Miscellaneous: Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last...

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 10:52 - Australia

Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last resume was handed out, my brother had changed the last sentence of every paragraph to 'I am a massive douche bag.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 848

You deserved it 7 760

Miscellaneous

You tried

Another great day to be alive

Are you a wizard?

By waterlogged - 22/09/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 858

You deserved it 2 596

By PunkChik27 - 12/12/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 058

You deserved it 4 450

Blow it

By Anonymous - 22/10/2021 01:59

Today, I reached to pick out a booger stuck in my nose that had been irritating me, and ended up poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 650

By Clumsy - 04/08/2018 15:00

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 155

You deserved it 354

By mtorres8789 - 27/06/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 844

You deserved it 80 464

By misopower - 25/07/2009 18:50 - China

Today, after 9 months in our relationship, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. We had incredible, mind-blowing sex. An hour later, he broke up with me because apparently "my orgasm face is ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 038

You deserved it 9 285

Last trip

By cap - 09/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 152

You deserved it 283

Not now

By Anonymous - 06/03/2017 04:00

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 899

You deserved it 577

By swag papi - 22/01/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang, I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 929

You deserved it 8 309

Classic

By Daniel - 09/08/2021 16:01

Today, at work, I casually mentioned I was meeting some friends for dinner. My co-worker's response was, "You have friends?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 74

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

By Anyonymous_101 - 21/09/2019 14:02

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 704

You deserved it 80

By noname - 18/02/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 226

You deserved it 6 023

By Tasji - 27/07/2009 06:24 - Canada

Today, I sent in a fake story to a website that supports a yearly festival in my small town thinking it would boost their spirits. It was how my boyfriend proposed to me at last year's festival. Now the local news station wants to do a story about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 826

You deserved it 80 874

By kittenfish8903 - 06/10/2014 19:46 - United States

Today, while cuddling in bed with my drunk boyfriend, he kissed me softly then told me under no circumstances would he ever marry me. Then kissed me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 262

You deserved it 4 660

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 18:30 - Denmark - Lemvig

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 067

You deserved it 3 384

By analinguist - 20/02/2010 19:04 - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 904

You deserved it 45 788

By shaifox96 - 17/04/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 871

You deserved it 5 650

By SummerGirl0009 - 23/08/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I discovered that the medicated eye drops I have been taking to fight a mild eye infection show up under black lights when I walked into a party and the whole left side of my face was glowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 073

You deserved it 3 775

By sagecamreyyy - 06/11/2018 15:30

Today, three days after my "friend" tried to cut all my hair off while I was asleep, she tried to poison me with a random chemical that was under my sink. She then told me she wanted me dead because I touched her senpai. Her senpai is my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 603

You deserved it 245

Bunch of Freeloaders...

By Anonymous - 12/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 652

You deserved it 3 254

By fucking financial ruin - 23/08/2013 18:21 - United States - New Bern

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 245

You deserved it 4 006

Beat It

By Anonymous - 07/09/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 168

Freakout

By anonymous - 21/07/2021 00:01

Today, my soon-to-be step-daughter had as absolute meltdown at our rehearsal dinner, screaming that I ruined her family. Her parents were divorced 10 years before I even met him. Her mother was there because we’re friends. She’s 23 years-old. I honestly don’t know which one of us was more embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 71

By Justme - 05/06/2013 05:02 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 563

You deserved it 3 846

I will always be in her thought

By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 18:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 089

You deserved it 200

By Oh - 22/03/2016 22:36 - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 939

You deserved it 2 180

Suspicious Minds

By PaulaP - 09/07/2021 07:59

Today, my husband wants to go on a trip to Tulum with his friend. I suggested I go as well, but he refused because it’s a "friends trip." He assures me that he "won’t sleep in the same bed with her or anything." I had to explain why it was still inappropriate. He still doesn’t get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 191

Halloween, the long wait

By androidjezus - 03/11/2019 18:30

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 691

You deserved it 438

By sociallyawkward - 26/03/2014 18:06 - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 362

You deserved it 8 260

Choking hazard

By notsexy - 09/05/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 017

You deserved it 83 246

By AyoitsSteveo - 24/05/2009 09:49 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 901

