Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML
Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML
Today, I woke up to my cat slowly dragging her paw across my face. I opened my eyes to see a bloody mouse dangling an inch from my face. It was still twitching. FML
Today, it was my first time sleeping at my boyfriend’s house. I happened to have an incredibly realistic nightmare in which I woke up to thousands of centipedes crawling all over my body. My boyfriend got to watch me scream and slap myself repeatedly. FML
Today, I turned over in my sleep and fell out of bed, face-first into a puddle of cold cat vomit that my cat had left for me. FML
Today, I had a horrific nightmare where I was lost in the woods and got mauled to death by a hungry wolf. I fully blacked out in the dream before waking up in real life, at 3AM, where I found that my room was pitch black because I forgot to open the curtains. I genuinely thought I was dead for about five seconds. FML
Today, I woke up suddenly with giant bugs biting my legs. I screamed, ripped the blanket off the bed and bolted to the bathroom to recover. Turns out it was all a dream, and the person who needed to recover most was my shell-shocked boyfriend who had been sleeping soundly beside me. Sorry, babe. FML
Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. to my cat biting my face. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I’m pretty sure if I die in my sleep, she’ll eat me. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML
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Top comments
FMLemur 4
Nothing better than being woken up by a pussy I always say.
DocBastard 40
I'm confused - was the urine yours, or did the car pee on you to wake you? "Dammit, wake up and feed me! No? Well then I'll pee on your head. Wake up!! Still not up? That's it, here come the claws of death!!"
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Comments (100)
DocBastard 40
I'm confused - was the urine yours, or did the car pee on you to wake you? "Dammit, wake up and feed me! No? Well then I'll pee on your head. Wake up!! Still not up? That's it, here come the claws of death!!"
DocBastard 40
cat* Stupid editing.
G0odgrief 0
I was wondering the same thing. I have nightmares but I have never peed myself. hell my four year old doesn't pee himself when he has a nightmare
crazyblackchick 0
How does a car pee on someone? Edit: damn timing.
G0odgrief 0
autocorrect I bet
perdix 31
Whose urine? Yours, the cat's, or both? Someone asked if we have dogs that weigh over 250 lbs, why are domestic cats mostly under 20 lbs? The answer was if a cat was any bigger, it would kill you. You may want to invest in an automatic feeder or life insurance.
Eorlas 31
cats should be under 20 lbs to be of healthy weight. there are weight ranges for animals that define their body mass condition. similar to humans, they essentially cover anorexic to obese. if i am in an exam room with a cat and it weighs 20lbs, i know the cat is very overweight. not necessarily just by reading 20lbs, but also because its ribs are not easily palpable and the fat around the abdomen and upper chest area hangs fairly close to the ground
perdix 31
What I was referring to is why weren't house cats bred to be of larger weight normally. You wouldn't have a domestic cat the size of a bobcat. It would rip your throat out.
freeze101mam 5
I think I wouldn't have had a cat anymore...
RussianFox 13
You would kill a cat because it's starving?
gonad_gobbler 1
Your cat claws at your face when it wants to be fed? You've got to be kittin me!
G0odgrief 0
that was so cheesy
FMLshark 12
I liked it. I thought it was purrfect.
l23VIVE 17
Puns...
florido_fml 10
Now you"ll look cool like scareface
TheElderTROLLZ 15
*Scarface
ValkyrieCain 0
D'awww!! Cute!
anencephalic 14
At least you didn't wake up to the cat feeding on your face.
KaelaKhaotic 5
Kitty's nomming on your face. LOLOLOLOL.
Mariebaz 11
If I remember correctly, their cat was not biting them...?
ezelisko 1
zombie cats are just one of many signs of the apocalypse.
Zangetsu67 5
Meow?