Love: Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I... - FML

25/06/2016 02:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 489

You deserved it 1 338

Good kid

Late term

Batman

06/12/2011 15:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 439

You deserved it 5 256

26/12/2008 07:53 - France

Spicy

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 968

You deserved it 28 119

18/09/2009 01:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally told my fiancé about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. He immediately broke off the wedding. His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't "pure". FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 567

You deserved it 4 875

My eyes! My eyes!

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 05:47 - United States - Sanford

Spicy

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 158

You deserved it 6 402

08/09/2009 09:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 634

You deserved it 4 579

19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 650

You deserved it 3 648

04/03/2017 02:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 718

You deserved it 613

Vibe check

By justanidiot - 20/09/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 286

You deserved it 163

20/04/2013 01:16 - New Zealand

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by egging by some bastard riding a segway. He still got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 946

You deserved it 9 259

Creeped out

By Anonymous - 16/08/2010 04:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 244

You deserved it 3 427

14/07/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 513

You deserved it 32 512

11/11/2009 01:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 031

You deserved it 62 855

13/02/2017 02:30 - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 579

You deserved it 1 694

08/02/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 849

You deserved it 2 149

26/04/2016 04:34 - United States - Thibodaux

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 090

You deserved it 1 614

13/07/2009 13:25 - Philippines

Today, my building's elevators were temporarily out of service. I climbed up 17 flights of stairs only to realize I left my keys downstairs. After the painful climb back up, the elevator lights came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 657

You deserved it 6 813

17/06/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 816

You deserved it 655

Bye Felicia!

By NeedMoreFriends - 03/07/2015 10:30 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 029

You deserved it 2 359

01/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 371

You deserved it 7 263

28/01/2011 03:35 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 161

You deserved it 7 509

03/05/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 304

You deserved it 8 597

17/02/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 980

You deserved it 8 457

29/08/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, after breaking my leg, I'm unable to put any weight on it whatsoever. Our bedroom? Upstairs. Our only bathroom? Basement. My husband thought it would be a great idea to leave me alone and unable to walk to go babysit his nieces. I had to piss in a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 206

07/09/2018 22:00

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 307

You deserved it 212

02/12/2014 17:02 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 424

You deserved it 31 369

25/09/2016 21:08 - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 128

You deserved it 754

01/07/2019 06:29

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 461

01/03/2011 06:26

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 523

You deserved it 4 528

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 236

You deserved it 336

18/07/2019 14:00

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 902

You deserved it 283

31/10/2015 20:35 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 936

You deserved it 1 559

29/11/2014 19:45 - Canada

Today, while at work, I had to spend an hour and a half on the phone, listening to an old lady relive her entire day in excruciating detail. We're not allowed to hang up on customers, and she was extremely quick to dismiss all my attempts to steer the call back on topic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 790

You deserved it 3 686

Denied

By uglyswimmer - 23/04/2009 01:58 - United States

Today, I was talking to a swimmer I just met. I saw a cute guy and whispered to her, "That guy is hot." She asked "Who?" I pointed at him. She turned to see him, then turned back to me and said "Ew, that's my brother." She went to him, whispered something. He turned around to see me and said, "EW." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 552

You deserved it 7 713

25/01/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 405

You deserved it 591

No data for you

By Anonymous - 10/01/2021 11:01 - Germany

Today, I got my first Android phone. Being aware that they are somewhat inclined to collecting data about you, I was still surprised when I had to tell the eBay app, of all things, that it wasn't allowed to know how much I exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 150

The gays

By kolgate - 15/02/2012 10:12 - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 617

You deserved it 3 144

24/10/2012 21:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. All I could make out from the door was mumbling, until profanities started flying. My boyfriend shouted "well she's a SINGLE bitch now!" and stormed out of the house. My dad still refuses to tell me what happened in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 448

You deserved it 2 352

26/09/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 062

You deserved it 277

09/12/2015 15:26 - France - Corneilla-del-vercol

Today, I was talking to my boss at the end of an awesome internship. He said he was really satisfied with my work, and that he had considered hiring me. Turns out he decided not to because I smile too much and it unnerves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 434

You deserved it 1 903

17/05/2018 13:00 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, thinking my ex-gothic friend was going through another "wear all black" phase, I walked up to her and jokingly asked who died. Her father. Her father died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 733

You deserved it 3 832

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:21

Let me guess. You and your wife are known as Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper. Remember to name your son Cinnamon when the time comes.

BlueBaronBitch 22

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:21

Maybe she could have grown up to be one of the Spice Girls

Comments

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:21

Let me guess. You and your wife are known as Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper. Remember to name your son Cinnamon when the time comes.

arano 29

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Saturday 25 June 2016 18:27

Cinnamon sounds like a stripper name.

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Saturday 25 June 2016 19:20

but cinnamon is a black stripper name. doesn't work for a son...

socialproduct 19

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Saturday 25 June 2016 20:01

Ahh #1, you beat me to it. Surprisingly you seem to be the only person who made the reference

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Saturday 25 June 2016 23:54

Dude, come on, when the thyme comes!

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Sunday 26 June 2016 0:52

Gee thanks better run out and buy my pole... Wtf. Love Cinnamon

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Sunday 26 June 2016 3:22

Hey, that's *DR.* Pepper to you! Sorry, too obvious, couldn't resist. I'll try harder next time.

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Sunday 26 June 2016 22:32

This is the internet, so Cinnamon is a cat's name. lol....lolcat.

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Monday 27 June 2016 1:29

Sage advice.

BlueBaronBitch 22

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:21

Maybe she could have grown up to be one of the Spice Girls

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:23

Spicy

ENDmySUFFERING 19

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:24

Calm down, she's just salty.

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:24

You should name her Ginger instead. Your wife can name her after a spice and you get a somewhat normal name

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Saturday 25 June 2016 16:17

I hope the child won't turn out to be a redhead then. Otherwise, he would be constantly bullied for his/her name everytime introducing themselves.

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Sunday 26 June 2016 4:19

Why is 17 getting down voted? It's not a nice fact of life, but let's face it, kids are fucking cruel when they want to be.

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Sunday 26 June 2016 5:01

My best friend's mom is a redhead named Ginger. I have literally never once in 10 years coincided the two.

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:42

Don't worry, I'm sure you will find a different unique name you can both agree on.

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:44

Just tell her that the kids will call her "pap smear" as a nickname. That might change her mind. Or if she's a GOT fan, "Reek" as a nickname might do the trick.

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:44

well ain't that a deal breaker..haha OP it's not much worse than being called Apple..with a name like that she's sure to spice up our lives ;)) haha

hellobobismyname 24

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Saturday 25 June 2016 16:01

... Are you really talking about a child in that way?

hellobobismyname 24

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Sunday 26 June 2016 7:44

I figured he was talking about Apple, who is the daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow, and I just thought it was creepy him saying she was sure to grow up to spice up our lives with double winking faces. I just found it creepy because I wouldn't want anyone talking about my kid that way, if I had one. Never said anything about sexually abusing a fetus, wtf?

yerawizardlizzy 27

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Sunday 26 June 2016 16:36

I dunno, but I recently read an article about a guy who was arrested for sending photos of his wife's ultrasound to an undercover cop posing as a pedophile. So I guess it's serious enough?

soulreaper12296 28

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:48

Please please please stand your ground and don't let that happen. There's already so many stupid names out there, we don't need another.

cheyluvsturtles 30

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Saturday 25 June 2016 15:50

she's pregnant and most likely feeling all sorts of hormone changes. She will probably change her mind when she realizes that that's a ridiculous name. but if not then f your daughters life

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 222

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 69