Animals: Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/04/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 367

You deserved it 4 315

The smell detective is on the case

Overreaction much?

You big child

By notanidiot - 20/06/2012 12:46 - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 898

You deserved it 3 647

By FML - 02/10/2015 21:45 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 467

You deserved it 4 217

Facts, feelings…

By Jimbob - 28/09/2020 17:01 - United States - Austin

Today, I went on a first date. It started out OK, but halfway through he began "debating" me, talking just like Ben Shapiro. I thought he was joking, or at least satirising the worst way you could talk during a date. I was wrong; he was serious. I'm still not sure what set him off, but I couldn't get a word in edgeways in after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 243

The customer is always a dong

By Obviously works everywhere - 20/09/2017 23:15

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 855

You deserved it 196

By D - 04/12/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 585

You deserved it 5 561

Clocked

By Anonymous - 26/08/2020 16:54

Today, I was stopped by a customer who told me that I looked like a nice woman. I thanked him for the compliment and pointed out that I was a man. With an obviously male name on my name tag. And visible facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 23/04/2015 13:16 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 950

You deserved it 6 999

By Anonymous - 17/09/2011 08:17 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 301

You deserved it 51 838

By Anonymous - 30/09/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 444

You deserved it 2 398

By thankyouforcalling - 01/06/2015 22:46 - United States - Bremerton

Today, the phone lines at work have been cutting out in the middle of calls. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital. I now have less than two minutes to figure out what's wrong with a client's pet and how best to schedule them before I become "That rude bitch who hung up on me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 243

You deserved it 2 097

By lashless - 22/05/2010 20:32 - United States

Today, while getting ready for a friend's wedding, I was curling my eyelashes. My cat decided to jump onto the towel rod. As I went to catch her, I ripped all the eyelashes out of one eye. I called my boyfriend crying. When he saw me, he laughed and said, "You look really surprised in that eye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 060

You deserved it 7 585

Chill out, dude

By Anonymous - 01/02/2017 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was lectured about how emotionally immature I am by someone who, afterwards, promptly threw a chair out of anger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 076

You deserved it 535

What did you say?

By What? - 22/01/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year-old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 577

You deserved it 4 092

By Anon - 04/12/2015 07:14 - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 021

You deserved it 1 685

By It was the 11 year old - 21/07/2012 08:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 839

You deserved it 5 002

By hamandegger - 04/02/2013 20:17 - United States - Raynham

Spicy

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 200

You deserved it 4 483

By peaaaak - 03/06/2011 10:17 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 088

You deserved it 5 028

By anonymous - 04/11/2014 06:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went on a first date. I didn't know that licking my neck was on the agenda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 711

You deserved it 3 531

By Anonymous - 01/03/2013 00:15 - United States - Brighton

Today, I had to sneak out of work early to pick my 14-year-old son up from school. He and a friend had been found covered in Astroglide, racing each other down the corridor on their bellies. My boss noticed my absence from work, and now my son and I are both on suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 399

You deserved it 9 842

By Moeswifey - 24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 343

You deserved it 4 518

Heavy sleeper

By PolarBear2020 - 27/07/2021 21:58

Today, maintenance was supposed to come in to replace my broken washer. I worked late last night until 4 AM, and then dozed off. I slept so soundly that they managed to enter the apartment, haul away the broken washer, and install the new one, all while I was fast asleep in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 164

By Urgghh - 16/05/2013 21:36 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 410

You deserved it 6 410

By Anonymous - 21/05/2019 22:08

Today, I was reading a book, and my severe OCD makes it impossible for me to look up from reading if I haven't finished the page. This includes times like when my mother is frantically calling for help after falling off a ladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 782

You deserved it 975

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 16:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 866

You deserved it 5 284

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 01:59 - Canada - Waterdown

Today, I forgot to pay for my train ride for the first time. Today was also the first time I've ever seen transit security checking for people's tickets and kicking offenders off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 608

You deserved it 5 584

By Baustigt - 06/08/2014 13:34 - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 925

You deserved it 4 567

By boredtothemax - 17/02/2016 19:17 - United States - Hammond

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 122

You deserved it 3 309

Framed

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 04:00

Today, the police turned up. It turns out the girl I slept with two nights ago was burgled. She told my great aunt, who happens to live next door to her. They then told my grandparents, who then told my mum. I'm now a suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 02/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 906

You deserved it 1 026

By Anonymous - 12/08/2011 23:15 - France

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 365

You deserved it 44 555

By Chedder - 26/06/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 925

You deserved it 3 484

By someone - 29/07/2011 18:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 733

You deserved it 5 355

By greeneyedpothead - 29/03/2012 06:33 - United States - Hanford

Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 447

You deserved it 27 518

By bcf1234 - 15/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I waited in line at Subway. There were two people in front of me. The first lady had seven sandwiches and the second lady had four. So after patiently waiting, I ordered my sandwich, only to have my credit card declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 540

You deserved it 12 082

By Noname - 21/02/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 713

You deserved it 68 298

By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 617

You deserved it 1 209

By ohshittttttt - 04/04/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 475

