Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear...

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:24 - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Breaking Badly

By Lulu - 5/12/2013 23:39 - United States - Imperial

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

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By Brittany - 3/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 02:01

Billy no-mates

Today, I feel both happy and jealous of my father. It's his birthday and he has received over 100 times more phone calls than me. I'd had two: one from my local bank manager and one from my girlfriend. FML

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By megaladon - 28/6/2010 08:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

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By sadface - 11/8/2010 06:50 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

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By Nose bleed - 16/4/2014 02:48 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

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By luceeloo - 23/11/2016 22:10

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 17:01

Birthday blues

Today, I turned 39 and I finally had my very first surprise birthday party. It was held by a group of video game animals in Animal Crossing instead of by real people, because I'm not important enough to them to remember my birthday without Facebook's intervention. FML

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By pained - 2/5/2014 00:23 - United States

Today, I had an ingrown toenail cut out, and the pain medication I received does not actually help with the pain. Instead, it makes me high, which results in me losing balance and slamming my injured toe into objects and then getting sick from that new pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2012 17:50 - Netherlands - Lelystad

Today, I spilled my guts to my girlfriend, saying I'm scared that all I do is upset her. I then had to sit through a speech about how upset she was that I hadn't told her sooner. FML

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By mom - 26/1/2014 04:29 - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

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By Animal_aide - 7/1/2010 18:42 - Canada

Today, I got my car back from the repair shop. After paying $400 for them to fix the scratches on the driver's side door, some one decided to key both sides of my car while I was on my lunch break from work. FML

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By mareecasellafml - 27/3/2015 09:51 - Australia - Belrose

Today, I handed out 20 resumes to a variety of stores. To my delight, I got a phone call the same day. Unfortunately, they weren't calling about a job, they were informing me on my resume it says, "I have a dick." All thanks to my boyfriend, who thought it would be hilarious. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 20/5/2013 04:47 - United States

Today, I'm planning my big sister's wedding. My long-term, live-in boyfriend walked by and saw me looking at the wedding tab on Pinterest, smirked, and said, "Don't get your hopes up." I had. FML

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By jojo - 6/5/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By cantprovenothing - 18/4/2014 21:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

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By bodhimae - 3/5/2009 07:15 - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By Pk45 - 11/11/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son wanted to rent some movie with talking animals in it for us to watch together. I couldn't say no, but talking animal movies freak me out big time, I either start to cry or feel nauseous. Especially ones with dogs. What is wrong with me? FML

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By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/9/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

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By gmnesbitt - 7/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

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By fml_forever32 - 23/12/2009 18:56 - United States

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 02:02

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By nonbelieber - 26/11/2012 00:55 - United States - Keenesburg

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

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By muffintop - 11/7/2011 02:34 - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

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By j - 14/8/2011 03:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of my drunken antics. My reaction? Pour myself a stiff drink. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2015 00:22 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML

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By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 23:00

Think it through

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML

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By no touching - 6/3/2015 14:03 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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By 20 - 31/12/2010 00:28 - Australia

Today, after buying over $300 worth of food and alcohol, I found out all my friends aren't coming to my New Years party but headed to the BIG party at the local club. The one which I sold my ticket to after my friends convinced me to throw a party instead. FML

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By Spiller - 17/11/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

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By thatsillegal - 30/1/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML

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By AnnoyedByFriends - 8/8/2013 04:43

Today, my friends thought it would be fun to change my dad's name on my phone to my girlfriend's name. Guess who got an erotic text message when standing next to me while in the line to buy groceries. FML

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By iblamethetories - 11/10/2012 17:49 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had to pay my bus fare in very small change. After carefully counting out coins under the withering glares of a bus-load of people, I quickly slid them into the machine, and somehow ended up jamming it. FML

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By Aimee Lutz - 19/10/2017 22:00

Cat Burglar!

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

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By FuglyBetty - 24/2/2016 22:48 - Norway - Arendal

Today, while doing the grocery shopping with my boyfriend we came across another woman also out shopping, who looked shockingly like me despite her being another race, hair color and the like. The second he saw her, he blurted out, ''Oh, it's a pretty version of you!'' FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - Germany - Aachen

This woman's work

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

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Top comments

By slyvanilla_creme | 0

#2557 - Monday 16 February 2009 7:18

are you like a mailman stalker? i'm a bit lost....other than the fact that you stank and could take a shower later....?????

By Sessee | 4

#47253 - Saturday 21 March 2009 10:38

Dude, just take a shower.

COMMENTS

By slyvanilla_creme | 0

#2557 - Monday 16 February 2009 7:18

are you like a mailman stalker? i'm a bit lost....other than the fact that you stank and could take a shower later....?????

Friaza | 29

#2985192 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 23:29

Obviously the OP was waiting on a parcel or something.

spaerro | 8

#4724517 - Monday 23 July 2012 18:26

Maybe OP had to sign for a package that couldn't be left at the door.

EDIT: 65 beat me to it. Good job.

By beezy_slayer | 0

#15729 - Thursday 5 March 2009 6:24

this one is just stupid why would u even put this up

By god_is_a_lie | 0

#25233 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:33

was it a sunday?

justmyswag | 9

#5674030 - Sunday 15 September 2013 5:27

No post on Sundays

culo91483 | 8

#5899853 - Sunday 30 March 2014 3:55

Exactly

By jokerofclubs777 | 0

#30178 - Friday 13 March 2009 20:37

you izz da bi99est a555h0l3 in dA werld

jwing | 0

#1264623 - Wednesday 18 August 2010 20:21

iz n0t c00l wen u tipe lik d1$. fail. try typing like a normal human being.

By arienh4 | 0

#32632 - Sunday 15 March 2009 12:15

Is this really FML worthy?

By cyberhoy | 3

#44382 - Friday 20 March 2009 4:56

what the hell? this makes no sense

By Sessee | 4

#47253 - Saturday 21 March 2009 10:38

Dude, just take a shower.

xninix_fml | 36

#5597937 - Thursday 25 July 2013 21:40

Yeah! It's not that big of a deal just go shower.

By Shallow_Padentic | 0

#57819 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 17:28

what the hell kind of postman is this. Do you have to like chase him down or be there in order to get your mail otherwise he keeps it?

fantasyworld | 37

#5997498 - Friday 4 July 2014 13:57

It could be a package that couldn't be left on the porch.

By Fayeanne | 0

#101547 - Saturday 11 April 2009 7:58

ummm..shower no matter if he shows or not..lol

By Dilios152 | 0

#103575 - Sunday 12 April 2009 2:17

if ths is the worst thing that happened to you today you souldnt be complaining...