Intimacy: Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with...

By schooyou101 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

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Intimacy

Walk on the wild side

Start worrying

Who's that?

By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 05:00

Trigger happy

Today, I was shot and arrested for trespassing. I'm a firefighter and I was saving a child. FML

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By hannahj88 - Australia

Today, while working at the bakery, I slipped on a pen. I dropped the pie rack I was holding full of pies right on my face. I now have a burn mark on my cheek that looks like a swastika. FML

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By SqueakingRetard - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

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By buymeflavoredlube

Spit or Swallow?

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML

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By millie219 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my mother screamed at my boyfriend, calling him an "evil piece of self-centred trash". He's a sweet guy who does volunteer work for kids with learning difficulties. She's a bitter, passive-aggressive telemarketer who constantly harasses her own family with sales calls. FML

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By NAT - United States - Gaffney

Today, I found out that the reason my soda always tastes funny is because my fiancé likes to mix different flavors together to see if I'll notice. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By DrugDeal - Canada

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

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By Chipper - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Chester

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed by my next door neighbor that they heard me singing in the shower last night. I laughed and she told me that the family gathers in their upstairs room closest to my bathroom window to guess which song I'm singing. Every night. FML

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By ilana - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

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By OptMouse - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By numbat97 - Australia - Burswood

Today, I bought some mandarins so that there would be at least one healthy thing in my shopping basket, and I wouldn’t feel like such a fat lard at the checkout. FML

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By Timmy - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

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By FLkiki - 24/7/2020 20:00

All or nothing

Today, I found out I didn’t get a job because I'd flashed the owner whilst drunk. Guess my tits weren’t better than my resume. FML

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By Joe thomas - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when I saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying, "Need money, stranded from Oklahoma." I decided to be nice, and hopped off my bike to give him $2. He took the money, and then jacked my bike. FML

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By nodad - United States

Today, I found out my dad stole money from me when he was arrested for buying Oxycodone from an undercover cop. FML

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By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

No, Drake, no

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

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By toastynippies - United States

Today, my mom sent me a pic of a blank paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

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By ColdHeat - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

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By Flicker - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By bdw89 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 23/2/2021 22:56

Get out of there, fast

Today, I went on a date with a really cute guy. Things were going great, so we went to his place. While he was in the bathroom, I absentmindedly looked around his apartment. Unfortunately, his living room cupboard was half open, and I saw a shrine of pictures of me. Apparently, he's been stalking me for months. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, I found out yet another of my guy friends liked me. I posted that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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By davidthegreat - Japan

Today, I had to come to terms with the fact that I'm getting older because my pubic hair is turning white. FML

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38760

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By stupidpolicia - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By Lysh

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By Steve - United States - Oshkosh

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

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I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Toothy. - Australia

Today, I went to the dentist to have two cavities filled. I hate the dentist. After he'd started drilling, I heard a "clunk" noise followed by an "Oops." My dentist had cut my tooth in half. Now I have to go to surgery to have the tooth extracted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Havertown

Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

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By Yeppets - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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By :| - Canada

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

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33549

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By lpspann87 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Vampires are everywhere

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

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Top comments

By IOmnomHard | 10

#5213151 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:12

That's when you send a reply email with the subject line as, 'So, about your restraining order...'

By Harpy20 | 24

#5213147 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:10

Well obviously someone wants the D...

COMMENTS

By Harpy20 | 24

#5213147 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:10

Well obviously someone wants the D...

jtthegr8 | 26

#5213169 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:18

The Neighbor obviously wants it.

kyani | 19

#5213170 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:19

Nothing like porn in email form!

Charmillionaire | 10

#5213174 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:20

7 - No, C and E want it. They miss their neighbor.

Harpy20 | 24

#5213180 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:21

8- if you get porn in an unsolicited email...that's a virus.

ClassyCommando | 13

#5213214 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:38

Probably wants OP to keep the noise down.

Pretty_Pink_Lady | 10

#5213277 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 11:03

1, 2, 3, errybody wants the D.

trippythehippy | 6

#5213895 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 16:48

That's assuming OP is a guy. OP could very well be a very vocal woman.

sens3sfailing | 24

#5215729 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 3:03

Usually guys are fairly comfortable with their sex life, obviously they don't want someone watching, but it being known they have one is not generally frowned upon, hence it making most sense that OP is a female through being terrified of the email. Also, it's usually men who are the creepy psychopath neighbors. Not saying there aren't psychopath women (Casey Anthony) but it isn't a chance I would bet on.

m_2_teh_c | 6

#5220784 - Thursday 6 December 2012 16:37

I applaud you. :)

californianking1 | 8

#5221768 - Thursday 6 December 2012 23:08

Oh hell yes!

Karalela44 | 15

#5312259 - Monday 7 January 2013 5:10

What if OP is a girl?

By bulbul116_fml | 4

#5213148 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:10

yes you can..!

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#5213253 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 10:18

Oh can they now?

MsConfusedd | 27

#5213549 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 14:43

Can what?

jemnerz | 2

#5216136 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 6:44

Your name and comment are perfect!

By shyeahh_fml | 19

#5213149 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:11

He knows your secrets. Run.

zandalee | 19

#5213197 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:29

Get really thick curtains! Obviously you live next to a perv!!

By IOmnomHard | 10

#5213151 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:12

That's when you send a reply email with the subject line as, 'So, about your restraining order...'

onlychildFTW | 33

#5213216 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:39

OP should not even look at the email and just do what you said.

How did they even get OPs email?

fmmfl1993 | 1

#5213753 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 16:12

Maybe the neighbor's complaining that OP is making too much noise.

By chimocho | 8

#5213156 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:13

Might just be a chain email?

interesting33 | 36

#5213416 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 13:12

Ah good point.. maybe.. doesn't sound like it but maybe :)

By ks23 | 9

#5213157 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:14

So..... Lets hear about your sex life then.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#5213403 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 13:07

No thanks.

BlowinChronic | 18

#5213590 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 15:07

Maybe the neighbor was going to talk about OP's non existent sex life, and wanted to help out and make it existent...

By Vlortch_fml | 6

#5213171 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:19

Maybe he simply wants you to stop screaming so loud while you're doing it.

bandofsand | 10

#5213198 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:29

Agreed. That was my first thought as well.

chrissy2 | 28

#5216120 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 6:40

Or maybe they are telling OP to close a window...

By uzairmacy | 5

#5213177 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:21

Now I kinda wanna know what was in that e-mail...

samasara | 20

#5213369 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 12:43

Me too. Cliff hangers stink!

By flailingCheese | 5

#5213178 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:21

Well since he/she is crazy it could be a Christmas e card or something but they couldn't figure out what to put as the subject of the message, that or you might want to move...

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5213192 - Tuesday 4 December 2012 9:27

definitely open it. at least to see what its all about. if it is stalkerish, take care of it.

n_epic_fail | 14

#5218159 - Wednesday 5 December 2012 22:31

Or he can call you to "take care of it"