Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, while at work, I was trying to locate the source of the really bad BO wafting around, when I realized I'd forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. I have 5 hours of shame left to go. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dangling modifier

Dementia or hate? You decide

By ugh - Canada

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

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By sirttocs

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML

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By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

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By notready - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By neverunderstood - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 20:00

The grudge

Today, I was told by a former coworker that my former boss still talks about me being lazy, ever since the time I refused to do a few things on third shift when there was me and 2 other people working. I haven't worked there in 3 months. FML

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By helluvasinger - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

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By whoopsiedoodle - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

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By soapgirl - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I excitedly showed my new roommate my pet fish. She then told me about how she purposely starved her last fish to see how long it would take before they started eating each other before starving to death. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I got up and left for work despite being really sick, because I had a big meeting. Halfway to work, in deadlocked traffic, my boss texts me to let me know he's rescheduling the meeting to tomorrow because of personal conflicts. FML

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By lk mm, n vwls - United States - Mansfield Depot

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

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By Julez - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

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By fat girl - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Providence

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Albert Park

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML

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By Julie - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for not noticing the signs sooner. FML

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By still poor - United States - Carlisle

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

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By Sirah90 - United States

Today, my nose started running while in bed with my boyfriend. I kept trying to wipe it off with my arm to avoid ruining the moment. My boyfriend then looks up at me in horror. Turns out it wasn't mucus; it was blood. And it was all over his neck, his shirt, and his silk sheets. FML

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By rositaleigh

Dad jokes FTW!

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

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By Anonymous - France - Bourges

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

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By Fuckmylife - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

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By ahhh - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, due to plumbing issues, I had to choose between a goosebump-inducing cold or skin-blistering hot shower. This is the 7th day in a row. My husband says it shouldn't be more than another week before he "gets it figured out". FML

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By hooligyn123 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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By Nora - United States - Fargo

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

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By lyssuhhhh - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By sabrinatarmine_ - United States - Carmel Valley

Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eudora

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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Top comments

By ojosRojos | 28

#7836378 - Sunday 25 August 2019 17:13

Keep some in your desk

By RichardPencil | 30

#7836187 - Sunday 25 August 2019 4:12

You can go home early. Everyone who works within 50 feet of you will be happy to cover for you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7836187 - Sunday 25 August 2019 4:12

You can go home early. Everyone who works within 50 feet of you will be happy to cover for you.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7836378 - Sunday 25 August 2019 17:13

Keep some in your desk

Reply

Peaches1914 | 13

#7836480 - Sunday 25 August 2019 22:33

Great answer

By Magtec | 11

#7836434 - Sunday 25 August 2019 19:32

Ask around, find out if anyone else has some deodorant you can use.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7836496 - Sunday 25 August 2019 23:59

go find air freshener or talk to a coworker you are close with. next time put some in your drawer.