You deserved it 159 054

Odd reason, but OK

By firedsucks - 20/03/2021 17:01

Today I got fired from a very promising new job where I made three times my previous salary from my previous job. Why? Because of a personal belonging, my bumper sticker that says, "How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 2 186

By gothchick201013 - 09/09/2016 18:43 - United States - Dayton

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 005

You deserved it 1 104

By Trainspotting - 03/04/2011 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 690

You deserved it 3 713

By swedishdude - 14/11/2009 13:37 - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 979

You deserved it 36 831

By oopsies - 08/01/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 812

You deserved it 5 413

By Jesse - 01/08/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time since I got my license. I have disorganized speech and occasional inappropriate emotional response. I began to laugh due to nervousness and when I tried to explain why, I was arrested because he thought I was high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 094

You deserved it 5 393

By Dooh - 17/01/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I've found out that since beginning my new heavy workout regime, my testosterone levels have gone through the roof, making me constantly horny. My girlfriend lives on another continent. The reason I'm working out so hard? To impress her when I see her next. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 997

You deserved it 4 986

By Anonymous - 21/02/2011 00:19 - United Kingdom

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 864

You deserved it 2 892

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 20:34 - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 744

You deserved it 3 989

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Top comments

AnnyPants 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:23

haha, wouldnt you proof-read your resume before you went out? maybe you will in future

TwilghtLuvr13 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:29

Please learn to, use commas correctly

Pennypoo 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:22

hahaha owned but im sure if u explain they would understand

myballs 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:49

This. You need to look at it first.

Ajjas013 6

Sunday 18 October 2009 23:50

Your brother is made of WIN. You guys made my day haha.

BravoUser 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 5:43

Lesson 1, re - read. Lesson 2, your brother is a win. Lesson 3, avoid the 30 people who now know your a douchebag. I don't know if i'm either sorry for your, your brother, or the 30 people you handed the resumes to.

maverick21703 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 19:28

I am more concerned about why the OP's resume had paragraphs in the first place. Resumes are more of bulleted outlines of skills and experiences.

Zezing 0

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 19:11

Hahaha Ydi for not proofreading and being a massive bag of douche

j0k32r0x 0

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Sunday 14 February 2010 0:26

hahahahahhahahahaha lmfao!!!

cookiepenguin 0

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Saturday 20 February 2010 8:31

beat the sh!t out of him

quent10 0

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Monday 5 July 2010 19:59

haha win

528Alice491 3

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Monday 1 October 2012 19:18

Lmao omg that really sucks but funny as shit

AnnyPants 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:23

haha, wouldnt you proof-read your resume before you went out? maybe you will in future

time4coffee 3

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Sunday 18 October 2009 19:26

Next time proofread. Before and after you print. Duh. Explaining my brother did and I didn't notice only makes you look less competent because you didn't check first

notbuyingit 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:27

Lesson learned: Proof read- and then double check EVERYTIME!

TwilghtLuvr13 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:29

Please learn to, use commas correctly

palmtrees 1

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:53

ugh also apostrohpes... you don't need one EVERY TIME you use an "s" on the end of a word, people. For example, you don't need one for plurals. Have people just started skipping elementary school altogether?

liveBabylon 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 21:46

yeah, thats how these days are going, Man....

NY_Giants_42 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:30

Are you?

timewarpist 1

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Sunday 18 October 2009 16:52

Haha you shoulda checked them before you printed them out (unless your brother did) or read over them again.

GR3453m0nk3y 4

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Sunday 18 October 2009 17:14

hahahahaha your brother is awesome

blueknight1st 26

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Sunday 18 October 2009 17:24

You deserved it for being a massive douche bag.

Bredynamite 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 17:29

EPIC win for his bro

perdix 29

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Sunday 18 October 2009 17:34

There are some professions (insurance claims rep, tax collector, tech support call center operator) where that is an asset, but you might be dinged for bragging about it too much. I saw a douche bag last night. I was at a drug store and I saw that the literally sold "douche bags," I didn't think they still made them. Also, I saw the biggest pair of manboobs I'd ever seen. If it didn't have a beard, I 'd have sworn it was an ugly fat woman. Quite a night last night.