Miscellaneous: Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear...

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

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19520

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Miscellaneous

Recycling helps

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Jonah begs to differ

By Anonymous

Today, I finally got my forklift license after training for a week. Almost eight hours later, I lost my license by not lowering my forks, crashing into and destroying four overhead light fixtures which cost more than $500 in damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

755

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2798

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By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1693

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133

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By nobrony - United States - Katonah

Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36767

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5452

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By Misunderstood - United Kingdom

Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 years telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shoved them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36887

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11542

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By Anonymous - United States

Mama's Boy

Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6638

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566

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By oopsiecoffee - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full" He's the owner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13274

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By bongoboy - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56244

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

43125

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By owwwwwe - United Kingdom

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11961

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By nofooddrinkorsex - United States

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1769

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235

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By nolife - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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10083

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By Al Staten

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10355

You deserved it

2499

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By May - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44677

You deserved it

6224

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By yogapants - Switzerland

Today, I let out the most horrific, loudest, and most vile smelling fart I have ever had in my life while in the middle of yoga class. Out of embarrassment, I tried to lessen the tension in the silent room by giggling, but no one saw the funny side. I was given looks of horror, and avoided by everyone else for the rest of the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29170

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8633

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By Chubs - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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73231

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 02:02

Better off out

Today, I was fired because I spoke up about a supervisor mistreating me. The assistant VP spent the meeting demeaning me to “teach me a lesson” and then said she was firing me because I “stirred the pot." Man, I really loved that job but I won’t miss the toxic work culture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1021

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By tlowbrim - 18/11/2020 02:02

We live in a society

Today, I'm working retail where masks are mandatory. A gentleman comes in with his mask below his chin. I politely say, "Hey dude, if you’re gonna shop here I'm going to need you to keep that mask on properly", to which he replies, "Fuck you, you stupid little bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1138

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224

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By moe - United States

Today, the man who has been my stepfather for six years, has forgotten how old I am. However, he remembers exactly how much my real father owes him for child support. FML

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30520

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By preggo eggo

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Today, after months of my fiancé begging me to have a baby with him, I found out I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want a baby anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4026

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503

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By stillsingleladies - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73418

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, I had my first open job interview, which is when a group of applicants are interviewed together. I also found out that despite being great at one-on-one interviews, I will panic and make myself look like a complete moron when I'm part of a group. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22454

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2342

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By fuck you, dad - United States - Bellflower

Today, my family and I were celebrating my dad's birthday. The two of us were standing by the pool chatting, and I jokingly said "You're old now." I suppose I should have expected him to shove me into the pool, my phone still in hand, and retort, "You're soaked now." FML

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35721

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By eric4 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML

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48324

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By rejected - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said "Well, you could always ask me." I then said "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was "Nope...now that's 8!" FML

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156823

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28779

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37865

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4030

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By this guy - United States - Alhambra

Today, I got rejected by a girl I wasn't even trying to ask out. FML

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50340

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By newestallen

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

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3219

You deserved it

413

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting picked up by my dad after I had been swimming. I saw his car, so I walked over to it, got in and started talking about how I'd seen my brother. It wasn't until after I had put my seat belt on that I realized I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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20369

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By hannahg - United States - Romulus

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

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40328

You deserved it

3790

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By anon - United States - Atlanta

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long, heartfelt message this morning. Her response? "What do you need? Or is this even really you?" FML

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13870

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2296

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By Bassackward

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

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15821

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By Disappointed

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40679

You deserved it

5097

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40739

You deserved it

20583

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By starley - United States

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42828

You deserved it

3426

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37690

You deserved it

7904

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By Nohearingornoeating

WHAT?

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4046

You deserved it

375

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By vistingherfamily - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's family. Her mother wants us to stay in separate bedrooms, and I was happy to oblige since I'm staying at their house. But because there isn't an extra room, we have to stay together. Upon entering the house, her mom searched our bags for condoms and birth-control pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36638

You deserved it

3336

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By Respect101 - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40569

You deserved it

27564

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By ReboundGrl - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

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13737

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1403

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Top comments

By slyvanilla_creme | 0

#2557 - Monday 16 February 2009 7:18

are you like a mailman stalker? i'm a bit lost....other than the fact that you stank and could take a shower later....?????

By Sessee | 4

#47253 - Saturday 21 March 2009 10:38

Dude, just take a shower.

COMMENTS

By slyvanilla_creme | 0

#2557 - Monday 16 February 2009 7:18

are you like a mailman stalker? i'm a bit lost....other than the fact that you stank and could take a shower later....?????

Friaza | 29

#2985192 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:29

Obviously the OP was waiting on a parcel or something.

spaerro | 8

#4724517 - Monday 23 July 2012 18:26

Maybe OP had to sign for a package that couldn't be left at the door.

EDIT: 65 beat me to it. Good job.

By beezy_slayer | 0

#15729 - Thursday 5 March 2009 6:24

this one is just stupid why would u even put this up

By god_is_a_lie | 0

#25233 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:33

was it a sunday?

justmyswag | 9

#5674030 - Sunday 15 September 2013 5:27

No post on Sundays

culo91483 | 8

#5899853 - Sunday 30 March 2014 3:55

Exactly

By jokerofclubs777 | 0

#30178 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:37

you izz da bi99est a555h0l3 in dA werld

jwing | 0

#1264623 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 20:21

iz n0t c00l wen u tipe lik d1$. fail. try typing like a normal human being.

By arienh4 | 0

#32632 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:15

Is this really FML worthy?

By cyberhoy | 3

#44382 - Friday 20 March 2009 4:56

what the hell? this makes no sense

By Sessee | 4

#47253 - Saturday 21 March 2009 10:38

Dude, just take a shower.

xninix_fml | 36

#5597937 - Thursday 25 July 2013 21:40

Yeah! It's not that big of a deal just go shower.

By Shallow_Padentic | 0

#57819 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 17:28

what the hell kind of postman is this. Do you have to like chase him down or be there in order to get your mail otherwise he keeps it?

fantasyworld | 37

#5997498 - Friday 4 July 2014 13:57

It could be a package that couldn't be left on the porch.

By Fayeanne | 0

#101547 - Saturday 11 April 2009 7:58

ummm..shower no matter if he shows or not..lol

By Dilios152 | 0

#103575 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:17

if ths is the worst thing that happened to you today you souldnt be complaining...