By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Vicious bastards

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

804

121

Mother of the year

Jealousy

Stalker vibes

By Thanks Honey - United States

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

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56491

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By Anonymous

Lonely, so lonely…

Today, to get my mind off being single, I texted some friends. The first one was going out tonight to work things out with her ex, the second told me about his amazing new girlfriend, and the third replied an hour later with, "Sorry, I was having sex when you texted me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2097

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235

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By aranya - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

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56515

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By Anna - Sweden - V?ster?s

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

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23069

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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34602

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By everyonehatesme - Malaysia

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

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33009

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9320

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By taptheturtle - United States

Today, I was waiting in the lobby of a modeling agency for my interview to be a potential model and I was next in line. They called "NEXT!" and I walked in with a smile on my face. They stared at my face for a moment and then started yelling "NEXT". FML

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58440

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By illusia - 5/4/2021 16:58

It's complicated

Today, I was screamed at for not doing the dishes because I was exhausted. Last year, when my arm was broken, I did all my chores without complaint. I don’t know how to explain to my parents that I’d much, much rather work with a broken arm than while tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

751

You deserved it

123

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By turnedoff - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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34424

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By supergirl7 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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27342

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8653

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By Chamorru - United States

Today, I have so much ass-acne that it hurts to sit. FML

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32297

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6260

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By Anonymous

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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1451

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440

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By Aliya - United States

Today, I was eating nacho chips with my nieces when I started to feel that some were wet. I look at my niece and notice she was sucking on the chips, and putting them back in the bag. FML

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54166

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6914

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By really - Canada - Ottawa

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

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12494

You deserved it

1011

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By XoXonedirectionXoXo - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, I fell asleep while on the toilet at work. When I woke up, I tried to quietly sneak back to my desk, only to be caught by my boss. He immediately sent me packing and gave his "best wishes" for me in the unemployment line. FML

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11209

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By februarymarchapril - United States - Austin

First time

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

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16631

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By Will - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

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33118

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2756

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By now sharing the blessing - United States - New York

Today, while battling a severe flu, I was forced to come to work by my manager. Upon arrival, I discovered that a colleague he likes who should be covering for me is out today. The reason? Her shoes hurt. FML

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3058

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152

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, 9 years on, my dad still hates my husband for "ruining" my life by getting me pregnant in my late 20s. FML

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20955

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By wowgranny - United States - Tooele

Today, my grandma told me that I'm starting to look like my sister. I jokingly replied, "Uh-oh I'm in trouble then." She gave me a very disapproving look and said, "You should be happy. She's beautiful, unlike you." FML

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8607

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By re2K5 - Korea Republic of

Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politely apologized and told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes to this city without money?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer. He followed me, now screaming. FML

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52098

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 14:01

Put the booze down

Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML

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522

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1914

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By -.- - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

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45185

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By disturbed2103 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55658

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9025

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By missmirror - United Kingdom

Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

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36582

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By scared shitless in ohio - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43724

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5508

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was Rizzo in a production of Grease. I sang a line about needing a ring. I've been able to put up my left ring finger for every rehearsal, but today I put up the one next to it. I flipped off the audience. FML

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13520

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By Anonymous - United States - Jackson

Today, a woman came into my life and took all I had left in the world. The woman was my hair stylist. She took my hair and the last of my money. FML

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6744

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1694

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By Dweeb

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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1059

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607

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By boudinette - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28720

You deserved it

14129

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By SaltIsReal

Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5622

You deserved it

316

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By r4inb0wbrit3 - United States - Townsend

Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML

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16476

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By pignose

Nose job

Today, I was babysitting for a new family. The youngest said, "Wow! You have huge nostrils!" She noticed my offended look and pushed her nose up like a pig's, saying, "It’s okay! Now I do too!" FML

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1444

You deserved it

210

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By I hate that game - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66195

You deserved it

4857

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By healthfoodshmealthfood - United States

Today, after years of training myself to crave healthier foods in order to lose weight, I found out that some of my favorite health-foods actually aggravate my hypothyroidism, and indirectly reduce my metabolism. Broccoli and soybeans are making me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30850

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By babygirllxo - Canada

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36447

You deserved it

7140

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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32477

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By AnonymousAndSad - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47665

You deserved it

7821

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By millzee - United States

Today, I spent 6 hours on an airplane next to an alcoholic Pink Floyd fanatic. I must've drifted off because when I took a trip to the bathroom I noticed that my pant leg that had been closest to the drunk man was soaking wet. I returned to my seat. He was on his side, facing me. I smelt the wet spot. Not beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24189

You deserved it

1981

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

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27417

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 27

#7960173 - Friday 25 December 2020 23:15

Did you thank the Goose afterwards and offer to hire him as a personal trainer?

By KingAdrock | 16

#7960225 - Saturday 26 December 2020 8:58

Geese are demons.

COMMENTS

By tounces7 | 27

#7960173 - Friday 25 December 2020 23:15

Did you thank the Goose afterwards and offer to hire him as a personal trainer?

By KingAdrock | 16

#7960225 - Saturday 26 December 2020 8:58

Geese are demons.