You deserved it 158 194

By ice4eva - 21/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was eating pizza and I started bitching about how our campus doesn't have any healthy food choices, and that I was forced to eat this disgusting, greasy pizza. My friend then pointed out that I was standing next to the salad bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 3 362

By wantmeasandwich - 10/07/2015 16:57 - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 268

You deserved it 3 247

By Kerrilyn - 17/05/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 974

You deserved it 54 856

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:42

u chewing stride?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:04

Think how that poor Goat feels. "I was walking around outside today for the first time in a year after my surgery. Even after having one of my Legs removed I still wanted to walk. I finally managed it, then some asshole came running from out of nowhere and fell over me unconscious and I couldn't move for 3hours. I'm now being put down because he threatened to sue." Well, either that or. "I was off looking for some delicious little sheep to bang and someone came and ran into me. Damn sucka got laid out so I was all AWW HAAEEELLL NAW DAWG. I aint paying for no Sheep. I'll just bang this fool while they out of it."

Comments

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:42

u chewing stride?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:44

lmao! (:

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

they'll find you.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:47

yes that is true...

ZombieeeeUnicorn 1

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:12

Win :D

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:35

hahaha u shud've stopped, raised an eyebrow, get on 1 knee and say "REALLY!?!?!" (:

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:40

Total winnage #2! You're a gentleman and a scholar.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:12

freaking awesome comment!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:43

I've heard this saying before! Where is it from? lol

PleaseDontPokeMe 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:54

Ha thats funny stuff

nothingtodisplay 7

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:59

nice #2 just nice!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 11:18

#2 is so awesome that he looks like the kid from Hot Tube Time Machine.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 11:26

58* lmao

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 12:22

lol to protect u from ramming goats chew stride spark

eyez_lay_low1921 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:22

haha. thats some funny stuff #2

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:28

damn, nice call 58

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:52

lol it can be tricky...

rawrrawrrachael 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 15:19

fine comment indeed

fatgirllovesfml 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 15:28

awwhh poor goat ;(

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 18:14

103... your profile pic is hooooottttttt!!!

fatgirllovesfml 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 18:50

omg really? what a weirdo!!!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:24

knew someone would post that haha

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:33

there was 21 replies which are all mysteriously gone. :S

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:34

I know! You still look like the Hot Tub Time Machine kid to me!!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 2:12

that's exactly what I was thinking!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 5:39

stride is.... what the fuck, AWESOME.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 6:12

that'll teach you to never spill the secrets of stride...

cookies61889 15

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Thursday 28 April 2011 8:12

new York is the best that's where I'm from to

lolmyendoff456 7

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Saturday 30 April 2011 3:43

haha good one :D

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Wednesday 9 November 2011 6:06

I... I don't....even... Skbabdhnaja Toasters.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:43

Why?? A goat really??

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:40

exactly. there are no appropriate jokes for this one, all i can think after reading this was "really, a fucking goat?!"

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:46

OP jogged to a place far far away :P

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 11:24

he didn't make it very far after crossing paths with the goat ;)

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 13:09

couldave bin worse like raging elephants or trolling trolls

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 17:16

I read this and just stared going what the fuck!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 0:45

op got hoofed...?

buff7 1

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:43

where do you jog that you run into goats...?

Chanistheman19 5

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:00

that is a question every wants to know!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:07

OP is from the country obviously!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:44

In the Rocky Mountains which go into the states from Canada I believe in... Montanna? but in the Rockies there are tons of mountain goats

cldean24 4

Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:54

81, where did your clothes go? I am sure you were attractive before you lost them. For some reason I imagine somewhere in Ireland. Not in town though, then it would have been a drunk instead of a goat.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 15:56

stalker!!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 18:01

My neighbor has a pet goat that he keeps in a cage behind his house. It chases people if it gets out lol

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:19

im confused not only about this goat thing, but wtf is 101 talking about???

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:45

fag

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

How fast were you jogging that you couldn't stop?.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:02

I know, right? It's a lot easier to slam on the brakes if you're on foot.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 15:48

that's one fast mother fucker goat!

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Thursday 28 April 2011 6:56

u should have stopped, gotten on 1 knee, raised an eyebrow, stared the stupid goat down and said "REALLY?!?"

barlessprison 16

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

you deserve it for jogging inside a farm. next time try jogging in a park or something.

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Wednesday 4 May 2011 4:23

what is the OP cant cuz there not some where close to a park

capslockisgood 19

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Saturday 18 August 2012 2:57

Then OP should jog to the park.

SnowFlakeInAK 7

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:47

Only till a mod see your moronic post and has you for breakfast. Idiot.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:49

lol thats really funny. a goat

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:05

lul >.< goat. teehee ^.^

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:50

Just as well you weren't Jogging naked and it stopped infront of you and you ended up in it. That would've been very Baaaah-d.

cantthinkofawitt 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 14:06

As described in my profile picture. How convenient..

cldean24 4

Wednesday 27 April 2011 22:14

hahaha, 90 did you just find that picture somewhere or do you know a kid that actually wrote that?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:50

I heard that people who post "first" are bitches.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 24

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 21

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 166

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 825

You deserved it 246