Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come... - FML

By FlyingFist - 4/12/2012 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Long story short

By ihateveganism - 22/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By pinpin - 13/11/2008 11:39 - France

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

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By heyyoitsapotato - 31/5/2013 02:35 - United States

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2017 12:00

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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By Kait - 5/4/2012 04:13 - United States

Today, I was cleaning the windows at work and a guy walked in so I opened the door for him. After I opened the door, he stood there with his eyes closed and his arms open. I thought he wanted a hug so I hugged him. Apparently he wanted me to spray him with Windex. FML

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By rawr - 20/4/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

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By J - 30/8/2016 17:20 - United States - Englewood

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

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By shark - 27/11/2012 03:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML

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By ScoobieDoo - 20/3/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, I noticed that I had forgotten to shave my pits. I went to a party last night, and there are now several Facebook pictures of me dancing, with my arms up and my hairy pits showing for the world to see. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - 4/9/2015 15:48 - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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By shinoza - 13/2/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By ugh thanks - 17/8/2014 16:40 - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

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By that girl. - 6/6/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - 28/2/2013 03:28 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By fatnick - 7/10/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, my wife told me that the only reason she gets it on with me is for the extra calorie burn. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By Nator - 9/2/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

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By Jedi2500 - 15/2/2012 23:53 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By nickyy - 29/11/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 14:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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By T.C - 23/1/2010 12:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my happily married father has been hiring escorts on-line for 3 years. FML

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By supergirl7 - 27/7/2011 22:21 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 21:35 - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

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By anonymous - 15/10/2017 01:30

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

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By moreliketurdmart - 3/6/2013 16:48 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

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By Namnack - 2/2/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

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By kha - 24/3/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

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By zacharynedley - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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By - 4/1/2009 05:24 - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

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By Ackbar - 27/2/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

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By ilovechickens - 15/4/2012 03:46 - United States

Today, I tried to be kind to animals and get my dad to buy cage-free eggs. When I told him it was dollar more, he started yelling and making a scene in the middle of the store, saying that chickens are ugly and they deserve to suffer. FML

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By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

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By howcanihelpyou - 14/8/2018 20:45 - United States - Wantagh

Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML

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By ryan and Zack - 25/2/2010 22:30 - United States

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. FML

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By van no gough - 22/3/2015 00:07 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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Top comments

By zingline89 | 18

#5213145 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:09

Gives blow your nose a whole new meaning.

By raven1911 | 3

#5213161 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:16

I hope you have a good reason for staying with this moron

Comments

By zingline89 | 18

#5213145 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:09

Gives blow your nose a whole new meaning.

Reply

luvbughug | 5

#5213160 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:16

You're on a role tonight. No sarcasm!

Reply

zingline89 | 18

#5213187 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:24

Sweet! What role do I get to play? Can I play Jesus??

Reply

rocklare18 | 7

#5216133 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 6:43

At least he didn't wipe it at the urinal... I heard that's where all the dicks hang out

By savage93 | 11

#5213146 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:09

A sign for what?

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5213218 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:40

He wants done head and god is saying it to. Or that's how I read it.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#5213255 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 10:28

It means he likes penis now.

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5213272 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 10:55

Nostrildamus, don't worry, it's snot going to happen.

By Harpy20 | 24

#5213150 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:11

Well it sounds like he just found his new fetish. Booger-erotica.

Reply

jtthegr8 | 26

#5213179 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:21

If he thinks that's hot, then he obviously doesn't have high standards at all

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5213181 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:23

13-doesn't take much for some people...

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5213200 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:29

"boogerotica"

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5213202 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:30

Fifty shades of snot

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5213206 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:32

21-A vaccine is needed.

Reply

BadKitty13 | 27

#5213406 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 13:08

LOL !!

By LiyIa_fml | 8

#5213152 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:12

Wipe the booger on his face.

Reply

shyeahh_fml | 19

#5213158 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:15

That's just rude.

Reply

doodlecloud | 26

#5213211 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:35

And wiping it on their wall isn't? At least it's actually his, it not like it wasn't already in him a few mins ago anyway.

By andrevittorstar | 6

#5213154 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:12

Get the man some Kleenex for Christ sake

Reply

kathuzada | 6

#5213254 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 10:20

Construction paper is more manly than tissue

Reply

BlowinChronic | 18

#5213600 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 15:11

34- I use sandpaper.

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#5215793 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 3:32

I use bricks

By raven1911 | 3

#5213161 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:16

I hope you have a good reason for staying with this moron

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5213207 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:32

He's unique at least I guess...

Reply

ClassyCommando | 13

#5213244 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 10:04

Yeah, OP sure knows how to pick 'em.

By ks23 | 9

#5213162 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:16

Maybe this is your sign to get a new BF

Reply

drunkandfml | 11

#5213242 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 10:03

Maybe it was a sign that he's gay... then it IS really time to get a new boyfriend

By chimocho | 8

#5213166 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:17

Well that's disgusting.

By RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5213168 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:18

A sign to become the ultimate master of the art of penis sculpting. From this day forth he will cover each and every bathroom wall, notebook, and your face with only the most detailed penises you have ever seen.

By zingline89 | 18

#5213176 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:21

He wanted to share his good news with you and it snot very nice of you to come on here and embarrass him. Who nose how many of his friends will see this? He probably feels like you shafted him and you need to apoligize. Don't be surprised if he's a little teste until you do.

Reply

RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5213190 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:25

But you have to agree he needs to stop phallusizing about this stupid dream of his