/1/2017 08:22

Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML

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By grossedout - 8/9/2011 06:34 - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By kam3221 - 1/5/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I got in the shower, washed my hair and shaved because I wanted to look great for a big date. I got out, brushed and dried my hair and spent an hour putting it up in the perfect hairstyle. Running late, I quickly put on my new dress, looked down and realized i had only shaved one leg. FML

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By robbyrabbit - 11/11/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

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By ThreeMoreYears - 3/3/2020 03:01

Jesus, take the wheel

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

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By blacktyaffair - 9/11/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

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By Fuzzy - 8/1/2010 07:56 - Australia

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

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By Nicki - 21/12/2011 12:30 - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I said something grammatically wrong during it. He chose to correct it. FML

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By Snorlax - 13/4/2013 04:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

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By Idk - 29/5/2014 06:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I saw a pair of eyes looking at me from my closet. Realizing it must be my cat, I called her. She immediately came out from under my bed. I can't find anything in my closet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 05:00

What?

Today, I found out that my hearing is average for a 60-year-old. I'm 30. FML

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By Zyopy - 18/12/2015 08:33 - Australia - Hampton

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

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By highschoolgrad - 8/6/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML

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By chriss - 14/4/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML

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By - 6/12/2018 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

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By hlev24 - 3/3/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when a homeless man asked me for some spare change. I told him I didn't have any. I then tripped. Not only spilling the soda I was drinking all over myself, but also spilling the spare change I had from buying it. FML

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By in big trouble - 23/8/2014 12:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

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By fun_gal - 25/3/2020 17:00

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

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By 1942ford - 23/7/2013 02:18 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

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By fuck's sake - 16/4/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

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By emancipate me - 15/5/2016 19:59 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

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By occam's pube-razor - 5/9/2015 04:26 - United States - Buena Vista

Today, I parked my car, went to pay for my spot, and returned to my car only to find a parking violation ticket tucked under the windshield wipers. This all happened in less than a minute. FML

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By leftout - 25/12/2015 05:51 - United States - Whitney

Today, I spent the holiday with my husband's big family. They suggested we take a family picture, but two people were purposely left out of it. I was one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 03:02 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

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By Argh - 3/11/2013 20:18 - France - Saivres

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

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By spleechick - 28/1/2010 02:41 - United States

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

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By Mikey832 - 9/8/2010 13:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my brother's girlfriend and my girlfriend went out shopping. My brother's girlfriend bought a pair of killer black heels and a box of condoms. My girlfriend bought a pair of orange Crocs and a vibrator. FML

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By dangit - 11/9/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

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By teaspoonzz - 25/10/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

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By fmjob - 17/8/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By scammerssuck - 11/8/2012 09:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 17:02

Too much of a good thing

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

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By child of a crazed women - 7/4/2013 09:19 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, it is my birthday. Since my parents are in the middle of a divorce, my mom thought it was perfectly reasonable to burn the gifts my dad got for me in the fireplace. FML

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By Alex - 16/1/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my bike to the bus stop to go to school. I wasn't even half way and the last bus had already left. I figured I would loop around instead of going back the way I came and ended up riding 16 miles before I got home. FML

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Top comments

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7716122 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 6:08

Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7716121 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 5:23

Polly really really wants a cracker, apparently.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7707529 - Friday 12 October 2018 3:20

Can't... breathe... too... funny...

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7716121 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 5:23

Polly really really wants a cracker, apparently.

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7716122 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 6:08

Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able.

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7716231 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 11:03

Weird flex but okay.

By Takegami | 22

#7716310 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:36

Your... parrot...?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7716323 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:55

I have always wondered where their little penis is

By Abbusser | 9

#7716412 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 16:54

Polly want a whacker...

By fde2blknimout | 18

#7716451 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 18:38

At least something gets turned on by your hair bun

By mekiswrite | 19

#7716488 - Tuesday 30 October 2018 20:15

It might be time to get him a friend.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7718254 - Saturday 3 November 2018 17:02

I wasn't aware that parrots had the ability to masturbate.